[Eric Upchurch]

PUNT

By Heiko Yang

So I just started interviewing for residency. I’m applying into urology, which matches earlier than most other specialties (insert penis joke here). All my interviews have been squeezed into a tiny month-and-a-half span (insert penis joke here). A lot of them happen on weekends, so unfortunately that means I’m going to miss every Michigan game from now until Ohio State. Alas. Maybe I’ll suck it up and pay for in-flight wifi, but I’m worried about … a weak stream? Secondary to insufficient bandwidth? Yes, we will go with that for now. I need to work on my penis jokes.

Michigan is going to win tonight. I think we can all agree on that, contrived punt/counterpunt format or not. Minnesota might put up a fight, but the reality is it’s hard to get over the loss of a head coach mid-season. Yeah, interim coaches at Illinois, USC, and Maryland and have been dealing just fine if not better than their predecessors. And yeah, Tracy Claeys has been in this situation before. But the Gophers’ situation is different. This isn’t a heroic coordinator rescuing a mismanaged program. Jerry Kill was a good coach, and his loss is going to sting until they can find a new permanent guy to rally the troops.

The real battle in this game is more of Michigan’s offense vs. finding itself. At least, that’s what I’m going to be looking at when I watch the full game replay tomorrow morning. We’re eight games into the season, and there’s still not much you could say the offense is particularly good at. Most other offenses have an established thing by now, even if there are glaring flaws elsewhere. Michigan State has Connor Cook and Aaron Burbridge. Penn State has a running back. Ohio State has track stars. Even Michigan under Al Borges had an identity that could scare the bejeezus out of opponents, whether it was the long balls or the Denard scrambles. Acquiring Jim Harbaugh has taken a lot of the derp out of the play calling, but at this point Michigan really needs to find a shtick in order for the offense to help win games.

I want that shtick to be tight ends and fullbacks. The playmakers are there. Jake Butt has already declared himself a weapon in the passing game, AJ Williams has not only adopted Jeremy Gallon’s invisibility cloak but is also “running faster” these days, and I feel better about Sione Houma carrying the ball than most of the active tailbacks. It’s probably the hair, but that’s beside the point. Michigan doesn’t quite have the raw talent at the quarterback, receiver, and tailback positions to develop further, so tapping into the potential of blocky-catchy types might be the only way to make a major leap.

Besides, nothing says November in the Big Ten like 22-personnel formations on every down.

Michigan 31, Minnesota 10.

COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

This game has all the anticipation of a urology exam.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure Heiko would be the kind of urologist who tries to make that kind of thing fun. You know, tell corny penis jokes and talk about Michigan football, until his patient says, “Say, aren’t you the guy who writes for MGoBlog? You know, the one who’s always wrong?”

I love that Punt and Counterpunt are a doctor and a lawyer. It makes our rivalry a little more lively, along with that whole new school/old school thing and our divergent predictions. I don’t usually tolerate lawyer jokes, but one of my favorites involves a doctor and a lawyer on an airplane. (If the doctor were a urologist, you could insert a “snakes on a plane” joke here…)

So anyway, the doctor and lawyer find themselves seated next to each other, and it’s a little uneasy at first, especially when the doctor finds out that the lawyer tries medical malpractice cases. But after a few drinks they loosen up and appear to be getting along and finding things in common. The doctor gets up to go to the bathroom and says he’s going to get coffee from the flight attendant, and the lawyer says “bring me one too.”

When the doctor gets up, the lawyer sees he had taken off his shoes. Surreptitiously, the lawyer picks up each shoe and lets loose a big, wet loogie in each one. He sits back smiling at his own cleverness, just as the doctor returns with a couple of coffees. They each sip from their cups for a while, and then the doctor smiles and announces, “I’d like to propose a toast: to getting to know each other, to a new era of mutual respect, to the end of professional animosity ... no more spitting in shoes, no more peeing in coffee.”

Gee, that joke even has a urology aspect to it.

On to football, finally. (Can you tell that I’m not excited by this game?) Michigan is a two touchdown favorite on the road against a 4-3 team. With Coach Jerry Kill’s resignation, that could either be demoralizing for the Gophers, or incite the type of “Win One For The Gipper” mentality that perhaps helped USC upset Utah last week, on the heels of the distressing news regarding the dismissal of their alcoholic coach.

Michigan is also coming off media embarrassment, enduring endless replays of the Michigan State Miracle and memes of stunned fans, and a bye week that deprived them of the opportunity to start putting all that behind them. Our performance on the road is still a bit of a question mark. I’m not supremely confident, but I don’t think anyone on this team wants to deal with the airplane ride home after a loss, especially with Coach Harbaugh in their face spitting loogies.

So Michigan will avoid a second consecutive year of juglessness - but just barely. (Insert jug joke here…)

MICHIGAN 17, MINNESOTA 16