OT MGoQuestion: What's your go-to joke?
Here’s mine:
A Frenchman, an American, a nun, and a Swedish girl are all sitting in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel and everything goes pitch black. While in the tunnel, everyone hears a loud slapping noise. When they exit the tunnel, the Frenchman has a large red mark on his cheek.
The nun thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably groped the Swedish girl, so the Swedish girl slapped him.”
The Swedish girl thinks to herself, “The Frenchman probably meant to grope me, but accidentally groped the nun, and the nun slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks to himself, “The American probably groped the Swedish girl, and the Swedish girl slapped me by accident.”
The American is hoping the train will go through another tunnel so he can slap the Frenchman again.
A Buckeye, a Spartan, and a Wolverine are all standing at their respective urinals; the Buckeye finishes first and proudly states, "At Ohio State, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness," and makes a big show of thoroughly washing his hands.
The Spartan finishes next and says, "At Michigan State, they teach us the importance of conservation," using as little water as possible and only one paper towel to dry his hands.
The Wolverine flushes his urinal and breezes out the door, saying, "At Michigan, they taught us to not piss on our hands."
I've heard this one as a Marines joke (Army and Navy being the others).
One of the posts in the Requested Stories thread made me remember this joke. A TA is proctoring a final exam in a lecture hall and reminds the students that the professor has a hard and fast rule about all exams being finished on time; any exam not turned in by the end of the exam period would be given a grade of zero. As time is winding down, the TA reminds the students of this rule. The TA gives a two minute warning, and there are still a half dozen or so students, furiously trying to finish the exam. Finally, he announces "times up," and everyone except one kid turns in their exams. The TA gives a final warning, but the kid just keeps right on working. The TA says, "that's it. I'm sorry, but you have just earned a zero on the exam." The kid keeps working and a few seconds later, stands up, walks to the front of the room, exam in hand, looks at the stack of exams on the desk, and says to the TA: "Do you know who I am?!" The TA, with a look of disdain, says "No." The student says "good," shoves his exam in the middle of the stack, and walks out the door.
So three men are totally lost in a deep dark jungle. Suddenly they are set upon by a group of natives. They are taken captive, tied up, and brought to their village where the men kneel before the largest tent. The natives go silent and the chief emerges:
"We are the....UNGA BUNGA. You have trespassed on sacred lands and defiled them. Our gods demand PUNISHMENT. YOU must choose: either you shall receive death, or you shall receive...UNGA BUNGA!
[cheers from the other villagers: UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!]
The first man is like "well I don't want to die; I'll take Unga Bunga." The crowd cheers and they take him away and in a minute the other two men can hear screaming and wails from their compatriot. Finally the screaming stops, and they see their friend, looking like he's been through hell, limping away into the forest. The villagers and their chief return and they look at the remaining two men.
"Choose!"
"Well," the second guy says, "I don't want to die either. I'll take the Unga Bunga."
Cheers! UNGA BUNGA! UNGA BUNGA UNGA BUNGA!!!
This time the screams are even worse, peals of horror shaking the forest. As the villagers watching him are distracted the third man shuffles over and peers around the tents to see what is happening, and there the second man is getting raped by the villagers in every orifice. Finally it ends and the second man is released and the chief returns to the third man.
"Choose!"
And the third guy is like "There's no way I can live with myself after that. I choose death."
The chief and villagers are astonished. They look at each other perplexed, and then the chief waves his arms. "Death? Nobody choose death before. Are you sure?"
"Absolutely," the guy says, steeling himself.
"Fine: Death...by UNGA BUNGA!"