OSU jokes help

John Cooper.

There isn't really too much you can say to him. The pendulum has swung in their favor and unfortunately the best thing that can happen in this situation is for Michigan to win. Until then you'll have to resort to the Florida, USC and LSU games. You can say that Michigan beat Florida, or that Troy Smith and Ted Ginn (among several others, Carpenter, Gholston ect...) are busts. You can cite the overall series record which Michigan is still comfortably ahead. You can talk about how the NC game against Miami was won by the pass interference call that took 8 seconds to flag. Or that the entire season should be wiped out because there's no way that Maurice Clarrett should have been eligible. Of course he's going to fire back how many games in a row they've won, and there will be nothing you can say. My personal advice, just bite your tongue and take it. I went to Ohio State, and OSU fans are just trying to get a rise out of you. If you just laugh it off it ends quickly, and most of the time pisses them off.
Having said that, I've always had success getting under their skin with these 2 things. 1.) I went to Ohio State because I couldn't get into Michigan (truth is out of state fees cost too much, but they don't know that) 2. Archie Griffin's entire offensive line went to the NFL, and they deserve those heismans, that ALWAYS pisses them off, ALWAYS.

Since he is most assuredly a portly fellow with very few teeth ask him how his mother finds the time to mash up the magnitude of food it must take to keep up such an unhealthy appearence while still allowing time for the local johns at the nearby truck stop.

Just quote Bob Ufer when referring to the fans at the Shoe: "10,000 alumni and 74,000 truck drivers"

Here's the Bentley link to some Ufer audio clips:

http://bentley.umich.edu/athdept/stadium/stadtext/ufer.htm

go to the dean and tell him that your professor suggested that you perform oral sex on him to receive a passing grade.

Might get you into a little bit of trouble but people tend to shut the hell up afterward.

He isn't on your porch delivering a pizza.

Two guys are in the bathroom at halftime taking a piss: a Buckeye and a Wolverine.

When they finish the Buckeye starts washing his hands. But the Wolverine starts combing his hair instead. Feeling that the Wolverine lacks hygiene, the Buckeye smugly says, "You know at OSU we teach our men to wash their hands after they take a leak!"

The Wolverine doesn't even look at the Buckeye, but says,"At Michigan we don't piss on our hands."

Easy. He's their most valuable player....

the jerk store called, and they're out of him.

Either that or that you had sex with his wife.

Ask him where he parks on campus. If it's in a normal spot, tell him that if he puts his OSU degree on his dashboard he's allowed to park in any handicapped spot.

Ask what grade he got in reverse basket-weaving, and how many football players he had to tutor.

Ask if his family holds reunions and weddings at the same time to save on travel expenses.

Ask if he stills visits campus, and whether he uses a map or simply follows the smell.

Tell him we traded Ohio to the EU in exchange for Greece. All they asked is that we wash Ohio first.

Because OSU sucks.

Why aren't OSU cheerleaders allowed to do splits?

They're afraid they will stick to the ground.

Two guys are walking down a beach.

The OSU grad gets crapped on by a seagull.

The Michigan guy says, "Hold on. I'll run and get a kleenex."

The OSU grad says, "Forget it, the bird will be miles away when you get back."

If a married couple from Columbus move to California and then divorce - are they still legally brother and sister?

A MSU fan walks in on his girlfriend having sex with an Michigan fan. Stunned the MSU fan asks "baby why?" she frowns looks pissed and says "because you are weeeeeeeeeeak."

And where do you go to school?

I rarely meet OSU graduates, despite OSU being one of the largest Universities by enrollment in the USA. Wonder why that is? Most OSU fans I've met didn't go to school there (lending more credence to Bob Ufer's "10,000 alumni and 70,000 truck drivers.")

I usually note that I won't worry about OSU until they stop measuring themselves in relation to Michigan. We don't list coaches' records vs. OSU on our websites or in our history books. They use it in their decision matrix - sometimes the sole reason - to retain or fire.

I also point out that only 4 OSU football coaches have winning records against Michigan, and the first 3 resigned in disgrace or were fired.

Go BLUE!!

Beer coolers filled with poop FTW.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO AN O$U GRADUATE WHO IS STANDING ON YOUR PORCH, SO AS TO GIVE HIM THE IDEA THAT HE SHOULD NO LONGER BE STANDING THERE?

YOU TELL HIM THAT HIS CHOICE TO PURSUE AN UNDERGRADUATE DEGREE IN COLUMBUS OHIO HAS LEFT HIM OPEN TO THE CHARGE OF HAVING PRIORITIZED THINGS OTHER THAN ACADEMICS, AND TO THAT OF HAVING A PRONOUNCED INDIFFERENCE REGARDING THE PRINCIPLES OF EQUITABLE PLAY IN INTERCOLLEGIATE ATHLETICS

My grandmother punches harder than Woody.

only a REAL michigan fan would get that joke.

South until you smell it.

East until you step in it.

How do you get a OSU coed in your room? Grease both ends and push. What does OSU and marijuna have in common they both get smoked.

Just ask him if he decided on marrying either his first or second cousin.

That when Justin Boren transferred to OSU, it raised the net IQ of both schools.

The tuba player runs on the field and dots the "h".

how to make a buckeye cake, insert buckeyes in bowl and beat them for 3 hours

Since we can't really talk much trash about football currently, it's always best to just insult their underwhelming intelligence.

Q: How many Ohio State football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only 1 but he gets 3 credits and a $1000 for doing it.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a Buckeye joke?” The guy replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6′ tall, 200 lbs. and I am an Ohio State graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, 225 lbs., and he is an Ohio State graduate. The guy right next to him is 6′5″, 250lbs., and he is also an Ohio State graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?” The first guy says, “No, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

Q: How do you get an Ohio State Graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad?
A: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order please?”

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep the store.” But, I’m a OSU graduate,” the young man replied indignantly, “I even played football there!” “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom, I better show you how”.

A Buckeye football player was almost killed today in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

officially title all of your papers starting with a capital THE

Just take a roll of toilet paper to class with you. Next time he says anything about Michigan, tear off a sheet and present him with his own official OSU diploma!

the Snow Bowl represents
A. A great, historic Michigan victory.
B. a handy product to help clean a toilet.

EDIT: sorry, tried to be original and came out stupid.

We produced arguably the best offensive player (Brady) and the best defensive player (Woodson) of this era. I said arguably, guys, so take it easy before you decide to start ripping me.

They produced Maurice Clarett.