mustaches

Not dog grooming. Good news! It seems like they're shelving "In The Big House" for something else. That would seem to be this from a couple of walk-ons:

According to the facebook, anyway. It's… not dog grooming. Horrible thought: this may have no impact on dog grooming. Let's move on to happier thoughts.

Vintage Fred Jackson. Man I just don't know how does this even:

"He's got Mike Hart kind of feet, but a lot faster than Mike."

That's about Thomas Rawls, and it goes in the Fred Jackson hyperbole hall of fame. Jackson also got this quote off:

"Usually a guy with good vision is a little bit taller," Jackson said. "Thomas is probably, maybe, 5-8. He tells me he's 5-11 and I'm 6-2, I think, and I look down on him and eat soup off his head."

Why are you eating soup off of someone's head, Fred Jackson? Why is there soup there anyway? What kind of soup? Does Thomas Rawls have a circular depression in the top of his head? Doesn't that seem unsafe for a football player? Are you #$*#$ing serious about this Hart thing? Do you remember Mike Hart? Fred Jackson I am confused.

BONUS I JUST DON'T EVEN HOW DOES I DON'T MAN: Rawls has a "bete noire" tattoo for this reason:

He says it's French for "accomplish your hopes and dreams."

I do not think your tattoo means what you think it means.

BONUS BONUS FRED JACKSON JACKSON:

Jackson said Rawls also reminds him of another former Flint star, Mark Ingram, the 2009 Heisman Trophy winner at Alabama. Ingram (5-10, 215 pounds) and Rawls are similar in build.

"They were almost identical high school backs," said Jackson. "Obviously, Mark Ingram had a great (offensive) line at Alabama that helped him along, but Thomas is a lot faster than Mark, (and) has the same type of ability. I'm not trying to compare them in any way but when you watched them in high school, they were very similar running backs."

BONUS BONUS BONUS FRED JACKSON JACKSON JACKSON:

"Norfleet is as quick as any kid at Michigan since I've been here," said Jackson, in his 21st season. "I've not seen a guy that quick…."

But what about senior quarterback Denard Robinson? Is Norfleet faster?

"No, I don't think (anybody) is faster than Denard," Jackson said. "(Norfleet's) got the quickness that will put him in the same positions Denard gets in quicker than Denard will get in them."

Facial hair watch. Ace points out that walk-on and competitor at left guard Joey Burzynski has the makings of something special on his face:

With careful grooming and time, this man could be a facial hair All-American. This would give Michigan two, since Elliott Mealer either needs an acoustic guitar or a hammer fashioned by Odin to do justice to his face… thing:

STEP YOUR FACE HAIR GAME UP, KYLE KALIS WOOOOO

BONUS: Mustaches for Michigan, where have you gone?

They might do it. Brady Hoke's old defensive coordinator Rocky Long, now the head guy at San Diego State, has heard of Pulaski High School—the Arkansas outfit that never ever punts—and is thinking about doing it:

After reading articles about an idiosyncratic Arkansas high school coach who never punts, always onside kicks, and has tremendous success doing it, Long is toying with the idea for his Aztecs of no punts or field goal attempts once they’ve driven inside an opponent’s 50-yard line.

Conceivably, San Diego State would go for the first down whether it needed a couple of inches or 10 yards.

And yes, Long — who apparently hasn’t yet tried it all in his 40 years of coaching — is serious about this.

“It makes sense,” he said, seeming almost giddy in talking about the possibilities.

“Additional plays would allow you to score a lot more points,” he said. “It also puts a whole lot of pressure on the defense.”

It's not a sure thing yet, but I can't think of any better way to memorialize the WAC. Do it. You'd look so cool.

Oh my gawd. Please CBS, call this show "Boss Hog and the Zooker" and make it a crime procedural:

CBS Sports Network announces Houston Nutt will serve as studio analyst this year. He'll be joined by Ron Zook.

If college football does not take me up on my extremely reasonable plan to have JLS coach a different team on an interim basis every year, he could join up in 2013, and then our piss would indeed be hot.

Are these different? The M-Den says the basketball jerseys are different. I can't really tell:

I can still complain about it, right?

Jolly good show, catching me. I am quite elusive, you know. Fitzgerald Toussaint's OWI hearing is four days before the Alabama game. He's probably still getting suspended, but at least he's nicer than the average DUI recipient:

"He was extremely cooperative and gave us no problems at all," Saline Police Department Det. Don Lupi said Monday. "He was even more pleasant than the average drunk-driving arrestee. He was friendly and easy to deal with, unlike a lot of arrest situations."

"I say, you bobbies are really on your game."

Yes, imaginary Fitzgerald Toussaint is British. Because obviously.

The Fort. Man, running through my feeds and seeing open scrimmage reports from Arkansas and Ole Miss and Iowa plus A Lion Eye chastising himself for not checking out who the holders were at Illinois camp is a little depressing. Michigan's attitude towards this stuff is "please die, kthx." At media day it's clear the players were instructed to not answer questions about any freshmen:

I remember asking Jeremy Gallon how the freshmen receivers were coming along and his reaction was one along the lines of almost trying to keep things hush. He paused for a minute and then told me to talk to the coaches about it.

Will Campbell did the same thing on an interview I caught on WTKA.

Opening some stuff up is not just for mid-level programs (and Ole Miss), either: this space has noted some really cool access provided by Ohio State. Even Alabama, led by hater of all media Nick Saban, lets the media in to see some stuff. If Michigan's access is worse that Alabama's it's got to be the worst in the country, right?

I guess I get it since when Rodriguez was around the Free Press used the opportunity to talk to a couple freshmen to get them to issue misleading statements about how much time they were putting in, thus proving all long-held suspicions about the lizardmedia true. It's still frustrating that the hardest-hitting stuff we get is "what is your favorite Olympic event?" Not a 'wow' experience here. Someone put some pasta in a bread bowl or something.

It's on the up and up. The OHL came down harshly on Windsor for paying players under the table, which obviously never happens. My favorite part of all this is remembering the OHL's crocodile tears for their players when the NCAA was revamping their foreign player rules and hockey got an exception to keep CHL players out. They claimed it was just a shame that their entirely amateur league league was banned. Ugh. These guys are worse than the NCAA honchos.

Anyone want to bet a dollar that a pissed off Jack Campbell was a major source here? The WOTS about how these investigations came about fits Campbell's experience:

The league is choosing not to reveal names, though most believe some of the high-profile American players who played in Windsor could be responsible for the information leading to the sanctions. Some of those players were eventually traded, and it’s been suggested the trade could leave them feeling bitter and more prone to talk about their former team during an investigation.

But at least he's in the NHL already.

Etc.: More and more people are like WTF Emmert about this North Carolina thing. More photos from youth day, including a guy wearing an old old Rich Robots shirt. MVictors on achievable Michigan records. The Tigers are having a "Wolverines In The D" event next Friday—22 bucks gets you in, a shirt, and five bucks of it goes to the Pat Maloy Scholarship Fund.

History of our scoreboard by M Today / Uni concept smuggled from DB's office

Ugh what's that on the right? Is that…real? Is that blue pants? Is that the international nautical sign for the letter J on our sleeves? Naw, it's a reply by Ghost of Bo in a Diary of the Week by the same Ghost of Bo, a scathing, front-paged parody of Dave Brandon's quest to create the future. Apparently the future means M's and internet memes on everything. Like Taylor Lewan down the path of the Jake Long Experience, Michigan is still 100% on track for the future envisioned two years ago by The Shredder.

The future does not stop at scoreboards, boxes, burro-bashing left tackles, and uniforms; it goes all the way to the upper lips of every fan. This as well began in the way back of 2009, when an enterprising young man named Pat, on advice from a group of fans dedicated to putting cookie dusters back upon the labia sebucula* of all Michigan men, flipped on a video camera and filmed M fans tailgating. Thus began the legend of Pre-Game Pat. Some (I'm guessing MGoreader) interviewed him for English class and Pat posted the text of the interview as a diary.

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*I spent '09 trying to get [Mets 3rd baseman] David Wright to grow a mustache, hence the expansive vocabulary for lip whiskers, soup strainers, crumb catchers, lady ticklers, nose bugs, pushbrooms, mobile tea strainers, and the "Tiller Toothbrush."

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In the Etc. section, MiS is keeping the candle burning on Upset Watch through these dark December weeks by previewing the bowl games. Ohio is playing Utah State in Boise, which didn't Ohio get in trouble for scamming the NCAA or something? Oh wait, that's the Ohio with nine wins this year. Oooh sorry. AceUofMer is back to covering Michigan wrestling. MGoBlog Mcrecruiting analyst Ace McAnbender interviewed WR/DB Marcus McWilson, another 2013 recruit with kind of a funny name. Nothing Mc about his game though. The #8 Wolverines faced unranked Wisconsin and avoided the upset only because the bottom of the order stepped up. And finally Section 1 is mad that Bacon had his speaking engagement canceled with U-M Club Detroit, presumably because..oh hell you know why and Bacon knows why; what we don't know is why all the superfluous equine flagellation? Don't answer that.

Best of the Board (Much Better Than the Diaries This Week Anyway)

PHOTOBOMBING, or PHOTOBROPPING, or HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BROMB

So at the hockey game a few weeks ago some dude went to go get his picture taken with this year's edition of FSD's official attractive females of the species and got, well, another member of the species. Then you did this. In answer to Papa Kass, that was posted noon Friday and I write DDs on Thursday nights so the Photobomb counts as this week.

VOTE FOR ME, I'M CRAIG JAMES BIATCH!

I once took a business trip to Dallas during election season. This is how I learned that in Texas wearing a cowboy hat means you are running for office. If you're really serious you'll have a ranch or a slaughterhouse in the background. So guess who's gettin' his cowboy hat on!

On this here blog we have a strict policy of No Politics. So if the good people of Texas do the right thing, this may be the last time we ever have to talk about Craig James. That means never again having to debunk those nasty and completely false rumors about how Craig James killed five hookers while at SMU.

CAN YOU NAME THAT GAME?

I like this new challenge, posted by Yost Ghost earlier this week. The answer's in the thread but it's more fun to try to figure it out for yourself. If that one's too hard, here's some in-stadium shots from a recent home game that's a bit easier to identify.

PROJECTING CURRENT M PLAYERS IN THE NFL

SalvatoreQuattro asks who's the best pro prospect on the team? I bet every blog has this thread pop up a few times a year, and like those threads we think our guys are all about two rounds better than the NFL probably will. Ours however comes with snide asides about the owner of that NFL team with the terrible name.

"If Dan Snyder had a nickel for each time he got challenged to a karate match, he'd be... well... even more of a rich asshole."

NEWSFLASH: OHIO STATE SAYS OHIO STATE ISN'T IN TROUBLE AT ALL

Some folks this week were a little surprised when soon-to-be-Buckeye-again Bri'onte Dunn tweeted that Urban assured him there's no more sanctions coming down the line.

Could it be true? Is it possible that the NCAA is so arbitrary/blind/stupid/incompetent that the stonewalling tactics of Ohio State actually worked? Is it even within the realm of possibility that the net result of practicegate ends up tangibly twice as damaging as 10 years of blatant violations involving everyone up to the president because Michigan made the spectacularly bad decision to fully cooperate and accept responsibility? Did the league really throw up its hands the minute their best witness got in whatever car Gee's buddy was currently lending him and drove it straight to the NFL?

Um, Yes. Hi, NCAA, Ohio State's bitch, have we met?

Does Urban know something we don't? Well where do you think Meyer's getting it from? He's getting it from Smith, who thinks this whole thing should have been a two-game suspension for Tress. Or he's getting it from Gee, who is sure Ohio State has done nothing wrong because he didn't know, understand?

This is a way better defense than “We own the mistakes we have made,” or "We're sorry we accidentally practiced too much because nobody knows what counts as stretching; here's an exhaustive report on everything ever along with our recommendation for tangible, practical punishments that double in damages the benefits over our competition that we didn't receive." This response netted Michigan three years of probation (NCAA tacked on the third under its "always add something to show we're hard asses" policy) and 130 hours of lost practice time, not to mention a lifetime of having to explain NCAA's definition of "major violations" to stupid people.

Now watch a pro work:

People: Mr. Gee, if everything was the fault of Jim Tressell and firing him was your sole act of contrition, why was he invited back to talk to (i.e. coach) the team before the Michigan game?

Gee: It's cool guy, because, see, I didn't know about it. It was the players who wanted it (thanks uncle of UMxWolverines!).

Now look at the results. Gee deserves a raise. Oh wait, he just got one.

NEWSFLASH: MICHIGAN STADIUM HAS LOTS OF FANS IN IT

The 2011 attendance figures are out and this time we are very happy they don't count the 4th quarter of the WMU game. Unsurprisingly Michigan Stadium can fit a lot of people; we led the nation with 112,000 in attendance per. That's 102% capacity. TCU had 112% capacity. Considering a stadium at 102% capacity feels a lot like an elevator at 200% capacity, I'm kind of glad I'm not a Horned Frog right now. It's not even a frog; it's a lizard.

FERGODSAKES T-SHIRTS SELLING LIKE HOT CAKES NORTH OF OHIO

We had a question from one JeremyB about why he can't get him some "Michigan Fergodsakes" t-shirts. Good news Jeremy, you can get these babies in the MGoStore, minus the "MICHIGAN" part because copyright and what what. I was looking on the store this morning (it's just a few clicks away) and sales of shirts like these have gone way up recently. I think it's because Hoke has changed the tide on the rivalry. Hell people in Ohio are starting to order these shirts. Never in a million years I would have thought that. Selling Fergodsakes jerseys is a good start.

LET'S TAKE A THREAD TO APPRECIATE HEININGER

Okay.

BACK THE F OFF OUR GUYS MEYER/MUSCHAMP

Florida fans imagine they can poach Borges. Ohio State fans imagine they can poach Kalis. The proper response is to laugh in the face of such people until their eyes fill with the sudden realization of the utter lack of value in their existence, then angrily insist they remove their worthless subhuman forms from your presence, preferably following that with an act that is anatomically impossible. I do not know if that's how it went down, but you should know Urban isn't recruiting Kalis anymore and Borges isn't going anywhere. Would that we could say the same to people (probably Sparties) who want to move The Game to October.

SOMETHING FUNNY THIS WAY COMES

Six Zero posted the logo…and that's it. The new MGoComic strip starts Jan. 1. You're a tease, Six. A total tease.

HOW DO WE SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM HOKE, DENARD, BORGES, MATTISON, AND LLOYD BRADY?

Like ah This:

Yeah jibjab.

score

epic win

In the future they'll call them Lonbrays. You know who else has joined the Braylon Edwards Historical Reenactment Society? Braylon Edwards:

As soon as he finishes this interview he's going to have a gangrenous limb sawed off and receive the couriers bringing word of Lee's progress across Virginia.  (HT to MGoShoe.)

In other facial hair news, Mustaches for Michigan is launching the 2010 campaign.

Braylon's in. Are you? Is "Civil War Facial Hair For Michigan" in the offing? 

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Not really, desperate newspaper executives, but Darren Everson provides some reason for hope going into year three of the Rodriguez era:

Year three, statistically speaking, is when it all starts to come together—when the no-longer-new coach's recruits and systems settle into place, and the team reaches new heights. The records of college football's current major-conference coaches bear this out: They had a .548 win percentage in years one and two combined, then a .627 mark in year three.

This bodes well for our current head man, Rich Neuheisel, Bo Pelini, Bobby Petrino… and uh… Paul Wulff.

Right before practice. This is probably the second-best thing in the history of MVictors' trawling of Michigan's football heritage, a form Fritz Crisler had one Tom Harmon fill out before the 1939 season:

#1 is still the drunk guy trying to tackle Harmon, but it's close.

Half the specialists should be fine. Excellent dairy from "Wonk" addresses Michigan's punting situation by looking at the recent track record of true freshman at the position. It's not exactly quarterback:

The total averages for all of the years:

• Average Rank: 73.42
• Average Punting Average: 39.30 yards (editors note: yecch)
• Average Rivals Rating (for those who were actually rated): 5.21

So a true freshman punter is going to be just a little below average, as you might expect, and Hagerup comes in with more recruiting pedigree than anyone save Zoltan (38th in 2006) and Wisconsin's Brad Nortman (32nd in 2008). Hagerup should be fine.

Another winner. The first time a coach does something self-evidently petty and dickish, you can write it off as generic coach stuff. They've very stressed people. The second time approaches a trend, and Derek Dooley has just executed Dick Move 2 in his first offseason as Tennessee's coach:

As of Tuesday, a Tennessee spokesman said that request had come without a face-to-face meeting with Dooley, who seemed to confirm to the Knoxville News-Sentinel that he hadn't talked with the younger Brown at all throughout the saga: "The reason it has continued on (since the spring) is because Bryce has not come to me, looked me in the eye and said 'I want a release to so-and-so school.' At some point, that's got to happen." Arthur Brown told Schad, however, that there was a meeting between Dooley and Bryce last Saturday, before Bryce returned home to Kansas, which Dooley mysteriously asked the family to keep under wraps.

So not only is he not releasing Bryce Brown to Kansas State—who is not on Tennessee's schedule for the duration of his eligiblity—but he attempted to keep a meeting between the two parties secret, then lied to the media about whether it had taken place in an effort to make his decision seem more legitimate. This comes on the heels of his petulant decision to make Aaron Douglas transfer at least eight hours from Tennessee's campus (and his home). Douglas ended up at an Arizona JC; hopefully he'll cool his heels for a year and then stick it to Dooley by transferring back to the SEC.

Tennessee hasn't even played a game since the unceremonious end of the Kiffin era and the tune is already sounding disturbingly similar when it comes to euphemisms:

This story does once again confirm the notion that Dooley plays things close to the vest, having met with Brown on Saturday but denying it in the media.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles:

Lane Kiffin Knows Exactly what he is doing

…Kiffin's schtic [schtic sic] in the SEC did exactly what he wanted it to do. Gain attention for his program, he admitted as much in Part II of my interview with Kiffin at the Pac-10's media event here in NYC.

Sure he does. Note: USC is down to 71 scholarship players and will lose 20 seniors this offseason, of whom they can replace 15. They'll be down to 66 next year if they miraculously suffer zero attrition.

(HT: Team Speed Kills.)

Fiutakin' it. Via WolverineWill, Rick Reilly takes up the banner for Lane Kiffin. It was inevitable that some sportswriter would do this eventually, and it was just as inevitable that it would be shoddily argued to the point that it could appear on CFN:

And don't forget, Kiffin knew USC was about to be hit with some whopper sanctions by the NCAA over the Reggie Bush case, sanctions he had no hand in creating. He came anyway. And now that the sanctions are twice as bad as he thought they'd be, is he leaving? Is he complaining? No, he's trying to make filet mignon out of horse meat. He's stuck with 71 players when every other team with have 85. He's stuck with trying to sell kids on a school that will have no bowl games for two years and a Swiss-cheese roster.

Lane Kiffin told every high school kid in America that USC was going to get a stern look and a belly rub from the NCAA, so either he didn't know USC was going to get nailed or he merrily lied to USC's entire recruiting class. Also he is complaining. Rick Reilly is Fiutakin' it, man.

Etc.: GS continues its series on the instate recruiting war by looking at some recent history. You probably already know the way this ends—recruiting 40% of the top-quality instate prospects and a bunch of the rest gives you a program that looks a lot like Michigan State.

Michigan has a long, rich tradition with the mustache. I mean look at these guys from 1885, 1904, and 1975:

Bam. Ladies, take a moment to catch your breath. Gentlemen, ponder the possibilities inherent in a luxurious, warming lip cover. If you had a mustache you wouldn't have to wonder if people were looking at that little thing in the middle of your lip, you know, the dent, and then you wouldn't have to wonder what that was called. Think of how productive you would be. And think of all the chicks you would score. They'd fall out of helicopters.

Now consider this in the context of Michigan and going "All In" for it.

As Michigan Alumni, we are here to say that we support you, Rich. We support Michigan. And we're showing it with our mustaches. We'll be growing beards during the month of August, and on September 5th, we'll be sporting serious staches for that first game. Go Blue.

You've got a little over three weeks, which disqualifies 15-year olds, women, and Kevin Meyer, one of my housemates from back in the day. Everyone else should do it. you'll look like Tom Selleck, I promise. Even Tim Tebow is doing it. You wouldn't turn your back on Tebow, would you?