Please tell me everything that you think that I should know

…about offense?

About all the plans you made

Like game plans?

When I was nowhere to be found

Ah yes, during the planning process

It’s my fault that it fell apart

That’s the popular opinion

Just maybe you need this

Yeah, I think so…

And I didn’t mean to lead you on

You didn’t. It’s your father, Kirk “can’t be bothered” Ferentz, who was convinced that you’d make a good QB coach and OC en route to ‘inheriting’ the team like it was his family’s personal possession…

You were everything I wanted

Yeah, I know. You can accuse “Offensive” “Coordinator” “Brian” Ferentz, now Just Brian Thanks, of many things, but “lacking love for Iowa” isn’t one of those things.

But I just can’t finish what I started

That’s what happens after two seasons like this

There’s no room left here on my back, it was damaged long ago

Ferentz The Younger really DID carry OL and TE development for like a decade

Though you swear that you are true…

…I still coach tight ends over you.

***

Brian Ferentz was 19 when that song was released. You know he loved him some New Found Glory.

Citrus Bowl Update

One-Sentence* Summary:

“We’re not going to go into all the stats…because they’re all bad!” – an actual quote from the announcers, referring to Iowa’s offense.

“There’s the winning points.”- an actual quote from me when the Fightin’ Mott-the-Heupels scored their first TD.

…are we surprised? This game is what happens when one team spends their prep time putting together a functional offense and the other does not. We should have all known that this game was over when Iowa had a 1st-and-goal from the 4 and Deacon “DryLand is a Myth” Hill threw an INT two plays later. Hill finished the game with a gentleman’s 56 yards (how often are we treated to 2.4 yards per pass from a starting QB?), 0 TDs, 1 fumble, 2 INTs, and a partridge in a pear tree. Iowa WRs dropped approximately eleventy billion passes. Tory Taylor had an average of 51 yards per punt, with a long of 62.

In other words, Frank Sinatra? Standard Iowa fare. Mott-the-Heupels over the Fightin’ Ferentzes, 35-0. I wonder if Just Brian Thanks was left on the tarmac after the game.

Stop, Stop! He’s Already Dead

I’m about to blow your mind. Ready? Iowa’s offense scored more this year than last year.

I’m f’ing serious, check the stats for yourself: last year, the Iowa offense scored 174 points. This year, they had scored 196 points on offense coming into this game, and have now scored, umm, 196.

Now this isn’t exactly like finding out that Darth Vader is Luke’s father; nothing is THAT much of a shock. It’s more like…hmm. It’s like finding out that all 3 of Tom Cruise’s ex-wives were 33 years old when they got divorced from him. You take the journey from “that doesn’t sound right” (because let’s be honest, Katie Holmes will be 25-year-old Joey Potter forever) all the way to “I wonder how many bar bets I could win with this fact…” You can probably win some bar bets with Iowa scoring statistics.

Anyway, Iowa came into this game needing to score 109 points to make the 325-point mark as mandated by the Brian Ferentz Clause. They…uhh...did not, and remain 109 points short. That’s only 55 safeties short of the goal!

Punting is Winning

If nothing else, this game gave us more Tory Time. And this game indeed gave us nothing else.

Tory Taylor is the winningest winner who ever won: of the Top 20 Punting Yardage Seasons in CFB, he has 3 of them, including the #1 spot (with a bullet, ~400 yards more than 2nd place) this year. He is a Top 5 punter of all time (nobody is catching Adam Korsak from Rutgers anytime soon).

They may call it the Ray Guy Award nationally, but in Iowa it should be the Charlie Sheen Award

Yes I made this joke after the B1G Championship. No I don’t mind reusing it.

RB Receptions are Moneyball, Dammit

A very fitting final game: 1 RB reception for 0 yards. Iowa ends the season with…not a lot of Moneyball. A couple months ago I said something like, “Iowa’s season-long RB receiving stats would just sorta be a particularly good day for Donovan Edwards or Roman Hemby or Jaylin Lucas.”

Well, the season is over, and now I need to know if any RB has ever had exceeded Iowa’s 2023 season-long RB receiving stats in a SINGLE GAME.

The answer is yes. Turns out you don’t have to go too far: last season, Evan Hull of Northwestern had 213 yards and a TD on 14 receptions vs Duke on September 10, 2022. Evan Hull had 1.37 Iowas in that single game.

This is not terribly common. Kenny Gainwell of Memphis had 208 receiving yards in a single game in 2019…and then I don’t see anyone else (could be wrong here – damn you NCAA statistics…) with that much until back in the 2012 season, when FIVE different running backs had games exceeding 147 yards receiving, topped by Miami-OH RB Dawan Scott and his 208-yard receiving game against Akron.

So it doesn’t happen a lot…but it happens.

Btw, the Least Moneyball Trophy was officially won by NEBRASKA, courtesy of 93 (!!!) total RB receiving yards, or 0.6 Iowas, 0.27 Roman Hembies, and 0.37 Donovan Edwardses (with 1 game to go GO BLUE!!!).

One-Phase Football

No update today, so here’s where Iowa was before the game…

…do we imagine that any of those number improved?

I imagine that Bill Connelly is going to do his next SP+ update after the season is over, but dude I wish we had an update today.

Reminder: in the history of college football, an SP+ Gap of 125 spots would be 4th all time.

Hey, It Could Be Worse

Hey, it could be worse! You could be Ian Grushka, bassist for New Found Glory. You’re minding your own business, basking in the sunlight of decades of pop-punk nostalgia and Core Memory stardom for many young millennials’ musical journeys…and some asshole on the internet (raises hand) goes out of his way to screenshot JUST the right moment of a silly music video you made when you were 25 to include in a blog post about poorly-played football games, 21 years later.