OT: Help me survive a bear attack
So thirty minutes ago I'm tending to my tomato plants when, from the treeline perhaps 15 yards away, out comes a black bear. I just wrote and then deleted the words "medium sized black bear," reasoning that:
1.) Not being a zookeeper or park ranger, I have no idea in what percentile, sizewise, this particular bear belongs, and
2.) Does it really matter? It's not as though there is a bear size threshold below which you say to yourself: "You know what? I was going to escape, but instead I think I'll go over and kick some ursine ass."
In any case, it was a black bear, and it was too close for comfort, so I backed away. It stood up on its hind legs, looked at me inquisitively, and retreated into the woods.
Did I respond wisely? What would you do in this situation? What would Barwis do?
Of course some might say that there are plentiful resources on the web on this subject, and I would be better served by a Google search. But like a politician I see no reason to seek expertise from strangers when unqualified but like-minded advisers are so close at hand.
you wouldn't have been as scared if it was a polar bear. Racist.
As to your questions, Barwis would have new boots.
Barwis would have new feet for the squat racks, use the sinew and bone to conjure a new interior dline.
Fuck bears. Bears are douchebags.
What did we ever do to you? Jerk
Do you have any weapons in your household?
I have a BB gun, a frisbee, and some regulation weight bocce balls.
Also, I have no BBs.
You need a frikin' twelve gauge!
They are infinitely sore losers. "You moved your feet after the catch, GROWLLLL!" It's called MOMENTUM, bears, look it up. "No substitutions during play, GROWLLL!" You fucking just mauled two of my forwards to death; I think we're due an "injury timeout". Honestly, bears can be total dicks.
Don't even get me started on Italian bears and bocce. They will rag on you until the end of time for not calling your shots. "You didn't a calla dee Raffa, thatta was a pitch, anda you didn't a calla dee Raffa; our a pointa, GROWLLL!"
nice
What would Barwis do?
tear its f--kin' throat out with his teeth.
would look that bear in the eye and tell it to get in line so he can whip its sorry ass into shape and make it into something that disgusts him less.
And that bear would cry.
As a polar bear, I can tell you that we bears get a bad rap. We are a friendly bunch, very cuddly, and we usually are just interested in getting into your honey pots or sharing Coca-Colas with penguins. When the brown bear stood on its hind legs, he was simply asking for a hug. When none was given, he turned, rejected, to go pout in the woods where the other bears probably pick on him for being small for his age. You absolutely did the wrong thing, but no one is judging you. You're new to the ways of bears, and I know you'll do better next time.
The bear you saw might have been Katow-jo, my cousin. Say hi for me
a teachable moment. However I am disturbed by what you say w/r/t your cousin Katow-jo being a brown bear. I frown on woodland critter miscegenation.
Hey, you know what they say, "Once you go black, you never go back." My uncle Rick had the North woods fever
Make lots of noise to let him know you are there, but don't make eye contact.
from what I remember of "When Animals Attack!IV"
can smell the menstruation!!!!
You woke the bears, why would you do that?
I am riding a furry tractor.
Milk was a bad choice.
was a saint!!!!!
We've been here literally the entire time you have
I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
Edit: Damnit, someone beat me to it.
I love that I joined as Wes Mantooth yesterday and today there's a whole chain with Anchorman quotes. I have 6 points and 5 are from quoting that movie. Mgoblog is awesome.
What the hell is Anchorman? We're talkin' about bears, dammit!
Sorry. Can we be friends again?
http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_130/1173932603xZ7Qhz.jpg
Of course, since you like bears and Anchorman, I like you
let's leave the mothers out of this.
When in Rome...
encounter. What general area do you live in?
Yeah, it was genuinely scary. So TIMMMAY I do appreciate the real advice.
no prob
a large and/or perhaps fragrant garden? OR does your garbage, well, smell?
You might want to figure out if this is a totally random event, or is the bear there because you inadvertently invited him... I know my dad puts empty silver pie tins in his garden, with the intent that the reflection of the sun startles the bears and keeps them away.
OR you could spend about $300 on one a' these bad boys:
http://www.fntpost.com/Products/Bear+Traps/Duke+16+Bear+Trap
as scary as the bear. As to the garden, yeah, it's a pretty big one, but nothing compared a few others in the area. I do know that a family down the road had their bird feeders eaten by a bear a few months ago, and I've seen them from a distance a few times in the past. In all likelihood the bear has better places to loiter than my place, so I'm not too worried.
to the Big Ten Media days where he would then announce our home and home with Cal.
he raped it, however.
Seriously, I wouldn't worry. Black bears aren't dangerous like brown bears. They mostly eat fruits and root plants, and while they could kill you, they DEFINITELY don't want to. Just make it obvious you're not scared of it, and it'll either ignore you or run away from you.
Which type of bear is best?
Clearly you need to form an angry mob and demand the formation of a Bear Patrol
for the simpsons reference
Just for kicks, I sought Google advice on the wisdom of running from a bear. Turns out they're capable of about 30 MPH over short distances.
Which means, per Wolfram Alpha:
Input interpretation:
(40 yards)/(30 mph (miles per hour))
Result:
7.576x10^-4 hours
Unit conversions:
2.727 seconds
that a bear's 40 time is almost in Denard territory.
Yeah, but how does that translate in pads at game speed?
That's no even close to Denard speed. Let me show you with math.
v=d/t
t=d/v
d=40 yd
v=c-1 m/s=299792458 m/s-1m/s=327857018.2 yd/s
t=d/v=(40 yd)/(327857018.2 yd/s)=122 ns
2.727 s=2727000000 ns
(2727000000 ns)/(122 ns)=22352459
So, bears are only 1/22352459 as fast as Denard Robinson in the 40.
Note: Assumed that Denard Robinson runs at the speed of light minus 1 m/s. Obviously it would be ridiculous to think that anyone can run at the speed of light itself. But, since it's generally agreed by the MGoBlog community (and thus must be true scientific fact) that dilithium is as fast as c-1 and since Denard is made of dilithium, v=c-1.
Well, I just can't wait any longer for football season. Then we stop talking about bear attacks and start talk about something much more manly and interesting- boys ages 18 through 22 grappling each other in front of an audience.
Nothing more manly than that.
...
...
Elton John.
you should have taken the blueberries out of your pocket..
I thought you were speaking of this type of bear attack: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_(gay_culture) Didn't have an answer for you though.
especially when you throw garbage at it