Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration
PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:
As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.
Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT
[Impressive KICK!]
CHECKMATE.
LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST
INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.
Quack.
Quack.
Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.
Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.
All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.
Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.
Here. Now what are we going to call you?
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]
[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]
Need a ride?
EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.
I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.
[expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]
Quack.
[when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]
Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.
HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY
Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?
INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.
Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.
He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.
You got all that from "quack"?
Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.
To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.
Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.
Have I ever told you you're head coach material?
After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.
EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007
Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.
ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP
Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.
I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS
Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]
No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.
EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2008
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.
Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…
INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.
As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.
You don't think that's a little drastic?
Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.
EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009
EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009
EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.
EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Not in the face!
ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP
Not in the face!
Not there either.
TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!
September 8th, 2010 at 2:15 PM ^
This was so good that I am upset with the fact that there are no plans for a trilogy.
September 8th, 2010 at 2:21 PM ^
This story can only be done justice if produced/directed by Michael Bay...
September 8th, 2010 at 2:37 PM ^
I don't understand people sometimes.
Excellent, hilarious work Dear Leader.
September 8th, 2010 at 2:58 PM ^
Like, you know, safties.
September 8th, 2010 at 3:24 PM ^
This was just terrible. Yes, it is Brian's blog and he can do what he wants but I can also comment that this is probably the least entertaining thing I have read on mgoblog while refreshing this page 60x a day for the last few years.
That said, I can't wait for the UFR to come out today! Thanks for your work Brian! I will drop a few bucks into Beveled Guilt if you promise to end this series now!
September 8th, 2010 at 3:53 PM ^
I'm upset with the manner in which this free content is being administered! Waaaaaa!
September 8th, 2010 at 7:25 PM ^
If we ever do go over to the Dark Side at Michigan Stadium, would not James Earl Jones voice "All too easy" when Denard ran for a first down be six kinds of awesome?
September 8th, 2010 at 11:32 PM ^
I emailed Brian last year and asked if he had a take on why Juice seemed to dominate us and was so futile against everyone else. It took him about 10 months to get back to me but it was worth the wait! I had some theories of my own, but apparently I was way off!
September 9th, 2010 at 7:47 AM ^
much?
September 9th, 2010 at 3:59 AM ^
"Advancement is a cultural condition where an Advanced Individual--i.e., a true genius--creates a piece of art that 99 percent of the population perceives as bad . However, this perception is not because the work itself is flawed; this perception is because most consumers are not Advanced.
"Now, do not make the mistake of inferring that this means that everything terrible is actually awesome, or vice versa; that kind of contrarianism has no place in Advancement Theory. The key to Advancement is that Advanced artists (a) do not do what is expected of them, but also (b) do not do the opposite of what is expected of them. If an artist simply does the direct opposite of what is anticipated, they are classified as "overt" (more on this later). The bottom line is this: when a legitimate genius does something that seems crazy, it does not mean they suddenly suck; what it means is that they are doing something you cannot understand, because they have Advanced beyond you."
-Chuck Klosterman, IV, P. 250.
September 9th, 2010 at 6:51 AM ^
Really? Was that supposed to be a compliment?
September 9th, 2010 at 10:25 AM ^
.....I understood it perfectly. Now off to Taco Bell for some pants!
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