So you've read Brian's best effort at being objective, analytical.  Middle Tennessee is going to be win.  Unlike The Horror, they are not a severely underrated team deploying the program's kryptonite.  But if you're like me, a miserable sheet of pale flesh stretched tautly over bones creaking in pain from living in a dank cave spitting curses at the Yellow Face. . . I know what you're thinking.  Because we're thinking the same thing.  Makes sense, right?

Right.  Let's BPONE.  (But I gotta make this quick because I don't have much time.)

Quarterback

Rating: 4

Even in the darkest pits of BPONE, we're forced to concede that the QBs are good.  Shea is mobile and accurate, and even McCaffrey's been taken out for a spin so we know what he can do.  They will be fine.

But elite?  A 5-rating from Brian?  Not ready, for one reason:  Young QBs do not wash out of the NFL because of athleticism.  Tom Brady and Drew Brees are not locks for the HoF because they are built like prototypical QBs, or we'd really be talking about Drew Henson and Ryan Leaf.  No, if a QB hits a wall it's because they can't grow out of bad habits.  And while Shea is a good QB, he has bad habits.  In particular, he struggles to read zone defenses and that's not something QBs get better at overnight, if ever.

His stats will be good, he'll protect the ball, and Gattis will probably improve his productivity.  But I think it's premature to talk about the Heisman when the limiting factor is mental, a shortcoming most QBs never overcome.  Remember Denard?  Remember Devin?  Remember Speight?  How many QBs have we seen march through here and hit the limits of their brainpower?  Why is Shea the exception, you fools?  And since defenses now know his weakness, they're going to throw zones at him until he figures it out or falls apart.  BPONE is not in the habit of thinking QBs double their IQ in a single offseason.

Shea will be good.  He might be great, and I may look foolish.  But the odds aren't in his favor.

Running Back

Rating: 4*

I'm actually more bullish here because I'm high on Tru Wilson.  The thing about being good at blocking is that while Wilson isn't an elite athlete, his skills open up the playbook so other pieces can do more damage, and those pieces are elite.  You don't need to be the Klay in Stephen's Curry to make an offense go.  You just need the defense to respect what you do.

But we only have one true Wilson.  So this is a position that can least accept an injury lest we deteriorate back into run-run-pass world because the padawans can't passablock.  Place your bets on when he tears his ACL, you self-loathing lunatics.

Wide Receiver

Rating: 5

OK I got nothing here, because even in a worst-case scenario we have so much talent and depth, and an OC with an inclination to use it, that two starters could go down and the next one in will still be productive.  I'll be sad if Tarik Black becomes the next Drake Harris, but that won't impact our passing game as a whole.

Tight End

Rating: whatever

We got good ones.  But how is Gattis going to use them?  I honestly don't know.  All the chatter's been about the receivers.  I'm not really in the BPONE here so much as ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Offensive Tackle

Rating: if (opponent.DErating<5) {OT.rating==5} else {BPONE}

Our tackles are injured and/or unproven.  They're thought to be at least okay.  And we know Runyan is good. . . against anyone who isn't elite.  It's Mason Cole all over again.  And I like Cole.  In most games he was solid. . . just not against elite DEs.  This year's conference is stacked with elite DEs.

But let's be honest.  MSU will get theirs and maybe break Shea's collarbone, but your BPONEr is rock-hard thinking about that game.  The Game, and OSU's infinite supply of, "This guy was the best DE in the country last year and was drafted #1; this year his replacement is even better!"

Like many others I had to eat crow on Runyan's transformation last season, but that was because he didn't know what he was doing, until he did.  Against this murderer's row of murderers, Runyan can only do so much with a healthy back.  Shea gon' die.

Interior OL

Rating: 5

We're good here.

Defensive End

Rating: 4

The "eh" that comes to mind when I think of DE is the most entitled "eh" since a trust fund baby dropped a Benjamin into a toilet.  Compared to Gary and Winovich, at least when they're not bandaged up like mummies, it'll be a downgrade.  It will also be fine.  We just need them to get to the QB, which they probably won't be able to do, because. . .

Defensive Tackle

YOU MADE WILL EFFIN' HEININGER A RELIABLE PLAYER

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING IN YOUR LAST FEW MONTHS HERE GREG

Linebacker

Rating: 3.5

Like DE, LB will be a "fine" downgrade from Devin Bush, the ultimate Dude to play the position at Michigan.  And like DE, the productivity of the downgrade is likely to be downgraded further because not only are the DTs just Guys, the DEs are just Guys, and the CBs after Hill are just Guys.  Offense is about attacking weaknesses.  Our linebackers will be relatively good, but they'll also be relatively easy to avoid.

Cornerback

Rating: 5, 4, 3, 2, (thunk*dead*)

Hill is expected to be elite, Thomas to be very good, Gray to be decent, and then from there scream.jpg.

OSU's receivers are gonna have 40 times of 4.4, 4.4, 4.4, 4.4, and 4.4, and if there's some true freshman walk-on after all that, he probably ran a 4.4 as well and even committed to Michigan but we didn't send him an LOI.  Hill is going to shut down one guy.  Someone is going to be running on his matchup's footprints all game.

Safety

Rating: 3.5

For all you folks geeked about the Daxter. . .

Jabrill Peppers got injured his first game and missed the season.  Just sayin'.

Special Teams

Like Brown's defense as a whole, this is another unit that will be very good statistically, namely by kicking ass when it doesn't matter.  We're going to block some punts, sure.  We'll kick a 65-yard FG in a game we wind up winning 45-24.  Either DPJ or Ambry Thomas is going to run another punt return for a TD against Minnesota, and we don't even play Minnesota this season.  Yeah, impressive, I know.

And then against one of the heavyweights on our schedule, they're going to get a kick or punt blocked and give the other team a free seven points in a game we can least afford it.  Because that seems to happen all. the. time.

Special Section: Coaching & Feelingsball

Gattis shows promise but his record as an OC is zero.  There's ample evidence to show his plays are effective but we don't know what he's like calling the shots in adversity.  Even the best have been known to crumple in games, so this is an unknown that should've been talked about more.

Brown is Brown, he will take his crop of good-but-not-great players that replaced the great players and scheme them up to a top-20 defense.  He is almost without peer in that regard.  But his main flaw is that he can be too trusting of his players' capabilities, down to sending a beefy inside linebacker to cover the #2 pick in the draft.  What's he going to do against Ohio State?  They don't have Meyer anymore, but this year's Game will continue a trend where the athletic mismatches that favor OSU seem to only increase.

One final note, please bear in mind that BPONE is a defensive mechanism.  No one is hoping that any of the above comes to pass.  This is the baseline.  The floor.  The "it can't get any worse than this" scenario, to avoid the anguish of falling further.  Injuries, disappointments, mismatches. . . it's all here to glare at, digest, and then be pleasantly surprised when some of them don't happen.

. . . at least until Harbaugh announces he took the Oakland job.