OT: How did you handle the end of your playing career?
As the parent of a college athlete whose career is coming to an end (he just graduated, but is now in the NCAA regionals), I'm curious how those of you who played (high school, college, even pro) dealt with the end of your playing careers. You invested so much of yourselves in your sport -- so much time, energy, you gave up other things to get better at what you do -- I'm wondering if it's like losing a piece of yourself when it all ends. Depending on the sport, you may be able to play in other capacities (like golf or tennis) but some team sports don't lend themselves well post-career to the level of competition you're used to. As i watch my kid and his fellow senior (now graduate) teammates face potential lasts -- last at bats, last innings, last pitches -- I want to be able to say the right things, or say nothing at all if that's what's needed, as my son processes the last time he plays competitively with a team.
It ends for everybody. My friends that played professional sports or very high level college sports seem to have translated it into some sort of sport that lasts the rest of their life. This is usually golf. Some wound up doing like masters swimming if they were swimmers, etc. They still had a fire and just needed to direct it at something else. I don't think that ever goes away.
I think this is the most common reaction. I pitched in college, sat in the upper 80's touching 90 my freshman year. I was in engineering school, and that along with church, family, my girlfriend, and needing to work to pay for school since they didn't have many baseball scholarships (D2) meant that baseball had to go.
I bawled in the parking lot before and after the year-end meeting I had with my coach, it was absolutely gut-wrenching. So while my career ended by my own choice, I think the pain is similar (and the what-if's for playing professionally, as I wasn't far off many players in the draft and was only a freshman).
I found a competitive slow-pitch softball league, although many people I know play fastpitch or modified. I've also gotten into golf, but because I was a pitcher I tend to lean toward softball since I can still throw which was my strongest skill. There are also men's baseball leagues out there, but you won't be able to play in them as long as you can play softball. I think they also take more of a toll, and as someone said in another comment, if you aren't playing professionally then this stage in life becomes more about being healthy rather than sacrificing your body for recreation.
It still hurts me to think about but it gets better over time, and I'm thankful that I have strong faith that helps me realize I have other purposes in life than playing baseball. That's the hardest realization - your dreams of playing as a career are over, and now it's time to be a "regular" person in the workplace. But I've found that even though your physical baseball skills don't translate to the workplace, people will still see you as a special person if you work hard and are a good coworker/employee. I'm not defined by my ability to play baseball anymore (actually I only play in a church league now instead of a competitive one), and that's given me a lot of freedom once I got over how scary it was to not have baseball to lean on. Now, I have to define who I am instead of letting my natural baseball talents do it for me.
In my case it was obvious that I wasn't going to cut it at Michigan in my primary sport. (Even being a walk-on was out of reach. It would be even more so today.) I'd made peace with that prior to the end, so it wasn't a big deal. I'd expect this to be easier for someone who's near the end of college.
I went to school the next morning
Took off my wrestling shoes and started eating! Slept in the next day and didn’t go for a run.
As a dad/coach, my 14U son knew he wouldn’t play at the next level (his choice). He was so relaxed and played well in the fall, spring, then summer. We got beat in the State tournament (final four) and he was satisfied. It was a fun 2 hour drive home as we shared memories.
Gave up on football at DIII level after knee surgery. Picked up golf, but didn’t do it for me. Felt like I went through a period where I was wandering through the woods. Eventually got a real cross country bike and haven’t looked back. Needed something to push myself physically and allow myself to eat whatever crap I want and only be semi fat. Now on bike #4 and back racing again in my 50s. Find your “it” thing and keep moving forward.
This is a great answer- finding your "it" thing. The older I get, the more I realize that my "it" changes too. And unlike my sport, where I never hit my peak because it was done as I was maturing, I find that when I plateau at a thing after 5 years or so, I can transfer my hunger to a new "it" when I'm ready, and not before that.
"Needed something to push myself physically and allow myself to eat whatever crap I want and only be semi fat."
Perfectly said! Haha, 1,000%! For me it's hiking, basketball, and Ultimate Frisbee.
+1 for riding a bike to what you want and stay semi-fat. The more I exercise, the more I want to eat, so despite riding 60+ miles a week, I still gained a modest amount over the past year or so of getting back into riding trails.
i didn’t know my last games would be my last games. high school ended with a red card. college i had an injury and never came back. i filled the void with parties and hot babes. as i aged i relied on golf to get my competitive juices flowing. however, no matter how much i grind or how much money i throw at the sport i just can’t compete at the level i was in my primary sport.
so now, i force my 5 and 7 year old children to train in that sport day and night. they will dominate the globe in the beautiful game one day. i will make it to the top vicariously through them. if not i may just get a camaro and drive fast.
I was very sad - and I was a kid who played in HS and was never going further than that. Short story is I got into club sports and beer leagues and outdoors sports. Longer story is it took me a while to take club sports more casually, and while I joined the Air Force for a lot of reasons, being a part of a team was certainly one of them. Leaving the Air Force was gave me a similar feeling - I had defined myself in one way for so long, it was tough to re-imagine who I was while being the same person.
The biggest thing that would have helped me is to emphasize - this is a graduation, not a separation. And while he can't play this game in the same way moving forward, he can still be a part of it. And the feelings he has for it and derives from it don't end - they just transform in the next phase of his life. Part of growing up is adapting to these kinds of changes.
It’s tough Wendy, took me a couple of years to process the loss and make peace with it. You said it, a part of you is removed.
My suggestion is let your son know the door is open for conversation.
I found something else that could challenge me in the same way as sports. That happened to be computer programming for me, as for missing the competition and team aspect. That didn't go away until my kids began playing sports. It was a different feeling, but all the same, I felt all of the emotions I remembered from when I played by watching them play. It's important to not overdo it, seen far too many parents trying to live their dreams through their kids and you could see the misery in the kid's eyes.
Personly I had to accept that I didn't have a future in sports and going D3 just to keep playing didn't make sense and I was better off at UM. Played the occasional IM league spent lots of time in the CCRB working out. Sure I missed it, but life moves on.
A torn ACL abruptly ended my rec league career at age 26
Burned out. Haven't played since. Played catch a few times. Into other recreational activities now.
I just knew. At about 5'7", I didn't have much of a future as a Defensive Tackle. I was a halfway decent shotputter - I went to a D3 school, and they asked me if I wanted to throw there. I turned them down, figured the time investment for no scholarship wouldn't be worth it to me. One of my few regrets in life, but I was pretty dang poor in college, so I needed time to study, and to work.
As I recall, it wasn't that big a deal. It was golf, it was high school, and I wasn't nearly as good as the top players on the team. I got my letter and was happy with that.
wendy, your question is more of a 'what do i tell my son in the next week or two who has poured his life into being a great, albeit not MLB propect, baseball player'. IIRC about a couple of your past comments, you have a great segue for him: son, you used your athletic career to get one of the coolest jobs imaginable doing something you love. most folks wish they could have a job doing something they are even mildly interested in, and you instead have hit a figurative home run.
also, he can play in adult rec leagues or even some high-level softball if he still has a hankering for the sport. i'm guessing he'll do that.
as for me, it was a great lesson learned 40 yrs ago at our favorite school. i had hardly ever seen the ice at yost and so i had missed training camp my junior year since i figured i was done playing and i was ticked. the first week of school our captain teddy spears ('spearsy') and donny krussman ('special k') searched me out and said, 'XM (disclaimer: not my real name) where have you been, why haven't you been at camp? the guys want you to play, etc. ' i told them the same story: giordano hates me, everybody on the team hates giordano, and i don't get to play, so what's the point?' nevertheless they told me to go to practice the next day and talk to giordano. i thought about it and decided i would. had a talk with giordano and he said, 'let me think about it', come back tomorrow.
and so there i was the next day with my hockey gear in my car, go up to coach's office before practice and say, 'i'm here, ready to play'. and i'll never forget what giordano said, it was a tremendous lesson in life. he said, 'i thought about it and i don't think it would be fair to the other players if i let you come on when you've missed the first 3 weeks of camp'. in my mind i wanted say, 'coach, it was the players, including one of our captains, that searched me out and asked me to play', but instead i said nothing and went on with life having learned a great lesson: sometimes people in charge will make bad decisions and justify them with even worse rationale. i have never had to re-learn that lesson.
my last football season and game was another, very different approach but this is long enough.
So, you're right -- my son is very fortunate in where he's going next. But he did harbor the desire to keep playing because Covid took away a year and there was one D1 school (a great academic school, not a great baseball school) that had interest and he did apply to the grad school and got in. It surprised me that starting sophomore year, he harbored "fantasies" of getting drafted, but I think that was spurred on by a teammate who is just more physically gifted than my son is (throws in the low 90's and just broke the school strike out record in our conference championship game with 14 K's -- he's also going to play a 5th year at Maryland, who's ranked 18th in the country so you know the talent potential there). My son worked harder than I've ever seen him work and is so driven and ambitious but I think he realized that his future in baseball is not as player. I just haven't asked him directly whether it was a conscious realization. I may ask him someday. He still has games to play and I know enough not to interfere with the mental preparation by asking a question like that before big games. Appreciate you sharing your experience.
Stayed in the game and became a coach with young kids. I loved every bit of it, and still coach today. I miss competitive playing (not the nagging soreness and injuries), but get the competitive itch scratched by coaching.
Aside from what everyone else has said I want to put a pin on this, particularly the injury part.
If the kid is liable to go too hard physically in future pursuits...
I wish someone had taken me aside and told me that your body in your late 20s is not your body in your 18-22 range. I wish someone had sent me this link https://www.cnbc.com/2019/04/12/billionaire-warren-buffett-greatest-advice-to-millennials-the-1-thing-in-life-you-need-to-prioritize.html. You can still be an athlete, but the ultimate goal now needs to be injury prevention and overall life health. Prepare them for how in rec sports, everyone hits a period where the 'casuals' are better than your body will let you be, but focusing on injury prevention means they'll be in their 70s instead of 1 bad day in the gym away from being the best softball player in rec league. It's way easier to take after 50 years of winning any game you want to =).
This can pair well with a "welcome to the next stage of adulthood" conversation. The highs and lows and endless to-do lists of an adult job can be very different from being an athlete. Maybe with your guidance you can help them take the lessons they've learned so far into this new, different domain gracefully. If necessary you might talk them out of making << minimum wage in single A, or at least doing so for more than a year or two. They might need to stare in the face the fact that they won't ever be a truly great baseball player on a world level, but the opportunity to be truly great at something else is staring them in the face and they shouldn't walk away from it. Send them this link https://www.michigandaily.com/uncategorized/man-who-built-michigan-hockey-red-berenson-player-coach-and-teacher/
On the other hand, if they're liable to walk away completely from athletic pursuits...
I would talk to them about the concepts in this book. It is focused on finance, but applies here. Basically, there are things you aren't going to want to do in your 40s-60s. Make time for them now. Especially while your body is athletic
It's bittersweet. I was always ready for the grind of football season to end, but a couple months later missed it like crazy
Senior year of college it felt super weird walking off the field for the last time. After a couple weeks it sank in, and the feelings were just kind of in the background. Had to focus on graduating and what came next anyways
If I had a kid in that position, I'd tell them to savor the memories, but don't dwell on them as some sort of "glory days" thing that you see some former athletes do. Direct that energy to your next project, hobby, career, relationship, whatever
I had some small DIII/Juco basketball options after HS. But as I was taking off my basketball shoes for the last time after losing to Muskegon Heights by 3 in the 1993 class B state quarterfinals at the GRCC gym I was just crushed, I knew my path towards an engineering degree from Michigan didn't involve those options.
It sucked, I'm not sure what more to say than time to move on to your next chapter in life while cherishing those memories forever.
Well, I just bought myself a chair and sit on it regularly.
This was similar to my playing career in high school basketball.
It was apparent to me that in all the sports I played (was ranked in one), there were always going to be others who were bigger, faster than me - but not smarter. After graduating, I focused on setting goals for being the smartest guy in the room, the market, etc..
I continued to play my favorite sports until business, wife, and sons consumed my time and focus. The golf clubs, the rackets, etc. provided times of pleasant distractions when I could temporarily put aside the other needs - shut the "adult brain" off.
Your boy will get through it at his own pace on his own terms. His big jumps in maturity will come around ages 24/25 and then around 29 to 32. Males progress much differently than you, as a Mom, can recognize. If you've parented him as well as you seem to have? He will work it out and thank you, on an irregular basis, for everything you've done for him. Just continue to be there for him ... should he ever reach out for support, a question, or a hug.
I love, love, love athletic endeavor. The internal drive required to excel at sports translates to (all) other life ventures very well. Doing your best and working to make your team better is what being a good citizen is about too. I played on and coached some terrific teams who exceeded expectations and passed on wonder life-long memories. But here, now at 69 years of age, I will say that the best team I was ever associated with our pediatric oncology group-back in Indy. The commitment, the expertise and the execution was off the charts. Life goes on...there will be no regrets.
Wrong thought process. It is not the last time he will play competitively with a team. I played baseball. Then I was told baseball "ended" for me. I focused on my career -- leading teams in business, but kept in shape. I played in softball and basketball leagues. It wasn't challenging enough. I played a little golf. It was boring to me. I moved to Florida and rediscovered baseball leagues and tournaments for "old guys". I've been playing 100 or more games a year throughout my 50's and I play it at a very high level as natural ability and physical conditioning can create a competitive advantage as we age. I kind of wish there were more adult leagues and I never stopped playing in my late 20's, but I know I would not appreciate it as much as I do today. The key is a lifetime commitment to physical fitness. But what is crazy is how my passion for baseball has translated to my career. I am making 10 times what I made when I focused solely on my career and played boring sports. I wake up every day excited about work and playing my next game. That game might be against Dante Bischette, Mike Whitten, Doug Flutie, or any number of former professional athletes who come out and still play tournament baseball. The fact I can compete very well with these guys makes it all the more fun.
I was "lucky" in the sense that my preferred sports were running - track and XC - so it was a solitary-ish sport that lends itself to competitions after you graduate from teams. I wasn't a particularly good runner in HS but when I got to UM I started running more with people I met, created a club, and focused on marathons and similar races. So that "extended" my competition levels to a degree but I certainly wasn't elite and as I've aged have come to realize I'll never be that fast again, or at least not able to reach that level without a heightened risk of injury.
So I transitioned to just having more fun, to run local races with my family and just do it more for fitness. I found enjoyment in just having fun and engaging in physical activity but recognize that you always need to be evaluating where you are and what your goals are, and shifting them isn't a sign of weakness or lack of competitive fire. I'm sure your son will feel a bit sad once his season ends, and that's totally fine. He should feel that way, and conveying that it's normal and healthy to do so is important. But then tell him to figure out what part(s) of the sport he found most enjoyable (e.g. the skill aspect, the camaraderie, the competition, etc.) and see if he can find those same aspects in something else. And to expect to try a bunch of different things before settling on ones that work.
Wish him and you luck.
I knew I was never playing past my lower level college career so when my senior year was wrapping up, I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. We lost our last game 3-1 and I made the last out. I was sad and shed a few tears right there on the field knowing it was over. But after packing up our stuff and going home, it felt mostly like any other summer break.
What really ended up being the hardest part for me was the following fall when all my former teammates were moving back to school and opening day. I was sitting at my office job on both of those days and they were very difficult. Just something to keep in mind.
When you run a 5.0 40 as a 170 pound WR/LB you know that your playing career is over right when that clock hits 0 and you lose in the high school playoffs, so I cried like a baby back bitch because I knew what I loved most was over. You were right when you guessed that it was like losing a part of yourself. Baseball was easier to manage because there’s always men’s leagues and softball you can play, but I knew there wasn’t going to be another time I could strap em up and pop someone so that was really hard to get over. I never had the chance to play something four years in college (congrats to your child) but I would guess it’s going to hit them at some point and pretty much all you can say is that you’re proud of them and you enjoyed being on the journey with them.
My playing career ended and when I walked off the field the last time, I didn't know that was it. I made the decision to hang it up to enjoy my college experience instead of pushing through regimented days of non-stop work. Maybe it was good, maybe it wasn't, but I still have my metal spikes and that was over 20 years ago.
How did I fill the void? Softball. Beer league softball.
A lot of great stories or thoughts on here so far. One other option I would like to offer up is to look into becoming an official in that sport. You get to stay involved in the sport you love, you can recapture that thrill of being a part of a competition and performing in front of a crowd, and depending on the sport, there is likely a competitive framework for you to improve your skills, excel, and achieve higher levels. Playing the sport at a high level usually gives an advantage to those seeking to work at higher levels. Plus, you can often continue refereeing in a sport much longer than you would be able to competitively play that sport. Other advantages include making a little extra side money, getting out of the regular work environment to get some fresh air and exercise, and providing a service to allow others to enjoy the same sport you did, since there are often official shortages in sports.
It might sound silly but online gaming is a decent way to fuel your competitive fire. Mix that in with weight lifting and skiing to try and stay in decent shape… not a bad consolation prize.
Fuel it with the Kaptain.
I don’t think you need to say anything. Your child will process it themselves and move on just fine. When my playing career ended in some ways it was nice. My body was beat up and the amount of work was crazy. Still have great memories from my playing days but don’t miss it. Found other sports to play that are easy on the body like golf and now even pickle ball and can get competitive juices going
Translated the underlying skills and lessons to other areas of life.
In my sport-running, my Michigan career ended but then competition continued long after. College competition is finite no matter what sport and it is always bittersweet to have that last day in the Maize and Blue uniform but we must all pass through that threshold.
I gave up competing in running because I felt I climbed all of those mountains and needed not to find another one to climb, like moving up into an older age group.
I have no words of wisdom for your son except that all of the Michigan greats who donned the Maize and Blue uniform all passed the torch. You can name dozens of such stars to make your case. Best wishes.
I played with the same group of kids from mites ( 7 years old) to major midgets ( 17 ). The hardest part for me was knowing that those road trips , running the halls of hotels (when we were younger) 5am before school practices were over. The game will always be there and there's so many ways to give back, be present and fill that competitive edge.
Now I travel to St Louis for work and often times the hotels are packed on Friday/ Saturdays with travel sports teams. My co workers will complain about the kiddos running the halls keeping them up till 11pm. it's come full circle.
Well when I didn't make the leap from JV to Varsity volleyball, I cried for about 30 minutes and allowed my friends to talk me into trying out for the school musical. Turns out I'm a much better singer than athlete, and got good roles (instead of riding the pine) and had a lot of fun. The experience of a team sport was valuable though. The sport experience that lasted a lifetime was swimming, as it is my exercise of choice and I understand I can continue until I am (more) old and decrepit.