Who says there won’t be an opponent watch this week? There’s opponents, and there’s watches, and there’s opponents to watch. Or wear watches, I’m not sure how this works. Some of you may remember me from The Awful Game of the Week I used to do. I stopped doing it because Michigan was in a depressing number of those games. But regardless, I’ll pick up the torch that BiSB carelessly dropped before it burns down a national forest. So without further ado,

About Last Week:

Did y’all have a good time not thinking about Michigan football? Did you spend that time hacking out a tree stump, or was that just me? Ok then, moving on...

The Road Ahead

Northwestern (3-3, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: def. Rutgers 21-7

Recap: Right, the actual game this week. Can we say that beating Rutgers 21-7 is a sign of improvement for the Wildcats? I don't know how they could have looked worse, as long as they didn't put their helmets on backward or something. Northwestern out-gained and out-possessed the Knights, led by Ryan Hilinski, who put up 18/33 for 267 yards and 2 TDs. That’s… not bad?

This team is as frightening as: Willy Wonka. Wears purple, seems harmless, slight chance the organization is run by a psychopath.

Fear level = 3

Michigan should worry about: Northwestern held Rutgers to 63 yards rushing, at 1.9 PA.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There’s a reason we create the concept of a Rushing Rutger.

When they play Michigan: Michigan scores more points than Rutgers.

Next game: Michigan (duh)

Michigan State (7-0, 4-0 B1G)

Last week: def. Indiana 20-15

Recap: Sparty tried to Sparty it up against IU, trailing 9-7 at half before getting two TDs and a FG in the second half to hold on. Jack Tuttle (who should really transfer to Maryland) had a QB Rating of 31, on 52 attempts in the loss. Throwing that much looks like it might not be a good idea. But it was better than Payton Thorne, who managed a QBR of 26.5 on 26 attempts.

This team is as frightening as: Honestly, I have no idea. They’re 7-0, and 4-0 in conference.

That’s good.

The conference wins are against Northwestern, Indiana, Rutgers and Nebraska.

That’s bad.

They beat Miami on the road.

That’s good.

They gave up 31 points to Western Kentucky at home.

That’s bad.

Fine, I think they’re not as good as their record, and say a Green Tree Python. Looks scary, could possibly choke you to death, but probably won’t.

Fear level = 9

Michigan should worry about: It’s State, so all the usual eye-poking, knee-twisting, late-hitting crap is on the table. Plus a bye-week, so they can get extra knee-twisting practice.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: I think a percentage of MSU’s wins are in the “Didn’t Lose” category, moreso than the “Outperformed the Other Team” category.

When they play Michigan: watch your knees and heads (and eyes and ears and dangly bits), guys.

Next game: Michigan

Indiana (2-4, 0-3 B1G)

Last Week: lost to MSU, 20-7

Recap: As discussed above, Indiana gave up a pick-six, got behind in the second half, and tried to ride their backup QB to victory. It did not work. Indiana can still claim the Strength of Schedule national championship, due to losses to #2 Iowa, #7 Penn State, #3 Cincinnati (!), and #10 Spartans. So, moral victories all around!

This team is as frightening as: Your wedding rehearsal.  It’s still kind of fun, just as long as you don’t look ahead to tomorrow when it’s all for real. Fear level = 4

Michigan should worry about: Everything else coming on up on the schedule.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: 2021 is looking more like 2019 than 2020, at least from a football standpoint. See also, Northwestern.

When they play Michigan: We don’t get to make Penix jokes. Ok, not as many. Hopefully not too much dumb stuff happens.

Next Game: OSU

Penn State (5-1, 2-1 B1G)

Last Week: lost to #3 Iowa 23-20

Recap: Iowa took advantage of four picks to come back from a 20-10 deficit. Penn State out-punted Iowa, with 5 punts averaging 50.4 yards, and only 2 returns for a total of 2 yards. Kirk Ferentz considers that a loss.

This team is as frightening as: I don’t know. Are they good, or not? We’ll go with Chucky. If you see a doll with a knife, you probably want to give it some room. Make sure it's really not evil, but prepare to run away quickly.

Fear Level = 8

Michigan should worry about: Linebacker U seems as good on defense as ever

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Frames Janklin

When they play Michigan: Another game of Immovable Object meets Immovable Object. Eventually one of the rocks will crack.

Next Game: Illinois

Maryland (4-2, 1-2 B1G)

Last Week: lost to OSU by many, many points

Recap: The Win Probability chart barely ever went below a 90% win for OSU, even when Maryland had an early lead. Speaking of Rushing Rutgers, Maryland had one, rushing for 56 yards on 36 attempts. Taulia Tagovailoa had a pretty good game, throwing for 279 yards and 2 TDs and 2 INTs.

This team is as frightening as: We’ll keep with tradition and say West African Mud Turtle. Might give you a bite, but only if you stick your hand in its tank. Would probably pull its head into its shell instead.

Fear Level = 4

Michigan should worry about: getting through this unbitten, I mean uninjured.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: a guy named Taulia Tagovailoa playing in Maryland in November may shatter from the cold.

When they play Michigan: we may be running full-speed toward a football held by Lucy Van Pelt (no relation to Scott Van Pelt).

Next Game: @ Minnesota

Ohio State (5-1 3-0 B1G)

Last Week: beat Maryland by 60 jillion

Recap: The Buckeyes did pretty much what they wanted, passing for 11.4 yards per attempt, and gaining almost 600 yards of offense. TreVeyon Henderson and Master Teague rushed for 6.4 and 7.8 yards per attempt.

This team is as frightening as: The thing about the Star Wars universe that annoyed me was the superweapons get more and more powerful. First you have one Death Star, then planets-sized Death Star, then the fleet of Star Destroyers with superlasers. Ohio State is whatever is above that.

Fear Level = 11

Michigan should worry about: besides their general Ohio State-ness, since losing to Oregon in week 2, they’ve outscored their opponents 218 to 57.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: a loss should guarantee we don’t get Alabama in a bowl game?

When they play Michigan: we all have nightmares about crossing routes

Next Game: Indiana

Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Western Michigan (5-2, 2-1 MAC)

Last week: beat Kent State 64-31

Recap: Now there’s some MAC-tion! WMU had almost 650 yards of total offense, mostly from Kaleb Eleby, who threw 3 TDs and ran for one. One more win and the Broncos are bowl-eligible! Or at least bowl-eligible-eligible, which means they would be eligible to be picked for a bowl.

Washington (2-4, 1-2 PAC12)

Last week: lost to UCLA 24-17

Recap: Zach Charbonnet rushed for 131 yards for the Bruins (Hi, Zach!). They seem to be not very good.

Northern Illinois (5-2, 3-0 MAC)

Last week: beat Bowling Green 34-26

Recap: Rocky Lombardi was 4/8 for 38 yards. But NIU was basically unstoppable on the ground, running for 319 yards. I’m really hoping that in some universe NIU plays Adrian College, just for Rocky Lombardi’s sake.

Rutgers (3-4, 0-4 B1G)

Last week: lost to Northwestern 21-7

Recap: covered above, this game caused Michigan fans to fear that 1. Rutgers may not be very good after all (see 2020 Minnesota) and 2. Northwestern may have a pulse. Stupid Cable Subscribers.

Wisconsin (3-3, 1-2 B1G)

Last week: beat Army 20-14

Recap: In episode 1,092 of Don’t Schedule Service Academies, Wisconsin was only up 13-7 in the 4th quarter before recovering a fumble and sealing the game. Chez Mellusi had 66 yards on 16 carries, and I’d like to point out that his name should be pronounced Cheese.

Nebraska (3-5, 1-4 B1G)

Last week: lost to Minnesota 30-23

Recap: I believe that Scott Frost is more like Brady Hoke than Jim Harbaugh, minus the “Brady Hoke poops horseshoes” thing. Eventually we’ll see the difference between unlucky and not good. But regardless, the Huskers lost another close one, this time to the Gophers. Good news: the Huskers haven’t lost by more than 8 points all season. Bad news: losing by one point is still a loss.