Punt-Counterpunt: 2022 Penn State
PSU Links: Preview, The Podcast, FFFF Offense (chart), FFFF Defense (chart)
Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.
PUNT
By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac
Microsoft Word has several features designed to undo errors and recover accidentally deleted documents. Which, great. Those are useful. But what Microsoft Word NEEDS is a “super-delete” function, where it confirms to you, “Clippy has shredded these bits and bytes down to their very component atoms, and has yeeted the resulting mash into the sun.” You know, for when your writing truly sucks and you want to be sure no one ever, ever reads them.
It probably won’t come as much of a shock to anyone who has spend more than 17 seconds on this feature, but this isn’t a highly planned, highly edited affair. Brian and Seth and Alex spend hours doing detailed study and writing technically intricate analyses. Even Opponent Watch starts with SOME basis in the real world before it skips off down the yellow brick road of obscure references and fart jokes. But Punt/Counterpunt is what is known as “vibes-based journalism.” It can’t be wrong, so I don’t try to be right. It’s just words, untethered from anything.
But I’ve taken a couple of stabs at this week’s literary abomination, and none of the couple of thousand words that hit the screen were remotely publishable. Just utter dreck. Junior high-schooler MySpace page “I like music and here is the music that I like” stuff. Rejected-by-ChatSports-for-lacking-substance trash. And I think I know why. It’s because we’re playing And Penn State.
[After THE JUMP: Penn State and Taco Bell are discussed, one is credited with flavor]
That’s how Penn State is always referenced in the context of their conference rivalry with Michigan football. You see, it’s Michigan State, Ohio State… and Penn State. Or Ohio State, Michigan State, and Penn State. And that makes sense. Michigan has played Ohio State 116 times, Michigan State 114 times, and Penn State 25 times. The two teams didn’t play each other until 1993. Michigan has played a dozen teams more often than they have played Penn State, including the University of Chicago, who stopped playing major conference football in 1939.
I have strong opinions about Ohio State. I have STRONG opinions about Michigan State. Penn State, despite being usually the second or third best team Michigan faces every year, is just sorta… there.
In my defense, this is equally true for Penn State. Their Wikipedia page references Michigan State, Minnesota, Pitt, Ohio State, Maryland, Temple, West Virginia, Syracuse, and Alabama as rivals, but not Michigan. There is a Wikipedia page for the “Michigan-Penn State Football Rivalry page.” It is blank. Wikipedia keeps a detailed log of helicopter prison escapes — 48 real, 21 fictional — but has never heard of this “Michigan/Penn State rivalry” of which you speak.
But, year-in and year-out, the two teams seem to be fighting for the same oxygen. Since 2015 (excluding the pandemic year), Michigan’s average Sagarin rating has been 10.2, and they have 1 Big Ten title, 32 conference wins, 3 New Year’s Six bowls, and 1 win over Ohio State. In that same period, Penn State’s average Sagarin rating has been 10.8, and they have 1 Big Ten title, 32 conference wins, 3 New Year’s Six bowls, and 1 win over Ohio State. Exactly one of the two teams has finished in the Top 10 in Sagarin every (non-pandemic) year since 2016. They’re the Spidermen pointing at each other.
This is probably the other reason I’m having a hard time articulating an opinion here. See, for most of the last six years, the Penn State game has served as an inflection point in Michigan’s season. Whether it was 2016’s 49-10 thrashing of eventual Big Ten Champion Penn State or 2017’s thrashing by Saquon Barkley and Trace McSorley or 2019’s near-comeback from a 21-0 deficit in the face of a White-Out crowd or 2020’s “yeah, that’s enough of that” loss to 0-5 Penn State or last year’s transition from “FIRE HARBAUGH” to “BRING ON GEORGIA” in the time it took Erick All to run 47 yards, this game tends to reveal the true nature of a given Michigan team. I suppose you would expect as much from a game that usually features approximate equals, especially when you remove the baggage of “rivalry bullshit” and the chance that either team is looking past the other. It’s a good, fair test.
And that’s why I’m afraid to say anything. Because I think Michigan is going to throttle Penn State today. Michigan’s lines are going to control both sides of the ball, 38-year-old Sean Clifford is going to spend the afternoon on his butt, and Michigan is going to win going away.
Not this year
The prospects of what that is going to do to our expectations is terrifying. Penn State isn’t the last obstacle before 11-0 Michigan faces 11-0 Ohio State, but it is the last offramp before that becomes the expectation. If 4:00 p.m. rolls around and Michigan is singing Mr. Brightside, the next six weeks are going to be a terrifying combination of anticipation and “oh god please don’t eff this up this week.” It’ll put The Game under the kind of spotlight that, 2021 aside, makes me physically ill just thinking about.
That’s a problem for this evening, though. For the moment, Michigan makes a solid step towards Lucy Holding The Football. And I’m ready to get hurt again. Michigan 32, Penn State 16.
COUNTERPUNT
By Internet Raj
@internetraj
In the summer of 1948, there was no way for former World-War-II-veteran-turned-restaurant-entrepreneur Glen Bell to know that he was about to embark on a long, winding journey to becoming the paragon of culinary excellence for Indian American immigrants. How could he? At the time, Bell was tending his hot dog stand, “Bell’s Drive-In,” in San Bernardino, California when something across the street caught his eye. There, long, stretching lines consistently formed at a Mexican restaurant named “Mitla Café” that was celebrated by locals for its hard-shelled tacos. Bell was immediately intrigued and spent several months trying to reverse-engineer the taco recipe before the owners of Mitla Café acquiesced to his repeated overtures and showed him how to make the tacos. Armed with this culinary intelligence. Bell finally opened a taco stand in 1951. Over the next few years, the stand evolved through several iterations, from “Taco-Tia” to “El Taco” to its final, timeless namesake in 1962: “Taco Bell.”
In the 1980s, the world of fast food in the US was not nearly as diverse or abundant as it is today. My parents, immigrants from India with modest means, struggled to find cheap, convenient food compatible with a palette accustomed to the trademark vibrant colors, spices, aromas and colliding flavors that make Indian cuisine so unique. The likes of McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy’s certainly did not fit the bill. But then they, like many other Indian immigrants, discovered Taco Bell. It certainly is a strange, unlikely match between demographic and cuisine, but there’s a science to the madness. First, Taco Bell is extremely vegetarian friendly, making it an ideal match for a Hindu diet: almost every item on Taco Bell can be configured to replace meat with refried beans. Second, Taco Bell is much more flavor and spice-forward than the other fast-food staples – an optimal approximation for masala heads everywhere. And lastly, the sauces. There’s a ton of delicious, spicy sauces (I’ll die on the hill that Fire sauce is the GOAT fast food condiment) and Indians love sauces, whether it’s a chutney, gravy, raita or anything in between.
There’s Gandhi and then there’s this guy.
Like anything delectably sacrosanct, Taco Bell has its fair share of haters and I’ll use this paragraph as a slight detour to address those detestable ghouls who dare besmirch The One True Bell. One common criticism levied at Taco Bell is it’s “not real Mexican food!” Yeah, no shit and Panda Express isn’t “real Chinese food” but it’s still damn delicious. Hating on Taco Bell because it’s not genuine Mexican food is a classic straw man argument – of course it’s not Mexican food and you can’t judge it as such. Taco Bell is just… Taco Bell. It’s its own genre. And it’s great. The second criticism is equally fallacious if not more ridiculous. There’s a segment of people who refuse to eat Taco Bell because it “gives them diarrhea.” What in the world kind of 4-year-old digestive system do you have for Taco Bell to give you diarrhea? This is the wateriest shit argument (pun intended) I’ve ever heard. The same people scarfing down chili cheese dogs from Sonic complaining about a bean burrito. Completely asinine (pun intended again).
I grew up eating Taco Bell. I’ve probably had everything on the menu, but a stalwart favorite of mine was always the Mexican Pizza (minus beef + beans). For those of you unfortunate enough to not know what the Mexican Pizza is, it’s a feat of gastronomic engineering. Two fried tortillas sandwiching seasoned beef and refried beans and topped with pizza sauce, a three-cheese blend and fresh diced tomatoes. A disc-shaped slice from the heavens. A crunchy delight to the senses. And if it was sold out of the back of some trendy food truck in Austin, I’m sure it would have garnered some Michelin buzz.
Me and my family fucking loved the Mexican Pizza. And then, in the darkness of night, in the midst of a global pandemic of all times, this menu staple of over 35 years was taken away from us. In September 2020, Taco Bell announced that, among other menu cuts, they were abruptly discontinuing the Mexican Pizza. The deserved backlash was immediate. Celebrities like Dolly Parton and Doja Cat openly campaigned for its return and a petition to save the Mexican Pizza quickly garnered over 100,000 signatures. It wasn’t until two years later that Taco Bell finally bent the knee and announced the item’s return in May 2022. I breathed a sigh of relief. So did my family. So did my people. The Mexican Pizza is more than a fast-food entrée to us. It’s a way of life, a shibboleth of our community. With that relief, though, comes a grim, solemn acknowledgment. An acknowledgement that the things you hold dear to your heart can be ripped away from you without a moment’s notice. The nacho cheese-flavored and trauma-tinged scar tissue in my soul is a testament to that.
Dolly Parton’s greatest cultural contribution
Michigan is riding a high right now. Undefeated, 6-0. An electric, young star quarterback that is just scratching the surface of his potential. A defense that is roaring to life. A tasty top-10 matchup with the extra garnish of celebrating an equally epic 1997 national championship team on top. I’d like to think we win handedly. That the dream run continues. But as I fondly recall the tasty explosion of fried tortilla, refried beans, and 19 packet of Fire sauce in my mouth, I remember that nothing lasts forever and nothing is guaranteed.
Penn State 24, Michigan 21
October 15th, 2022 at 7:15 AM ^
With this post, game day has officially started. Thanks gents and Go Blue!
October 15th, 2022 at 11:16 AM ^
Lloyd Carr owned Penn State. Lloyd Carr was 9-2 against PSU and beat them 4 straight times in Happy Valley. Lloyd Carr gave Jopa his worst home loss ever in 1997 and shut him out in Happy Valley in 2001. In Lloyd Carr's 9-game win streak against Jopa, PSU only exceeded 11 points in 3 games. For all Lloyd's fault, I've got no complaints here. There is probably no team he was better against w/r to expectations.
October 15th, 2022 at 11:37 AM ^
May we pause for a moment to pay homage to Internet Raj for providing perhaps the only argument ever made for Taco Bell as a cultural touch stone. Well done sir. 👏
October 15th, 2022 at 12:29 PM ^
I loved that post, and forwarded it to friends and family! A classic that will live on for future generations...
October 15th, 2022 at 4:32 PM ^
I was kinda iffy about his homage to taco bell… but he won me over at “mexican pizza”.
October 15th, 2022 at 7:25 AM ^
Damn it man, those were delicious.
(the content, if not the MP)
My taste for this match up really started to mature with 2005's Henne to Manningham.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=ofg5EiHxaX8&feature=emb_logo
Edit - Dayum boys, way to put it on 'em!
October 15th, 2022 at 8:53 AM ^
By many miles the most exciting sporting event I've ever been present for.
October 16th, 2022 at 11:10 AM ^
It was 6-3 at the half and my, at the time, teenage step daughter dragged to the game moaned this is boring. Then the second half happened…
October 15th, 2022 at 7:26 AM ^
thanks fellas. and i have to post this link, probably the all-time best in-game dance video showing dennis norfleet rocking out to sandstorm/atomic dog, high-steppin', in the all blue michigan uni's, against this same PSU team.
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IneWNeRFPg
it was a win 8 yrs ago, and let's hope we get another today. go blue!
October 15th, 2022 at 7:57 AM ^
It will be our most challenging game yet, but I think we win it by one score. And, as with last year, it will be a victory margin provided by a touchdown from another Michigan tight end: Mr. Luke Schoonmaker.
Michigan 27
Penn State 20
October 15th, 2022 at 7:50 AM ^
I take comfort in both P & CP.
Bryan's evidence-based denial of any use of evidence shines a gleaming light.
Internet Raj's perspective is as interesting and entertaining as always. And revelatory this time: I now realize I can enjoy Taco Bell without shame. However, my understanding of "shibboleth" is not as he uses it, meaning a way of life, a group's identifier, but rather as a concept that has come to seem outmoded. So I'll regard I.R.'s use of the word as a possible miscue, giving me hope that he is wrong in the larger conclusion.
October 15th, 2022 at 8:49 AM ^
“Shibboleth” generally means an obscure thing which can conclusively identify one as a member of a group - from the ancient Israelite’s story of identifying enemy spies by their inability to pronounce the word “shibboleth” correctly.
However, Raj is ignoring that if anything, this is the good vibes rebound following the return of the Mexican Pizza. Bring on Penn State!
October 15th, 2022 at 7:57 AM ^
What I love about PCP- this column, which is probably influenced heavily by the same things that came out of hallucinogenic experiences)- is how much it reminds me of myself trying to write for English 13X, when i had to write and submit a creative writing assignment each Saturday of my first fall at Umich. My deadline was midnight, and I would carefully write from the end of the Michigan game until the beginning of all the college weekend nights began. My professor would, on Monday, know if Michigan won or lost based on the tone of my paper. Bless her, she actually graded me on that curve (and would often comment about my mental state from the football game, a good writing meant we won, bad meant take it easy on me). The sort of good news is that was 2000, so i think we went 9-3 and won the big ten. But that left 2 sulking posts and a bad bowl game. So filling words with sputum on or after a game under other social duress is something I get. Keep it up.
Oh, right, football, I'm nervous. Data means nothing compared to the emotions of a Football GameDay. Go blue. Cautiously. Optimistic?
October 15th, 2022 at 8:00 AM ^
I grew up in Ann Arbor and was introduced to the taste sensation that was Taco Bell in approximately 1980. I took to it like any addiction-oblivious American teenage boy should. When my wife and I got married in 1997 our legal wedding took place over our lunch hour in front of a local magistrate. And then for lunch afterwards, you guessed it, Taco Bell! We still refer to the date of that event, 3 days earlier than our ceremonial wedding, as our Taco Bell Anniversary.
Unfortunately I've grown up and so has my digestive system. The last time I tried Taco Bell, a few years ago, it really didn't taste so good. And I think there may have been intestinal consequences.
I'm feeling confident about today's game, particularly because we're at home. Penn St. is pretty good but I don't think they're that good. We're pretty good too, we just don't know if we're really good or even better than that because we haven't played any really good teams.
Today will be a test but we're well prepared, having taken each game one at a time and slowly but surely installed our boa constrictor offense with faint (feint?) death blow capabilities. I'm all in on the blue uni's and leveling the death blow to the 'We Are' crowd (I hate that stupid cheer).
M 33, PSU 13
October 15th, 2022 at 8:05 AM ^
There’s Gandhi and then there’s this guy.
That’s gold Jerry.
October 15th, 2022 at 8:15 AM ^
I'm with Raj. Give me a Mexican Pizza and a fistful of fire sauce packets (half packet per bite) and I'm a happy guy.
Close first half before Corum runs wild in the second half for a 31-17 win.
October 15th, 2022 at 8:22 AM ^
It can’t be wrong, so I don’t try to be right.
:-) I love that.
Today is "paint the bathroom" day, and while I could have the game on the radio while I paint, I am doing my service and duty to the Michigan faithful by not being present for this game. Why? Because it's science that if I don't watch/listen/check-scores, Michigan plays better.
So I'll paint, and Go Blue!
October 15th, 2022 at 8:45 AM ^
If beating Penn State is wrong... I don't wanna be right.
I think there's a song in there somewhere.
October 15th, 2022 at 11:36 AM ^
Is painting the bathroom meant to relate to Taco Bell? Brings to mind some truck stop bathrooms I’ve seen in Ohio. Sorry.
October 15th, 2022 at 8:47 AM ^
Hoping for a steady chorus of WE OWN PENN STATE the whole second half. And the Spiderman version of Frames Janklin pointing the finger at himself in the post-game interview. Michigan 27 - PSU 10. GO BLUE!!!
October 15th, 2022 at 9:39 AM ^
Raj, man, I hope you're wrong about the game but I enjoyed your defense of Taco Bell. As a pasty white suburbanite, up until I graduated from college I used to go a half hour out of my way to eat at Taco Bell.
When I moved to Madison they had more locations, and I was limited more by the sad fact that if I was eating fast food I was going to be eating it in my car. You can safely eat Taco Bell in a car while you're driving, but it's risky and I really would rather not have to spend the rest of the day in front of a customer with refried beans down the front of my shirt.
I haven't eaten there in at least ten years, not since my small intestine started to attack itself when I ate wheat (celiac). I have to admit that the Mexican Pizza is probably the only food item there that I actually miss. I don't know what the hell it actually was, but it was good.
October 15th, 2022 at 9:41 AM ^
Note to Raj. I’ll be eating Currywurst while watching the game. Another circa 1948 child of necessity with an interesting history. Although it has curry in the name (and flavor profile) it’s as Indian as the Volkswagen.
Superb and informative writing BTW.
October 15th, 2022 at 10:56 AM ^
Fun fact tied to your hypothetical comparison – Volkswagen manufactures currywurst and serves it at their cafeteria each Tuesday. In classic VW AG fashion, there’s even a part number for their currywurst!
October 15th, 2022 at 10:10 AM ^
Teams seem pretty equal so who knows? I’m going 31-27 UM but it could easily be PSU or even a blowout 🤷🏼♂️
October 15th, 2022 at 10:24 AM ^
A few years ago, my wife’s co-worker invited us over to his house for a party. He, like us, is an engineer. So I was mildly surprised to find out he lived in a mansion with a basketball court in his backyard, and he has several horses. After the party, I asked my wife what gives. She explained that his dad owns about 100 Taco Bells in the San Fernando valley. Yes, he’s a Taco Bell millionaire. Did I mention he’s of Indian descent?
October 15th, 2022 at 10:37 AM ^
On a lonely stretch north of Hannibal, Missouri a few weeks ago, I spotted a Taco Bell and had to stop. (They're not super common in Minnesota, and that fancy https://www.today.com/food/restaurants/taco-bell-futuristic-drive-thru-rcna32393 two-story, Blade Runner location is about an hour from where I live.
Familiar with the Mexican Pizza rehabilitation story, I ordered one (along with a bunch of other menu items I'm ashamed to admit) for the first time in maybe 20 years. It was delicious. I'm already making plans for another return in another 20 years or so.
October 15th, 2022 at 10:47 AM ^
The frequency of the note a bell sounds when struck depends on its size; larger objects resonate at lower frequencies than smaller objects. Bell foundries used to have a violinist playing a pitch standing next the the bell, and the bell-maker would chip material from the bell's edge using a hammer and chisel to fine-tune it to the desired pitch.
The tone of a bell is never seemingly perfect, because there's plenty of inharmonic stuff thrown off when a gigantic piece of metal is struck with its clapper (an object named in honor of Brady Hoke), but even in ancient times they came pretty close.
Today, they use machines to remove material and an electronic tuner is used to measure the pitch, putting many an aspiring violinist out of work. So it goes.
Metal does a great job of being a bell material, because struck hard enough, the vibrations caused by the metal deforming slightly as it's struck cause large, resonant, and loud sound waves to travel through the air at substantial amplitude. You might say that bell metal is a 'bend but not break' material. It's sufficiently hard that the deformations don't destroy it, but flexible enough to create substantial waves of sound.
Unlike a metal bell, a taco's material isn't dense or hard enough to serve very well as a bell. Strike a taco with a hard object, and unless the taco is very greasy, it will make a little crackling sound and break into random shards that will hurt the roof of your mouth when inserted into it.
Tacos, then, make poor bells, and that's why the bells in Michigan's Bell Tower are not made of very large tacos. They're made of bronze.
Today we are going to watch a Michigan team made of hard but resilient bronze go up against a PSU team made of tacos, with a coach whose head kind of reminds me of a refried bean with a goatee.
The taco team cannot break the resilient bronze bell that is the Michigan team. It's simply physics.
Michigan 31, Penn State 17
October 15th, 2022 at 4:53 PM ^
Bonus Taco Bell humor! Thank you
October 15th, 2022 at 11:15 AM ^
Taco bell needs to bring back their classic 80s signage. The purple-on-white two tone just looks sun faded and cheap.
October 15th, 2022 at 11:18 AM ^
Thanks guys. - Who doesn't love Mexi-Fries?
first real toss up game of the year...
I am not sure what PSU is like as a team
If this game was on the road, I'd have leaned to PSU to win...but Homefield should be able to carry the day
October 15th, 2022 at 11:42 AM ^
They are Penn State...
October 15th, 2022 at 12:11 PM ^
You're too young to remember the green sauce you could ask for on your refried burrito instead of the red sauce they still use. Chef kiss.
October 15th, 2022 at 1:56 PM ^
Raj, you are the Garrison Keillor (minus the misconduct) of Michigan football blogs.
If you don't know what I mean, Google "Garrison Keillor Lutheran Cajun."
October 15th, 2022 at 4:02 PM ^
Ran, the only thing that sucked worse than your prediction of the game today was your take on Taco Bell, the worst of the many bad fast food restaurants.
October 16th, 2022 at 8:19 PM ^
Have you ever been to Jack in the box?
October 15th, 2022 at 8:28 PM ^
Yet again, had to come back to reread Punt-Counterpunt because one of Bryan or Raj got it Back-to-the-Future-with-an-Almanac right. This time it was Bryan. Even the points were only off by -1 per team (ours in the tens digit tho!).
Way to go, both!
(also: shared the Taco Bell homage to my football and TBell loving middle girl: she said to tell Raj: that “clapback against the haters was Gold! [, Raj, GOLD!]”)
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