comedy should be in quotation marks
help i've been transported back in time to Jim Tressel's hiring help
Brian Meets Al Borges
(A satirical comedy by: maizenblue92)
(Brian upon having a scheduled meeting with Michigan OC Al Borges wanders down the halls of Schembechler Hall until he sees the name placard with the information he is looking for. Brian enters a room with only three lights overhead creating a well-lit center of the room and shadowed corners. There is only a white board on otherwise plain walls. Al Borges sits alone on one of two bean bag chairs in the room, sipping on a Zima, and facing the doorway. Two large guards stand in each corner behind the bean bag chair designated for Brain.)
Guard One: Borges, your guest has arrived.
(Borges speaks in an agitated, yet methodical and confident tone. Kind of like the villain in any given movie)
Borges: Ah, yes the man who keeps sending people to ask me about bubble screens at pressers.
(looking around at the office, taken aghast)
Brian: Wow! This was not what I was expecting.
Borges: Welcome Brian, I have been expecting you. Please have a seat.
(gesturing toward the bean bag chair)
Brian: Yeah, you should have been expecting me; I set up a meeting with you like two weeks ago. Do I have to sit on one of those to? Do you have anything else to sit on?
Borges: No, now please take a seat so we can talk.
(the two guards each put a hand on Brian’s shoulders forcing him into the bean bag chair)
Are you thirsty Brian? Would like a Zima to quench your thirst?
(Borges gestures a bottle toward him)
Brian: No thanks. Wait, did you say Zima?! No one has had one of those since, like, 1995. And no one with taste buds has ever had one. And do we really have to have these two guards here? They don’t really seem necessary.
Borges: The Zima is non-negotiable and yes, the guards are necessary. In case you haven’t heard, I am not a very popular man at the moment in Ann Arbor and I think it best I don’t take chances right now.
(muffled so Borges doesn’t hear, but so he kind of does)
Brian: Sounds like your offensive game plan.
Borges: What was that?
Borges: So, Brian, what would like to talk about?
Brian: Let’s start with the obvious. Why don’t you like bubble screens?
Borges: Ah geez, not this shit again. We just don’t run that play.
Brian: But why? It gets the extra man out of the box. It is easy yards most of the time. And they keep hits off of your QB. And don’t try to give me some sorry excuse that they don’t belong in a pro-style offense. Every goddamn NFL has them!
(Borges says this with a completely straight face and takes a sip of Zima)
Borges: You want to know the real reason? Every time a bubble screen is run Santa gets a titty-twister. And I will not aid in Santa’s torture.
(Brian facial expression is one of disbelief and shock)
Brian: What are you talking about! You can’t possibly be serious! You are fucking with me right? This is a joke, right?
Borges: ‘Fraid not. That is what I believe. That and running into 9-man boxes.
Brian: But…that doesn’t make…any sense.
Borges: Still probably the best reason you have heard for an OC not running bubble screens in today’s college football.
Brian: Actually…yeah…it is. Probably because there is not a logical reason not to.
Borges: Can we move on?
Brian: Fine. What is up with the 2-man routes with max protect and play action?
Borges: Well you see, with the respect our run game deserves opponents have no choice but to bite on play action. They never see it coming.
(Brian is becoming very irritated)
Brian: Are you serious? Not one thing you just said is true.
Borges: How so?
Brian: One, our run game is terrible. Old nuns with osteoporosis could stop. Two, no one has bitten on it yet because, three, all of your plays are tipped. Quite badly tipped. There are 6-year-olds calling out the play before it happens. That is not a joke, that is actually happening.
Borges: That is why I put in that veer thing that no one ever sees co-
Brian: I am going to cut you off right there. When you run veer, it is so obvious that teams are blitzing two guys into the exact hole. Another thing, why do you keep running such deep routes when we can’t block anybody? Devin Gardner is getting killed out there!
Borges: We just need to go out and execute better. We have a solid game plan. Just need to execute.
Brian: Oh no. You are not getting away with that Hoke press conference, cookie-cutter crap answer. You did not and have addressed a single point I have made.
Borges: What about the Santa answer?
Brian: Forget about fucking Santa!
Borges: Looks like someone is not getting presents this year.
(Brian fights with all of his might to restrain himself from doing something stupid)
Brian: I mean an answer that makes sense!
Borges: You haven’t had any of your Zima.
Brian: Because I don’t want a goddamn Zima! I want real answers!
(Both individuals are becoming more adversarial)
Borges: Fine, if you are so critical of my offensive game plan. Nay, genius! What do suggest I do?
Brian: Well, you have an O-line that can’t protect very long, a mostly accurate QB, and pretty good weapons on the outside. So, a quick, no huddle passing spread. It hides your flaws and accentuates your strengths.
Borges: Why the fuck would I run a communist system like that?
Brian: Because when you fall behind and go to it to get back in the game the offense has been pretty successful with it. You had your deepest drive of the game against MSU with it. It worked on Nebraska and you used some of those elements well against Notre Dame.
Borges: Eh, no.
Brian: What? Why?
Borges: Because it is important to establish a downhill run game and establish the line of scrimmage. Because that is how we play at Michigan!
(Borges is becoming defiant in his defense of MANBALL!!!)
Brian: But you don’t have the people to do that! You can’t block! You are running the ball with 7 blockers and 9 defenders.
Borges: Eventually…we will run through it. And break a long one. Then play action will work.
(an angry tone shifts to one that is almost pleading by the end of the statement)
Brian: Ahhh! Listen here you little fat man! It is getting to a point where I have to root for Michigan, my alma mater, to fall behind in games. Why? Because when they do fall behind you have no choice but to abandon your futile run game. And call nothing but passes. Not just passes, but short passes on every down and it works. And why can’t we do that every drive? Pass on almost every down.
Borges: Because then we would be predictable.
Brian: GGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I’ll kill you!
(Brian loses control and lunges at Borges. This knocks over his untouched Zima, spilling it all over the floor. No sooner than Brian gets out of his chair do the guards in the office grab him and throw him back onto his beanbag chair. They continue to hold him there for a few moments until he has calmed down.)
(Brian now sits there bleary-eyed and disoriented from rage.)
Borges: Alright, let’s wrap this up, there is a Golden Girls marathon on in 15. Anything else you want to talk about?
(Brian’s voice and facial expressions are completely devoid of any emotion)
Brian: No. No. ‘Cause if I keep talking…to you…I will probably try and finish the job.
Borges: Alright I gotta go prepare for…uh…ah shit who is it again? Eaaa-? Weee-? Nooorr-?
(Brian answers in a whisper as he slowly stands and heads for the door; not sure this is even still reality)
Borges: That’s who it is, thank you. Well, see you around Brian. Good talk. Oh, actually, one more thing Brian.
(asking out of morbid curiousity)
Borges: Would like a Zima for the road?
Brian: (muffled grumble sounds)
(Brian also lets out an anger twitch at the request. Followed by him slowly turning and heading down the hall)
Borges: Nice guy.
(from down the hall)
Brian: Your beer is shit!
*Some of the formating got messed up copying this over so bear with me if there was some difficulty reading it properly.
comedy should be in quotation marks
At least that's what someone in high school told me.
Creedence Tapes, you're awesome. People like you (and the associated comedy) are why I spend at least a few minutes a day on MGoBlog.
Seriously, numbnuts, I don't think more than a handful of people here really believe Brian has more football knowledge than Al. They're just wondering about the inanity of some (not all) of the play calls.
I'm pretty sure I remember reading both Magnus and SC having the fundamental same opinion on Borges as Brian, just that the reasons for why he's terrible are somewhat different. Someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Not really - those two assign far more blame to the OL (and by extension Funk) for our problems than Borges. They've criticized some playcalls but have argued that Borges's hands are mostly tied by our personnel.
I was fully expecting them to let Brian in for a sack on Borges.
Well, if Brian had run a stunt or blitzed he would've gotten home. Brian is a b rusher and was coached to sit in soft coverage.
This gets me to thinking, maybe this is why the dbs play off on 4 and 2. The offense doesn't exploit soft coverage in practice.
I found this hilarious!!! thank you for taking the time to write this.
I actually don't think Borges is a bad guy in real life; I think he's a nice guy but I want him fired because he's a terrible coordinator. But the caricature of him as an evil villain is so fitting considering how frustrated all of us are with him right now. Wonderful writing. I really enjoyed this!
Good work that was funny. And it was pretty light on the borge hate. Just a funny thought. I might wanna try a zima now.
Is SC one of the guards?
(JK - SC presents good analysis)
It would totally not shock me if Borges drank Zima still.
1) "No thanks. Wait, did you say Zima?! No one has had one of those since, like, 1995. And no one with taste buds has ever had TWO."
2) Borges' guards fail to block Brian, using some football terms that I don't understand.
I now realize what opportunity I may have missed with the guards. Crapdamnit!
Beginning was good. Swing and miss in the middle when you suddenly shift tones. The very end was amusing.
How I really envision it....
Brian: "Nice to meet you Al. I'm Brian, Brian Cook."
Brian "Brian Cook...you know...of MgoBlog. That's my Blog."
Borges: "Ehhhhhh ok. Not sure I've read it but nice to meet you."
Brian: "I'm Heiko's boss."
Borges: "Ok now I know who you are - the bubble screen guy. Have a nice day!"