I did not make this headline up
Open Letter to Coach Rodriguez Regarding Michigan Traditions
Bumped from the diaries for general excellence. -ed
To: Coach Rodriguez
From: The Michigan Faithful
Re: Michigan Traditions
Greetings, Coach Rodriguez!
By now, we are sure that you are getting acclimated to our fine University and to the beautiful town of Ann Arbor, arguably the greatest college town in the country. Please give all of our best wishes to Rita and the kids.
No doubt you've noticed that we here at Michigan take our traditions pretty seriously. Some would say that perhaps we are a little overly tradition-bound, but when you are the winningest program in history, across three centuries, well you can understand our pride.
We have noted with regret, however, the recent unfortunate incident where you assigned the hallowed #1 jersey to an incoming freshman, violating the sacred tradition of awarding it to the top wide receiver who has earned it during his career. Many of the Michigan faithful were quite upset. Indeed, you may have heard from one or two of us about it.
In your defense, Rich, we take you at face value when you say you didn't know about the tradition. And we appreciate how quickly you moved to address the situation once you were made aware of it. We hope to put this unfortunate incident behind us.
In fact, it occurred to us that there may be other Michigan traditions that you don't yet know about. Even though we are a top program and always in the national spotlight, there may still be some Michigan traditions that have escaped your attention. It would not be fair to just assume that you know what they are.
So as a public service, Rich, here is a list of some important Michigan traditions that you may not have heard about. All you need to do is to uphold these special traditions during your tenure here, and you will always stay in our good graces.
When it comes to National Championships, Coach, Michigan brings home the hardware. Yes, we're proud of our consistency and bowl streak and all of that, but what really defines Michigan is the constant National Championships. You may not know this, Rich, but Michigan has won multiple National Championships in every single decade since the 1800's. Be sure to put it at the top of your list to see the display case of all of the crystal football National Championship trophies, just as soon as they find the missing key to the trophy room. Trust us, they're really quite impressive. We are confident, Rich, that you will have no trouble keeping this tradition alive.
Winning the Rose Bowl:
Plain and simple, Rich, it's a Michigan tradition to dominate the Rose Bowl. We haven't lost one yet, and most of them haven't even been close. It's considered a disaster when Michigan only wins by a touchdown. Sometimes it actually gets a little embarrassing, but it's really not our fault that those west coast teams always show up lethargic, disoriented and not ready to play, while Michigan comes in loose and confident. What can we say? Michigan owns the Rose Bowl. Let's keep it going, Coach.
Unpredictable Play Calling:
Michigan is known for its wildly unpredictable play calling, a tradition that goes back to Bo. We are a very hard team to prepare for. Opponents are always quoted as saying "We never know what they are going to do." To this day, Keith Jackson still talks about how stunned the crowd was when Lloyd called the Statue of Liberty play on 5 straight 4th down's in the 2004 Rose Bowl. Good memories. You have big shoes to fill here, Rich, but we think you are just the kind of guy that can do it.
Coach, Michigan's motto has always been "Anybody, Anywhere, Anytime". Michigan does not dodge the top teams. Our non-conference schedule is always the toughest in the country. While our Big 10 brothers sleep-walk through games with the Ball State's, EMU's, and Toledo's of the world, Big House fans get to see the likes of Oklahoma, LSU, and USC every season. No one will ever forget the year when they had to cancel the National Championship game because Michigan had already beaten all of the other BCS bowl teams.
Night games are a big tradition in Ann Arbor. We typically schedule two or three every season. There's nothing like the electricity of a Big House game on a crisp night against a big time opponent. People are still talking about that thrilling night game against Ohio State in 2005 when the Buckeyes' last-gasp comeback attempt was thwarted as Gonzalez lost the ball in the lights.
Michigan is known for its fast starts in games. We take care of business, and we do it early. Look, nobody ever likes to be accused of running up the score, but when you hang half-a-hundred on your opponent by the start of the third quarter, you're only guilty of cutting to the chase. Why delay the inevitable, you know?
Dominating our Opponents:
Michigan has a tradition of dominating our opponents, weak or strong. We never play down to our opponent's level, our philosophy is to make 'em all play up to our level. So whether its Appalachian State (we sincerely apologize for the humiliating beat-down we put on them last year, the whole college football world is still shocked) or USC, every opponent always gets Michigan's "A" game.
Get used to it, Rich, the Big House is LOUD. You'll have the most intimidating fans in the country behind you. Even the rich old alumni in the expensive seats joke about their "walk of shame" leaving the stadium, when they realize how out of control they got. Be prepared to take a few unsporstmanlike conduct penalties because of it. It just goes with playing in the Big House.
Michigan cheerleaders have always been and always will be, as the kids like to say, "hot". They don't call them the Song Girls of the North for nothing. We know you are very busy, Rich, but someone in your position should be able to have some influence over the selection of the cheerleaders. In fact, it might even be a pleasant distraction from the day-to-day grind of preparing a football team. (P.S. Please insist that they wear the Maize sweaters and matching mini-skirts at all times. If the football team can step it up in all kinds of weather, so can the cheerleaders, right?)
So there it is Rich, some of the important traditions of Michigan football you may not know about.
Now, you may have heard that we are a little hard to please, but nothing could actually be further from the truth. All you need to do is keep our time-honored traditions alive and well, and everyone is happy.
Good luck, Coach, and GO BLUE!
The Michigan Faithful
"Big House fans get to see the likes of Oklahoma, LSU, and USC every season."
that's not true?
Satire is a skill to perform as well as to grasp.
I got it, but still felt it worthwhile to point out that strong OOC scheduling actually once was a viable UM tradition. We always had ND and one other showdown. I'd love for that to return, even if it meant not getting out of September without a loss.
he said he was from lansing...i guess even after going to school in A2 it still takes a while to get that "lansing effect" off your brain...
Great post tho, very funny
the first such instance was a parody. you guys are so unedumacated.
Also, I hereby coin the term "sarcasmic" for any such post that at once is over-the-top sarcastic and tingles my bits.
Little brown jug - let me get this straight. You disagree with the National Championships point and the hot cheerleaders point. Does that mean you agree with the others? ROSE BOWLLLLLL???????
I hope you got wasted last night or something.
Autumn Thunder covered (zing?) the cheerleaders last fall : http://autumnthunder.blogspot.com/2007/09/cheerleaders-looking-more-like...
The Cowbell Commander is fairly good if you haven't checked his site out, especially his ongoing series on Big Billy DOLLAZ! (Bill Martin)
I fear for the future of our country.
How will we ever compete with the Chinese with their superior sense of irony?
Days since Michigan’s last victory over Ohio State in football: 1782
Keep the tradition alive!