Fake Coach Chat

Submitted by jajaja23 on August 17th, 2010 at 4:28 PM

Hey everybody. Thanks for your response to my previous confidential convo discovery that I posted last week. I got a random email from an email address I didn't recognize with the following attached.

Previous Discoveries: Fake QB Chat


You have entered UM Coach Talk Google Wave

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Hey guys! Awesome job logging in! I haven't seen technological skill like that since the internet was invented!"

HaRRd Edge: "Glad to have everybody here together. Planning a party? Add dessert & a 2 liter Coca-Cola for $5.99"

S&Cassistant: "Mr Barwis says "No Parties."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Are you guys excited about the season? It's going to be better than any year EVER!"

HaRRd Edge: "Love the optimism Fred. Your son looks good out there too. Show us your pizza - we might use it in an ad"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "  This is the best picture of pizza that's ever been taken!"

HaRRd Edge: "Thanks for the pic Fred but it's just that stupid auto-complete thing acting up. Crunchy thin crust is thin enough for the optimum crispy to crunchy ratio."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Ratio is good. All of our running backs have a better run/carry ratio than every Heisman candidate ever."

HaRRd Edge: "No Fred, you don't... nevermind. So what are we thinking for the depth chart this season? Ultimate Deep Dish  Extra thick to support potential topping overload."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Fitzgerald Toussaint is the top of the Ray Guy award watch list because's he's more impressive than a unicorn on a pirate ship."

TGibsSmotherCover: "Hey Coach. Thanks for the whole helmet thing. Really helped us keep the panic level low."

MeAndHobbes: "Offense is looking good Rod. Like a seasoned bag of Skittles with all of those jerseys."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Skittles are the greatest candy ever."

*CloseShafe has entered the chat*

CloseShafe: "Hey guys sorry to bother - password's still the same. Has anyone seen my keys?"

MeAndHobbes: "Rod - who do you think we should have starting at Right Tackle?"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Austin White."

HaRRd Edge: "I think Lewan is showing a lot of promise but it's definitely up in the air. I'm really encouraged by the effort being put in. How's the fitness on Defense G-Rob? Try Coke Zero with your order! Real Coca-Cola® taste with zero calories."

S&Cassistant: "Mr Barwis says "No carbonated beverages."

 TortoriseAndTheHair: "Holy crap, did you know these Macs have a Widget thing that lets you use your screen as a mirror? Sweet Jesus!"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Greg you have better hair than Moses."

TGibsSmotherCover: "Can someone give me some help over here? We need everyone we can because Dear God..."

MeAndHobbes: "Guys can we focus? This is a really important season and our defensive backs are key."

 TortoriseAndTheHair: "Thanks Fred! I really appreciate that. Hold on let me take a picture of it for everyone."

MeAndHobbes: "No, that's fine Greg. We need to seriously focus. I've got the offensive line cracking heads like they were beer cans."

S&Cassistant: Mr Barwis says "No beer."

HaRRd Edge: "Son, can you have Mike sign online? Order online and use one of our coupons for a free Cinnastix appetizer!"

S&Cassistant: "Mr Barwis says "Address me as Mr. Barwis. And the internet is for skinny weaklings who would die 4 minutes into a nuclear winter."

TGibsSmotherCover: "Help?"

 TortoriseAndTheHair: "Thanks Fred! I really appreciate that. Hold on let me take a picture of it for everyone."

CloseShafe: "Keys?"

 TortoriseAndTheHair: " "

HaRRd Edge: "Great hair Greg but what's going on with our linebackers? Our cheesy bread will make your mouth water and your jaw drop at the price!"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Mike Cox is our best option at OLB"

MeAndHobbes: "I bet Tampa is beautiful right now..."

 TortoriseAndTheHair: "Ummm linebackers? I had Fred take that one."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Mark Moundros is the greatest Middle Linebacker in NCAA history. Watching him play will be like watching an angel cry tears of molten gold. Those tears will be currency in Ann Arbor for years to come."

S&Cassistant: "Mr Barwis says "I will feast upon all of your bones and curl within your carcasses to remain warm during the holiday season."

HaRRd Edge: "What the HELL Greg?! I thought the Free Press was just making that shit up! What have you been doing all pre-season? For help with your order or for Customer Care, you may click here to send us an email."

 TortoriseAndTheHair: " "

TGibsSmotherCover: "The end is near."

MeAndHobbes: "Are you serious with this shit?!"

 TortoriseAndTheHair: "It's me and my hair on the moon!"

S&Cassistant: "The damn thing gone wild."

MeAndHobbes: "I've got shit to do. Rod, the offense will be ready."

HaRRd Edge: "Thanks Calvin for everything. Did you get around to editing Tate's XBox so he doesn't have wings on there too? Make sure to edit his Halo character too. You got 30 minutes? Order Online Now!"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "I played Halo with Tate a lot this summer. His character snipes like a member of the A-Team and runs like gazelles if gazelles were shoeless animals on the Serengeti with footballs and dreams that make the best wishes come true."

MeAndHobbes: "I hate all of you."

*MeAndHobbes has left the chat*

*ADBrandon has entered the chat*

S&Cassistant: "Mr Barwis says "I'm worryin' outta my mind. The damn thing gone blind."

ADBrandon: "What the hell is an assistant doing in this meeting?"

*YouDontKnowJACKson has left the chat*

*TortoriseAndTheHair has left the chat*

*TGibsSmotherCover has left the chat*

HaRRd Edge: "Thanks guys for bailing. Mr. Brandon, I'll just come down to your office. Click here if you are interested in Dominos franchising opportunities within the US."

ADBrandon: "Bring your forms and the stick."

*HaRRd Edge has left the chat*

*ADBrandon has left the chat*

CloseShafe: "Ugh."

*CloseShafe has left the chat*

*S&Cassistant has changed its user name*

*S&Cassistant is now FreeAgentCone*

FreeAgentCone:  "Black Betty BAM-A-LAM!"



August 17th, 2010 at 4:48 PM ^

I was laughing so hard I nearly choked when I saw the Hair on the Astronaut and then nearly choked again when I read his next post. Awesome work.


August 17th, 2010 at 5:16 PM ^

I was trying to eat dinner quickly while reading this before running out the door to my kid's football practice. Now there's food all over the screen, and I damned near joked to death laughing.

Thanks, you're keeping me going.


August 18th, 2010 at 12:38 AM ^

I love you so much.

I had a long boring day at work, came home to read the bad news, got really depressed and then I read this. Thank you for getting me back above "Jump already!" on the "How do you feel right now?" scale.