Recruiting Question and Antonio Kinard

1. Demar Dorsey is now enrolled at U-M and he will be starting at Free Safety on Saturday. Practice reports say he could be the best DB to ever play at Michigan. He would have been in sooner, except he spent much of the summer helping Twitter reconfigure their source code. Demar also got special permission from Rich Rod to finish a project he was working on to invent nano-TVs (these will replace HDTV in four years) and crack Diebold's voting system (as if it takes a genious to crack an Ohioan's programming).

2. Austin White left the team to go to a super-secret cornerback training facility in the Swiss Alps, where they surgically installed swivel hips and superhuman leaping ability, then put him through a grueling training regimen that replaces everything in his head with coverages and whatever you need to fill a degree's worth of LSA bluebook exams with. He is projected to return this week and replace James Rogers, as long as his body has properly adapted to the Dilithium implants in his legs.

3. Conelius Jones is going to take a bit longer to see the field. He has been traveling around the country with David Cone as "The Indefatigable Coners," pairing David's unparalleled rap battle skills with Conelius's angelic singing voice to convince recruits to come to Michigan. Most recently, they were seen in Florida, using perfect verse to convince Clinton-Dix and Hart they are better off starting at Michigan than being indefinitely medically redshirted (and deprived of scholarships) at Alabama. Following this year's recruiting season, Conelius will be be sent to a special clinic that creates genetically enhanced linebackers who can use The Force, but only the good side (as opposed to the Sith Training Center of Lima, Ohio, which produced Darth Hawk, Darth Laurinaitis, and Darth Jones).

HT to TomVH and The Great Gazoo, who contributed to this update.