OT: Dealing With Loss of a Loved One

Submitted by Darker Blue on

Fellow MGoFriends,

A little over 2 weeks ago I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. He was 33 years old and died due to liver failure from too many years of excessive drinking and drug use.

This guy was easily the most talented (artistically speaking) person I've ever met. Incredible tattoo artist and an amazing painter. I've had a painting he painted for me hanging on my wall in my bedroom for about 4 years now. 

He was also way too goddamn smart to die like he did. Basically he killed himself.

I've s pent the last couple of weeks moping around not really sure how to cope with the grief. That's part of the reason I'm posting this now. Putting things in to words seems to make me feel better.

If you have a loved one who has a problem with addiction, talk to them, let them know that you love them. Let them know that you will have their back no matter what. Mostly let them know that they aren't alone. 

Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest.  If its too much feel free to delete it.

mGrowOld

May 5th, 2016 at 8:21 AM ^

My sister Anne has terminal cancer and has been given between two weeks and two months to live.  She was treated at University of Michigan with Chemo but her cancer is too aggresive and she's decide to do home hospice care with the time she has left.  She never smoked or drank and basically lived her life right but it's about to end.  I spent Sunday with her and her family and we had a really good day (you'd never know she was dying other than the short hair from chemo).

I'm sorry for your loss Darker Blue.  I know how you are feeling.

Darker Blue

May 5th, 2016 at 8:26 AM ^

Thanks Mr. mGrowOld

I'm very sorry sorry about your sister. 

My Dad has been dealing Cancer  for about 8 years now. It started in his lungs, migrated to his prostate and is now in his lymph nodes. 

He's done really well with it. He's lost half of a lung and his prostate and bladder, and he's still fighting.

Maybe Anne will end up living a lot longer. Miracles can happen. I hope she does. 

boliver46

May 5th, 2016 at 9:42 AM ^

a rough 5 months here as well.

My mother passed away unexpectedly the day before Thanksgiving 2015.  

My sister-in-law passed away from complications of alcoholism February 2016.

My brother (husband of sister-in-law) passed away March 3rd, 3 days after his wife's funeral.  Cause of death, heart failure.  At 43.

My dad just found out his colo-rectal cancer he thought he had whipped (after 13 surgeries and chemo in 5 years), is back with a vengeance.

I can't say fuck 2015 or fuck 2016...I can just say fuck it all right now.

mGrowOld

May 5th, 2016 at 9:56 AM ^

That's terrible.  I'm so sorry for all your losses.

Threads like these open the curtain a bit on the real people behind our avatars.  It's increadible what some people (like Boliver) have gone through over the past six months and you'd never know.  

boliver46

May 5th, 2016 at 10:41 AM ^

It's been rough, that's for sure.  What's even rougher is when people don't have anything prepared for these things...my brother and his wife had NOTHING planned...so trying to figure out their "estate" has been craziness.

I'm a co-signer on his car loan, and they will barely talk to me about it.  I am trying to find out what is owed, what his payments are, etc., but they wouldn't talk to me at all until I had the final coroner's report which I just received.

Because his death was so close to his wife, they had to rule out all sorts of stuff and the toxicology report took FOREVER.

TL;DR - make sure your loved ones and your finances will be taken care of in the event of your death.

trueblueintexas

May 5th, 2016 at 1:29 PM ^

I can't support this comment enough!

My father-in-law just passed away at 61 from a sudden heart attack. He was self employeed and divorced. It has fallen on the kids to figure out what to do with everything: his store, his house, his debt, his belongings, etc. They are trying to grieve and at the same time need to negotiate and have everything ready for going to probate. 

Don't put it off. Make a will or trust, communicate with your loved ones what you want and where to find important information. No one likes to have that conversation, but it truly is an act of love to do so. 

03 Blue 07

May 5th, 2016 at 10:17 AM ^

I'm so terribly sorry for your losses, boliver. Just try to put one foot in front of the other and know that some how, some way, you'll get through all of this and will come out the other side. 

boliver46

May 5th, 2016 at 10:45 AM ^

I appreciate it.  I am the type of guy who is NEVER down, NEVER sad...able to let shit just roll right off my back.

But this...this just destroyed me, and continues to destroy me.  I slept for about 30 hours straight and didn't want to move when my brother passed.

Everyone Murders

May 5th, 2016 at 8:28 AM ^

That's a tough thing to go through.  I've been through the hospice drill with a parent, and if she's hooked up with the right hospice people it is an absolute Godsend.

All the best to your sister, your family, and her friends as she goes through this process.  And to you sir - it's profoundly difficult stuff to deal with.

Blue In NC

May 5th, 2016 at 9:32 AM ^

I lost my sister just over two years ago and then my father a little over a year ago.  I don't know that I have ever gotten over that or returned to "normal" (whatever that once was) but it did help me a great deal to talk with others with similar experiences.  I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity before each of them passed to tell them how much I loved them and how much they had each impacted my life.  After they had passed, that meant the world to me.  

It's likely that most don't bottle their feelings up as much as me but if you have not recently expressed to her these things, I encourage you to do so.  And of course focus on all of the positive impact that her life has had upon others.  Best wishes.

Michigasling

May 5th, 2016 at 12:06 PM ^

My Dad died years ago.  I seemed to hold it together, probably focusing on my Mom.  But three weeks later I had to go to another funeral, of an elderly cousin, as the surrogate for my Mom, and the view of the coffin, just being there, set off some kind of delayed reflex.  I couldn't stop weeping.  People stared, but even the thought they were thinking I was a drama queen ("She hardly knew the guy!") couldn't stop it.  I knew I was weeping for my Dad, and obviously needed to. 

That's what's great about this community.  We can share anonymously with our virtual friends, but can weep behind closed doors.

 

Louie C

May 5th, 2016 at 1:08 PM ^

He died after surgery last March, and his she died a couple of months later from cancer. Both of them were curve balls from hell. My aunt kept it a secret, so when I found out, in pure shock and anger, I yelled "WHAT THE FUCK NEXT!?!?"

One of my cousins is a minister, and did the eulogies at both services. She said something to the effect that we as a family had been through this 11 times in the past year and a half, and something just hit me.

I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral because his death was so sudden, and I was still pretty numb, so when she said that, all of these emotions just hit me. It hit me again as I helped carry my aunt's casket to the hearse, because I was a pallbearer for my grandfather, and the same funeral home handled their services. To walk those same steps to probably the same hearse, en route to the same cemetery just months apart was pretty surreal.

Everyone Murders

May 5th, 2016 at 8:30 AM ^

Addiction is a terrible thing, and addiction to alcohol is particularly brutal.  I know you realize this, but "he was also way too goddamn smart to die like he did" doesn't quite fit the picture of addiction.  Many (most?) of the addicts I know are bright people.  They realize they are risking death, but the compulsion is just too much.

I've got a colleague who lost two kids to heroin / opioid addictions, and each kid was a great, bright, funny, and creative person.  And for all the efforts of friends and family, their addictions got them at a very early age.

Again, I know you know all this, but it might help to read it from another source.  If you're feeling depressed about this, you might reach out to Al-Anon or some other group for sympathetic ears. 

ijohnb

May 5th, 2016 at 12:09 PM ^

it has so little to do with "will power" that I am known to freak out when somebody suggests it.  There is nearly always an untreated and often undiagnosed mental disorder underlying alcoholism and "just stopping" is almost impossible unless that condition is treated.  Additionally, the brain has actually been altered at the point of serious addiction and prolonged professional intervention is absolutely necessary to address the situation and this can be incredibly expensive.

It really, really bothers me when people belittle those seriously addicted to drups or alcohol.  Contrary to many opinions, they did not "choose it" and are living a life of absolute hell every time they wake up in the morning and most times do not have the means to seek the type of specialized help that they need.  Also, in order to adequately treat the problem they need time to do it, and that is time that they do not have as taking that time would lead to their life spiraling even further out of control financially etc., and creates a distinct possibility of relapse even after it is treated.  It is not called a vicious cycle for nothing.  It is a brutal existence.

In reply to by ijohnb

Louie C

May 5th, 2016 at 1:15 PM ^

I got a little snippy with the Mrs. this morning, because she said that she was disappointed in Prince because it has come out that he was supposed to begin treatment for his addiction to painkillers. She said she thought he was smarter than that. That kind of pissed me off; especially with her working in the medical field of all people. She off all people should know this is how addiction starts with most people; chronic pain or severe injuries. Also for many people, it starts with the meds, and spiral out of control until they've got a full blown heroin addiction.

Michigasling

May 5th, 2016 at 6:52 PM ^

Both served in WWI.   Don't think my maternal uncle was a doctor yet, but was already in medical school.  He's the one I knew well, an elderly physician who had broken feet, had broken his back, but refused to take even a single aspirin.  He defended himself by telling us the story of being in a war-front clinic post-injury, and when he realized he was looking forward to the arrival of the doctor with the morphine, he decided to refuse the dose.  He said that from that day he wouldn't touch a painkiller of any kind, because it was already well known how easy addiction could be.  But an aspirin?  He could be stubborn, but he felt he just had to draw the line.

The other was my dad's father, terribly charming to some, but my dad confessed he was "difficult."  Figured it was just father-son issues, but then I hardly knew him.  It wasn't until long after his death that one of my older sibs, also a doctor, said she was pretty sure that our grandfather was "difficult" because he was a morphine addict.  So common among medical men of that era (and still today).  They have the access, and it's too easy.  And if you're both a soldier and a doctor, you know how to treat your injuries.  You just don't  know how to stop.

bacon1431

May 5th, 2016 at 8:26 AM ^

One of my coworkers has lost 7-8 friends to heroin overdoses in the last 3 years. He's numb to it now. But he always seeks out one of his other friends connected to that group of people (that isn't also a heroin addict). Builds up relationships with those people. Sharing grief. As Cormac McCarthy said, "the  closest bonds we will ever know are bonds of grief. The deepest community one of sorrow."  Loss and sting will never go away. 

Also gotta advocate for better interventions for stubstance use. Work to destigmatize substance abuse (in the sense that  many people think most addicts are ammoral, lazy lechers. Not destigmatize that it's a serious issue). Almost everybody knows an addict whether they know it or not. 

csmhowitzer

May 5th, 2016 at 8:26 AM ^

This is clearly something very tough to deal with. Remembering the great times you had with your friend and sharing those moments with others is how their memory lives on. I'm sure that painting he gave you is somethign you'll cherrish and never get rid of. Thanks for sharing and I hope that this post helps someone else out.

 

Darker Blue

May 5th, 2016 at 8:33 AM ^

Actually at his memorial this past Saturday, I was talking to his Dad and he told me that he doesn't have any art at all that he did. I was thinking that I would give the painting to him so his family has something that he created. 

And I've got a couple of tattoos on my body that he did, so if nothing else, I always have his art close to me. 

LSAClassOf2000

May 5th, 2016 at 8:29 AM ^

First and foremost, my condolences on the loss of your friend. Thirty-three is far too young.

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was put similar feelings into words when I lost one of my sisters in 2012 to drug addiction and abuse. It was my duty to give the speech at the funeral (she was cremated, but my parents wanted a service for the sake of family), so I know how difficult that can be to find the right words. The worst part about the entire series of event perhaps is that it was my parents who found her on her kitchen floor. I can't even imagine what they felt.

Due to my own experiences, I definitely echo the sentiment - if a family member or a loved one is going down this road, try to let them know somehow that they aren't alone, that there are people and avenues that can lead out of that. I don't wish the alternative on anyone because my family lived the alternative and still deals in some way with it even now.

julesh

May 5th, 2016 at 8:47 AM ^

I lost my brother in 2012 for similar reasons. The hardest part was he was a mostly functioning addict, so no one could ever convince him to get sober. And the timing was completely out of no where. His life seemed to be going so well, and no one knew he was using. Until the tests came back that showed it was an overdose we honestly thought it might have been a freak heart attack.

Coach Carr Camp

May 5th, 2016 at 9:37 AM ^

I lost my brother 18 months ago in a similar fashion. He had a great life - he was married and just about to finish anesthesiologist residency when one day I got a call from my dad he was found dead. Assumed the exact same thing, it had to be some freak heart attack or stroke. Turns out he had been taking some highly potent pain killers (which he had access too because he was an anesthesiologist). No one knew, not even his wife, he barely even drank. Addiction is pretty crazy.

FauxMo

May 5th, 2016 at 8:37 AM ^

I didn't bring it to the board (and that is not to say you are wrong for having done so here, just that I didn't), but I lost my dad on April 11th. He had been sick for many years, so it was not a shock. But regardless, it is incredibly hard losing a loved one, whether family, friend, or whatever. My advice: Don't mope, stay busy. Don't block out reality, but do realize that, as Thomas Jefferson once said, "The Earth is for the living." And your friend, like my dad, would want you to suck every bit of joy out of life...

Blue In NC

May 5th, 2016 at 11:31 AM ^

Great perspective and so sorry for your loss.  A loved one can be sick and their passing even expected and yet you can never truly prepare for the loss you will feel.  Just realize there may be times when you need support and if you feel the slightest inclination of that, please reach out to others.  It will be a great help to you and you will be surprised at the caring and understanding of those around us when we are dealing with something like this.

1989 UM GRAD

May 5th, 2016 at 8:39 AM ^

So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost one of my best friends six years ago to bile duct cancer. So different circumstances but I know how it feels to lose a close friend. Remember that your friend likely would want you to move forward and not spend too much time moping around. As cliche as it sounds, living your life to its fullest is the best tribute you can make to your friend.

I'm finding that the loss of close friends and family is definitely the biggest downside of getting older. But we owe it to ourselves and those around us to move forward with our lives in a positive way.

Rudy

May 5th, 2016 at 8:43 AM ^

I started drinking very heavily when I was 20. Self medicating after a number of very close deaths to me in a short period, 9 people in 2 years. It was daily from 20-26 and then near a liter of vodka a day the past 2 years. Its a hell of a thing to deal with.

Edit: sorry for your loss, never an easy thing

Darker Blue

May 5th, 2016 at 8:50 AM ^

damn man, you're not still drinking like that are you?

My Friend was a heavy whiskey drinker and even if he already had a 5th in him, you couldn't tell that he had a drop to drink. 

If you are still drinking like that, you need to quit. 

I watched it kill a man I love very much.

/sorry not hear to preach.

Rudy

May 5th, 2016 at 9:20 AM ^

I've been sober since late October. If I had kept at the pace I was I would be dead. The first time I went to detox I had to be under .25 to get in without having to do protective custody. I woke up and had my normal drink, didn't drink for a few hours and I showed up and blew a .367 all while speaking clearly, walking fine and not being belligerent. So I was the same as your friend. I had dropped my weight to around 120 pounds at that point and was in very bad shape. I had DTS both times at detox that required rushes to the er. I finally got into treatment in October and got out of a very abusive relationship so things are better now. I'm not sure how much damage Ive done to myself but as of right now I just suffer from severe anxiety, which is no picnic in itself. It's been a long ass journey and I could talk about the all day but no one needs that.

Like you said, I would urge anyone to try to get help if they have a problem. The issue with that is it is a very slippery slope. I never noticed how bad it had gotten until I hit the bottom. The weight, severe dehydration to the point I'd collapse a lot from only drinking alcohol. Vomiting if I hadn't drank. The hard part of it is that it's such a slow progression, you don't notice that maybe you are drinking a little bit more than last month, or that your health is deteriorating until one day it hits you. I had not seen my parents for 9 months and when they saw me they both broke down in tears. Now I'm blabbering on. Point to take away, alcohol is bad when done excessively, but I guess most things are.

Darker Blue

May 5th, 2016 at 9:45 AM ^

Honestly I appreciate your blabbering very much. 

I hope your recovery continues to get better. I would like to see a person who has walked in your shoes, be able to talk to young people (or old people) and let them know the dangers of this disease. 

Two Hearted Ale

May 5th, 2016 at 9:13 AM ^

Rudy, call (734) 544-3050 today. It's the phone number for Washtenaw and Livingston County Substance Abuse Treatment Services. They can help you if you don't have insurance or are on Medicaid. If you have insurance they should be able to point you in the right direction. If you are out of state Google "addiction hotline" and start dialing until you find someone who can help.

Don't procrastinate. You are on a bad path but now is the time to turn around. You have a long, happy life ahead of you if you can ask for help.

Good luck.