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https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/11/05/what-did-i-just-watch-week-10-2/

 

The Peasant Handbook

 

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 10, 2019

Deep in interstellar space clouds of gas and dust swirl about. These clumps slowly reach a critical mass before collapsing upon themselves. In this pivotal moment, they will either begin the transformation into a star system that burns hot and dies fast , stays cool and persists, or tangle into an eternal mess of inconsequential debris. In a staging week 10 of the 2019 College Football season, we watched as some teams rebuild themselves from collapse, others burn themselves out, and still more remain cool and persist to stardom. Entering the final month of the season, mass and time stand second to leather and line.

 

-As most of the Big Ten was in their bye-week and we had only one top tier match-up, I’ll be skipping my main feature game and instead doing smaller panels. Because you’re so concerned with the format.

 

#8 Georgia - 24

#6 Florida - 17

A cocktail, you say? Depending on your inclination for inebriation, the word is liable to titillate. Not so for the belabored peasants of years past. The pre-20th century cocktail defined a horse that had its tail cut because its breeding had been impure. That’s quite a way to add insult to injury. This evolved to denote a man who had risen to high station, but lacked gentlemanly virtue; a peasant in high places, if you will. Originally an insult, now it’s a drink with salt, though it’s diluted quality remains. A cocktail is named as such for the dilution of it’s spirit with some juice or syrup. 

 

As we kicked off the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party in Jacksonville, the SEC’s famed rivalry between Georgia and Florida, we’d find both fashions of the phrase in use. One team would be sent home as a cocktail; a team of rank and stature, but lacking the highest quality, a burden that any two loss team must bear. Not only would a loss eliminate the loser from playoff contention, but also from the SEC East race, and with it, the distinct honor of use as a whetting stone by the SEC West champion. It will be an event that I imagine won’t be so different than a cocktail hour used to cap off the season.

 

But we’ve got to brew with the ol’ Blue and Red before we proclaim any toast. When Florida failed to convert a fourth down on their opening drive, it hinted ominously at the woe to come. This was a game of well matched teams that was decided by an inability for the Gators to convert on third downs, and Georgia’s ability to do so. While the Dawgs managed to extend a number of drives, their first half yielded only two field goals and a touchdown. The talented D'andre Swift was bottled up by the snapping Gators, and QB Jake Fromm wasn’t particularly explosive. But as the Gators struggled and only managed 104 yards of offense in the first half, a 13-3 Georgia lead at half felt like more.

 

It would appear that the refs also partook in the festivities, as an unconscionable call was made as a Georgia receiver took out a shovel, dug a hole, placed the ball in the hole, ran a route, grabbed the ball from the hole, and the play was called a reception - even after review. This was a brutally unfair turn for the Gators, who would have held the Dawgs without a touchdown in the first half were it not for this third down conversion that extended the Dawgs lone touchdown drive. But it was the other 11 third down conversions that stirred the spirit.

 

But the Gators barely had enough juice. In a two score game, Florida only had three possessions in the second half. After a Georgia field goal to open the final two frames, the first Gator drive was extended by a Georgia penalty, then ruined as a sack led to a Florida punt on 4th and 32. Though the Georgia defense continued to apply pressure, Florida QB Kyle Flask Trask found his rhythm on a subsequent drive. Florida, unwilling to waste more downs running the ball on a Georgia front that was surrendering nothing, used Trask on all 9 plays of an 80 yard drive - two scrambles, and 7 throws, the last for a touchdown. 16-10. 

 

But the Georgia offense had apparently been fermenting. With the help of 20 yards from Swift and a Georgia ground game that was perking up, Fromm hit a 56 yard touchdown strike to Lawrence Cager for a backbreaking score. Fromm found him again for the two point conversion and pushed the lead to 14. 

 

With only ten minutes left, Florida would begin a drive that was long enough to pass USDA qualifications on aging spirits. After 17 plays, numerous Georgia penalties - which at this point, had given Florida more first downs then they had managed to earn themselves - and some clutch 3rd and 4th down conversions from Trask, Florida managed to find the endzone to bring the margin to seven. But the drive had taken so long that they now had to force a 3 and out or watch the Dawgs kneel out the game. After a dingbat penalty put Georiga behind schedule and facing a 3rd and 7, Fromm displayed the poise that made prior seasons to tantalizing; he threw a beautiful quasi-fade to Eli Wolfe and sealed the game. The world’s largest watering hole had, surprisingly, become inhospitable for the Gators.

 

While Florida went 2-3 on 4th down, they were a putrid 2-9 on third down, also surrendering a 12-18 day defending third downs from Georgia. This pushed the yardage advantage for Georgia to 100+ and has the compounding effect of tiring the Gator defense, which makes it even harder to defend third downs. Even still, they had a chance to get the ball back for a game tying drive at the end, but Fromm threw his best pass of the day to seal the game. And that’s saying something, because he was a clean 20-30 for 279 yards. Fromm has faced some criticism this year for appearing less dynamic and assertive as he’s been in years past; remember, he was a freshman phenom who took his team to the national championship game, and has come within inches of taking Georgia to the promised land of gin and syrup. This was the first game of the season in which he felt like the field general Georgia expects him to be. He made all the plays that mattered and avoided errors. The run game did well enough against the strong Gator defense, gaining ground in the second half as the Gators wore down. Contrast this to a miserable 21-yards rushing attempt for Florida and you see how two nearly identical teams mix themselves into a swirling vat of southern spirit and one emerges with an aloof grin and glazed eyes, the other empirically measuring the density of porcelain. 

 

The Gators should not be so far removed from the dark days of yesteryear where they were being embarrassed weekly that a likely 10-2 year is a disgrace, even if this eliminates their championship goals. They’ve played well in both of their losses with a back-up QB and an inconsistent run game. Mullen clearly has the program in a good place and while this rivalry loss stings, the Gators continue to impress with overall strong efforts against top-10 teams, after a week 0 debacle against Miami resulted in the most uninspiring win of all time. The offensive line doesn’t provide consistency against varied looks and struggles to get to their second level of blocks. The rushing attack also has a weird issue trying to edge defenses, regularly pushing things wide with little success; I’m not sure if they’re being coach to cut upfield and become hesitant or they underestimate the speed of opposing teams. RB Lamicheal Perine is best in space - who isn’t - and when neutered as such the Gator run game flounders. Georgia, on the other hand, had a balanced attack that produced just enough on the ground to free Fromm from excessive pressure. While I haven’t seen marked improvement from their loss to SC, the fact that they didn’t turn the ball confirms what a disaster that loss was - they would have beaten SC easily were it not for Fromm’s disastrous day. While Georgia is obviously one of the nations best teams, I’d put them just below the top tier this year, as I’m just not seeing development on a week to week basis. What’s funny is that they may not need it. When Fromm is confident, the entire team is elevated. They’re good enough to beat anyone, and with enough chances against anybody, things will eventually go your way (Alabama narrows eyes). Should they win out, the single loss would be forgiven and they’d be in the playoffs. With a huge rivalry win on Saturday, the Dawgs are once again...in the mix.

 

 

 

#16 Notre Dame - 21

Virginia Tech - 20

Depending on which of the ~30,000 denominations of Christianity you come across, thematic elements can vary. (Funny how the ‘One true        ‘ can mean so many different things #MICROTRANSGRESSION #1). The ‘Virtuous Holy Fountain of Spirit and Godly Equanimity Congregation’ likely expounds the virtue of generosity (As least to their patrons as the basket gets passed). Good ‘ol Roman Catholicism, though, is often a story of redemption. As the lovely system of the Tithe was passed for less predatory means of salvation, the good ‘n guilty Christians needed a guide for the redemption. And so they turned to the Good Book.

 

But the Book was not so good last week. Irish QB Ian Book found himself in a flood of Noahanic proportions without an Ark; or arc, velocity, and anything else needed to complete a pass, as he struggled to a 8-25 day in a miserable blowout loss to Michigan. And so Notre Dame, a Christian sect having actually earned their guilt, was chastened after seeing their goals washed away, along with their pride. Without any premier matchups to close out the year, the best the Irish could do was win out and pray for the best, which is a vaguely purgatorial 10-2 with the chance at a reputable NY6 Bowl. But a loss - woah boy, a loss would make the year hell.

 

Satan’s whispers grew to chorus on Saturday as Virginia Tech, having settled on their third string QB as their best chance to win, played one of their best games of the season. The Hokie defense blew up a number of Notre Dame drives, protecting their struggling offense. A long Irish drive early in the game ended with an interception in the red zone. But the Hokies, and their inability to move the ball, had accomplished little; after a -5 yard 3 and out, Notre Dame took the ensuing punt for a nice return and found themselves only 2 plays and 26 yards from the game’s opening score. 

 

A punt-gasm (Kirk leave me alone I’m writing. Kirk stop) followed until consecutive 15 yard penalties on the Irish gave the Hokies a short field. And while they needed a clutch fourth down completion conversion from Tech QB Qunicy Patterson to Damon Hazelton, the same pair linked up again for the tying score. But the Irish quickly answered as Book led a forceful drive on the next series. 14-7. Subsequently, the teams combined for four 3 and outs, but then a Tech fumble and methodical Irish march to the Virginia Tech 2 yard line made it seem as if the Irish had made their penance and would pull away for a solid victory; a two score lead against a team with a QB who completes less than ⅓ of his passes would probably have done it. 

 

With just 20 seconds before halftime, Notre Dame lined up at the VT 2 yard line and RB Jafar Armstrong charged ahead into the line for what would have likely been the game’s sealing points. But he didn’t bring the ball with him. It had fluttered out as if making its way to the heavens, and fittingly, Tech safety Divine Deablo (we live in a world of contrast, don’t we?) returned the fumble for 98 yards to tie the game. Despite outplaying the Hokies, it felt like Notre Dame was losing.

 

A remarkable series followed in a second half that felt intimately linear. The Hokies made good on the momentum and took a 17-14 lead with a field goal right out of the break. The Irish, so used to using excellent adjustments from Brian Kelley to take control in the third quarter, began a strong drive but saw it end as a fade into double coverage was intercepted again by Divine. While I understand Notre Dame’s aspirations for divinity, they may want to avoid it’s more nefarious personification when he’s prowling the defensive backfield.

 

Tech would go on to kick another field goal, their drives compact and somewhat plodding as Patterson wasn’t able to threaten vertically. But their inability to convert those field goals into touchdowns would spell their doom. A fascinating defensive series followed from the Hokies, in which one of their best defenders was ejected for targeting. On the next play, the Irish smartly targeted his replacement, but he nabbed a beautiful interception on a deep fade. Alas, it was cancelled out on a very questionable roughing the passer call. The Irish labored down the field, converting on a fourth down with the aid of the electric WR Chase Claypool, but surrendered 15 yards in the red zone with a chop block penalty. Pushed so far back, they had to attempt a field goal; it missed. A 17 play drive with some 45 yards of penalties exchanged yielded nothing.

The hour grew late; Tech managed a first down but the powerful Notre Dame defensive line made their first impact play in two weeks when they sacked Patterson on third down. And thus the stage was set for a Confirmation of sorts; were the Irish pretenders coasting by on a favorable schedule, or would the Good Book provide the necessary Revelations? 

 

18 tense plays. Two clutch fourth down conversions and two third down conversions, the second of which capped off their 87 yard charge when Ian Book scrambled 7 yards for the game winning touchdown with only 29 seconds left. Despite 8 incompletions and numerous failed plays, Book had turned the page and rescued the season on the game’s last drive.

 

Notre Dame struggled against a decent Virginia Tech team, despite nearly doubling both their yardage and first down production. The cataclysmic fumble for a touchdown was a 14 point swing that would have essentially sealed the game for the Irish, and Book’s two interceptions - both in the red zone - suggest, along with the statistical profile, that this game could have been a blowout were it not for crucial Irish errors(Say that phrase aloud if you want to role play as Sean Connery). And still they needed a miraculous drive to steal the win. The Irish looked decidedly average in this game, making the kind of mistakes that average teams so often fall prey to, despite controlling almost every aspect of the game flow. Coming off the kind of loss which typically refocuses teams, I’m somewhat disappointed in Book, who had such a strong 2018. While he made four crucial fourth down conversions and of course scored the season saving touchdown, he was very fortunate to not have a third interception and has pockets of game where he just doesn’t seem confident or assertive. He logged an impressive ~330 yards on a staggering 54 pass attempts but was picking on a Tech backfield that had lost both of their starting cornerbacks over the course of the game. The Irish rushing attack also failed to impress, just barely cracking 100 yards. They should have won this game by a comfortable margin, and that they didn’t suggests a gnawing sense of loss that lingered from last week. This is still a good team with some powerful players, but after a Virginia game where the defensive line put together one of the year’s most dominant performances, we had to wait until the fourth quarter to get an impact play from the group. It’s hard to project significant optimism when the fanbase was expecting a playoff run, and with two losses and no remaining games that can serve as a defining season win, this puts Notre Dame in a tough spot. 10-2 is a great record and offers chance for a fine postseason, but we can’t help but assess the program by its own standards, which leaves the Irish with Iwish.

 

This was a noble performance by Virginia Tech, down to their third string and having dealt with serious internal turmoil over the last two years. Some projections had the Hokies missing a bowl game while their somewhat unstable coach Justin Fuente reeled from his own Great Purge. The run game did pretty well considering that Notre Dame committed their entire defense to stopping it, logging 101 yards. But the lack of explosive plays meant that most Tech drives required perfect execution for some 8-15 plays, and the Hokies only touchdown drive was one in which they were given 30 penalty yards. Thus, their inability to convert their other two good drives of the day into touchdowns gave their defense very little margin for error. As the cornerbacks kept dropping out, the defense tired late; they had to defend 35 plays in the fourth quarter, and the Tech offense only had one complete drive in that time, as the last time they touched the ball they had all of 24 seconds left. It’s a tough loss in which they had a chance for a season defining win. At 5-3, things are still going better than expected. But they were generally outplayed and until their QB situation gets settled, their defense is going to face even more pressure than they did Saturday. In the flaccid ACC, it may not matter. 

 

#9 Utah - 33

Washington - 28

‘Getting the monkey off your back’ has a number of potential origins. The most prominent may arise from a 19th century financial journal which equates a mortgage as having a ‘monkey on the roof’. A mortgage, the most sought after and utilized self-ascribed burden known to man, makes a target of your home.

 

The Washington Huskies were similarly targeted at home by surging Utah. What has been a disappointing season had yet another chance for redemption for Chris Peterson and company. But Utah, who’ve had a Husky on their roof, raised their ceiling by finally shedding the Husky on their back.

 

Utah’s prominence has continually gotten capped by Peterson’s teams, dating back to his dominant tenure at Boise, when the two were Mountain West brethren. And as recently as last year, when Washington took down Utah in the PAC-12 championship game, Utah and their naturally esoteric disadvantages were once again thwarted by Peterson. Sporting a top 10 ranking with legitimate dreams ranging from a Rose Bowl to a playoff berth, the Utes had one more major test to ensure they had their shot at fulfillment. But Washington was hardly willing to back off.

 

For much of the game, the Husky’s simply appeared to be the better team. Despite an early fumble, Washington roared out to a 14-3 lead on the strength of a ‘I think I know what football is’ version of Jacob Eason, who’s inconsistencies have...dogged this team *furiously pours goblet of apple juice*. The Utes logged a field goal from the fumble, but managed little else in the half until RB Zach Moss got rolling with a series of thundering runs late in the second quarter. Nearing the end of the half, Washington faced a fourth and doable from about midfield. Peterson, clearly in ‘Well, the season is fucked anyways may as well go for it’ mode, elected to try to convert. And in what became a troubling trend, the Utah defensive line erupted through the traffic cones on Washington’s line and blew the play up. Utah scrambled a few plays together and kicked a field goal as time expired. It seemed the remind the Utes of their own expectations.

 

A promising Washington drive out of the half ended in an interception, as the offensive line was nearing their breaking point and Eason was tottering. Washington managed another stop - their defense had played very well up to this point - and used a huge play from WR Hunter Bryant to take a substantial 21-13 lead. At this point, Washington was in pretty good shape; while Eason was struggling in the face of overwhelming pressure, he was doing just enough that you figured they could put another score or two together, while the Washington defense was more or less controlling the game. And even better, Utah fumbled on their next drive. A season cleansing win was within reach for the Pups.

From that point on, Washington imploded like an animatronic beaver in an EMP storm. It began with consecutive false starts(This is a home game, mind you). Utah began to drive but was still unsure if they wanted to win, so fumbled again. As it so happened, it was an excellent fumble. After a thunderous sack set Eason back 12 yards and seemed to rattle him, Utah’s Jaylon Johnson - one of the nation’s best defenders - notched an easy pick 6, and while the 2 point conversion failed, the Washington offense had been broken. 21-19.

 

While Washington then logged consecutive three and outs - unable to preform even basic dropbacks as multiple Ute defenders came barreling through on nearly every play - Utah scored decisively on their next two drives, using a nearly symmetrical alternation between one of the PAC’s best tandems, Moss and Qb Tyler Huntley. The second of the touchdown drives saw Utah complete three different 3rd and longs. It was 33-21 in the blink of an eye.

 

But Washington was still alive, as Eason had compiled enough mistakes that he was due for some success. Converting multiple fourth downs, Washington surged down the field, set up with a first and goal with 1:52 left. Chris Peterson, known as one of the most crafty strategists in the game - anyone remember Boise State’s Statue of Liberty? - then made an unfathomable bungle. With the clock stopped, he called a timeout on first and goal.

 

Now, there are so many reasons I’m not a football coach. A) I’d rather teach my cat how to dance with me. B) I played Pokemon through highschool. C) I cry when my team loses D) (Illicit admissions redacted). But the magnitude of this error cannot be overstated. When that timeout was called, Washington’s chances of victory plummeted, by my estimation, roughly 70%(Within the already fractioned probability). Try to imagine any play over the course of a game where your chances of winning decrease by such a margin. The last time I saw something reduce odds of success by 70% is when I asked a girl out via messenger pigeon. The drop can be attributed to the fact that Washington, which had all three timeouts, could have scored, kicked the ball deep, gotten a stop, then had at least 70 seconds to try the score. Difficult, but plausible. Or they could have tried the onsides - about 17% chance - and still had their timeouts and attempted to go ~80 yards in the same time had they gotten the stop. Difficult, but plausible. When you burn a time out ON FIRST DOWN with the CLOCK STOPPED, you are reducing the entire game to the possibility of getting an onsides kick, which is, again, about a 17% chance (Sometimes lower, rarely higher). While a line of reasoning is that the above points are moot if you don’t score the touchdown in the first place, if you can’t trust your team to get a touchdown with four tries from the 8, then a timeout probably isn’t going to help. And so Washington did eventually score after an adventurous four plays - they ate a sack after the timeout, as it had given Utah a chance to reload after Washington had them on their heels in hurry up mode - but the Husky’s had only an ill-fated onsides attempt to try. Predictably, it failed.

I’d imagine my non-partisan frustration with Peterson’s call is negligible compared to the disappointment of Husky fans. We’ve gotten so used to seeing the PAC-12 as ‘Washington and the rest’ that to see them at 5-4 is rather shocking, and sorely disappointing. They’ve lost some generational players in the last few years, but Peterson is such an excellent developer and the talent on the team is still plentiful, so this lost season is rather confounding. While Eason has been inconsistent, I think it’s a classic case of a faulty car making the driver look bad. The offensive line is prone to surrendering stretches of reckless push by opposing defenders. Their run blocking rarely sees all five linemen execute on the same play. While Eason has good statistics - a 4:1 TD to interception ratio, hitting 65% of his passes - the inconsistencies of the run game and the pressure seems to rattle him for large sections of the game. And when the turnovers come, poor chance would have them be particularly devastating. I don’t think this is suggestive of a program in downturn; they’re outscoring their opponents by 12PPG, out gaining their opponents in every metric, have decent special teams, and a good defense. A low third down percentage is troubling, and they’re also surrendering at least two sacks a game on average. If I had to say the team has an achilles paw, it’d be that their fourth quarter offense clams in close games. This is a fragile team that doesn’t handle adversity very well, and it's a compounding issue that spins one loss into the next. It’s just one of those years, and it happens to good programs with some regularity. Peterson’s defining moments of 2019, in my opinion, won’t be the four tough losses; it’ll be Washington’s last 3 games and their bowl. Win out, and the team will head into 2020 knowing this was just a scramblescruff season, and I don’t think anybody will hold it against a program that is one of the country’s best.

 

Utah, meanwhile, has cleared a major hurdle. Since joining the PAC-12, it’s been a dog and pony show, with the PAC 12 playing the role of the ass while the Huskies pounded their regional mates into submission. We can hardly blame Utah; coming into a new conference has an adjustment cost, especially when Peterson’s squad was peaking and the jump is G5-to-P5. Even still, Utah has done nothing but justify their inclusion into the P5 bracket. Watching the way Utah celebrated this win, you could tell that it meant more than the average conference road victory. This was a roadblock more mental than anything, and by managing a comeback against a desperate Washington team in their own stadium, Utah’s confidence should be at an all time high. Their previous attempts have been spoiled by injuries, bad officiating, or misfortune, but the field goal at the end of the half was like a little murmur from fate promising not to get in the way. While their loss to USC earlier this year gets worse with each week, it’s forgivable; when the Trojans decide to play sports, they’re damn good, and USC is the most athletic team in the conference, which I’d say is the only aspect of this Ute team which is slightly below their aspirations. I’d like to see the defense, particularly the backfield, play with a little more intensity early; the defensive line usually improves as the game goes on, which makes it easier for the secondary late anyways. And Moss is too talented to disappear for sections of games, which has happened at various points. But no team is perfect; Utah is good enough to have a championship season, and now they’ve got Washington off their back, can proceed with every hope in hand.

 

----

Plebius is participating in a sacred ritual this weekend. A group of Antolian merchants came with strange spices; Plebius told master it would improve his civility and scurried off before he could be told to start re-yoking eggs. He was last seen stumbling out of a smokey tent with an octopus, three spoons, and a strange oblong leather ball.  With my muse absent, I will have no op-ed. 

 

-Oh, Mother, Andew has deprived us so! Whatever shall we do?

 

Weep as the trees to rainless sky. Weep as the dirge to endless war. Pass not the craven fellow your biting clench, but smile softly at his simple mind and weakly words. 

 

In other words, pity the fool who prepares to write about the Northwestern offense and allow me this omission from the weekly op-ed. When 50% of the Big Ten and Top-10 is in a bye week, my only real topic of discourse is pan-slavism and its effect on Caspian partisanship efforts to reintegrate Thermidorian moderation into swelling facist ideals of interwar Carpathian Europe. And trust me, this would be preferable to Northwestern analysis. But we are folk of passion, are we not? Reason be damned for we the B1G. Why else are we in the Midwest? Why else did our ancestors leave balmy sands and whispering grove to the forsaken tundric hellscape of the Midwest? For readers below the Mason Dixon, I thank you. For all else, may Verne have mercy on our soul. 

 

Busters and Beavers

This week’s Big Time Buster:

 

Braxton Vincet, a very special young man who doesn’t let his developmental disability get in the way of his love for football. He was featured in the Memphis game along with this week’s co-recipient, Memphis WR Damonte Coxie, who has forged a special relationship with the youngster. After Damonte singled out Braxton and gave him his gloves after a victory, Braxton’s parents said that he’s been wearing them almost non-stop ever since. Damonte took notice, and Braxton was invited to a Memphis practice where he had a blast with his newest BFF’s, trying on various pieces of too-big equipment and playing catch with his favorite player. I’m going to stop now, because a small rain cloud has emerged over my eyes. You go, Braxton, and Damonte, you’re the fuckin’ man. A hundred touchdowns later and your best stat is still the thousands you’ve touched with your compassion.

 

This week’s Beaver Meat:

In a first for the TWBM, Joe Bachie has earned his award in the truest of fashions. Bachie was suspended by the NCAA for a banned substance, which apparently, uh, includes beaver tranquilizer. Which Bachie somehow has access to. Look, I thought I was well connected because I can get a bag of low-grade Reggie Bush for .55 cents, but Bachie apparently runs dis game. Please, Joe, if you read this, call me. I really, REALLY, want to try out Beav Tranq. And furthermore, WTF is the NCAA doing testing for beaver tranquilizer? And furtherfurthermore, WHO THE F IS TRANQUILIZING BEAVERS. HOW IS ENOUGH OF THIS MADE FOR THEIR TO BE BLACK MARKET EXCESS. AND WHO THE….WHO THE F IS A BEAV TRANQ DEALER. WHY.

 

Man in tan trenchcoat down dark alley nods, clicks his tounge.

Timid acne-faced freshmen looks both ways and pushes glasses up on his nose before taking a nervous step forward.

“You look lost, kiddo.”

Kid’s legs turn to mush. “Ye- Yes, I mean - no, no, I’m not lost, I’m just - just - “

“Lucky, kid, lucky. ‘Cuz I know the way. But it ain’t back there, crawling ‘round with those squares, checkin’ back into Hotel Boring with all the other duds who’ve given up on life. Tell me, kid. You wanna have a good time?”

“Su-sure, mister.”
Dealer opens trenchcoat, various syringes glisten in the moonlight. A little whimper escapes the Freshman’s quivering lips.
“Got some velociraptor laxative, few decaf coffee patches, and some Beav Tranq.”
Freshmen gulps. Beav Tranq. He’s heard of it, of course. Who hadn’t. Damn Narcs were crawling all over campus, trying to track these bastards down. The dealer gives a slow grin. He knows the impressionable yoof when he sees ‘em. And now the kid is about to lose a whole lot more than his lunch. He’s gone too far. He was in too deep.

‘I never should have left for College’, he thinks. He coughs out a syllable. Hands over a moist wad. The dealer touches the corner of his fedora.

“We’re gonna be fast friends, kiddo. Just you watch.”

 

Months go by. Lunar cycles see three colonies of sickle moth gestate and pass on to the next realm. Freshmen is grizzled and tired, wrinkles along his scarred face. ‘Big Beav’, they call him, and truly, as ‘Beav Life’ is tattooed along his knuckles. The kids on his dorm floor give him wide berth; his former bullies have long since transferred. His clothes are black, his grades red. He’s dropped out of most of his classes but kept one so he could keep some financial aid that the sweet nectar could keep flowing.

 

He rolls in bed, syringes clattering to the floor. A ray of sunlight stabs his cornea. He realizes it’s been two weeks since he’s been outside so he decides he’ll go to his forestry class. Fuck it, he thinks. Maybe I can find some clientele, get a little action going. Gotta keep the scholarship money, anyways.

 

It’s a blur until the bus stops and they file off. The teacher purses her lips and gives a big sigh, starting to say something until she catches contact with his murky eyes. He stumbles along at some distance behind, the class reaching a small clearing in the woods. The teacher, her eyes watery, looks pointedly at him.

“I want you all to take a good look. THIS is what the cost of BT is. We’ve let you down. All of us. To allow this scourge to take root in our community. And I’m sorry. But I want you to see the cost of the BT plague! Look! Look or I’ll fail you!”

He bites his bottom lip, rubs his arm. Shoulda done up before I came, he thinks. But the teacher’s eyes puncture more than any needle. He looks up. And now that pierce is in his heart.

 

There’s a beaver in the clearing. Fur a little wet. Tail slapping aimlessly. A dental student in a white frock, shaking, breathing sharply, is brushing the teeth of the beaver. And the beaver is strapped down. Some terrible device, big and orange, a silver buckle on a strap that latches the poor thing in place. His eyes shoot down. A girl next to him don’t have the guts for it. Now the crunch of leaves like the break in his heart as she falls to her knees. He wants to cry, but long since lost the capacity. Inside him there’s a pain. A pain that even BT+ couldn’t stop. He barely notices as a somber Mark Emmert walks into the ring, his hands in his pockets, kicking at twigs. Now the Freshman, hardly fresh and too fractured to be a whole man, stumbles from tree to tree, crying out like a wounded animal...like a beaver without its tranquilizer. He finds a payphone, a little old thing crooked on a rotting pole, splinters like a porcupine. 

“M-Mom? Dad?”
He hears his father sigh, the telltale sniffling of his mother crying in the background. He closes his free hand into a fist, buries his head into his elbow.

“G - guys. I’m - I’m ready to come home.”

“Son,” his father says, barely holding back tears, his usually flat voice breaking, “It’s about dam time.”

 

Beavermeat Runner Up:

 

Willie Taggart, for getting fired after another horrendous year. Yea, a decisive loss to Miami will do that to ya. Now FSU is in a dangerous territory. A PR hire is almost necessary, and they can’t take a risk on finding the next Lincoln Riley or Kirby Smart. And how many proven championship coaches are ready to leave their already functional Death Stars? Repeat the Taggart cycle and assume the reputation of a toxic program that castrates its coaches before letting them construct their machine. A Brady Hoke means four years of misery and digging the program a further hole. College Football is brutal, unforgiving. It’s a Seminal moment in Tallahassee.

 

Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…

 

#7 Oregon flattened USC, 56-24, in a surprisingly captivating game. The Trojans jumped out to an early 10-0 lead, and it looked like it was going to get worse for the Ducks. USC was moving the ball with beautiful rhythm and flow, either burning man coverage or finding every opening in zone. USC QB Kedon Slovis was hitting 5-12 yard strikes on basically every play and was on course to throw about 70 times at a point in the early second quarter. It was the USC at their best; athletic defense doing just enough to annoy offenses into uncharacteristic mistakes while a powerful offense utilizes supremely talented wide receivers and an accurate QB to shred opposing defenses. (....) Uh, that’s a lot of praise for a team that lost by like 700. It will come to no surprise that the game turned on turnovers. USC was driving in the red zone and looking to take a 17 point lead when Slovis tossed an interception. Ducks QB Justin Herbert took advantage and dissected the Trojan defense for an impressive TD drive. On USC’s next drive, they again marched down before a fumble, which Herbert again duly took in for a touchdown. Slovis then promptly threw a pick 6. While USC did manage to log a touchdown before half - showing some really nice resilience and righting the ship, making it a 21-17 game - Oregon broke their will when they took the subsequent kickoff for a touchdown. There were only 12 seconds left in the half and now Oregon had gone from down 10 to up 28-17. You can see it, and you could feel it. The utter dismay emanating from Helton suggests a man who knew he had just lost his job, for certain, when that kickoff return went back.  

 

And on and on it went until the USC defense had lost it’s morale and the offense its confidence. It’s a damn shame, really, how fragile this team can be. Had they maintained even a fraction of their early swagger than this game would have been a four quarter brawl. A defense playing with a 17 point lead is a whole ‘nother beast than one watching their offense turn it over on three straight possessions and then watching special teams give up a TD with 12 seconds left after the tottering offense had rallied. And again the offense fought on; After Oregon went up 35-17 while easily taking the first possession of the second half for a TD, USC mounted a nice looking drive; until, that is, it was again intercepted. Oregon would score on every remaining drive - in the midst of 8 consecutive touchdown drives - and USC would punt until the backups were in.

 

I have closely followed a team that was in its death throes, with a coach who had started well but within a few years had totally lost his talented team. There’s this - I don’t know how to say it - this sludge in the air, this muck, and it begins to percolate. A dark madness that surrounds the coach like a black bubble. And it is unmistakable. It’s the game where any doubt, any uncertainty of the coach's fate is erased. If there was any hope for USC coach Clay Helton before this, it is gone. He is done. And it becomes true because he knows its true. That’s part of what made this game so compelling, even when it was in blowout territory; the explosive offenses suggested that USC could randomly turn it around and make it a game, but moreso, it’s like watching a statue topple in slow motion. The acoustics in the stadium seem to support it. The faces of the players are trying to hide it, pretend as if it’s not real. But he lost them in the second half, and he’s not getting them back. Sure, they’ll win another game. Hell, they may even win out, talented as they are. But there is no coming back from this night, when the final ties are severed. College Football, man.

 

Really nice win for the Ducks, who’ll fly back north in V formation feeling mighty fine. While USC certainly helped, they did come back from a near avalanche that hit them early, and after a slow start, completely dominated the second half. They did what a good team does, which is put upstart teams out of their misery when they are given an opening. Herbert got banged around but had an extremely efficient 225 yards, and the rushing attack showed up as the game went on and hit some big plays. While their 400 yards hardly seem enough for 56 points, note that they were 6-9 on third down and remember the turnovers. Add in the kick return, and they scored in every phase, reversing an early debacle into a sneakily good and complete team win. It’s hard to say if the Ducks have a shot at the playoffs. Perception may hold them back, even if they are a top-4 team. But how can we make that assessment without perception? It’s a duck or the egg situation. My guess is they’ll need the second SEC team to drop out - A.K.A, chaos, with Auburn saying ‘sorry’ and making up for their early season win over Oregon to upset Alabama, who beats LSU, who loses another game, and then who loses to Georgia, who … you get me? It’s an uphill battle, and it’s unfair. But it’s the reality of the PAC 12. They face an inherent disadvantage, and if the final playoff pick is between Oregon, LSU, Alabama, or Georgia, all with 12-1 records, we unfortunately all know who’s last in line.

 

#11 Auburn squeaked by Ole Miss, 20-14. Easily the best game of the year for Ole Miss, though it’s more on the close result than the statistics. Auburn dominated on that front, but exceptionally poor special teams play, turnovers, and general sloppiness meant that their 200+ yard advantage saw this came down to a final drive in which Ole Miss had about a minute with a chance to win. They couldn’t get it done and we were treated to a priceless shot of OC Rich Rod spazzing out in the press box. Now, Ole Miss has one of the best coordinator groups in the nation, in my opinion, and is essentially masquerading as a recycling bin for former head coaches who’ve been run off after near championship success; Mike Mcintyre, former Buffs head coach who lead their 2016 resurgence and Rich Rod should be able to produce solid units. Instead, Ole Miss has looked decidedly mediocre, checking all the boxes in the ‘How do we win?’ bumblage. They’re been trashed by sanctions and scandal, true, but if they can get some players, this coaching should bring them back to respectability. As for Auburn...let’s write this off as a hangover game. But this isn’t the first time they’ve played down to an opponent. We’ve seen them struggle against a number of overmatched opponents at home, and while Nix has been the whipping boy in their losses, he lit it up against the Rebels. Malzahn, and his fiery demeanor, has long struggled to bring his teams to perform from a baseline platform over the course of a season. But this also feels like Auburn charging their suck meter so they can unleash a performance against Alabama where they transform into the Alabama Patriots. Mounting losses against top-10 teams already elicits groans; if Malzahn goes 0-2 against Georgia and ‘Bama, The Plains will be in riotous mood.

 

#4 Clemson beat a trash team and I’ve got to be honest here. I am highly annoyed to see a contending team play an OOC game like this in November. Frankly, its atrocious. I’ve got nothing against Clemson, and this game was scheduled long ago; and they make good effort to play respectable OOC opponents like Texas A&M and South Carolina. But this is a terrible look for the sport. It’s freakin’ November, the month of champions, and Clemson is playing a team that sounds like a Pokemon. Idk. It just really pisses me off. 

*SEC gives wide eyed look before quietly excusing themselves from the table*

 

Pittsburg took care of Georgia Tech, 20-10, in a game in which my eyeballs actively tried to gouge themselves. This is Pitt. And we appreciate Pitt. The Pittsand effect has been well documented. While they tried to consume an annihilate themselves, GT was hesitant to approximate decency. And so here we are, Pitt quietly 6-3, with a legitimate chance to score a 9 win season in the abominable ACC. Narduzzi’s defense is just enough of a rock to offer some semblance of stability in this sickening conference.

 

Indiana crushed Northwestern, 34-3. Guys, it’s real. Indiana is at least decent. And this alone is a revelation on par with when we learned that marijuana causes Instant Death Syndrome (Thank you, Nancy Reagan, for your timeless contribution to the scientific community). I’m actually thrilled for the Hooisers. While they haven't exactly beaten any good teams - nobody better than 40th - Hoosier teams of years past would be lucky to be 5-4 against this schedule. Guys, they’re 7-2. Indiana is 7-2. And by many accounts, they could easily be 8-1, falling just inches short of a win at MSU and with only one no-show on the year against the transcendent Buckeyes. They are just solid, playing a complete brand of ball we haven’t seen in Bloomington since, like, World War .5. Even with the demolition against OSU, they’ve outscored their opponents by 120+ on the year, cumulatively. Now, the run game isn’t up to par, averaging under 4 YPC, and they need to be better about scoring TD’s in the red zone. They also lack defensive star power that has bit them. But despite a long stretch of effective quarterbacking, the position has had a major upgrade as one of the league’s best players is quietly averaging over 300 YPG in the ol’ candy red. Hooiser QB Michael Penix came back from injury and was firmly in control, playing hard and thrusting accurate passes through the deep night. You just can’t contain this Penix. And Northwestern, man, sometimes you just come across a Penix that doesn’t shrink in the moment and you just gotta swallow and move on. The season as a whole, though, won’t be easy to choke down for the Wildcats. By Bill Connely’s S&P statistical profiles, 89 FCS teams are better than Northwestern. They’ve averaged 2 PPG over October. As in, they’ve scored 6 points over an entire month. Most kickers nationwide outscored Northwestern on Saturday alone. The Wildcats have, in prior years, powered through some talent shortcomings - hardly their fault - with quasi-NFLish pro style QB’s who somehow scramboozle their way to 280 YPG and a solid rushing scheme, to say nothing of a defense that manages to be a top-20 outfit annually. But Pat Fitzgerald and the offensive staff are on the hook for failing to have a quarterback prepared for the year. They even landed a 5 star transfer from QB factory Clemson, but the poor kid is unplayable, as are the rest of ‘em. It’s beyond dismal, really. Against P5 competition, they’re averaging less than a touchdown a game. They can’t find a running back who can fall forward or evade/break tackles. No more than 2 offensive linemen can perform their blocks on a given play. By the second half the defense has had their souls consumed and energy spent and the score inflates into a blowout. Fitz needs to guillotine everyone who is remotely involved with the offense, even the Gatorade coolers. Not a single adjustment has been made, a QB developed, or scheme used to minimize their collective incompetence. Extremely disappointing for a team with a top-20 defense and that won won/swept their division last year and put up a spirited effort against Ohio State in the CCG. As for the rest...Hoosier daddy?
 

#12 Baylor held on against West Virginia, 17-14. In the show Strange Things, the upside-down is a bizarre nether world in which matter and space is topsy turvy. While Baylor is upside down and inside out from their usual form, their down to earth play style is indicative of a remarkable period of growth in which Eleven, even twelve, is close to reaching full power. That Baylor can legitimately endeavor to be a 12-0 team with a shot at a Big 12 championships just a few years removed from a program shattering scandal speaks not only to a tremendous growth on the field of play but an overhaul in program character off it. Coach Matt Rhule is your stereotypical good ol’ buster, and runs a pro-style team with strong defense, efficient offense, and a general fortitude that speaks volumes of his leadership. West Virginia, expected to be a dumpster blaze, also has impressed. They used a 14 point third quarter to make a game of it; on the strength of 8 sacks, they had a chance to tie it late with a field goal, but Baylor blocked it for the win. And let me tell you, this series was harshly unjust. WVU has had the rat plague clear out their kickers, and so they had to raid the soccer team for a replacement. With the game on the line, they trot this kid out for his first career field goal attempt. He freakin’ makes it...but West Virginia had snapped it just a half second late, and the delay of game penalty resulted in a block on the retry. Mad props to Casey Legg, who still has the name going for him. As the PH predicted, this was the high-water mark for the Mountaineers, and Baylor’s midseason clunker; both teams should be proud, Baylor for winning a game in which they didn’t play particularly well, and WVU for once again showing that they won’t be a rollover in a rebuilding year. The Bears did surrender two massive plays, one a kickoff return for a TD and the other an 83 yard strike to WR George Campbell; the Bears have got to clean this up or will find themselves playing catch up against Oklahoma. But so far, Baylor is resembling a Big 12 baler, and if they can shred Oklahoma, could elevate an already special season to unfathomable glory.

UCLA won their third straight game, beating Colorado 31-14. So, yea. Ok. 

 

There are four levels of teenager.

1. Well behaved, passive, doesn’t want anything to do with drugs, sex, parties, anything. Often grow up to be boring but somewhat useful members of society. Emotional capacity of a woodchuck. Plays golf/tennis and is surprisingly decent. 

2. Gets in trouble once or twice for a minor act of rebellion - sneaks out to play cards, texting past midnight - and prone to a few spats with parents. Skips a few homework assignments but overall functions as a well rounded people. ‘Plays good defense’ in team ball.

3. The well meaning trouble maker; loves to party, do drugs, have sex, all dat. Causes mischief around school. Somewhat combative around parents as they contest uneven maturity. Typically turns out fine, always keeps a shred of youthfulness. But their adventures are harmless, if stupid. These are the fun people but they can also be the jocks who only want to pretend to be rebels for ‘street cred’. 

4. That wierd kid who has a girlfriend in eigth grade; rumored to have had sex in the lockeroom in middleschool. Snorting mescaline as a freshmen. ‘Cool’, but their vices grew up too fast. Either very smart or very dumb, regardless doesn’t give a shit about school. Questionable future. Plays sports in black cargo pants and etnies, bonus points if they have a polo on as well. Always gets a car before you do.

 

(THE MICROASSUMPTION 4 PACK^^^)

 

Yes, UCLA is level 4 teenager. We can’t be sure what UCLA wants out of life, and they’re nothing but trouble. Without a steady hand - and we can’t be sure that coach Chip Kelly is this hand - could easily tailspin into a life of selling knock-off beanie babies by the roadside for drug money. They stomp around and scream about the trouble they create for themselves, and occasionally that is the right move that alleviates the issue. Can appear to have intelligence of an iguana but is actually quite smart when focused. And this is rare. UCLA wins and screams ‘You just don’t understand!’. They lose and scream ‘You just don’t understand!’ Unlike parents who have to bite their tounge and just sigh, we actually don’t understand, UCLA. So I’m not going to try to reason with you and provide analysis, as I would not with a rebellious teenager. They just have to get through this phase. Whether they ever grow up is an open question. 

 

Colorado is teenager level 1.5. Feels feisty on occasion but wants to be safe. Does what they’re supposed to do, generally, which unfortunately has been lose during this uneven rebuilding year. They show the promise that all youth have, but now we wonder if they’re destined to just grow into a simpleton adult, nice and productive and reasonable, and also somewhat uninteresting and mediocre. I so badly want Colorado to be good. I really do. The Buffs are a classic CFB team and there is so much to like about this team. They are unhateable, as all level 1-2’s are. But they also aren’t showing me a ton of attributes to like. And right now, that’s about it. Expectations for their growth remain moderately high. Until then, they just are hoping to fit in.

 

In other words, I am simply not going to try and make sense of PAC 12 games involving UCLA, and Colorado has a lot of growing up to do before we figure them out.

 

Virginia took down North Carolina, 38-31, in yet another thriller. The Tar Heels have had one 16 point win. Every other game has been within one score. The good news? They’ve moved up to stage two of four in the ‘win-loss’ spectrum; they’re either losing close or winning close. (Stage four is, of course, win big). The jump from stage one - lose big - to stage 2-3 is enormously hard, like getting a spaceship off the ground, but once its been powered past gravity it coasts along the atmosphere. Now getting it to space is going to take some serious calculus. On Saturday, the math wasn’t good for the NC defense; Virginia QB Bryce Perkins had his best game of the year, shredding NC for 500 total yards and five touchdowns as he completed 30 of his 38 attempts. This is the Perkins we expected; the balanced, dynamic, prudent deathwheel who controls the game. When he’s not getting distracted by pressure - the Notre Dame loss was the low point and spiraled Virginia out of the top 25 - Perkins can dominate. He let the ND loss turn into a rough mid season stretch, and coach Bronco Mendenhall has got to coach Virginia to be a little more resilient; Saturday was a big step. Virginia should assert themselves as the second best team in the ACC, and the distance between them and 3rd is substantial, in my eyes. But NC made an argument otherwise. Despite barely hitting 50% of his passes, NC QB Sam Howell continues his promising freshman campaign, logging ~350 yards and four scores. And once again, the Tar Heels played their best when facing a fourth quarter deficit. Twice down by 14 in the final frame, Howell kept hitting big plays to narrow the margin to seven. After a miserable day highlighted by poor tackling and members of the secondary stargazing, both defenses finished the game strong; The Tar Heels D gave Howell two chances for the game tying drive, but they were stopped from fourth and goal. And Virginia made another stop after that to seal the game. I want to see more out of both of these teams, and I expect big things to come in the future; anything short of 8 win seasons for both next year and I think we’ll all feel a bit miffed at the promise on display in exciting games such as this. This was a thriller where both teams can hold their heads high, and NC is on the cusp of being a really solid team. Virginia is already there, but needs to stiffen the ol’ upper lip if they want to flirt with greatness. They’re closer than they’ve been in years. 

 

#24 Memphis outlasted #16 SMU, 54-48. This was a thrilling game that unfortunately likely eliminated the G5 from major bowl contention. While the score denotes poor defense, it was equally attributable to good offense. Huge home win for Memphis, hosting College Gameday for the first time. SMU can’t be too bummed, as their magical season isn’t reduced by a single loss to a good team. The Tigers are in the driver seat for the AAC crown.

 

#17 Cincinnati survived against Eastern Carolina, 46-43. Anyone remember the late 2000’s, when the Pirates were perpetually a thorn in the side of ranked Eastern Seabord teams? I remember them beating a ranked Virginia Tech, USF, West Virginia, ect… They’re like real pirates. Slouching around the slums of Nassau with ladies of ill repute until a British Galleon calls to port, then transforming into a dedicated, disciplined bunch of scalliwags with enough force to take down a ship in the world’s most dominant navy. They’ve been miserable for quite some time now, but predictably, show up against a ranked team. Cincinnati needed an 18 point fourth quarter and last minute score to pull away, as ECU controlled most of the game. Close call, and I expect this to be the last trap for Cincinnati as they battle it out with Memphis for the AAC crown.

 

Miami beat Florida State, 27-10. You may have heard Kirk Herbstriets rant on FSU. Unfortunately, he’s right. This is a broken program that just fired its head coach in less than 2 seasons. The central thesis of Herbstreit's rant is that FSU is more interested in fighting and talking trash than playing football. He’s right. This is a team with a vocal majority that makes the entire program look bad. I had hope for FSU after they had pulled off some decent wins mid season; you could see some improvement, and they had even held second half leads in all of their losses, so it wasn’t implausible to see a legitimate bowl season suggest an improving team. But they were uninterested in a near blowout loss to a rival at home, and with a cupcake coming up, the administration felt it was the right time so the interim coach could score an easy win and maybe win back the hearts of his players. I want to commend Miami; but they beat up on a punching bag on Saturday. Still, this is a nice sign of life that suggests that the Canes can at least start beating teams that don’t show up. Diaz continues to field puzzling offensive units that seem lost, and while the defense is solid, Miami just won’t get anywhere switching QB’s every week. The offensive line is a disaster and should be the immediate focus. Once that gets sorted, we can kind of see the outline of a good team.

 

Illinois beat LOL, 38-10. Not much worth mentioning here except how happy I am for the Illini. Just a year ago this was dubbed the annual pillow fight of the century, and some would watch just for sadism. But now Illinois is beating teams they should beat, which is an enormous milestone. This is real, guys. They’re 5-4 and only need one more win to make a bowl, which is the equivalent of a Super Bowl for a program that has for so long been in turmoil. You go, Illini.

 

#14 Michigan crushed Maryland, 38-7. The announcers spent the entire game talking about how Maryland was dominating. (They barely cracked 200 total yards in garbage time). It was a somewhat lethargic effort from the Wolverines, true, but after the opening kick off was taken for a touchdown, the game was never in doubt. For Michigan to have a hangover game that results in a 31 point blowout in the road is just fine. I’m not thrilled with some of the struggles I saw on offense, which looked strikingly similar to their early season. It seems a matter of focus. When Michigan is on, they actually look really good. They’ve only allowed 400 total rushing yards in their last 6 games - almost 40% of which came when the starting unit was out - and collected another four sacks. Patterson needs to attack downfield more, and we can’t blame the offense line; the pass blocking has been excellent for quite some time now. He also often throws high on relatively routine throws. They have two sneaky hard games coming up; while MSU is DOA, they’ll play like the Alabama Patriots against Michigan, and Indiana will be jazzed up to score their first win since the 80’s. If the Wolverines play to their potential, they should get to ‘The Game’ without another loss, and may even be able to make it interesting.

 

Purdue beat Nebraska, 31-27. This is, frankly, a devastating loss for Nebraska. Any goodwill Frost had manufactured is now gone. The Huskers lost to the scorched husk of a ravaged Purdue team who is playing for nothing but pride(something that isn’t exactly in abundance for a program that has been in the dumps since Joe Tiller left). Not only this, but Nebraska lost to Purdue’s third string QB. And we have to ask; after a season in which Nebraska has shown absolutely no marked improvement - maybe penalties, if I had to find one? - is Frost the man for the job? His late season 4-1 finish last year now seems like the random variance of a mediocre team beating other mediocre teams. Their chance for a signature win @ Colorado saw them surrender an enormous second half lead before folding in overtime. And now the team, as a whole, is folding as the season goes on. We can try to look through Frosted Glass and proclaim that injures and personnel deficiencies from the debacle of the Mike Riley era are holding him back, but we’ve seen nothing that suggests that Riley couldn’t have the same middling results at this point in Frost’s career. This is some dark shit, Huskers, and truly, I sympathize. I have no idea where the program goes from here. If they can’t close the season undefeated and make a bowl, then hot damn, Frosty boi may just be melting into a puddle atop his warming seat. And Purdue - god dammit, Purdue. I am very sorry about the injuries this year. It’s pretty neat, though, that in a lost season the team can rally around a walk-on third string and squeeze out a November win against a blueblood. It’s little moments like these that can help the Boilermakers let off some steam.

 

Boston College beat Syracuse 58-27. I only mention because Syracuse gave up nearly 500 yards rushing. Rushing, not total. A total embarrassment for a team that had an incredible 2018. Defensive coordinator got fired - this is largely the same team that had a solid defense last year. Disaster and I’ve not got adequate analysis as to why.

 

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Obligatory Verne Lundquist

“The horses head...it was...it was partially eaten.”

 

WERE GOING TO MAKE HIM A PLAYCALL HE CAN’T REFUSE

….

….

….

 

Ok so what's the playca---

 

FAKE LONGSNAP SQUIB ON FIRST AND GOAL BABY

 

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Microtransgression Count - 1 ½ 

-I am chastened. A single puny #microtransgression should indicate my repent. I have learned my lesson. My many Microinfractions have culminated into a backhanded suggestive comment. The papacy weeps. NATO readies their forces. The Swiss Banking system nears insolvency. Statues of Baal worldwide crumble.

 

I will never again Microtransgress. This I swear. 

 

Instead, I will be reading HUCK FINN MICROTRANSGRESSION BITCHES I TOLD U THE BANNED BOOKS REFERENCE WAS COMING SOON. 

 

Please send grievances to:

Offices of the MicroTransgressed, 1234 Offended Drive, Aghast City.

-A dedicated team will share in your indignation and post their outrage on social media. This will truly spur social change.

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Orifice Extractions for Week 11

Peasant Omniscience to date : 65-32

I PICKED NORTHWESTERN TO WIN A FOOTBALL GAME. IF U R READING THIS FAR IN THEN YOU ALREADY KNOW I HAVE ISSUES BUT JUST IN CASE U DIDN’T CHEW ON THAT FACTOID WHILE YOU CLOSE YOUR BROWSER 

 

#1 LSU - 30

#2 Alabama - 34

 

LSU is obviously the darling in this one, and everyone is going to be fawning over a narrative of redemption and this finally being the year. Uh, yea, do you know what happens when people pick against Alabama? Have you followed this team? Tua may not be 100%, but in Tuscaloosa, the Bama defense is going to put Burrow in tough spots. Burrow will still put up 250+ but this instant classic sees Bama score late and make the winning stop.

 

#3 Ohio State - 58

Maryland - 14

 

I think McFarland remembers what he did to the Bucks last year; but it’ll only be a memory. Sure, the Terps will score on a long run or two. But this will be an annihilation. A 44 point spread sounds about right, but hot dam, that’s high.

 

#13 Minnesota - 26

#5 Penn State - 31

 

I think it’ll be late heartbreak for the Gophers. The Nittany Lions may be a little taken aback at the energy in Minneapolis, and I think Minnesota storms out to a decent lead. But they’ll make mistakes borne of emotion and let Penn State back in, and then the game will settle into an excellent contest that is decided late by Penn State’s defensive line.

 

#18 Iowa - 17

#16 Wisconsin - 24

 

This’ll be a classic Big Ten showdown in which a defensive struggle sees both teams barely cap 300 total yards. Wisconsin is reeling but an early score in Camp Randall will reinvigorate them. Stanley puts up his traditional 250 yards but the Hawkeyes have two brutal turnovers which prove decisive. Taylor bounces back with 120 yards.

 

Illinois - 16

Michigan State - 28

 

While these teams are heading in opposite directions, the Spartans will muster some motivation and put Illini QB Brandon Peters in a painful quandary. Illinois won’t be able to rely on their rushing attack and Brian Lewerke has a big day on the ground to provide a bit of a bright spot for the Spartans.

 

Purdue - 16

Northwestern - 21

 

Yo, we just went over this. Why. I honestly have serious problems. Living, adapting, thinking, stuff like that. No I will not justify my pick. 

 

Colorado - 31 

Stanford - 30

 

I think the Buffs have got to pull off another win this year. I know they’re demoralized but this is where Mel Tucker proves he’s the right man in the long term. Montez logs 280+ and 50 on the ground as Colorado gets a few turnovers, righting the ship with a morale saving win. Stanford just doesn’t bring enough firepower to really punish Colorado.

 

#20 Kansas State - 23

Texas - 34

 

I think KSU has been playing better of late, but in Austin, the Longhorns will attempt to salvage some pride. Elingher is going to will his team to victory, and though KSU makes the Longhorn secondary look bad again, Elingher is going to look like a freight train and Duvernay will finish with 120+.

 

Louisville - 29

Miami - 26

 

Miami had a nice win last week, which means they’re due for a clunker. Louisville is disappointed after a few tough losses and knows this is one of their lost chances for a semi-signature win.

 

USC - 20

Arizona State - 30

 

I think USC is a broken team following a coach who knows he’s done. I think Eno Benjamin will find the USC defense lacking motivation and will begin plowing his way to 150+ on the ground by the third quarter. We’ve seen what happens when a coach loses his team; unfortunately, a trip to Tempe was former USC coach Lane Kiffins’ nail in the coffin as well. 

 

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Closing Thoughts:

 

Yes, yes. Even I can admit that this wasn’t exactly a banner week for CFB. But you know? I got to watch some shit teams I usually don’t have the pleasure of viewing. The Command Center is often at full capacity with more reputable matchups, so to have a slower week, I got to watch Purdue-Nebraska, and *shudders* Illinois Rutgers.

 

Illinois Rutgers….
*Dream like Echoes*

 

*Andrew shoots up in bed, sweating. He’s back in his childhool room. Mom comes in and tells him to get ready for school.

 

“Are you alright, sweety?”
“Mom, I just - I just had the craziest dream. I grew up to be a cat worshiping degenerate whose blood-apple juice content is 6.7%. And I… I was falling down this pit, this dark, terrible pit. At the bottom was a football field, and, and… Rutgers and Illinois were playing.

“Oh, honey, don’t be afraid. They’re not even in the same conference!”

*Cue Star Wars lightsaber battle music. Andrew makes the Home Alone face. Montage of events that culminate with Andrew crawling into the Big Ten offices on the eve of conference expansion. A bloody note is wadded up, tumbling out of his rain soaked jacket in front of Jim Delany. Andrew dies. But Rutgers is kept out of the Big Ten, and Andrew joins the ranks of Gandhi, Jesus, and Verne Lundquist as humanities more worshipped heroes. 

 

HOSANA BAAL.