Bye-Week Blues, B1G Coaches in The Big Lebowski

Sorry, pics got messed up in Diaries.  

 

 

Tom Allen as Brandt.  Knows his place as lap-dog to the inner circle of characters. Shit-eating grin. So obsequious and smarmy we’re often left asking ourselves; can this guy put his pants on without help?  Still, he’s so talented at playing his character that we don’t want to see him leave the set.   

 

 

 

 

Kirk Ferentz starring as Jacki Treehorn. Has built an empire out of pornographic football. Invites you over, and his team pretends to be as innocuous as a second White Russian, only to Ruffie you and go ransack your house.

 

 

 

Matt Rhule starring as Da Fino.  Jolly and amicable late-comer to the story.  Likes how The Dude is working all the angles. Just trying to get stray young people to come back to the farm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Purdue coach starring as Sherry from Logjammin.  There are some beautiful possibilities clearly visible.  But “just came by for a shower” is the status in the present story.  We’re happy with what we’ve seen so far, and will get back to it later.  

 

 

 

 

 

Bret Beliema starring as Walter Sobchek.  Both men of carriage. Overthinking, overbloated windbags that you kind of respect. Sometimes the world of pain is real, sometimes it’s bluster.  Just substitute “referees” for “Vietnam” and follow the script.  I did not watch my buddies die face down in the mud so that referees could…….Have you heard of referees, Larry?  Bret, I don’t see what this has to with Referees, man!

 

 

 

 

 

Greg Schiano starring as Taxi Driver.  Loves two things; The Eagles and Run Defense. Will happily let you beat him in the other 3 dimensions, but if you try and win by running it, you’re going to have one belligerent SOB dumping your ass by the side of the road. 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike Locksley starring as Maude Lebowski.  Great pedigree, but went his own way and surrounds himself with other soft-nosed artsy types. People have said his Defense is vaginal. Vagina. Seems to always give up his virginity near the end of the story, I guess because he wants a child, not a B1G Championship. 

 

 

 

 

Pat Fitzgerald starring as Arthur Digby Sellers.  Branded was a good, wholesome show in its day.  But that’s long gone; career over and cursed to an iron lung to live out his days while his child, Northwestern football, degenerates in his living room front of his breathing corpse.   

 

 

Luke Fickell starring as whatever role Adam Sandler was playing at the time, because there is no getting past that.

 

 

 

 

PJ Fleck starring as Knox Harrington, the video artist. The friend with a cleft asshole.  No one is quite sure what he’s doing here.  He’s clearly a limited character who will never be anything but what you see at first blush.  Still, easy on the eyes, and there are at least a few entertaining layers to this onion, there’s just nothing under that except more onion. 

 

 

 

 

Mel Tucker starring as Uli Kunkel/Karl Hungus.  Will do anything to get $95 million, even cut off his girlfriend’s toe. Wanted to be a musician or football coach, but couldn’t even make it in porn.  Only a nihilist could give away $95 million for unilateral phone sex, and he is a nihilist if ever there was one. As we speak, bathing his marmot, plotting his next scam.

  

 

 

 

James Franklin starring as Frames Janklin starring as Jesus.  Self-promotion goes a long way, but not all the way. Blusters but doesn’t really want to fight. Even blusters after losing. To the heroes of the story it appears that he’s cracking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryan Day starring as The Big Lebowski.  Achieved nothing on his own, but must constantly tell the world everything he overcame, achieving more than most men who were handed a top-5 program. Vanity is his weakness: hence the dyed slut-beard. In the end, it turns out he actually can’t walk.  Strong men also cry. Strong men also cry.

 

 

 

Jim Harbaugh as the Dude.  Unchangeable no matter what forces try to bend him, and there have been many.  Remains true to his immutable spirit no matter how unconventional he appears.  Speaks the truth, though it makes others uncomfortable. Drinks milk from the carton in the store. Women seem to want to have his children. Would drive a jalopy without a windshield, should circumstances arise.