[Coach Schiano: Bumped this from a board reply (of mine) to a diary. Why? Well, why not? Of course, negative votes may be why not :)]

Hey TP,

Lebron here. Got some advice for you, maybe it'll help you get things together. Of course, I wouldn't really know, because man, I have never played as shitty as you did these past few games. That last drive against USC? Wow, which way did you think your team was going? :) I won't even mention Purdue. Purdue, hmm, sounds
like something you step in. And you sure stepped in it.

So here's my advice. Despite what everybody else does ...

• Don't murder people
• Don't steal from me, or from yourself
• Don't kill people

Especially number 2. Steal from me and I will f*** you up.

Who stole from me, Dwade?" "That guy, TP." "That guy? I'm gonna f*** him up."

Definitely: don't have regret about not going to Michigan, where a coach could
have utilized your skills about 1000x better than your current one. Regrets are for losers. Or, deep thinkers. Either way, your should clearly stay away from them.

Regret Poster: Awesome

Don't throw the ball again, ever. Ever! Just run the damn thing. On a passing play,
frustrate your coaches by simply calling an audible to a QB keeper. They'll only complain if you don't score a lot of touchdowns, like you did in high school. Note: you must learn how to audible. Second note: you must learn how to run in college. Third note: when you get in trouble, just dribble out of it. It works for me.

LB: Actually, this time I dribbled into trouble... Green, lovely, trouble.

Speaking of which, don't think about high school. Remember last year, when you said it was all like high school? That was because there was a lot of talent around you. Now, it's on your shoulders. And, unlike high school, you kind of stink at QB. So try to forget all that, and stop sucking.

TP in High School: The Helmet Hides The Ears

Also, don't talk back to Tressel. In fact, don't talk to Tressel. He is OLD, and wears some kind of sweater without arms. Does he have unusually warm arms? I hope so, because he needs to give you a hug. But don't talk to him; he'll probably mumble about
the "I-formation" or some such stone-age bullshit, and where will that get you? After all, there is no "I" in "TEAM". However, there is a "TROLL" in "TeRreLLe pryOr", for what that's worth.

TP And The Gargoyle: Old Pals.

Also, be careful talking near Tressel. For example, here is an innocent conversation you might be having:

• "Does anyone have a knife to spread this butter on my toast?" Or...
• "What is the point spread on that game?" Or maybe...
• "Now that I suck, chicks sure won't spread their legs for me anymore."

Why not say these things near Tressel? Because he'll think he's going deaf, or losing his ability to understand english. Why is that? Because he can't understand any sentences containing the word "spread". And we don't want Coach to think he's going nuts. Well...


Coach: Already Nuts

Also, one final tip: don't worry about the ears. You'll grow out of it, probably. Unfortunately, though, your head isn't getting bigger these days (that only happens when you get too successful). Thus, losing just accentuates your ears even further.

Love,
'Bron

p.s. please give me back the keys to my Bentley. Bentleys are for closers.