Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie
@Bry_Mac

On behalf of the entire Michigan football fanbase, I would like to offer my sincere thanks to John O’Neill and his entire crew. You have done us a great service, and we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Not all heroes wear glasses (Fuller)

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking. You’re thinking HIT THIS AUTHOR IN THE HEAD WITH SOUVENIR TOWELS. I know this because a shower of souvenir towels just started raining down on me from all sides. My doors and windows are closed, so I don’t exactly know where they are coming from, but I admire your accuracy.

I am serious, though. O’Neill and his bumbling, hopeless, hapless assortment of Penalty Plinko aficionados may have helped to save Michigan’s season.

[After THE JUMP: Wherever he's going with this.]

Things were obviously going fine on Saturday. Michigan was up 17-0 midway through the third quarter, and Notre Dame was going to need a month of drives to score 17 points. They had 52 yards of offense on the day. They hadn’t picked up a first down on any of their previous six drives, and as Brad Hawkins swallowed an underthrown Ian Book chuck, it had just become seven.

Pictured: Cole Kmet being mauled by Khaleke Hudson. [Fuller]

The trajectory was clear; the game was going to grind itself to a satisfying conclusion. Michigan was going to win 20-0 or 27-7 or something like that. It would be like the fourth quarter of the Michigan State game last year, where Michigan would be content to watch the sand pass through the hourglass with the knowledge that the opponent just had no prayer of scoring. Notre Dame might pick up a garbage time score, but it was over. A satisfying, much needed rivalry win.

Then… the flag.

Michigan Stadium transitioned from relief and joy to fury and murder-fury. Towels flew. Jim Harbaugh was apoplectic. Don Brown considered crimes. The fans weren’t singing CCR anymore; they were baying for blood.

Say “flag” again. I dare you. I double-dare you.

Funny thing about that, though. Both the now vaguely-plausible scoreboard margin and the rising gorge of injustice ignited something. Michigan abandoned their plans for a quiet smothering, and opted instead for the Thunderdome.

Hassan Haskins stiff-armed a man into the core of the Earth. Stephen Spanellis took a defender for a nice leisurely stroll, and then drove him into the core of the Earth. Jim Harbaugh accepted a penalty to force Notre Dame into a 3rd-and-28 rather than a 4th-and-12, with a 24-point lead, because why not. Shea Patterson was the lead blocker on a split zone run (which isn’t usually how that works) and threw a shoulder into a defender 25 yards downfield. They had Dylan McCaffrey throwing RPOs with a 31-point lead. Michigan threw a double-move to Nico Collins for a touchdown, and Michigan fans responded by throwing towels ***at Nico Collins*** because THE TOWEL THROWING WILL CONTINUE UNTIL MORALE IMPROVES.

Michigan had already fixed a lot of the football stuff in the five-ish quarters preceding that event. The running game improved, the defense looked varied and multiple and excellent, and the entire team looked more comfortable and confident. But in that moment, the uniting power of John O’Neill allowed Michigan to find an emotional note to match the tactical improvement. Instead of succumbing to panic and a feeling of “here we go again,” Michigan responded with the furious indignance that marked the Revenge Tour. Michigan needed a little Chase Winovich and Devin Bush back in their step, and that bless-your-hearts officiating crew brought it to them.

This was the last piece of fixing what Ohio State broke; to not just be Michigan again, but to be James Earl Jones’ This Is Michigan.

Cam McGrone hasn’t displayed Devin Bush’s ENTIRE repertoire yet

Now, the caveat: I doubt we’ll see much of it this week. It is hard to find a reason to be righteously indignant about a team you’ve beaten by an average of 32.5 points over the last four years. Today is a day for honing and fine-tuning and preparing. Two weeks from now, though, when Michigan looks to drive a final stake into the Dantonio Era, remember where some of that controlled rage came from. And when you do, tip your cap towards the nearest huddle of confused zebras trying to figure out the down and distance, and offer them a towel of thanks.

Michigan 30, Maryland 10

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COUNTERPUNT

By Internet Raj
@internetraj

Prior to the Penn State game a couple of weeks ago, I penned a gloomy, dismal and downright depressing column that Embraced the Suck of Michigan football. My predictably irrational optimism entering the 2019 season had been battered by a barrage of on-field failure and frustration, and beset by a slow, but undeniable, realization that this season would mark yet another page in the disappointing tome of the Jim Harbaugh Era. But come on, this was Year 5! We weren’t supposed to be escaping in overtime against Army or getting embarrassed by Wisconsin. We were supposed to be on a quest for our fifth consecutive national championship; Shea Patterson was supposed to be our fifth consecutive Heisman trophy winner; Nick Saban, forced into submission after multiple playoff losses to Jim Harbaugh, was supposed to be our tenth assistant coach by now.

Well it turns out that (notwithstanding the fact that we actually lost) the second half of the Penn State game coupled with last week’s absolute drubbing of Notre Dame have rekindled my exuberant optimism. And that is my favorite part of being a college football fan—on a moment’s notice, you can eschew facts, reason, and truth in favor of whatever delusional blinders you choose to wear on that particular day.

My personal choice of self-deception? Well, I spent a solid 30 minutes at work trying to break FiveThirtyEight’s College Football Playoff odds generator and managed to enter a preposterous permutation of wins and losses that gave Michigan a 26% chance of cracking the top-4 by season’s end. Sure, my particular set of assumptions are so unlikely that they have less than a 0.25% chance of occurring… but it’s not like Nate Silver has never been on the wrong end of an exceedingly remote model outcome, right?

Coincidentally, also the chances of Josh Gattis deciding that he shouldn’t run up the score against Mike Locksley.

Am I being completely foolish and irrational? Yes. Am I a certifiable idiot? Definitely. Am I a college football fan? Yup.

So are you with me? Are you dreaming up ridiculous scenarios where Michigan comes out on top of a wild three-way tie with Penn State and Ohio State to win the Big Ten East? Are you fantasizing about avenging the loss to Wisconsin in Indy? Are you still nursing hopes for a New Year’s vacation to New Orleans to watch the Wolverines win the natty? I certainly won’t stop you. And I would strongly urge you not to let today’s game against Maryland stop you either.

Make no mistake about it: the seductive mirage of unfettered optimism will go undisturbed for yet another week as Michigan cruises to an easy victory over the Terrapins. After Maryland began the season with back-to-back blowout wins, their fans had to be thinking they had hired a hometown superhero that would return them to glory. After losing five of their past six games, though, it turns out first-year head coach Mike Locksley is more of a Kirkland Signature Avenger.

My superpower is throwing passive aggressive barbs against the offensive coordinator who spurned me for a better job.

I’m not going to get into the X’s and O’s because (i) I never do, and (ii) they certainly won’t matter today. Maryland will be trotting out some Fred Jackson spawn, or failing that, a short guy named Tyler DeSue, an injured version of Tyrrell Pigrome, or gods willing, a guy named Max Bortenschlager, who all sound more like diabolical bad guys from a Spy Kids direct-to-DVD sequel than actual quarterbacks. Expect a lot of big plays by both the Michigan offense and defense en route to a blowout victory. Just be careful that you don’t shout “inject this in my veins” after every explosive highlight because if you do that three times, you’ll summon the MSU strength and conditioning coach.

Michigan 41, Maryland 3