Seinfeld Meets the B1G

Submitted by saveferris on

25 years ago a trifling sitcom starring a popular Tonight Show comedian debuted on NBC.  The self-styled “Show About Nothing”, started out as an afterthought amongst mega-hits like “Cheers”, “The Cosby Show” and “Rosanne”, but “Seinfeld” would go on to be the preeminent TV show of the 90’s.  It seems impossible that it’s been a quarter of a century since we were first introduced to Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George, considering the show seems ubiquitous in syndication, and for me, it never gets old.  So, as we approach the end of OT season and in celebration of the quasquicentennial of the debut of Seinfeld, I give you the Big Ten as characters from....

 

 

Michigan – Jerry Seinfeld

Much like Michigan, Jerry is the cool, rational voice of the Seinfeld world, observing the chaos around him with aloof bemusement.  Dubbed “Even Steven” by Kramer, Jerry navigates the perils of his world deftly, resulting in everything working out for the best, which we can only attribute to being The Michigan Difference.  Those who dislike Jerry, regard him as somewhat arrogant and undeserving of his station in life.  None of this bothers Jerry, who when Elaine angrily predicts that something bad has to eventually happen to him, replies self-assuredly, “No, I’m going to be just fine”.

Ohio State – Newman

Just as Ohio is the sworn enemy of Michigan, Newman is the sworn enemy of Jerry; who characterizes him as, “the Lex Luthor to my Superman”.  Evil, unscrupulous, slovenly, and amoral; Newman embodies everything we love to believe and hate about Ohio State.  Where OSU football players proudly proclaim they aren’t there to play school, Newman unrepentantly refuses to play postal worker, claiming less than 50% accuracy in his deliveries and not working when it rains.  Come to think of it, isn’t Postal Worker one of the Top 5 careers for an OSU graduate {rimshot}?   We can’t state definitively that Newman poops in beer coolers, because some things you just can’t show on television, but somewhere, deep in the hindbrain, you believe it don’t you?

Penn State – George Constanza

Neurotic, cheap, and beset with anger issues, George is the embodiment of the Penn State mentality.  Ever since they joined the conference and realized that they weren’t and would never be the Jerry of the Big 10 they’ve quietly seethed in rage.  Of all the schools in the Big 10, Penn State is the one that would travel halfway across the country to try and deliver a lame zinger long after the opportunity to effectively do so has passed (“The Jerk Store called, they’re running out of you!”).  Penn State is the ego-centric character of the Big 10, lamenting at how the world conspires against it achieving the success that they feel they rightfully deserve.  Of course, maybe hiring James Franklin is the equivalent of them doing the opposite…..

Nebraska – Elaine Benes

Defiant, stubborn, and not much of a dancer, Nebraska, especially under the leadership of Bo Pelini, fits Elaine to a T.  Whether they’re featuring Grandpa’s sports jacket or the Urban Sombrero in the J Peterman catalog, Nebraska doesn’t have to answer to you, because Mr. Peterman left us in charge!   While Nebraska is renowned as being the nicest of fans, you still get the impression that they would rip your toupe’ off your head and throw it out the window because you were stickin’ it to them.  And who else would whine about having to replace Joe Mayo’s fur coat although they are the one responsible for stealing it in the first place?  Yeah, Nebraska.  I guess as a conference we should be flattered, though, that Nebraska ultimately considered us “spongeworthy”.

Wisconsin – Cosmo Kramer

Why Kramer for Wisconsin; primarily for their penchant for success despite themselves.  If any one school could be accurately described as having a fantasy existence because they, “do nothing, fall ass-backward into money, and have sex without dating”, it would be Wisconsin.  Whether it’s winning the B1G Conference Championship and making the Rose Bowl because OSU was under probation or Ben Brust heaving in a half-court prayer at the buzzer to beat you, Wisconsin is Kramer.  Wisconsin might not scream “hipster doofus”, but that Jump Around thing they do at football games comes as close to a Kramer pratfall as anything I’ve seen.

Michigan State – Kenny Bania

Does anything parody the Michigan / Michigan State relationship better than the Jerry / Bania dynamic?  Where Bania seems to perceive that he and Jerry are peers and friends, Jerry regards Bania with a thinly-veiled disdain, dismissing him as nothing better than as a second-rate hack.  Ever clueless about his true place in Jerry’s world, Bania exerts an inordinate amount of effort soliciting Jerry to work with or spend time with him.  Nevertheless, despite Bania’s shortcomings, fate sometimes delivers him a gem (“That’s gold Jerry, gold!”) that lands him in the Rose Bowl. 

Maryland – Frank and Estelle Constanza

“You think you can keep us out of the Big 10?  We’re moving in lock, stock, and barrel!  We’re gonna be in the pool.  We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court!  And I dare you to keep us out!”  Can’t wait to see the Maryland faithful strolling around Ann Arbor in their cabana clothes….what do you mean George sold them?!

Northwestern – Helen and Morty Seinfeld

Much like Helen and Morty adore Jerry regardless how many times his shenanigans get them into trouble, this is how I imagine Northwestern feels about Michigan.  We got you impeached because we bought you a Cadillac and prejudiced the deciding vote because we stole her marble rye?  No problem, because how could anyone not like Jerry?  This probably doesn’t come anywhere close to how Northwestern fans actually regard us, but it just seems like it should.

Purdue – J. Peterman

Why Jacopo Peterman for Purdue?  Because that giant drum could only be inspired from some heroin-induced hallucination suffered in some remote jungle of Myanmar (“but it will always be Burma to me.”). 

 

 

 

 

Rutgers – Jackie Chiles

Can we characterize Rutgers as a smooth-talking, ethically questionable attorney who rarely gets results?  Works for me; must be the Jersey angle that does it.  Jesus, I can’t believe these guys are in our conference.

 

 

Minnesota – Mickey Abbott

Back in the day, Mickey was a legend; he was the stand-in for Punky Brewster.  Back in the day, Minnesota was a player in the college football world, but that ain’t the case now.  And while Mickey and Kramer’s relationship doesn’t have the same enmity that Minnesota has with Wisconsin, they do fight a lot over women, which disease they’re going to play to med students, or whether it was a good idea for Mickey to put lifts in his shoes.

Iowa – David Puddy

Iowa is the dim-witted, grease monkey, face-painting, germophobe of the Big Ten?  “Yeah, that’s right”.  When all the schools get together, Iowa is the one walking around to the others saying, “Hey, High Five!”  I’m not certain that Iowa would share Puddy’s appetite for loud and unusual jackets, but they definitely only like hanging out with Elaine because of the sex.

Indiana – Susan Ross

If there was a Big 10 school that would suffer an untimely death from toxic envelope glue, it would be Indiana.  Lost a high-paying television executive job because you were caught in a relationship with George Constanza?  Indiana.  Turned to lesbianism only to later be talked into an engagement with George Constanza?  Soooo Indiana.

 

 

Illinois – Uncle Leo

Illinois is the addle-brained uncle of the Big 10.  I come to that conclusion for two reasons.  First, Tim Beckman, and second, because the greatest slight we can give to Illinois is to not stop and say “Hello”, when we run into them on the street.  Of course, the reason we don’t want to stop is because we don’t want to be regaled with one of their meandering, banal stories or because we caught them shoplifting books.  Nevertheless, Illinois is insulted, soooo insulted, because we couldn’t take the time to stop and say, “Hellllooo!”

Comments

saveferris

August 7th, 2014 at 9:04 PM ^

You're right, there aren't that many recurring characters on the show. When I started this I sat down and listed all the characters who were in multiple episodes throughout the series and really only wound up with like 19 or 20. When I combined the Constanzas and the Seinfelds into a single character that whittled down to 18. I think the others that I didn't use were Mr. Pitt, Mr. Littman, Tim Whatley, and Crazy Joe Davola.

yossarians tree

August 11th, 2014 at 10:37 AM ^

Great! I can never get enough Seinfeld re-runs.

Just because he needs to be in here, I'll add "George Steinbrenner " (aka Larry David) as Notre Dame. Deranged megalomanic who does not recognize reality and cannot stop talking about his past glories. He also expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter. "Where's my calzone, Castanza?! I can smell it!"

trueblueintexas

August 7th, 2014 at 4:43 PM ^

I would have switched Uncle Leo and Putty becuase I see Illinois much more as the shallow thinking sex loving auto mechanic who somehow becomes a car salesman type and Iowa as the older just wanting to be noticed type, but other than that, spot on. 

ST3

August 7th, 2014 at 6:09 PM ^

I'd go with Mike Moffitt for Penn State because they are a big phony. Whether it was talking up Paterno's legacy, or beating up cream puffs year after year until joining the Big Ten, they just seem like phonies to me. And they deserve to get their thumbs broken for recent transgressions.

I'd go with Costanza for Northwestern, because he's wearing those glasses and trying to be the intellectual of the group, but really, he secretly yearns to be accepted by the more athletic types - Keith Hernandez, Jimmy, Elaine's boyfriend Tony (step off George, step off.)

Pit2047

August 7th, 2014 at 10:29 PM ^

Rutgers and Jackie Chiles is outrageous, egregious, preposterous!! I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied!! To compare one of the best caricatures of all time to Rutgers is deplorable, unfathomable, improbable!! For shame sir!!

Real Tackles Wear 77

August 8th, 2014 at 11:18 AM ^

Truly one of the best things ever written on this site. I know it gets kind of hard to fill in the equivalents for some of the newer/less relevant schools in the conference, but you really nailed it for the big guys. Good work!

Kermits Blue Key

August 8th, 2014 at 12:06 PM ^

Jack Klompus would have been a good Purdue. Definitely not an outright rivalry, but situational flareups happen occasionally. They sometimes get the best of us (Jack made Jerry pay him a lot to rebuy the Cadillac / raincoat debacle / astronaut pen), but ultimately their victories are short-lived and not very meaningful in the big picture. Also, it was Tiller who made the famous Snake Oil accustions about Michigan, similar to Klompus accusing Jerry of being in cahoots with his dad for embezzling from the condo fund.

Wolverine57

August 11th, 2014 at 4:26 PM ^

Loved the entire Seinfeld/BIG comparision, great job!

 

Actually, Jack Klompus would make an excellent BIG Commish Jim Delaney.

 

Urban's alter ego = The Soup Nazi?