TomVH

ssooooo youre dumb

Basically, TomVH is the long lost Van Halen brother who didn't make the cut in the band. He pretty much single-handedly invented David Lee Roth's vocal improvisational style (of using "skeedily bop!" and so forth) in much the same way that Forrest Gump invented Elvis Presley's onstage dancing style, but demanded royalties for the success of Van Halen's self-titled album and died shortly after its release due to some sort of flying split-kick-related death. His ghost lives on to this day in the outskirts of Arizona and keeps us up to date on Michigan football recruiting and is responsible for this bit of gold appearing on the interweb.

Hey, man, you don't talk to the TomVH. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean, sometimes he'll, uh, well, you'll say "Hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you, and he won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say "Do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? 'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'..." – I mean, I'm no, I can't – I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's, he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas – I mean...wish I had words, man. I wish I had words... I can tell ya something like the other day he wanted to kill me. Somethin' like that... because I took his picture. He said "If you take my picture again, I'm gonna kill you." And he *meant* it.

This is dialectics man, it's one through nine. No maybe no supposes, no fractions, man. Beeyoootiful.

TomVH....is.

I heard TomVH is a Shaolin monk who roams the land with Jules from Pulp Fiction bringing justice to the people and overcoming the evildoers so peace and prosperity reigns triumphant from sea to shining sea amen.

I like to think of TomVH as, like, a dirty old bum. And he comes up to me, and I'm about to sock him one, cause he's a dirty old bum, and then I say, "Wait a minute. I better not sock this guy. There's something special about him."

Funny stuff, but seriously, TomVH is the Lawnmower man. He projected himself into the mainframe computer and became pure energy. His birthcry was the sound of every recruits telephone in the entire country ringing at once.

TomVH lives within our souls.

I subscribe to the theory that Jimmy Hoffa joined the witness protection program, got a facelift and was reborn as "Tom VH." It explains his multitude of connections.

TomVH and Mike Barwis live together in a cave as part of a pack of wolves and do man things all day while their pet manbearpig does their bidding tiddlywinks