I know who our next DC should be!
Yoda.
Really, when you think about it, it's obvious. A list of attributes:
1. He has experience being outnumbered by an evil empire. With just two remaining Jedi Knights, he never gave up and eventually defeated the Emperor. Yes, I know it took over 20 years, but we've already waited 7.
2. He has fought against Storm Troopers, which will help us next time we play Penn State at home. Also, he's about the same size and age as Paterno, so that will be a nice story.
3. He coaches up his talent. Most Jedi Knights start their training as small children. Yoda didn't get a hold of Luke Skywalker until near adulthood and turned him into a Jedi powerful enough to turn Darth Vader back to the good side and resist the Emperor's will.
4. Speaking of which, good with youth. Since we'll still be starting a lot of sophomores next year, that should help.
5. Understands how to battle larger opponents. Enough with "this won't work in the Big Ten" talk. Yoda is about 3 feet tall and repeatedly defeats opponents twice his size or more.
6. Recruiting advantage. Yoda has good relationships with the Wookies, which will really help our defensive line.
7. Complete change from GERG. Especially in the hair department.
8. Can speak directly into the players' minds when they are on the field. I don't think there is any rule against using the force during a play.
9. Lived in a swamp for the last 30 years of his life, so he can deal with wet weather.
Cons:
1. He's green. State fans will jump on this. I do think, however, that when he does appear visually, it looks pretty blue, so it should be ok.
2. He died a long, long time ago. Given #8 above, however, that may turn to our advantage.
I think we have a solution here. Get his agent on the phone.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:30 PM ^
Well sure, but what are his family values like? I don't even know if he HAS a family.
November 28th, 2010 at 5:21 PM ^
Family Values good, yes, but I really care only about these:
* Does he understand the Ohio State rivalry? The guy we have now is losing the big game solely because he doesn't understand the rivalry.
* Will he run a PRO-STYLE offense? For the ignorant, the PRO-STYLE offense is similar to what's run in PRO FOOTBALL. That makes it better than any college gimmick offense. It must be the best, right? It has PRO in the name!
* Will his offense work in cold weather? We're currently running the spread. It doesn't work in cold weather. In Michigan the temperature drops to 20F around Labor Day. In Morgantown it stays near 70F until Christmas.
* Does he want to run the ball down the other team's throat? If so, he'd better recruit some POWER players. Our biggest lineman, Taylor Lewan, weighs approximately 245 pounds. Also, our running back is 5'1" and 125 pounds. Both players and their teammates on offense and defense have been getting pushed around for three seasons.
* Will he teach the defense to hit the other team in the mouth? Our current defenders, led by Mike Martin, are a bunch of pu$$ies.
* Will he hire a defensive coordinator that runs the 9-1-1? The more linemen you have, the better your chances of stopping Big Ten SMASHMOUTH offenses. All of Wisconsin's linemen the past ten years have weighed at least 500 pounds and appeared in multiple Pro Bowls after college.
/s
November 28th, 2010 at 7:52 PM ^
That is the best post you've made, ever. And, that's saying something.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:31 PM ^
And alas, I don't.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:34 PM ^
I do too: Greg Robinson.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:51 PM ^
Are we going to fire him and re-hire him? Would that even count as a break in tenure?
November 29th, 2010 at 9:03 AM ^
We fire the man, and re-hire just his hair. GERG is just the price we pay for that silver mane.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:39 PM ^
he can build a clone army made from Mike Martin.....
November 28th, 2010 at 4:55 PM ^
Someone has been watching the marathon on Spike TV.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:52 PM ^
I am going with Dolph Lundgren. He is the Defender.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:53 PM ^
This could happen young skywalker! Ummmmmmm!
November 28th, 2010 at 4:59 PM ^
I dunno. The ears kinda look like a donkey's. Could be an issue with Lewan.
November 28th, 2010 at 4:57 PM ^
Also, think of all the shit he can do with his telekenesis and his jedi mind trick.
Stop John Clays, TPs and other B10 juggernauts in their tracks.
Convince refs that UM doesn't foul opponents (especially with Lewan on the team). "You didn't see a chop block, there was no holding, the game should continue."
November 28th, 2010 at 5:02 PM ^
But can he run a 3-3-5.
November 28th, 2010 at 5:04 PM ^
Hmmmmm... Can we trust a DC who is green?
November 28th, 2010 at 5:10 PM ^
Obi-Wan Kenobi- defensive line coach. "These aren't the pad levels you're looking for"
November 28th, 2010 at 5:14 PM ^
Cover two you will play!
Comment most often heard in the player's locker room?
"Who took my sandwich?"
November 28th, 2010 at 5:18 PM ^
Instead of stuffed animals Yoda will shove Ewoks in players faces
November 28th, 2010 at 5:38 PM ^
You just posted this because of the 24-7 Star Wars marathon this weekend on TBS.
Yes, I'm watching too. I hate Ewoks.
November 28th, 2010 at 6:10 PM ^
Though I rather liked the idea from someone in the chat yesterday who wanted the Pacific Life whale at CB too....
November 28th, 2010 at 6:38 PM ^
And has hips on a swivel.
November 28th, 2010 at 7:46 PM ^
But what's the whale's pad level?
November 28th, 2010 at 7:55 PM ^
fix our field goal kicking situation, as he could use the force to guide the ball through the uprights.
November 28th, 2010 at 8:25 PM ^
Doesn't Yoda already coach at Penn State?