Author’s note: This is a fictional attempt at humor, not an actual transcript of the Big Ten’s most recent online meeting. Only P.J. Fleck really did say all of these things. Previously.

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Anonymous has joined your meeting

#PANDEMIC OF CONFIDENCE #CoVidCanT! has joined your meeting

Scott Frost has joined your meeting

Brohm.0 has joined your meeting

Coach Mel Tucker||CUBuffs|| has joined your meeting

TuddiesU has joined your meeting

: Ski-U-Mah let’s WRECK this!

Lock Dog has joined your meeting

Patrick W. Fitzgerald NU’97 has joined your meeting

LovieLovesHisLinebacking has joined your meeting

: I was the first to talk in this channel.

Urban_Legend has joined your meeting

Barry Alvarez AD has joined your meeting

ferentzk @ uiowa.edu has joined your meeting

Tom all in Allen erase Tom Allen write Tom Allen submit f**** has joined your meeting

ferentzk @ uiowa.edu has left your meeting

Scott Frost: Wazzzzzzzuuuup!

: I am PUMPED. We can do this together!

BriKelJoJaSteGoIowa! has joined your meeting

Kevin Warren: I think we’re just waiting on a couple people.

Jay Harbaugh has joined your meeting

: Now you just hold the phone and talk.

: How do I know if they can hear me?

: We can hear you.

: Can they hear me or am I muted?

: It’ll show you who’s talking, just talk. Got it?

: Okay okay. Who’s got it better than us?

: Just…do your meeting.

: WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US, Jay?

: Hnnnnrrrrhh. Nobody.

: Good boy.

: Don’t touch anything else on my phone!

[After THE JUMP: A conspiracy].

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: LISTEN I NEED TO SAY SOMETHING LISTEN IF YOU CAN HEAR ME THIS IS TOM ALLEN OF INDIANA WE ARE A PROUD PROGRAM OF A PROUD UNIVERSITY AND WE DEMAND TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT ON THIS CALL.

: Oh you must be that other guy they said was gonna be in our division. Nice to meet you.

Alvarez: We have divisions?

: We can't get through this unless we're together. And I think that's the biggest thing people have to understand. That's what 'Row the Boat' is all about.

: I’VE BEEN TELLING PEOPLE THIS IS SOME SORT OF ANTI-INDIANA CONSPIRACY. THEY KNEW WE WERE HEALTHY, THAT PENIX CAN GO.

: Your what can go?

: I went to the grocery store yesterday, maybe the first time in like seven years looking for toilet paper like everyone else. But, it's very different. I'm not used to staying in the house. It's given us the time, the other night, to be together, especially with family... But also, I'm just kind of cooped up and I don't know what to do with the energy.

: Ah, Fleck.

: [looking worried] Did you say AFLAC?

: I said Ah, Fleck.

: Oh.

: Urban, where’s Day? Running another virtual D&D campaign?

: We’ve got him recruiting Fortnite.

COMMISH is now presenting.

: Okay I think everybody’s here. Thanks for jumping on this call. I know it’s been a hectic and frightful few weeks and I hope everybody’s families and pla—student athletes are all safe and healthy.

: Did you guys hear Harbaugh got the Rona? I heard he spread it through his satellite camps.

: Didn’t hear it from me.

: Gentlemen, we have a lot of business to get through and I hope we can all work together for the good of the conference and everybody who’s relying on us. I trust you all got the agenda? First off a reminder that we must stay on-message. Nobody is to propose anything to the media without running it by the committee to make sure it’ll benefit Ohio State. I’m talking about you, Jim.

: What’d I do?

: Seriously?

: One-time free transfers?! What’s next, players who vote?

 

Kirk Ferentz: Who call plays?

: lol

: Yeah Jim, you know how hard it is to keep a kid once he’s lived in West Lafayette?

: Or Lincoln?

: Oh lord, that shithole still exists?

: Most of it’s a Wal-Mart now but you know how it is: the greater the Wal-Mart the more people care about football.

: Look, I know that you all miss my predecessor. I’m still learning the ropes but I want to assure you all I am fully committed to continuing his legacy. Which brings us to the first item on our list. Urban, is there ANYTHING we can do for you and Ryan right now?

: Oh COME ON!

: Yes there is. Did you get my note regarding the incident?

: I did and I’m sorry we couldn’t do anything.

: They TOOK OUR YARDS!

: I know Urbs, I know. It’s called a “Penalty.” Those were not our refs and they were not aware of our procedures. We are currently working with the NCAA to ensure that doesn’t happen again.

: We can’t compete with Alabama and Clemson and LSU if they can just take our yards whenever they want!

: I’m on it Urban. I promise, all of our resources not committed to The Project are going to this. Next item on the agenda: Kirk, did you complete those tight end evalua….Kirk?

Ferentz: Can you see me?

: Kirk, turn it around!

: Okay how’s this?

: Now center your face.

: How do I know if it’s centered?

: That’s worse, can’t you see yourself in the window?

: What window? You told me to turn it around. I can’t see anything but the back of my phone!

: Dude, I can change my screen name!

: I don’t think they can hear me. Jay! Jay, where’s my headset?

: While we’re at it, Lovie can you adjust your camera?

Lovie: Sure. Like this?

: Down.

Lovie: This?

: Further down…Right There! Stop. Perfect.

: I DON’T THINK YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME! THIS IS A DISASTER! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

: Guys look!

: Speaking of screen names, Kirk what does Bri-Kel-Jo-JaSte…

: –Dude is that your password?

: No…

Anonymous has left your meeting.

: Don’t worry none of us wrote it down.

: [noise in the background]

: Dad what are you doing?

: I’m plugging the headset into the computer so I can talk on that.

: That’s an NFL Blitz cabinet.

: Hey Harbaugh look at my screen name!

: NFL Blitz? Are you set up to play online?

: Jay?

: Yeah I can rig that. I’ll send you the link on discord.

: James, he’s going to send you a thing on this cord.

: You’re going DOWN khakis.

: Is it always like this with you guys?

: Honestly I don’t know half these people.

: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME? DON’T THINK SOCIAL DISTANCING IS GOING TO SAVE YOU I’LL COME UP THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!

: Mel, why is your camera off?

: It’s not off; it’s just dark in here.

: Why don’t you turn a light on?

: [says something inaudible] [another voice mumbles something in reply]

: On advice of counsel I must regretfully decline to respond.

: Who was that? Where are you?

: [more inaudible whispering]

: On advice of counsel I must regretfully decline to respond.

: Mel none of this is being recorded.

: [even more whispering] Yeah okay. My house wasn’t ready to move into yet so Izzo is letting us stay in his basement. Things are…well they’re a little weird here.

: Hey Franks remember that crazy shit we did in Edsall’s basement?

: You’re thinking of someone else Mike.

: DUDE I can change my BACKGROUND too!

: Franklin what the hell?

: That’s right, look who’s on the board now beeeiiitch!

: Congratulations you went from down three scores to down three scores.

: HEY LOCKSLEY! LOCKSLEY! 38-24 LOCKSLEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? REMEMBER THAT?

Your presenter has muted the group. To unmute callers select Unmute under presenter options

: ITEM TWO: Recruiting. I know this is a major concern for all of you. In light of these extraordinary circumstances I’d like to see if we can share some ideas.

Your presenter has unmuted the group.

: I think it's been great, in terms of you get everybody on FaceTime. You get mom, dad, brother, sister and uncle, you get everybody. We usually only get the kid at times, but now everybody's home. So everybody gets tuned into the FaceTime with the head coach or the position coach.

: What’s FaceTime?

: Hah yeah man, if a kid’s not smart enough to get an Android how’s he ever going to figure out a playbook right?

: You have Androids?

: Yep.

: One sec guys I have to make a call.

Hello, Mr. Ryan? Yeah listen, Stanford is parting ways with Shaw—just too many losing seasons—they want me and offered to buy me some robots…Yes, you heard me: robots, like Purdue has. You’re good? Good. Okay we’ll work out the details.

: This isn’t fixing the issue with recruits.

: I saw a movie once where a guy used a boombox below a recruit’s window.

: No Jim.

: Climb a tree then.

: That’s kinda creepy.

: Why don’t you have another sleepover?

: You mean with the same kid who flew a private jet to commit to you?

: When’s he gonna use it to fly you to Indianapolis?

: Urban, you’ve been pretty quiet but you’ve got the best class in the country right now. Care to share?

: Sure. Basically what we’re doing right now is leveraging our online resources to find out what our top targets want, and then whatever it is we give it to them.

: What, like a copy of the depth chart? Course schedules? That sort of thing?

: Uh…

: What if one of them asks for a college education?

: What if he asks to join a union?

: GUYS!

Grand Templar of the Sacred Order of the Bulls Blood has joined your meeting

: Hark! As it was foretold: I hath returned!

: YOU!

: You know this guy?

: I must maketh mine apologies dear sirs. By the honor of mine house ‘twas not an intoxic eve upon the A.C. but a mere misencomprehension. The link to thine Big East Zoom was’t mistook for an address that hath been in mine bookmarks for an age.

: You mean Big Ten.

: Surely thou jest. Be this not the Big East, oh worthy den of rivals?

: It’s the Big TEN East, Greg.

: Faugh! Where art Connecticut, that sad cur? And recreant USF, thine noble aurok? Virginia Occidental, of the wee linemen and pineys? What withal of Pitt and Syracuse, or lonely Cincinnati on the Ohio bank of the Ohio, yet not permitted to share in Ohio’s bounties?

: We’ve been over this! Ohio is NOT large enough to support a second Power Five team!

: Settle down, Urban; nobody here’s going to make you work for anything. Knight guy…

: SIR Greg Schiano, First Knight of Jersey at thine service.

: Sir Greg Schiano, he’s right: you are in the Big Ten. You play Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State every year now.

: Verily mine agent hath made a huge mistake.

: Franklin what are you DOING?

: You might have guessed my play on the first timeout, or even the second timeout. But you’ll never guess what I’m planning to run out of a third timeout!

: Zone read.

: Zone read.

: It’s a zone read.

: One of those…you know the fake handoff thingies where the quarterback can keep it and run backside.

: Or maybe that’s what I want you to think!

: I’m beginning to sense this place isn’t normal.

: Whatever your view of normal is, it’s not coming back. There are going to be ways and things that we implement that becomes the new norm. But if you’re afraid of that, who says the new norm can’t be better?

: AUGH how’d you know?

: Gattis would have added a jet pitch option.

: How is Josh? That #SpeedInSpace thing working out?

: Not so much as a playbook, but since he’s got the hashtag we’re developing this killer futuristic secret agent buddy cop miniseries. We have some laughs, make the world a better place: it’s great.

: Why can’t our world be better? Why can't our nation be better? Why can't we continue to grow? Why can’t we be intentional with our intentions to make this a better world after we get through this?

: Uh, good question? Another good question: Mel, are you guys going to start recruiting, like at all?

: We’re trying.

: Didn’t you just get an entire Bama-like operation approved by your trustees?

: Yes.

: And an assistant budget that’s larger than the GDP of Indiana?

: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

: I meant the state.

: Yes.

: So what’s the problem?

: There are no problems, there’s only situations. And from a situation, creates opportunity.

: On advice from counsel, I must regretfully…

: I’ll tell you the problem. You need to get out and see these kids in a camp setting to have any idea what they’re capable of, and you just can’t do that right now!

: Yeah, it’s tough these days to try to glean everything from Hudl.

: And a lot of these kids don’t even know what a huddle is anymore!

: Seriously!

: There are ways to scout, you just have to be willing to go out and get it!

: Wait, what? Where are you getting film right now?

: I’m not giving up my sources!

: Fie! Methinks peradventure this swain hath been enamored with Twitter workout videos.

:

: You know Jim if you scroll down on the playbook there are passing plays in the game too.

: Are we done here?

: I think so.

: Wait, wait, what about that list of proposals you had us all submit anonymously?

: Yeah!

: Oh, yeah, right. You want me to read those? Let’s see….Okay first one:

“Get rid of John O’Neill”

: Yeah, nothing I can do about that. Next one…

“Fire John O’Neill”

: Did that one have a second line?

:

“…into the sun.”

I’m sensing a theme.

John O’Neill never refs one of my games again.

JOHN O’NEILL IS A CONSPIRACY AGAINST INDIANA I AM NOT THE COACH OF INDIANA JUST AN UNBIASED OBSERVER

I cannot understand why you continue to employ John O’Neill and his crew. Literally a team of sixth graders could do better. I’m not even kidding: My players nearly revolted at halftime last year!

Sire, I implore thee to presently forswear the employment of one constable John O’Neill, that knave.

I don’t know in whose basement they’re holding your family hostage that you haven’t fired John O’Neill and his incompetent band of nincompoops.

Sadly I don’t know either.

: [movement sounds]

Hey are any of you Commissioner Warren's mom and dad?

: [chair sounds]

Frank and Nancy?

: YES!

:

: Sorry.

: Sorry they’re not in Izzo’s basement?

: Er…on advice of counsel I must regretfully..

: I think we’re done here.

: Is there a creedo or something you guys do at the end of these?

Jay Harbaugh has left your meeting

: Fuck Michigan.

: Right.

All: FUCK MICHIGAN!

Your meeting has ended

Hahaha.

Hahaahahaha.

[ENTER]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(to be continued)