Big Ten Weekly Narrative: Part 7

The Peasant Handbook

 

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 8, 2019

Yonder in the deep black of ocean depth reside cretins and fiends of unknowable constitution. These sea beasts wriggle and writhe their way through an unforgiving plane devoid of light and sustenance. They adapt using a phenomenon known as ‘diel vertical migration’, in which large segments of the population synchronize upward movement to waters more likely to sustain life. In a frenetic Week 8 of the 2019 College Football season, we saw a similar migration as contending teams continued their upward trek. But some saw their dreams fade into the abyss, and others just barely kept buoyancy; who’s nearing a breakthrough, and who’s left to feed on the bottom?

 

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Illinois - 24

#6 Wisconsin - 23

Cahokia was, by moderne estimates, had the record for the largest city in North American until Philadelhpia emerged in the 1780’s. Located in Southern Illinois near the Mississippi river, Cahokia was the center for an unusually advanced pre-Columbian America culture and the capital of the Illiniwek Confederation. The high point of the city, literally and figuratively, was Monks Mound. An enormous earthen construction roughly the size of the Pyramid of Giza, Monks Mound was a geographical strong point from which the ruler of Cahokia was thought to reside and lord over the city. Archaeological evidence suggests that the mound was difficult to maintain; a process called ‘slumping’ continually threatened to sink the mound into little more than a pile of mud. By the time the Illini people had abandoned Cahokia, Monks Mound seemed damaged beyond repair.

 

The Illinois football team suffers much the same dilemma as Monks Mound. Despite efforts to construct a Illinitian (Yea so what?) icon that rivals the midwestern Ziggurats like those found Annac Arboric and Madisonia, natural forces continually erode their design and bury their dreams. With their culture in decline since being raided by more advanced peoples - those damn Buckeytes and Nittanions - since 1993 Illinois has had but six winning seasons, with the rest emphatic failures. After the enigmatic and sporadically not terrible Ron Zook and Beckman eras, Illinois was searching for a foundational coach that may slow their ‘slumping’ and provide some sort of bedrock with which to rebuild their way of life. Who better than the man that took Chicago to the Super Bowl?

 

But the construction of a bowl is markedly different than that of a mound, as coach Lovie Smith and the Illini have come to learn. Four miserables years have yielded but eleven wins, with the most damning indictment of all coming in the form of a 2017 loss to Rutgers. It was a dark day for the Illini people, and there has been little to celebrate since. 

 

And so Lovie Smith was hardly loved, despite bringing some excitement and talent into the program. While he has injected a feisty, gamey offensive system - Illinois has ranked near the top of the Big Ten in rushing a few times - Lovie’s defensive units have been abhorrent; his defensive coordinator recently quit for ‘health related reasons’, which is a colloquialism for “I’m tired of this shit we lost to Rutgers”. And so leading into a game against the impervious Wisconsin Badgers, with the nations most improved quarterback, a brutish offensive line, and a Heisman caliber running back, we wondered how quickly Monks Mound would become an Illini burial mound.

 

But the Mound must have been spiritual motivation for the Illini defense when they denied the Badgers touchdowns twice within the ten yard line. These were crucial stops that could have broken the dam, as Wisconsin had cruised to a 20-7 lead by the third quarter and all appeared well for the Badgers en route to a comfortable win. There were glimmers of hope earlier for the Illini, but they were snuffed out; when an Illinois touchdown bomb that would have given them a 14-13 halftime lead was called back in a dingbat penalty, it seemed too much to overcome. 

 

The Illini fumbled early in the second half, and Taylor punched it in. Wisconsin mounted another long drive but missed a field goal; when Illinois answered with a touchdown, our curiosity was piqued, but when Wisconsin marched right down the field and set up a first and goal from the three it appeared to be a stern conclusion to the upset bid. But the previously wretched Illinois defense held Wisconsin to a field goal. Soon after the Badgers again seemed poised to turn the game into a blowout, but Taylor fumbled; using a suddenly resurgent run game and two of QB Brandon Peters mere 9 completions, the Illini logged a beautiful four play touchdown drive capped by a WR Josh Imatorbeuhge contested catch at the goal line. With only a few minutes left it was 23-21.

 

Wisconsin QB Jack Coan has been one of the country’s biggest revelations this season for his absurdly efficient and intelligent play; it’s brutally unfair that on his first mistake all year he threw an interception at midfield that set up the Illini for the winning drive. With some inspired runs and another clutch completion, Illinois bled out the clock and made it down to the 22 to set up a 39 yard field goal attempt. The air was shimmering and the stadium a’pulse with injurious decades on the brink of mitigation. Enormous Badger paws shot up along the line and another burrowed around the edge for the near block; but to no avail, as the kick was perfect, and Illinois had pulled off their biggest win in Champaign since at least 1983.

 

To attempt to quantify the emotional reaction, this is the second biggest upset in Big Ten history by point spread, and that feels about right. It is monumental in every sense; wholly unexpected, absurdly bizarre and unconscionably executed. Wisconsin had 4-6 opportunities to made the decisive play that would have pushed this into blowout territory, and with it, broken the Illini morale that would permit the score to inflate to comical levels. But Illinois simply would not yield, and their defensive stands and turnovers forced kept them alive. Despite only converting on two(!!) third downs for the entire game, and only holding the ball for 20 minutes, the offense did just enough, with Brandon Peters making all nine of his completions absolutely crucial and the run game exacting yardage at the most important times, including the crucial final drive.

 This is, without a doubt, an earth - er, mound - shattering win for the Illinois program. Lovie Smith was likely to be fired without this victory, which would have meant another rebuild, another few years rented out to the fickle lessee of ‘prospects of improvement’ and the loss of the most reputed coach of recent memory for the Illini. Instead, this whole Lovie Smith thing is almost starting to make sense, and while it’s only a single victory, that it’s impact can create an emotional context which outweighs reasonable assessment should tell you everything you need to know. Smith is bringing in some talented players, coaches his team to have spirit, and if he figures out how to have his defense play like they did Saturday with any consistency, will set up to be a regular bowl team. Now, this is the team that lost to Eastern Michigan earlier in the year, and they’ll probably get blown out in their next big game. But the incalculable good that has been done for this program will resonate even into the off season. Sure, it’s one win for a three win team. They say not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but Lovie Smith just made a shrine from a mound.

 

Uh, yea, so… Wisconsin. The scary part is that the game in its entirety wasn’t ‘flukey’, per se. Two devastating fourth quarter turnovers should have been irrelevant for a top 10 team playing a perennial bottom dweller. But on a play by play basis, Wisconsin performed under their standard. Coach Paul Chyrst made some disappointing decisions that reversed this years trends of eschewing his previously over-conservative approach. He decided to kick a field goal from the one yard line with a Heisman caliber running back and arguably the league's best offensive line. He had Jack Coan throw the ball 34 times - including the last fateful interception - on the worst run defense in the Midwest. Wisconsin still hasn’t trailed for a single second this season, as the kick went in after time had expired. And somehow they have a loss. 

 

The Badgers logged over 400 yards but some 120 ended on turnovers or missed field goals and another 180 netted just 9 points; so by some metrics, they only had some 120 productive yards of offense. In this Peasants eyes, this loss directly correlates with Chrysts’ reversion back his tentative ways. It plays into an outdated style of football in which ball control - 40 minutes for Bucky - is made worthless by just a few crucial errors and chances to display the talent gap are minimized by shortened games and conservative decisions. When injected by his gutsy, aggressive code, Wisconsin is brutal, and lacking that, it only takes a few mistakes to let a far inferior team slip into a game they have no business winning. This is a dastardly loss that changes everything for Wisconsin; all of a sudden, the Ohio State game seems like a certain loss, and games against Minnesota and Iowa threaten. I think they’ll be fine and right the ship, but their championship dreams seem extinguished. Monks Mound proved a mountain that Bucky just couldn’t climb.

 

 

#16 Michigan - 21

#7 Penn State - 28

The Dardanelles campaign of World War 1 was a damned venture. The British and their colonial assets sought to land just south of the Bosphorus Strait near Istanbul and apply pressure to the southern flank of the Central Powers. They amassed a huge fleet, a large body of soldiers, and had high hopes for a successful campaign. 

 

They sorely underestimated the hostility of the environs, however, and the entrenched positions of the defenders. Despite bringing more firepower than their foe, the Allies were beaten back in a disheartening defeat. A terrible start to the campaign melted into a stalemate, and the inability to seize any early success put them too far behind schedule. Their ships were sunk, meager gains overrun, and they left Gallipoli with none of their lofty goals achieved.  

 

And despite this, the ANZAC forces - the Austrailain and New Zealand Army Corps - emerged from the defeat with a resilient sense of identity. ANZAC day is a national holiday in the Down Under, in that their bravery in the face of mounting odds gave the colonies a belief that they belonged on the global stage. On April 25th of each year, ANZAC day remembers what was lost, and the courage that was shown in the hell they were thrust in. It’s a testament to the human spirit, if not our sense of realism, that a defeat can be anything but suffering.

 

On Saturday night, in the colossal White Out in Happy Valley, Michigan’s campaign began with disaster. It had the familiar stench of a blowout, a fragile team lacking character, a peripheral force falling to a great power. Penn State seized the electricity and powered to what felt a monumental lead. Michigan could barely establish themselves on the beachhead; before the first snap of the game, they used a timeout, as if they needed time to fathom the enormity of the operation ahead. The signs of a rattled team were obvious enough: Drops, penalties, convservative calls, indecisiveness. As if a conduit that fed into Penn State’s power meter, each mistake was brutally exploited by the Nittany Lions. Two punts and a turnover on downs led to a beautiful touchdown fade from PSU QB Sean Clifford to TE Pat Friermuth, followed quickly by a breakaway run that set up a second touchdown. Down 14 early, Michigan’s next eight plays netted 14 yards and an interception; PSU duly found the magnetic K.J Hamler for another fade to extend the lead to 21. It was the nightmare that the Wolverines were hoping would not recur; a disengaged team sleepwalking through another important game, watching their dreams shatter at the hands of a confident, well prepared opponent.

 

But Michigan proved they had grown from their early season debacle at Wisconsin. From this point on, they would only surrender just over 100 yards to PSU, while also emerging from their offensive embryo to tantalize with fulfillment of preseason expectations. Michigan QB Shea Patterson, much maligned for his poor pocket presence and inability to process reads, took the mantle of team leader for the first time in the season; he was aggressive, sharp, gamey and gutsy, easily playing his best game of the year. Michigan grabbed a score nearing the end of half as RB Zack Charbonnet came alive, and the momentum carried into the second half. Another impressive touchdown drive in the third quarter brought the score to within 7. But after a game full of mistakes, Michigan made another one that proved decisive. After forcing what would have been a fourth consecutive three and out, Michigan was called for defensive holding on an irrelevant receiver; a few plays later, K.J Hamler brushed past the secondary for another bomb. 

 

Assuring viewers that their resilience was no mirage, Michigan exacted another long drive to bring the score to within seven again, making the endzone by a millimeter on a fourth and inches QB sneak (Patterson didn’t appear to make it, but made the gutsy move to squeeze the ball in at the bottom of the pile). Michigan forced a quick punt and had excellent field position in the games waning minutes. After converting a fourth down and making it down to the goaline, the Penn State defense - which at this point was gassed - made a daring stand on Michigan’s first three plays, giving nothing. On fourth down, Patterson displayed his remarkable improvement; dodging defenders, holding steady in the pocket and reaching his second read, Patterson found standout receiver Ronnie Bell for the tying score. The ball settled into his chest before it slipped out and hit the turf. Penn State would make a gutsy first down conversion to expend Michigan’s timeouts, and so ended the comeback bid. 

 

At 7-0, Penn State has achieved remarkable success relative to expectations. After losing all-time greats at RB and QB for consecutive years, Penn State was written off as little more than a ‘nice’ team in a rebuilding year. But QB Sean Clifford has consistently surprised with his ability to make important plays, and his precision on the deep ball was instrumental to their victory on Saturday. He avoids mistakes, and while his numbers aren’t gaudy, he adheres perfectly to the system that asks him to control the game flow. While their offense was shut down for large portions of the game and PSU failed to crack 300 yards - the PSU run game still struggles to find consistency - they made the plays that mattered, punishing every mistake Michigan made. It could be said that the marking of an elite team is less about physical will or prolific numbers but the mental edge that allows them to capitalize on opponent error and play their best in the games’ most important moments. Both units did so. While Michigan did drop the tying touchdown pass, Penn State held them out of the endzone on the three plays prior. The offense gutted out the crucial first down to seal the game. It may be a stretch to group Penn State in with the top tier. Their offense is prone to disappearing for long stretches of the game and they’ve shown issues in the secondary, particularly with coverage ID and tackling. But our opinions don’t matter much when they lay claim to a perfect record. Their penchant for goalline stands is indicative of a team with mental toughness. Penn State held their ground in the hallowed Happy Straits and kept alive their hopes for championships.

We’re here again, Michigan. It’s a painful indictment for a team to be pleased that they did not lose in blowout fashion. But for the first time all year, Michigan looked like a complete team. They outgained Penn State by ~140 yards, controlled most of the game, had excellent pass protection against one of the best pass rushing units in the country, and had a functional running game that did not fumble. But the reversion to the norm is still a realization that close losses in big games is the high point of the Harbaugh tenure. The receivers - a talented, highly touted group - suffered at least six drops and committed two pass interference penalties. The defense made poor personnel decisions when they attached a safety to the transcendent speed of Hamler. Cataclysmic penalties - Michigan fans aren’t pleased with the referees, and I see why - can be blamed, but fall under the blanket of a losing team always having excuses for their defeat. Harbaugh made some odd decisions - like attempting a 58 yard field goal without using his long range kicker - and once again failed to have his team emotionally prepared for a hostile environment, but he did display an uncanny and justified confidence when he came out of halftime saying, “This will be our finest hour.”

 

That’s a nod to Winston Churchill, who directed the misguided campaign on Gallipoli. Churchill had all the resources he needed to succeed. He was sacked after the campaign ended in disgrace. But there were more important battles on the horizon. With help from the identity forged from the ANZAC forces, Churchill would find success when it mattered most. Will Michigan?

 

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Plebius is collecting bark when his master summons him. He says there is a great treasure to be found in an old battlefield; the routed Visigoths left behind their baggage train but buried it to deny the Romans their loot. 

‘How then did you come to know this?’
‘The village goat led me there.’
‘We don’t have a village goat.’

Plebius’ master waves his hands and they hurry off into the countryside. Plebius is forced to dig with a brass spoon and soon they begin to unearth a chest. But Vandal riders appear in the distance.

‘Master, we can take this one chest and leave now with riches untold.’

‘No, no. There must be more. We must find it all.’

Plebius looks warily to the riders and continues to dig. Now they have come so near that they cannot escape with the chest. Plebius dutifully runs towards the riders while his master escapes.

‘Greeting, barbarians.’

‘Greetings, pleb. We have brought gifts from our people. Would you like a pumpkin?’

‘Thank you, but no. My master made me reseed a pumpkin yesteryear and they make me nervous.’

The Vandals are offended. They take Plebius spleen and leave. Plebius eyes the treasure and limps back to the estate. He spends the evening shucking pinecones.

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The greed of the NCAA is well documented, but so pervasive that its tendrils can’t help but to encapsulate all sorts of nasty appendages, like hypocrisy and irony. A great example is the recent change in transfer rules. While we all agree that the NCAA handles transfers about as well as a man handles being told ‘no premarital sex’ from his girlfriend named Chastity - what do they think is going to happen? - that they allow high profile transfers to contradict their own absurdly restrictive rule set and deny small time transfers would be comical if it didn’t hurt the athletes. And while the storm of compensated players drums in the distance, I’d like to whine about something else today.

 

The change in overtime rules is pathetic, nauseating, and moronic. This week’s 6 overtime game was the debut of the new rules; after four overtimes, the game is turned into a 2 point shootout. Now, you may not see the problem with this, and you should not feel bad if that’s the case. I am not saying that those in favor of this new system, or those apathetic to it, are bad. What I am saying is that the reasoning behind it is just another bale of money on the camels back. GOD FORBID (choose shitty network) can’t air their fifth episode of ‘Dalmatians of Nantucket: Nancy eats a pear’. HEAVENS SAVE US that (choose shitty network) has their precious TV schedule interrupted by the most glorious event imaginable in sports, like last years 7 OVERTIME GAME between Texas A&M and LSU. Think of this; the NCAA watched that game and thought, “Oh, this is bad. We need less of this. We need less memorable, dramatic, engaging, compelling, stunning, mind bending, cataclysmic football.’ It was a game that locked time and space; anyone who watched it will remember where they were, and who they were with. The got dam NCAA sure doesn’t count amongst those.

How rare are these games? I’m too lazy to look up the stats, but the last time I saw, something like .3% of games extend past 3 overtimes. It happens once every ~5 years of so. And yet the NCAA felt the need to arbitrate because some network exec bitched that ‘The Big Beavers of Busterville’ didn’t get to reair it’s failed pilot from 2001. First of all; Network TV is, by and large, and indication of our failed society. It is fucking awful. The commercials I see for shows on CBS and Fox make me want to eat my hands and then use my wrist stumps to bash my eyes into a soup that I then use as a lubricant to clean out a musket to shoot myself with gangrenous Civil War era bullets. But no, Baal forbid a nigh once in a life time experience disrupts that precious viewing schedule. 

 

Player safety, you say? Right. That’s why the NCAA puts so much resources into examining the dangers of College Football and how to better protect players. (“Oh but targeting is a rule now!1! They Care!1!1” - you say, but no, I retort. They changed that rule because those big hits are bad for business - they don’t want attention drawn to the dangers of the sport. I do think it’s good to see less of the dangerous hits, but don’t think they did it to protect the players.) 

 

Did they ask the players, or the coaches, what they think should be done with those games? Did they do research on if more injuries occur in overtime? (When’s the last time you saw an injury in overtime?) They don’t give a shit about the competitive integrity of the game. They want to stuff a rushed product in between commercials - notice that first down clock stoppages are generally less than 5 seconds this year, and OOB plays don’t stop the clock anymore - and conclude it as soon as the commercial spam can stop; can’t get in as many commercials in overtime. 

 

Oh, I shouldn’t have even started; these bottom dwelling scum have the guts to complain about the ‘games being too long’, while increasing commercial time and finding every possible way to reduce actual game time? ‘Teh best spurt in da wurld is 2 long giyz, we shood make it shortur’. How about examining the endless stream of commercials? How about doing away with score-commercial-kickoff-commercial? No, they say. We need to continue to minimize the product and its value while maximizing the bullshit. 

 

There will come a time where the Vandal riders come on the horizon. And the NCAA will keep digging, froth around their mouths, dirt shaking from beneath their unkempt fingernails, mullet bouncing and sweat pooling between jelly rolls. And when they get struck down or barely escape intact, they’ll wonder why they didn’t keep the treasure they had.

 

Fuck commercials. Fuck anyone who attacks the integrity of the game or fails to protect it. Fuck anybody who tries to damage College Football, disparge the players, or try to further manipulate the gross excess extorted by the select few who profit off the sweat of valorous young men. And fuck me for being an inarticulate, ungentlmanly ranting bastard. This is low quality language that I try to avoid but when the joy of my life is threatened I am reduced to my more base tendencies. I can watch my team lose (Oh boy, do they love to lose). I can watch the fabric of the sport change to favor 3-6 teams that are essentially semi-professional. But I cannot watch the greed of halfwit scoundrels threaten the integrity of the sport. 

 

Now, who is coming to my birthday party next week?

 

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Additive Factoids...

 

#12 Oregon - 35

#25 Washington - 31

The webbed foot has the fascinating distinction of convergent evolution, which means that independent, geographically isolated creatures developed the adaptation. It has even occurred in some non- aquatic animals who gain nothing from having the webbed foot. It increases propulsion when swimming, and aids in stability when walking on slick surfaces, something many of these amphibious creatures may not have much practice with. With the ubiquitous placement of the webbed foot across so many species, one could posit that that circumstances make the adaptation inevitable.

 

But the evolution of the Oregon Ducks was no sure thing. They hardly needed to adapt when their locomotion was unmatched in the days of Chip Kelly, utilizing speed that made it look like their opponents were sliding around a wet rock. But Kelly moved on, as did his unique and terrifying style. In the years since, Oregon has struggled to claim an identity; Kelly’s predecessor Mark Helfirch took the Ducks to a championship game on the strength of Kelly’s schematic in 2014, but experienced a downturn after, getting fired in 2016 after his defense gave up an average of 41 points per game. In came the elusive Willie Taggart, who began a transition to a different scheme on both sides of the ball; and then he left after one mediocre season, leaving the Dux in flux. 

 

Mario Cristobal was hardly the coach one would imagine during Kelly’s heyday. Running a much more traditional pistol set with an emphasis on defense and ball control, it was a far cry quack from the spasmodic chain reactions which powered the team for years. A promising 2018 was only slowed by a number of heartbreaking losses, but the blueprint was in place. 2019 would determine whether Cristobal's evolution would put him to the top of the PAC - 12 food chain, or if Oregon was ducked.

 

After a win against Washington which confirms the PAC - 12 mantle has been passed - and ironically mimics the Huskies style - we can confirm that Oregon has adapted for the better. With one of the nations best defensive units, an offense that controls and manages game flow with play actions and a deep backfield, Oregon’s success is beginning to feel much more sustainable as their team adopts an approach that modern championship teams use. 

 

But the Huskies have pride, and they were not eager to surrender ownership of the PAC. Washington has had a disappointing season to date but still had hope for a Northern crown, and if they beat the Ducks, would find their campaign revitalized and on track. In the first half, Washington showed the Ducks how a prostyle team is run; Two long drives and an explosive pass garnered three touchdowns, and in between they held five Oregon drives to less than five plays. Huskies QB Jacob Eason was precise and the run game active. Oregon had two excellent drives of their own, but right before half, Eason hit three straight passes to close the final 39 yards of a touchdown drive and Washington took a 7 point lead into the break. 

Coming out of the half the talented RB Salvon Ahmed set up another deep strike from Eason and the Huskies went up by 14. But Oregon, playing in one of the nations most hostile environments, answered immediately, with a balanced, methodical drive. Seldom used back up running back Cyrus Habibi-Likio emerged to provide a boost, and while Washington added a field goal, the Ducks led another long touchdown drive right after to make it a 3 point game. And in a clear indication of the Ducks transformation to a defensive, ball control team, the defense and run game took over. Washington only managed 46 yards over the fourth quarter. Oregon ran six consecutive times on their game winning drive before Herbert cashed in a pass to Jaylon Redd for the touchdown. Washington made a few plays on their last gasp drive, but the games first sack and a pass breakup sealed the game. 

 

While that aforementioned breakup was probably an uncalled pass interference, it was emblematic of what Oregon has become; a physical, exacting team. Where Oregon of yesteryear had touchdown drives that averaged something under two minutes, Oregon’s drives on Saturday averaged at least four minutes, all punctuated by an explosive, decisive play from Herbert. The Ducks did bleed some yardage and played their worst game of the year defensively, but again made the plays that mattered and smothered Washington in the fourth quarter. While Herbert continues his somewhat surprising regression from an efficiency and explosiveness standpoint, he hit crucial third down and touchdown passes. The left side of Oregon’s line continually paved a Husky front which sent extra men in that direction - which opened a few crucial counter plays - and this balance kept Washington guessing. The takeaway is that Oregon is a complete team which shows signs of growth every week. Their defensive dominance was bound to make a mild regression, and it’s no shame to give up 31 to a well coached Washington team. The webbed foot is the least of the Duck’s adaptations; they’re a complete team, and the clear leader of the conference.

 

I’d never have thought I’d see a Chris Peterson Washington team sitting at 2-3 in the conference, but here we are. Eason’s inconsistencies have related to a few losses, but he played arguably his best game of the season - 23-30, 289 yards - and they still lost. Their loss to Cal seemed forgivable at the time - Cal has gone full Rutgers the last few weeks, so ouch - but the Stanford loss seemed to have shaken their psyche. On a per play basis, they aren’t getting crunched or outplayed; instead, they’re lacking the intangibles of a winning team, specifically situational football. They’ve have about 5 drives this year where they only needed a first down or two to really swing the game in their favor but have been unable to capitalize. The run game produces up until the fourth quarter, and then Eason struggles with accuracy late. I’d guess that this season is a blip on the radar in Petersons tenure, as he’s too good of a coach and the Huskies have an excellent system of development, but 2019 has been rough; all their hopes of a successful season have gone extinct.

 

 

#15 Texas - 50

Kansas - 48

It was one of the most stunning games of 2016. Kansas had beaten Texas for the first time since 1938 in an overtime clunker. A pitiful field storming followed - more like a field drizzle, as only a few hundred Kansas fans could bear to show up for their miserable team - and Kansas secured their first Big 12 win since, uh, 2014. It marked the low point of a Texas program that had been hurtling toward oblivion since Colt McCoy dove into a pile of Alabama defenders and separated his shoulder in the 2010 national championship game. Charlie Strong looked more like Charlie Brown, blue and black after being pummelled again, red in the face after being humiliated in such a fashion, and more so in his knowledge that the pink slip was being drafted before they even got back to Austin.

 

The last three years has seen a decades worth of change for both teams. Kansas continued to duke it out with Rutgers for the distinct honor of being the worst team ever (they actually crushed Rutgers when they played a few years back, as if we needed more ammunition.) Texas, now, is in a good spot; despite a few losses to top-6 teams, they’re a really solid program, and now Kansas appears poised for change with the surprising hire of Les Miles. But the Jayhawks are going to need *more mileage* out of the season, because this brutal loss stalls comeback talk.

 

My god, what a game. Kansas actually took a lead into halftime, and it was clear that the Longhorns were still deflated from their loss to Oklahoma which essentially eliminated their lofty preseason goals. Both teams blew chances early; the Jayhawks missed two field goals and Texas had consecutive drives snuffed out on fourth down. But the chances came plenty in the fourth quarter.

 

After regaining a somewhat comfortable lead, Texas QB Sam Elingher was intercepted early in the frame, and Kansas scored on the next play to tie the game. Except they didn’t. On the PAT, Texas lineback D’shawn Jamison blocked and returned it for the coveted two point conversion; instead of a tie, Texas had a 3 point lead. Then the Horns only needed 4 plays to grab a touchdown and it was here we expected the Jayhawks to fold: 40-30. But they bumbled down and kicker Liam Jones redeemed himself with a 46 yard make to keep it within striking distance. In a stunning moment, Texas fumbled just two plays later. Four plays later, Kansas completed a miraculous 4th and 10, and then scored on a strike from QB Carter Williams, who made a number of heroic plays. Elingher quickly led an answering drive, only for Kansas to complete another fourth down conversion on a 36 yard catch and run from Kwamie Lassiter. On the next play, Williams threw another strike, and the game was tied. Except it wasn’t.

 

Cameras showed Les Miles waving his arms around on the sideline, a gaggle of coaches muttering in his ear. He gave a vapid look towards the field and gave motion. Seconds later Williams found a wide open Jayhawk at the back of the endzone for the two point conversion, and Austin fell into stunned silence. For Texas, it was like the Titanic had been recovered from the sea floor, rebuilt, and then directed at the same exact iceberg. 

 

But the 2016 team didn’t have Elingher, and he would have no part in the shame. The Horns charged down the field and, for the second time in two seasons, gave us another ‘Dicker the Kicker!’ moment as they hit a game-winning, walk off field goal. The Austin zamboni coalition(AZC, for those of you at home) quickly went to work sweeping up the oil slicks that had been laid out around the city just moments earlier. 

 

Is there shame in winning? It’s hard to say, as it’s largely dependent on the opponent. What worries me here is that most ‘elite’ teams come out on fire after a tough loss; Texas should have eviscerated Kansas, at home, a week after losing a heartbreaker in the Red River Rivalry. While we’re not claiming Texas was elite - even when they were ranked a bit too high early in the year - it’s disappointing to see them flirt with consecutive losses. Where the defense had its moments in the first few years of Herman, it appears to be in total freefall. Kansas - a team that lost to Coastal Carolina and played Indiana State earlier this year - recorded their highest yardage and point total of the season, edging up near 600 yards. They were over 50% on third downs and moved the chains 27 times. While Miles has elevated this team significantly, the Longhorns have such a decided personnel advantage - and were playing at home - that it’s really hard to find a positive about this game, at least on defense. It’s not surprise to see Elingher shred the Jayhawks defense to the tune of 638 yards, but two turnovers three sacks surrendered is indicative of a fading defensive unit. We’ve seen these Big 12 defenses tread water early in the season before collapsing and adjusting their standard to hoping to grab just one or two fourth quarter stops to break the shootout stalemate. Until Herman figures out how to utilize his considerable talent on defense, the Texas hype train is more like a cattle train; their going to get marched around and eaten up.

 

Is there honor in defeat? When your Kansas, yes, yes there is. Even at 2-5 Kansas is clearly better than they’ve been since, what, 2009? Again we see the disproportionate impact of coaching in college football; these are the same players as last year's team, by and large, and they’re generally much more competent and competitive. Kansas likely won’t make it back into the Handbook this year, for reasons that should be obvious. But if they can squeak out a few more wins, and gawd ferbid an upset, then they’ll be less jaywalk and more Jayhawk. 

 

BYU - 28

#14 Boise State - 25

“The mission of Brigham Young University — founded, supported, and guided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints — is to assist individuals in their quest for perfection and eternal life. That assistance should provide a period of intensive learning in a stimulating setting where a commitment to excellence is expected and the full realization of human potential is pursued.”

 

-BYU Mission Statement

 

Wow, lot to unpack here. First is the noble if misguided reference to perfection. I’d hope it’s a nod to some afterlife which, also according to BYU, is hence disqualified for horrendous, universe altering sins such as smoking or premarital sex #microtransgression. (For those offended, rest easy knowing that I’ll spend eternity in hell, paying for my sins. Praise Baal. If you plan on coming, please bring apple juice and tobacco.)

 

 I’d next like to examine the ‘Full realization of human potential.’ For the incalculable good that BYU does, they fail miserably in this one aspect as it pertains to the football team. It is egregious. It is comical. It is frustrating even for some guy in goes to (Big Ten school redacted). 

 

The BYU football team is 3-4. This means that they have won 3 football games and lost 4 football games. This means that they lose more often than they win. An inference would suggest that BYU is not good at football. This inference would be incorrect. I am also a moth.

 

BYU has a victory over an SEC team in their stadium, a ranked USC, and a ranked Boise State. They have two forgivable losses to good teams. They also have lost to Toledo - a city which two states tried to jettison - and South Florida, a team coached by the luminous Charlie Strong (See above^^^) and who was 2-10 in their last 12 games. 

 

Are they lacking grace? Did they eat meat the Friday before? (bUt aNdReW TaTz nOt rIte MICROTRANSGRRESSION #2). We cannot be certain. The Mormon Manziel and his backup at QB was out on Saturday, which should have spelled doom for the Cougars; Boise State is an aggressive, well balanced team with an eye on a serious run. And so what does BYU do? Beat an undefeated, #14 ranked team with their third string. K.

 

Boise State took a lead into half, with the BYU offense struggling as one would expect. But then they blasted for 21 points in the third quarter, taking an 18 point lead into the fourth. It was largely due to the same gamey, gutsy calls we see from this BYU team, which has tremendous character (Which is why it’s so frustrating to see them play below their potential.) A fake QB sneak on fourth down (BALLS) turned into a touchdown dart. Then a reverse flea flicker meant another touchdown bomb. The Cougars averaged nearly 20 yards a play in the third quarter.

 

Boise State’s starter, the promising Hank Bachmeier, was regrettably sidelined with injury; even still, this is a proud team that wouldn’t die. Despite an interception and missed field goal which slowed their second half comeback bid, the Broncos got a grinding, 13 play touchdown drive and consecutive stops, then logging another score. But BYU, again displaying a poise and courage that, IDK, must make them think some metaphysical force is watching out for then, went for it on fourth down from their own 37. They got it, and ran out the clock.

It’s simply remarkable, and my love for BYU stems largely from the fact that no team is more emblematic of College Football. BYU has *limited* draw for high powered athletes, and somehow puts together extremely competitive teams. They lose bullshit games. They win bullshit games. They generally do everything they’re not supposed to do. And by no means was Boise State supposed to lose this game. They were the highest ranked G5 team and were looking likely to make a push for a NY6 Bowl Game. While it may be unfair, a single loss will always eliminate a G5 team from relevance. It can still be a great year for Boise as they’re likely to win the Mountain West, but this one will hurt for a while.

 

BTW:

 

"We needed a game like this to get that stone rolling again." said BYU receiver Matt Bushman. Isn’t the phrase, ‘get the ball rolling?’ ‘The stone’ is an interesting choice of words, because, you know, I’ve been told the whole Jesus coming back to life thing had a rolling stone involved. And this was their *third* win. And there are *seven* gallons of apple juice in my fridge. And birds are government surveillance drones (Thank Kyrie Irving for that stunning revelation). But what do I know. I’m just heathen scum. 

 

Andrew, you’ve gotten off track.

 

I know. I just… I wanted to be a fireman when I grew up. And now my career points to an underwater bramble recoveryman. Things just move so quickly.

 

Here, have some apple juice.

 

Thanks. You’re much better than all the real girlfriends I’ve had.

 

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Busters and Beavers

This week’s Big Time Buster:

 

Lovie Smith, who quite possible saved his career with a win over Wisconsin. 

 

 

This week’s Beaver Meat:

 

Coaches of non-Florida Gator teams - Willie Taggart and Manny Diaz - who officially put themselves on the hot seat by dropping their respective Canes and Noles to 3-4.

 

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Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…

 

#1 Alabama finished off Tennessee, 35-13, in a game that was close until Tennessee quarterback Jared Guartanomo made an uncalled audible at the goal line and fumbled, allowing Bama to take it back 105 yards for a touchdown to put things out of reach. Tennessee played decently but the real story is the injury of ‘Bama QB Tua TagoWTF, who rolled up his ankle on a scramble. QB Mack Jones came in and cleaned up, but it’s a clear drop off at the position. The Bama defense held the Volunteers to just over 200 yards, which is an improvement over earlier weeks; injuries have taken their toll but as we guessed, the Tide will figure it out. We need to see more from the ‘Bama run game, only gaining 140 yards in this one against a troubled defensive front for Tennessee. Without the threat of Tua passing, the run blocking isn’t adequate. Tua is expected back in time for their showdown with LSU, and if that’s the case, this is just a blip on the ‘dar. 

 

#2 LSU handled Mississippi State, 36-13, in a game in which the Bulldogs put up an early fight before succumbing to Joe Burrow. Slow start by LSU understandable after last week’s big win. We didn’t learn much that we didn’t already know. Fans in Starkville are growing impatient with Moorhead, however; touted as an offensive mastermind, last year’s defense is the only thing holding his tenure together. 

 

#3 Clemson crushed Louisville, 45-10, in a game littered with early turnovers. The PH thought that Louisville may have had a chance to keep things close, but Clemson has turned regained their focus and are liable to cruise through the rest of their pitiful schedule. Trevor Lawrence continues his slump, which gives us pause in assessing their playoff readiness; interestingly, a single loss may be enough to keep this team out of the playoffs, due to their weak schedule and how ‘shaky’ they looked to start the year. But who in the ACC can provide that kind of challenge?

#4 Ohio State dismembered Northwestern 52-7, after a sluggish start. :( for Northwestern. We learned nothing for either team. 

 

#5 Oklahoma stomped West Virginia, 52-14, in a nice showing after a huge win in the RRS. It’s a good sign that Oklahoma came out focused and ready to play, refusing to fall victim to the old fashioned hangover. Hurts regained God mode, going 16-17 for 316 yards and 3 TD’s. Will they be seriously tested again before a likely rematch with Texas in the Big 12 championship game?

 

#9 Florida rebounded nicely against a confident South Carolina, winning 38-27. The Gamecocks wanted back to back top 10 upsets, heading into the fourth quarter with a 3 point lead. But Florida showed some nice resolve in shrugging off last week’s fourth quarter letdown. Trask continues to impress with poise, and I have a hard time imagining Felipe Franks taking the job back whenever he gets healthy. This is Trask’s team, now. The Gator defense is showing some cracks in the run game, as they allowed 200+ to the Gamecocks; it’s over pursuit from the D-Line and missed gaps from the LB’s. They can’t rely on the offense and it’s hit-or-miss run game every week - despite how solid it’s been - and will have to get back to form on defense to take the SEC East crown.

 

#10 Georgia pulled away late against Kentucky, winning 21-0. A scoreless first half indicated a team in disrepair after their painful upset loss last week; but Kentucky has a wide receiver at QB due to injuries as was never going to present an issue for the Georgia defense. They regained their composure and Fromm found his confidence late to seal the win.

 

#13 Utah pummeled #17 Arizona State, 21-3. Somewhat impactful game with very little of note occurring. Utah’s defense has regained their confidence and made ASU QB Jayden Daniels skittish - only 4 completions on the day = yikes. We figured ASU would struggle again on offense sometime this year - their offensive line has put together a good stretch but is still suspicious - but we didn’t imagine them being held to 3 points. They only managed 119 yards of offense, 3 of those on the ground. This was a tough game against a good team for the Sun Devils; they shouldn’t be too down on themselves. Things are still progressing wonderfully in Tempe, and a young team needs an annual mulligan. The Utes went off the radar after losing to USC, but spring back into the conversation after this important win. They took the mantle of the PAC South and should be in the Pac championship game. 

 

#18 Baylor passed another test, in what is quietly one of their most important wins of the year. Oklahoma State is a very credible benchmark; Chuba Hubbard and Spencer Sanders constitute one of the most talented tandems in the country. I had pegged the upset here and imagined OSU reclaiming a ranking as one of the nation's better teams, but their defensive struggles continue; absent any pass rush, their secondary consistently struggled in run support and coverage. Baylor, meanwhile, continues their dream season. Matt Rhule is going to get poached by a bigger program very soon, so the Bears should enjoy this while it lasts. Predictably, we’ll need to see how they match up against Texas and Oklahoma; win one of those, and this season goes from good to great.

#19 SMU took down a feisty Temple team, 45-21, to confirm that they are #forreal. Absolutely one of the season’s best stories. Stangs QB Shane Buchele continues his excellent play, logging 6 touchdowns and ~450 yards. If he can avoid the turnover bug in big games and the SMU defense tighten up their pass defense - they need a little more pass rush - SMU can take the AAC crown.

 

#20 Minnesota Spiritually lost to Rutgers, only having a 14 point lead at half time, before actually winning 42-7. Rutgers had an inspiring 37 pass yards - which is 37x higher than they achieved last week - but did avoid getting shutout. Minnesota once again flexed their deep backfield and showed nice balance. They continue to improve weekly, with play on the line being the most notable. Tanner Morgan can be a little too spotty for my taste, and goes between average and excellent in varying weeks. If he can find his comfort zone, I really think Minnesota can do something special. However, none of this will matter unless they can handle Wisconsin, Penn State, or Iowa; they’ve got to beat one of the big boys to be considered a credible threat.

 

#23 Iowa took care of Purdue, 26-20, in a game that was not as close as the score denotes. It’s still emblematic of this year's Iowa team and their inability to put together four quarters of offense; they haven’t managed more than a touchdown a quarter since September. Purdue’s defense is the ultimate quick cure for ailing offense, but Stanley his spat of ~260 yards per game with middling scoring results. Another week without a 100 yard rusher. At this point, Iowa has played itself out of serious contention. They’ll be hoping for an upset over Minnesota or Wisconsin, or else it’ll feel like a lost season. Purdue is still Purdue, ravaged by injuries, but as we’ve noted, they underperformed even when at full strength, despite prolific offense. Next year will be ‘the’ year for coach Jeff Brohm.

 

Georgia Tech beat Miami in Coral Gables, 28-21. Listen, I get that Manny Diaz is a first year coach. But this is not a good look. Georgia Tech is basically the foundation of a ramshackle hut that got chosen by House Hunters over a South Beach condo. Miami has no excuse to lose games like this, as they so significantly out-talent a GT team that is in the midst of an enormous cultural, schematic shift, and will be lucky to win another game this year. These are those ‘turning point’ kind of games; the nice win over Virginia fades and now Miami fans wonder what the hell Diaz is doing. With multiple quarterbacks injured, things might get worse before they get better.

Oregon State beat Cal, 21-17, in a major narrative shift for both programs. Just 3 weeks ago, Cal was undefeated and ranked #16, a dark horse for PAC-12 contention. It’s been nothing short of a collapse. While I appreciate that their starting QB got injured, the backup Devon Modster has experience, and the defense and run game should be able to score them wins against the league's bottom feeders. Justin Fuente is going to have to work his magic or all of last years momentum will be erased. Oregon State, meanwhile, is only 3-4, but has to be feeling good. They’ve been so bad for so long, and scoring a road win like this is the kind of thing that can push a bad team to mediocre. For 2019 Oregon State, that’s more than fine.

 

Virginia Tech beat UNC in 6 OT, 43-41. It’s the debut of the new overtime rules, in which any game extending beyond 4 overtimes becomes ‘shootout’ style with both teams trading 2 point attempts. It was a wild game, as you can imagine, that saw Virginia Tech use three different quarterbacks and eight rushers. It was the longest game in ACC history, and even longer for the Tar Heels, who fell just short once again despite continuing to show promise; they’re only 2-4 in once score games. We were worried about the Hokies just a few weeks ago after they suffered their worst home loss in history to a, uh, struggling Duke, but Fuente has done an excellent job rallying the team to a now very respectable 5-2. The teams respective kickers each missed 2 overtime kicks before struggling to score in the final 2 point frames. NC QB Sam Howell had a great game - ~350 yards - but it wasn’t enough as the Hokies used their more balanced attack to close out the final frame. 

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist

 

Please be silent as we go through the Stations of the Verne.

 

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Microtransgression Count - 3

-A little light this week, but I made broader strokes. Religion was really in the crosshairs, today. Next week I think I’ll target banned books. 

Please send all complaints to:

Offices of the MicroTransgressed, 420 Vernester Lane, Beaverton, Uganda.

A dedicated team will share in your indignation and post their outrage on social media. This will truly spur social change.

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Orifice Extractions for Week 9

Peasant Omniscience to date : 49-27

-What, was I supposed to pick Illinois?

 

#3 Ohio State - 36

#13 Wisconsin - 27

 

I think Coan struggles early in an atmosphere he hasn’t really had to deal with before. Johnathon Taylor will struggle to get yards until Coan starts hitting some passes. The Buckeyes offense may have some fits and spurts, but cannot be denied big plays. The teams score late to expand the scoring, but Ohio State just has too much. Fields nets some 280 total yards and three scores.

 

#9 Auburn - 20

#2 LSU - 31

 

The Tigers… Oh wait, they’re both Tigers, never-freaking-mind. Auburn has success running early before the LSU defense commits fully. Auburn QB Bo Nix struggles in the environment - his accuracy in big games has been suspect all year - and as the offense fades the defense shows some cracks. Burrow gets just over 300 yards and they pull away early in the 4th.

 

#6 Penn State - 23

Michigan State - 21

 

The Spartans will be juiced up after a bye week and take an early lead, holding it till half. But as the offense dies off the Nittany Lions hit enough explosive plays - Hamler will break another one - and they’ll shake off their hangover and finally beat the Spartans. Actually IDK. State could very easily win this. I’m not changing the score but spiritually I think MSU wins.

 

#19 Michigan - 31

#7 Notre Dame - 28

 

The Wolverines are a different team at home, and showed a complete team effort last week, even if it was only for a half. Notre Dame will play well coming off the bye week and have an early lead but Michigan will build off their resilience and take the win with a late turnover. Expect the run game to struggle early for both teams before Book and Patterson begin hitting some passes; I’d expect both units to log about 350 yards and each commit a turnover or two, as the aggressive defensive lines are liable to pressure each QB into a mistake.

 

#11 Oregon - 32

Washington State - 30

 

The Cougars are feeling feisty and Oregon will have another struggle on defense. Herbert will again lead the team to a fourth quarter victory and another late sack seals it.

 

 

#20 Iowa - 28

Northwestern - 23

 

Fitz will have his team hungry and desperate after last weeks debacle; their good enough on defense to provide the Hawkeyes with their usual troubles. Stanley once again throws for 260 yards - this is getting weird - but the Hawks defense gets fourth quarter stops.

 

Compulsory misguided upset pick of the week…!

 

#5 Oklahoma - 27

Kansas State - 30

 

A hot start has cooled somewhat for the Wildcats, and they don’t match up well from an athleticism standpoint, but things have been a bit too easy for the Sooners this year. I think Hurts lobs a few interceptions and gets rattled by early pressure, and the Wildcats keep a spy on him to limit his running range. A late field goal seals it for the Cats, who are going to be rowdy for a win.

 

Oklahoma State - 30

#23 Iowa State - 26

 

You know, I just don’t feel like justifying this one. But I will. Chuba Hubbard and Spencer Sanders are too good to lose back to back games, and Iowa State is too up and down. Big 12 will be chaos this week. 

 

Houston - 31

#16 SMU - 30

 

It’s just so hard to win out, even when you’re the better team. Holgerson was so pissed this week that he’ll find a way to motivate his guys for the upset.

 

Mississippi State - 26

Texas A&M - 24

 

Two struggling teams with negative fan bases; what could go wrong? Moorhead knows this may be his last chance for a meaningful win this year, and A&M will be playing too tight.

 

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One time, when I was a kid, I had a hamster escape from its cage. “Peppy” was his name, which probably should have told my parents a lot. He crawled into the vents. We heard him scrabbling around for days before he died. He died alone. If you must wonder why I am the way I am, wonder no longer. Know that the ghost of Peppy haunts my every step.

 

Farewell. And Hosanna Baal.