Absurdist "reasons for the season"

We're all tired of hearing how this season is going so badly because:

• Rich Rod is an awful coach
• Feagin isn't starting
• Antonio Bass isn't actually injured and Rich Rod is really just refusing to play him
• Minor isn't getting the ball enough
• They're not playing Sheridan enough
• Max Martin hasn't had any carries this year (seriously heard this one today)

...and so forth, mostly because these are some seriously ridiculous ideas.

Before the game today, I found myself shouting things like "MAN THIS OFFENSE WOULD BE WORKING GREAT IF MISTER SIMPSON DIDN'T TRANSFER TO CINCINATI" and "IF THEY STARTED THE CONER, WE'D BE LOOKING PRETTY RIGHT NOW" and "WHY DIDN'T WE TAKE BRADY HOKE" (though I think a few too many people thought I was serious on the last one).

I'd like to hear some of your own absurdist theories on what would have taken this team to the next level this year.