Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac

According to Wikipedia, “the University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign (also known as U of I, Illinois, or colloquially as the University of Illinois or UIUC) is a public research university in Illinois and the flagship institution of the University of Illinois system. Founded in 1867 as a land-grant institution, its campus is located in the twin cities of Champaign and Urbana.”

Of more immediate relevance, and to my genuine surprise, Wikipedia states that “Illinois is a member of the Big Ten Conference.”

Intellectually, I know this has to be correct. Wikipedia is, after all, the sum total of all human knowledge, so to dispute it would be like disputing gravity or evolution or that Moana is the best Disney soundtrack. But still, this seems dubious. After all, Wikipedia also says that Michigan is a member of the Big Ten conference. And Michigan has played Illinois exactly once since 2012.

We’ve missed you. Let’s hug. [Fuller]

[After THE JUMP: a chart, and comic sans.]

Think about it: can you think of a single memorable football game against Illinois since the beginning of the Hoke era? By my count, Michigan has played 70 football games since the beginning of 2011 that could be plausibly described as “memorable,” and none of them have involved Illinois. The only other Big Ten team not on that list is Maryland, but that’s Maryland. Maryland joined the conference five years ago. Michigan has played Maryland seven times in the history of ever. Michigan has played Illinois 95 times, fourth most of any opponent, behind only OSU, MSU, and Minnesota (note: Michigan does not list “Hope” or “Optimism” as a formal opponents).

Michigan has missed Illinois. In the last 50 matchups (dating back to Bump’s first season), Michigan is 42-6-2.

So, what have we missed? Weeeeeeeeell…

Since 2015, Illinois has won six conference games. No other team in the West has won fewer than 11. Every other Big Ten team has had at least one 3+ win conference season in that span, but not Illinois. In Lovie Smith’s 3+ years, Illinois has won four conference games. No Big Ten team that has won fewer than 15 conference games in that period hasn’t fired a head coach.

What I’m saying is that we should be playing Illinois more. A lot more. Like, at least once per year. From a football standpoint, playing Illinois is like playing Rutgers in every way except for the public scorn. Rutgers still looks like a laughable choice the Big Ten made—because it is—rather than a nod to history and tradition. No one bats an eye when Michigan beats Minnesota, even though Michigan is 42-4 against the Gophers since 1968. Notre Dame is 76-13 against Navy all-time, but they still get full credit. Heck, Oklahoma/Oklahoma State gets a fancy rivalry nickname, even though the Sooners hold an 88-18 edge.

Throttling Illinois is like gorging on a Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, it’s unseemly and a bit uncouth, but it’s tradition. Going back for that third piece of pie gets you a side-eye from loved ones, but it is a lighthearted glance that says, “ah, yes, look what this holiday has foisted upon our digestive systems once again.” Meanwhile, beating Rutgers is like deciding to celebrate some ancient Olmec moon festival because it happens to coincide with Olive Garden’s Neverending Pasta Bowl. People will point and mumble.

Alas, Illinois leaves the schedule until 2022, and then again until 2025. So for now, pass the stuffing, and give thanks for this bounty which we have been given. Michigan 41, Illinois 7

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COUNTERPUNT

By Internet Raj
@internetraj

Webster’s Dictionary defines “hopeless” as “having no expectation of good or success”, “not susceptible to remedy or cure”, and “incapable of redemption or improvement”. But, 135 miles south of Chicago, you will find a different, but equally descriptive and definitely more orange definition of the term.

For this essay, I researched “Illinois football” and it is one of the saddest topics I have ever read about. Usually my uncle, Internet Raj, writes this essay. But about 10 minutes ago he grumbled something about “not having time for this shit, I mean it’s god damn Illinois I have better things to do,” and then he said he would give me $5 if I did it for him. Hey, I’m only 11 years old but I will give it my best shot. Also he let me use his laptop which was pretty cool. I had to close the 29 open Chrome tabs of Michael Barbaro google image searches, though.

Last trimester in Social Studies, we studied the ravages of World War II, the horrors of Pol Pot’s despotic regime, and the Black Plague. Pretty dark stuff but I have to say, I think Illinois football is up there, too. They are really depressing. You see, Illinois football is not just hopeless. “Hopeless” implies a temporary state in which there currently is no hope but there theoretically could be hope at some point in the future. The Fighting Illini are more like a complete vacuum of hope, occupying a unique spot in the space-time continuum in which there is no hope, there has never been hope, and there never will be hope. I cried twice just writing this essay. They’ve been bad for so long and I don’t think there is any reason to be optimistic about their future. Their coach looks like a very sad Santa Clause. But at least Santa Clause delivers presents. Lovie Smith has never delivered. And he doesn’t seem to be a good fit at Illinois anyways. He should go to MSU where he can be reunited with his Elf, Tom Izzo.

There are murderous regimes and then there is the Illinois coaching history

This Saturday, Illinois plays Michigan. I’m not sure why they are even playing to be honest. They are definitely going to lose. If it was me, I wouldn’t show up. I’d rather chill at home and play video games or watch The Bucket List again with my Uncle Raj.

What I am trying to say is that things are not going to go very well for Illinois today when the play Michigan. They have this not-great quarterback Brandon Peters who won’t even play because he’s hurt. His replacement is a redshirt freshman named Matt Robinson. Robinson is a two-star recruit and his Youtube highlights are really bad. I’m pretty sure my friend Danny is a better quarterback than him. Danny’s 12 years old because he was left behind one year. His voice is deeper than everyone else’s in our grade and he can throw the ball across the whole blacktop part of the playground. Yeah, he’s definitely better than Matt Robinson. I was going to say that Matt Robinson has a wet noodle for an arm but my uncle said I had to delete that because he was afraid Barilla would sue me for defamation for daring to make such a comparison.

Michigan 66, Illinois 3. If Danny can make it to Champagne in time then Illinois 6.