University of Michigan Comes Out as Basketball School
ANN ARBOR (The Harbowitz Report)—Warde Manuel, Director of Athletics for the University of Michigan, revealed during an emotionally charged press conference on Wednesday that the University was ready to acknowledge what many people had suspected for a number of years. Specifically, that U-M is, in truth, a basketball school.
Reading from prepared remarks, Manuel said, “I stand before you today to announce that The University is stepping out of the illusory shadows of the Big House and into the unapologetic lights of Crisler Arena. It is time to be honest with ourselves and honest with those who love the Maize and Blue. The University of Michigan is a proud basketball school.”
“Our decision to go public has not been made lightly. It represents the first, and very important, step in the healing process necessary to address decades of sports identity confusion and the loss of self-esteem resulting from pretending to be what the Almighty and Dave Brandon never intended us to be - namely, a football school. In retrospect, it is clear that the Universe sent us Rich Rodriguez for a reason.”
“For too long,” Manuel continued, “Michigan has bowed to toxic peer pressure from schools like Ohio State, Notre Dame, Alabama, and Appalachian State. We tried to avoid the reality of our nature with over-the-top stadium renovations, state-of-the-art football practice facilities, and a multi-million dollar coaching staff. But in our heart of hearts, we always knew we were different. And, as our students like to say, ‘The scoreboard don’t lie.’”
Whispers surrounding The University’s real sports identity have become increasingly difficult to ignore in recent years. Over the past decade, U-M has repeatedly been seen sharing the court at “The Big Dance” with openly basketball schools such as Kansas, Louisville, Kentucky, Duke, and Villanova. In 2016, the Michigan football team began wearing designer jerseys featuring a silhouetted basketball player on the chest. Many sports identification psychologists considered this to be a silent cry for help.
Manuel concluded his press conference with the announcement of a special “Coming Out of the Stadium” celebration during half-time of this Saturday’s home basketball game against South Carolina. Michigan basketball currently stands undefeated and is ranked Fabulously 5th in both the AP and Coaches polls.
In related news, Goodwill of Ann Arbor announced a giant holiday sale of hundreds of lightly used Michigan football uniforms. Store manager, Charles Baird, says sales of the equipment have already been very brisk. “The helmets make excellent planters and are almost sold out. But we still have a lot of those cute capri style pants with extra padding in the hips, thighs, and knees. Customers tell us that they are perfect for aging, and extremely large, parents with equilibrium issues.”
December 6th, 2018 at 2:57 PM ^
I loled
December 6th, 2018 at 8:22 PM ^
You did WHAT with Lola?
December 6th, 2018 at 3:01 PM ^
I love basketball, but I feel like we're running the joke into the ground at this point.
December 9th, 2018 at 11:54 AM ^
And your point is? (Isn’t that what every thread does eventually)!
I’ll never get tired of the “we had subs it was crazy” references or the steak vs. chicken debate..
December 6th, 2018 at 3:09 PM ^
Cousin Eddy's response...
December 6th, 2018 at 3:09 PM ^
Swiiiiiiiing and a miss. The joke that is never funny or true is finally in long-form - just what we all wanted.
December 6th, 2018 at 3:53 PM ^
His OSU Trustees satire was funny. But yeah this one is just kinda awkward. Nice effort though, OP.
December 12th, 2018 at 7:54 AM ^
Another example of the sequel not being nearly as good as the original.
December 12th, 2018 at 5:17 PM ^
respectfully disagree.
December 6th, 2018 at 3:44 PM ^
this is dumb.
December 7th, 2018 at 8:35 AM ^
This is awesome.
December 6th, 2018 at 4:02 PM ^
It only hurts when I laugh LOL owww...
December 6th, 2018 at 4:02 PM ^
I'm not going to argue with a dead president.
December 6th, 2018 at 4:19 PM ^
I like it better when you make fun of other schools.
December 6th, 2018 at 11:41 PM ^
Lighten up Ron Utah.
December 6th, 2018 at 4:46 PM ^
Go blue! Beat Florida!
December 6th, 2018 at 4:50 PM ^
FAIL!
December 7th, 2018 at 6:28 AM ^
Trying for Darwin award?
December 7th, 2018 at 8:33 AM ^
Do we need him?
December 6th, 2018 at 5:42 PM ^
Reads like a piece from The Onion. ?
December 9th, 2018 at 11:56 AM ^
Saginaw?
December 6th, 2018 at 6:39 PM ^
I sir, thoroughly enjoyed it. Cheers!
December 6th, 2018 at 8:02 PM ^
Good humored and well written. Well done. Don't get the hate.
December 6th, 2018 at 8:50 PM ^
We were born a football school but identify as a basketball school. It wasn't a choice.
December 7th, 2018 at 8:34 AM ^
LGBTQUM.
December 7th, 2018 at 11:54 PM ^
That’s one creepy guy.
December 6th, 2018 at 11:40 PM ^
Fucking brilliant. Better than the OSU Onion type post from the other day.
December 7th, 2018 at 6:24 AM ^
Confirmed: Charles Baird is an immortal (a la Highlander) who remains along the periphery of UM football long after his supposed "death".
December 7th, 2018 at 8:29 AM ^
NTTAWWT.
December 7th, 2018 at 10:28 AM ^
Too soon
December 7th, 2018 at 3:38 PM ^
great stuff!
December 7th, 2018 at 5:41 PM ^
Well, you tried...
December 8th, 2018 at 9:40 AM ^
Wow, that was awful.
December 9th, 2018 at 8:50 AM ^
Haha. Solid.
December 9th, 2018 at 10:26 AM ^
I fondly remember the days when we were an ice dancing school. Is this a step up or down?
December 9th, 2018 at 11:57 AM ^
World and Olympic champion as I recall...
LMAO, if it is basketball school then my school is essays school. I think the only thing we do is to write essays. I am kinda over it and want to order an essay on https://essaysmatch.com/paper-writing-help/ This is not honest but the only way out
February 23rd, 2021 at 5:45 AM ^
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