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Hello: Michigan Robot

By UMAmaizinBlue — December 17th, 2010 at 3:38 PM — 106 comments
Filed under:
  • football
  • football
  • recruits
  • robots

There was a post earlier about a "curious M-Den item" in which many people speculated about whether this Michigan Robot could actually play football. Well, after some research, I found out more about our mechanized friend, and it appears that in all the buzz about Blake Countess(WOOOO!), people failed to realize that Michigan Robot also committed to play football for the University of Michigan. Therefore, to make up for this slight, I've compiled everything you need to know about this darkhorse athlete. Enjoy!

INFORMATIVE PORTION

 

GURU RATINGS

Scout Rivals ESPN
5*, #1 CB, #5 Overall 6.0, #1 CB, #4 Overall 5*, 95, #2 CB

Michigan Robot is a solid player who could contribute immediately in this defense. His size shouldn't be an issue, as Scout and Rivals have him listed at 11' 1" (ESPN, oddly, has him listed at just 10' 10"). He will also be playing in this year's U.S. Army All-Robotics Bowl. Here's is a breakdown of his game:

Michigan Robot is made of metal, he's indestructible, and he weighs the same as a truck. He literally destroys everything in his path. His speed could also be helpful in returns. He cannot kick, because he just obliterates the ball when he tries, which is a 5 yard penalty.

ESPN was the only site not to give Michigan Robot the nod as the #1 CB. Here's their reasoning:

Michigan Robot has great speed, size, and just about everything you'd want in a football player. He's a tremendous athlete, but there's a problem: he's not human. Thus, his talents are artificial and not natural. Seeing as how DeAnthony Thomas is a naturally-gifted athlete, he is our #1 rated CB.

Nevermind the fact that Michigan Robot has lasers for eyes, but moving on. Michigan Robot's tackling also seems to be superb, as to be expected when you were built for destruction. Scout breaks down his tackling:

His hips are always on a swivel: no seriously, his hips are welded to a swivel. As a result, Michigan Robot can allow his body to follow a tackle through to completion even if he doesn't get the initial stop on first contact, which never happens, so disregard that. How is this guy even legally eligible to play against humans?

Scout loves this kid, and made no attempt to hide it. Instead of quoting them, I'm simply provided the Scout page for you to observe yourself:

Michigan Robot is obviously a great athlete who loves to compete, and his performances at combines and scout camps have shown that time and time again. MI Robot's ability to cover receivers won't ever be questioned, because he's about the same height as a single-story ranch home.

OFFERS

Who didn't offer this kid? I mean, come on, he's a giant robot! Among the schools that Michigan beat out to land MI Robot were Florida, Alabama, Auburn, OSU, and MIT (YTMIT). The MIT offer seems odd since they haven't had a football team since...ever, but when you look at their offer, it becomes clear that they merely wanted to research how MI Robot functioned as a mechanized automaton. 

MI Robot's final three came down to Michigan, Florida, and OSU, but ultimately picked Michigan because, as he put it:

During manufacturing my cranial shell was affixed with maize and blue wings, thus it seemed logical that I was meant to play for Michigan.

STATS

Scout's profile on Michigan Robot gave the following numbers:

Michigan robot didn't play football his senior year due to concern over "bodily harm to other, more human, players." However his junior year he recorded 35 interceptions, 235 tackles, 17 returns for touchdowns, and he successfully tied the goal posts into origami cranes after winning the state championship.

So, yea, he's pretty good. The only slight was in a game against Cass Tech when he got burned by a receiver for a touchdown because opposing fans yelled out a paradox in unison, thus confusing MI Robot (paradoxical statements have since been banned from all games in which MI Robot is playing in order to avoid self-destruction).

FAKE 40 TIME

ESPN and Rivals have MI Robot's speed at 4.43 even, but Scout tends to give his speed a little more credit, citing a 4.37 40 time. Since these times were timed by MI Robot's inner computer and then verified using statistical probability analysis on 1,000 hypothetical attempts, I'd say these times are pretty accurate.

Still, there's always error involved in statistical analysis, so I'll give these times a one-half FAKE out of five.

VIDEO

This is just a short clip, but it should tell you everything you need to know:

PREDICTION BASED ON FLIMSY EVIDENCE

When the only negative that scouts seem to give this kid is his "lack of humanity," you know you've got a good thing (as long as he's, well, not actually human). Still, it will be interesting to see if the coaching staff at Michigan will keep this kid at CB or use him, well, everywhere [Ed-M: My votes for hybrid FS/Terminator]. He's got the gifts to play nearly any position except QB (he tends to put too much mustard behind his throws, and he isn't made of Dilithium) and we could easily see him playing both ways a la Charles Woodson.

Don't look for MI Robot to redshirt since he is an obvious lock to start at an abhorrently depleted position (e.g. - the entire defense). There doesn't seem to be much Barwisizing to do because MI Robot isn't made from flesh and muscle, but never underestimate the power of milk.

Even as an underclassman, MI Robot has the potential to do special things, and I look forward to him being on All-American lists by season's end. Also, he could give Denard a run for the Heisman next year (but not really).

UPSHOT FOR THE REST OF THE CLASS

He's a freaking 11-foot robot who plays football, and he can play every position! Who cares? (Although it would still be nice to land a stud like Walls Jernigan.) This could do wonders for our recruiting because, well, who the hell wouldn't want to play football with a football robot?

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:44 PM
#2
acnumber1
acnumber1's picture
Joined: 10/19/2009
MGoPoints: 18671
Espn

Espn has him as the #2 CB.  Idiots.

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:44 PM
#3
BlueintheLou
BlueintheLou's picture
Joined: 09/13/2008
MGoPoints: 3681
I only have two

I only have two critiques/questions.

First, how does Scott Kennedy view him as "not the biggest DB on the field", as he is a debatable 11'1"?

Secondly, it says he had 35 interceptions and only 17 returns for touchdowns. With such a size mismatch, how did he get brought down on more than half his interceptions?

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:47 PM
(Reply to #3) #4
acnumber1
acnumber1's picture
Joined: 10/19/2009
MGoPoints: 18671
INT

The non TD ints were likely on balls that were going WAY out of bounds, he laid out, caught the ball and landed in the 4th row of the enemy band, sending brass asploding like popcorn.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:12 PM
(Reply to #3) #5
ryanfourmayor
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Joined: 12/06/2010
MGoPoints: 3202
sounds like all he needs is

sounds like all he needs is hart!

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:51 PM
#6
CincyBlue
CincyBlue's picture
Joined: 06/30/2008
MGoPoints: 2310
Is

Chad Henne back?

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:51 PM
(Reply to #10) #7
BlockM
BlockM's picture
Joined: 07/03/2008
MGoPoints: 28426
This, engineering students,

This, engineering students, is why you ALWAYS document your code. No one can figure out how to replicate that machine.

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:54 PM
#8
coachclen
coachclen's picture
Joined: 10/13/2010
MGoPoints: 1114
This

is awesome

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:08 PM
#9
profitgoblue
profitgoblue's picture
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Rosenberg Article on Michigan Robot

Here's an excerpt from a Rosenberg article in the Free Press:

Michigan has clearly sold itself to the devil to get this committment.  We have numerous unnamed sources that have stated that Michigan Robot is actually former NFL player, NFL Robot, who not only used all of his NCAA eligibility at a JUCO, but has also been paid to play football professionally.  In addition, we are informed that Michigan has agreed to list Michigan Robot as a co-signatory on the Athletic Department's operating account, allowing him to withdraw funds at any time.  Finally, we are informed that Michigan Robot was convicted numerous times for punching kittens.  Officials are Michigan refused to comment.  As such, it is clear that Michigan is going to be looking at the "death penalty" after the NCAA officials read this article.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:42 PM
(Reply to #7) #10
Blue_Sox
Joined: 09/30/2010
MGoPoints: 4688
Addendum

There are also questions about competitive advantage issues. Michigan Robot has been programmed with "Auto-Practice" mode that allows him to practice in his sleep. There is some concern that this mode cannot be deactivated by the sirens Michigan recently installed to indicate the end of authorized practice hours. Moreover, it seems that Michigan Robot is transferring some of these practice hours to his teammates. It certainly appears Michigan Robot is the latest indication of Michigan's renegade program during Rich Rodriguez's tenure. As with other athletes who are no longer with the program, it is unclear why he continues to recruit such questionable characters.

 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:47 PM
(Reply to #32) #11
Wolverine0056
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Joined: 08/02/2010
MGoPoints: 7775
He shares too? Is there

He shares too? Is there anything he can't do?

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:52 PM
(Reply to #37) #12
Blue_Sox
Joined: 09/30/2010
MGoPoints: 4688
Yes...

Cry. Unlike that non-Michigan Man head coach of his!1!!1! 

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:59 PM
#13
Crime Reporter
Crime Reporter's picture
Joined: 12/19/2008
MGoPoints: 10117
Michigan Robot is actually a six star recruit

The sites are going to be updating the rankings shortly, but the rumbling is M. Robot is such a lock to Fuck.Shit.Up. that he will receive an unprecedented sixth star.

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December 17th, 2010 at 11:11 PM
(Reply to #8) #14
acnumber1
acnumber1's picture
Joined: 10/19/2009
MGoPoints: 18671
Amp

Our amp goes to 11!

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December 17th, 2010 at 3:57 PM
#15
pkatz
pkatz's picture
Joined: 01/22/2010
MGoPoints: 37368
MIT!!!

cannot believe we snake-oiled MIT for Robot!  Way to go, RichRod! 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:04 PM
#16
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
good stuff, but

is there any concern that he is advertising his services for under $25?  Two things come to mind.  First, are the obvious pay to play implications unless the manufacturer/retailer can be viewed as a parental unit and then there is no problem.  Second, why so cheap?  Is Michigan Robot hiding something?  Troubled past perhaps or possible issues in obtaining eligibility? 

Look I don't want to rain on the Hello parade, but people need to really think about these things before doing backflips.  Besides, backflips are dangerous.  That's why I stick with somersults.  OK, I can't quite do one of those either.  Instead I just kind of roll around on the floor, but damnit, it looks glorious in my head so stop laughing and go fuck yourself - safely.  That can be dangerous, too. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:28 PM
(Reply to #11) #17
Crime Reporter
Crime Reporter's picture
Joined: 12/19/2008
MGoPoints: 10117
Problem solved

If anyone asks about the money, we will just create a cover story depicting MI Robot's father as the sole driving force behind this pay-to-play scheme. Done and done.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:38 PM
(Reply to #13) #18
gbdub
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Joined: 02/16/2010
MGoPoints: 12685
I heard...

... that it was his Mom

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:05 PM
#19
America
America's picture
Joined: 09/19/2009
MGoPoints: 812
Finally a recruit big enough

Finally a recruit big enough to play in the Big 10!

/clearly s

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:15 PM
(Reply to #12) #20
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
hate to be a grammar nazi

but it is a must when you fuck up your own handle.  There is no e in AMURICA!  Also, it should always be in all caps and with an exclamation point.  if Ricky Stanzi can figure this out, so can you.  GOD BLESS AMURICA!  AND NO WHERE ELSE!

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:31 PM
(Reply to #18) #21
America
America's picture
Joined: 09/19/2009
MGoPoints: 812
Pont taken.  I would even go

Pont taken.  I would even go as far to say the first A should probably be moved to the end so GOD BLESS 'MURICAA and GOD BLESS RICKY STANZI

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:33 PM
(Reply to #21) #22
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
Now yer gettin' it

here's a point

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:09 PM
#23
BornInAA
BornInAA's picture
Joined: 11/21/2009
MGoPoints: 12362
Terrelle Pryor:

"I'll put it like this: You make me out of metal — any kind — and I'd dominate," Pryor said, when asked about the attention afforded Michigan Robot. "I'd dominate the known universe. What robots do, that's what they're supposed to do in their programming."

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:15 PM
(Reply to #14) #24
Crime Reporter
Crime Reporter's picture
Joined: 12/19/2008
MGoPoints: 10117
Typical Pryor

Always hating. He had the chance to commit to Mars and play in a robotic offense but instead he went to Tressel... er ... actually, I think this worked out for him in the long run.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:14 PM
(Reply to #14) #25
ryanfourmayor
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Joined: 12/06/2010
MGoPoints: 3202
".....as a robot i'd kill

".....as a robot i'd kill people, all robots kill people"

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:51 PM
(Reply to #14) #26
BlockM
BlockM's picture
Joined: 07/03/2008
MGoPoints: 28426
I saw he had "CHIP" and

I saw he had "CHIP" and "HAZARD" written on his eyeblack one game. Doesn't he know the awful things that guy did to the Gorgonites?

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:24 PM
#27
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
This might be on its way to one of the best threads ever

topics already discussed:

  • Robots
  • Recruiting
  • ESPN is retarded
  • Henne
  • Rosenberg = douche
  • snake-oil
  • Hello
  • AMURICA
  • pay-to-play (or not so much)
  • Pryor is a moron and doesn't know when to STFU

keep it comin' people.  this could be our year in review.  I am so not getting any work done in the next hour. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:44 PM
(Reply to #19) #28
profitgoblue
profitgoblue's picture
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Pos-Intercourse

I plan on making pos-love to everyone who posts in this thread.  It is outstanding.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:49 PM
(Reply to #36) #29
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
Oh yeah

Did ya like that profitgoblue?  huh?  I bet you did.  you want some more?  say my name.  SAY MY NAME, BITCH!!!

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:51 PM
(Reply to #43) #30
Wolverine0056
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Joined: 08/02/2010
MGoPoints: 7775
NomadicBlue

NomadicBlue NomadicBlue!!! 

*shakingly*

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:02 PM
(Reply to #43) #31
profitgoblue
profitgoblue's picture
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
NOMADICBLUE

NOMADICBLUUUUUUUUUUE!

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:03 PM
(Reply to #52) #32
BlockM
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Joined: 07/03/2008
MGoPoints: 28426
Did you just blueblast? I

Did you just blueblast? I hope someone's recording your vinegar strokes.

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:07 PM
(Reply to #54) #33
profitgoblue
profitgoblue's picture
Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
A few seconds later

NomadicBlue finished clicking prematurely . . . but it was still good:

Lady in the sheeveless shirt sitting on the bed and smoking cigarette with marijuana Stock Photo - 7754908

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:22 PM
(Reply to #56) #34
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
No worries

I've got... reserve reserves!

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:37 PM
(Reply to #60) #35
NomadicBlue
NomadicBlue's picture
Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
Funny thing happened on my way to posbanging everyone

I was going really fast and maybe got a little overzealous, and well, I, uh may have posbanged myself a couple times inadvertantly.  I don't normally do that sort of thing because I feel that it is morally wrong, but I must confess that it did feel quite good to do it to myself just this one time.  It won't happen again, I promise.  Pray for me. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:48 PM
(Reply to #64) #36
profitgoblue
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Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Even-Steven

I just negged you so consider yourself absolved of your sins (at least your MGoSins - not sure about the others you may (or may not) have committed . . .).

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:26 PM
#37
MGoShtoink
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Joined: 11/05/2010
MGoPoints: 8523
This is just awesome!

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:35 PM
#38
gbdub
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Joined: 02/16/2010
MGoPoints: 12685
Tacopants is taller, and word

Tacopants is taller, and word is he may have to move to defense.

EDIT: Meant as response to BlueintheLou below, who questioned why Scout called MI Robot "not the tallest DB on the field"

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:32 PM
#39
Wolverine0056
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Joined: 08/02/2010
MGoPoints: 7775
FINALLY!! Someone that can

FINALLY!! Someone that can play defense!

/s

Seriously though this is a great thread. I love it so much. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:36 PM
(Reply to #23) #40
NomadicBlue
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Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
if we landed a robot

why can't we close on your avatar!?!  you obviously have a connection there, so get to it.  he was born to play with wings on his head.  Literally!

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:41 PM
(Reply to #25) #41
Wolverine0056
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Joined: 08/02/2010
MGoPoints: 7775
I'll do what I can. I will

I'll do what I can. I will take the next plane to the jungle and see if Arny Swartenagger (sp?) will give me a hand. I agree, adding Predator to our class with Michigan Robot would be HUGE! With his cloaking ability and way of adapting to the enemy, we would be unstoppable and back to our winning ways before next season even starts.

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:15 PM
(Reply to #31) #42
NomadicBlue
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Joined: 05/07/2010
MGoPoints: 3695
FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get the govenator to help!! He'll kill the poor bastard!!  ABORT!!  ABORT, I SAY!!!!!  Instead take Apollo Creed as an offering of sorts.  And don't forget to tell Creed "it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again." 

That's right!  I successfully combined three different classics into one bad-ass scenario.  That shows you the power of this thread and that evil will always triumph because good is dumb. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:38 PM
#43
MGoShtoink
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Joined: 11/05/2010
MGoPoints: 8523
Overheard after Michigan

Overheard after Michigan Robot committed:

I am so pumped to play for Michigan and can't wait to tell all of my robot friends.  I'm tweeting with my running back buddy to try and have him join me here.  He's not a very big guy, but he's incredibly strong and fast.  He has a hidden compartment for securing the ball.  No fumbles from him, ever.

Rivals quickly sprang into action trying to figure out who this mystery robot friend was.  We'll it turns out he is pretty well known and has been working out in a junkyard for quite a few years:

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:40 PM
(Reply to #26) #44
UMAmaizinBlue
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Joined: 09/23/2009
MGoPoints: 21361
Great

But this could pose a "family values" problem if this robot wants to go home over break to help his dad with the junkyard business. Then we'd have a veritable "Mr. Junk" on our hands. 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:50 PM
(Reply to #30) #45
MGoShtoink
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Joined: 11/05/2010
MGoPoints: 8523
From TomVH: I just spoke

From TomVH:

I just spoke with Michigan Robot.  Many were concerned that his friend might want to go work for his dad, however Michigan Robot assures me that this is not the case: his friend's girlfriend just committed to the Michigan Womens Basketball team, so he'll be sticking around.  She's not very tall, but more than makes up for it in her ability to fly.

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:54 PM
(Reply to #38) #46
BlockM
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Joined: 07/03/2008
MGoPoints: 28426
With a body like that, I

With a body like that, I would have expected her to be on the volleyball team. Dual-sport athlete?

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:00 PM
(Reply to #49) #47
profitgoblue
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Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Synchronized Swimming? Water Polo?

Both water polo and synchronized swimming recruiting analysts have said "she moves through the water like a torpedo."  She's going to be one of the few (only?) tri-sport athletes in the country.

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:02 PM
(Reply to #51) #48
BlockM
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Joined: 07/03/2008
MGoPoints: 28426
Spandex/Swimsuit. Doesn't

Spandex/Swimsuit. Doesn't matter to me. I mean seriously, look at those curves.

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December 17th, 2010 at 5:26 PM
(Reply to #53) #49
profitgoblue
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Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Dream "Girl"

Put Lloyd Brady's head on that robo-body and I'm getting a divorce!

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December 18th, 2010 at 10:44 PM
(Reply to #38) #50
NardDogg
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Joined: 10/04/2010
MGoPoints: 393
IF

if any of these recent commits turns out to be as great as FOX Robot, we are in for a good season.

 

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December 17th, 2010 at 4:42 PM
(Reply to #26) #51
profitgoblue
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Joined: 09/01/2009
MGoPoints: 19557
Package Deal

Both Michigan Robot and RB Robot have vowed to only commit to a school that also agrees to grant admission to their team's waterbot.  Hello: WaterBot (a/k/a R2D2)!

Gen Con Indy 2008 030.JPG
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