**The assumptions in this story you are about to read are not true.**

The Few. The Proud. The Marines.

I have known a few Marines in my lifetime. One of those Marines was my grandpa. Assigned to the Pacific Theater during WWII,  he was an airplane crewman. After he had passed away, I learned gramps had developed claustrophobia from his time spent as a turret machine gunner. That might be the most bad ass way to develop claustrophobia. Thank you for your service, grandpa. He also left behind some of his military documents for his family to read. In his field manual, he had hand written notes on a formula to make rocket fuel. 

The Marines were being instructed during the War on how to make DIY rockets to strap to their airplanes. Jet-Assisted Take-Off they called it. It should be Rocket-Assisted Take-Off but shut up dorks we have Marine Stuff to talk about. These Marines were ready-and-willing to become Bill Nye the Island Guy with some boxes of chemicals and a makeshift rocket strapped to their plane...and then riding that into battle.

"Retreat? Hell! We just got here!" ~ Major Lloyd W. Williams

Out of respect to my Grandpa, I am going to entertain that Captain Connor Stalions does exactly what he says he does: Use “Marine Corps philosophies and tactics” to identify “the opponent’s most likely course of action and most dangerous course of action.”

He is a psyop savant. An espionage expert. The type of Marine machine that would write a Michigan Manifesto in 14 hours. I could very much regret these assumptions in the very near future. You can refer to the main page of this blog for the reasonable and well-sourced information. After all, rogue Marines are not *ahem* unheard of.

"Marines are built through the ethos of struggle and sacrifice." ~ Gen. James Jones

Stalions is a known Michigan Fan. Former Michigan QB Devin Gardner recognized him as a super fan before he was a coach. In fact, Stalions should be referred to in the olde language, as a "Fanatic." I don't think I have to remind the U of M fanbase of the Poor Damn Devin Gardner seasons. Or a lot of seasons before that. For Captain Stalions to be recognized as a Super Fan during those years...yeah. Manifesto.

So Captain Stalions and his excellent resume apply to be the Sign Stealing Guy (totally legal position btw). I imagine the synergy between Stalions and the Head Coach of Michigan binds very well in the "Chicken is a nervous bird" universe.

The Head Coach has clearly recognized his talents after years of volunteer service. When Stalions is given a job on staff, perhaps the Athletic Director glossed over the fact that Marines consider sacrifice an essential part of duty. Captain Stalions certainly seems like a man willing to Sacrifice.

Stalions knows the NCAA rule book. There are definitely hand written notes throughout. He knows what "Plausible Deniability" means in situations far more dangerous than anything college football could create. Perhaps Stalions was concocting a plan to fall on the proverbial sword. The Head Coach has spoke at lengths about the cheaters in College Football. If Captain Stalions wants to battle the enemy, he will have to take the battle to their cheatin-ass turf. Alone (and a platoon of Cell Phone Mercenaries).

"There's a lot of whiners in every crowd." ~ Sgt. R. Lee Ermey

Ohio State was the ultimate hurdle for the Head Coach of Michigan. In 2019, Clemson defeated Ohio State to go to the Championship game. Prior to the next year's rematch, Ryan Day complained about Clemson's Sign Stealing Guy. OSU then proceeded to beat Clemson 49-28. Ryan Day compared Clemson's sign stealing operation to the KGB. Seems awfully paranoid. That is a common symptom of a genius. Also a common symptom amongst posers.

As the Head Coach of Michigan is assembling a very talented team to defeat Ohio State, Stalions sees “the opponent’s most likely course of action and most dangerous course of action.” Stalions is now the legal Sign Stealing Guy. He combs through his rule book. Hmm, coaches and staff can't conduct in-person scouting of future opponents. Captain Stalions has a plan. But this plan will not be funded (directly or indirectly) by anybody else on Michigan's staff. They will be kept in the dark. The money comes from his military earnings or his family. This is Top Secret. Plausible Deniability.

Semper Fidelis

Captain Stalions recruits the mercenaries for the mission. They must stick to The Plan (It is right in the Manifesto guys). They will use the password protected dropbox to share media and notes. They will attend games for future Michigan opponents. They will be brazen in their Michigan fandom. They will point a cell phone at the sidelines and record an entire game. It is OK that it is very obvious - it isn't against the rules. Talk to people if they ask. Be friendly. Enjoy the game, all expenses paid by Captain Stalions.

The only strict rule for the mercenaries is that they must report directly to Captain Stalions. Do not talk to any Michigan staff about your duties. After all, he wants to be coach someday (Pages 1, 6, 100-142 of the Manifesto). They can't be privy to his masterful operation. You can, however, talk to anybody unrelated with the University of Michigan. Especially if they offer you money. Take their money. Talk to them, a lot. Report to Captain Stalions afterwards. 

This mission relies on being Always Faithful. Semper Fi.

"Demonstrate to the world that there is 'No Better Friend, No Worse Enemy' than a US Marine." General James Mattis (ft. General Lucius Cornelius Sulla).

So begins "Operation Bucked *uckeye". I am assuming Marines name their Top Secret missions in such a fashion so that, if it comes to it, they get to hear the name said out loud in court.

As the Operation is underway, Captain Stalions uses the intel from his private network of mercenaries. He starts stealing signs during the game. It helps, but when Aidan Hutchinson is trucking Ohio State's best offensive lineman, it really doesn't make much of a difference. But would a Marine with a 500 page Manifesto, that wants to be coach someday, think that Sign Stealing (and using a network of mercenaries) really will elevate him to Head Coach?

"Being ready is not what matters. What matters is winning after you get there." ~ Lieutenant General Victor H. Krulak

Captain Stalions has been made aware of message board chatter regarding the mercenaries. A Marine isn't phased by message board sleuths, and it is excellent news that there is some chatter going about. Who does the sleuth's team play next? The Captain will help them out. Rattle some more cages.

Now there are some more rumblings. Hmm, somebody accessed this password protected media server at an unexpected time. And boy did they really seem to love the content. What do we have here, oh former FBI agent Richard Softenhand. When Marines are told FBI, they really hear "Civilian." But this is a much more interesting sleuth than VolsFan69420. Who could possibly bankroll a former FBI agent to snoop around some kids recording football games with cell phones? With inflation and all that, in this day and age? Can't be cheap.

Well it looks like the Top Secret Operation has been busted. Somebody got former FBI on the case. A mercenary gave them everything. Shoot dang. That 500 page Manifesto, all for naught. But something is gnawing at the Private Investigator. He can't seem to tie this to the Head Coach of Michigan for some reason.

Oh well, there is so much evidence here. Look at the Venmo records! The pictures! The quotes! Oh, the person who hired Softenhand will certainly love the endless bits of evidence they can leak to the media on any given day. It will ruin Michigan. 

Heck, there are a slew of schools that will be willing to cooperate. A lot of coaches and schools don't like Michigan or their Head Coach. So let's inform them, in private, about all of the information that the hired, former FBI agent stole from Captain Stalions password protected media server. And in a blink of an eye, these schools turn over ticket buyer information. Ever try to collect records from a public institution? The former FBI agent sure can make those departments work extra quickly.

Surely people will see that sign stealing is really what is ruining college football and it's sanctimonious INTEGRITY. But there's still that bit about tying all of this to the Head Coach of Michigan. The Head Coach of Michigan has to be cheating to beat a genius like Ryan Day at Ohio State.

Well I guess we will start the media leaks, and have the evidence turned over to the NCAA. All right there. Right in the hands of the NCAA. The evidence that was stolen. In a non-criminal case. To support the complaints about the grey areas of the rule books. By a former FBI agent hired by Ryan Day. Certainly Michigan will be punished for these crimes against INTEGRITY.

"Come on, you sons of bitches, do you want to live forever?" ~ Gunnery Sergeant Daniel Daly

**This story was meant to entertain. Personally, I feel like Signalgate should be taken as an entertaining scandal compared to the Mel Tuckers, Urban Meyers, prostitution, and academic fraud. One with minimal real world implication. Well, I guess there is the possibility that some coaches move on.

And Captain Stalions, I sincerely thank you for your service to the Marine Corps and our country.**