bend but don't break

10/1/2022 – Michigan 27, Iowa 14 – 5-0, 2-0 Big Ten

On the podcast this week we had a conversation about whether we were nervous. At any point, in a game against Iowa at Kinnick, did we feel the cold hand of death creep over us? Answers varied, with the Sklar Brothers on team "disaster may befall us at any moment" but the rest of the podcast crew fairly relaxed, with the occasional twinge of worry.

In Alex's case this is easily explained: he is twenty-three and has not had time in which to develop a truly deep-seated mania. A rat exposed to weird mistreatment may recover if negative external stimulus is replaced with fluffy rabbits in time. Alex was five when the Long Dark started, and presumably was more interested in fire trucks and ninja-kicking his (hypothetical?) sister than contemplating why the universe was an Akron teenager's NCAA Football save.

When Alex says the universe is not that and is instead an ever-expanding void filled with the occasional particle; when he says that events are not shaped around causing maximum misery to people who attended school in a particular bucolic Midwestern city; when he says that there is not a malevolent entity wholeheartedly dedicated to causing myself and people like me unreasonable pain… well, that is the naïveté of youth speaking. Hopeless, bountiful optimism. He is a child skipping through a field of dandelions, oblivious to life's cruel realities.

It is only we, his elders and betters, who know that all events are twisted around a fiendish core dedicated to nothing other than our mental dissolution and eventual destruction. So the question is: what is wrong with Seth and I?

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The story of the last 20 years of being a Michigan fan is gradually getting the arrogance beaten out of you. I remember being in the stands for that Northwestern game against Darnell Autry and the rest of those guys, the Rose Bowl Northwestern team. Northwestern had the lead, and I was irritated, because it would look bad for the voters on Monday. Northwestern still had the lead later, and there was the slight twinge of concern that if Michigan didn't get their butts in gear that they could actually lose. Then they lost, and it was incomprehensible.

Somehow that incomprehensibility-in-the-moment lasted and lasted and lasted even though Michigan kept playing games like this against their purported lessers. They had a special kink for losing 18-point leads under Carr. Michigan State started being a thing. Ohio State stopped being a Jon Cooper joint. And even through all that you thought to yourself "surely, this one can't be like that. This is Michigan."

But when things flipped, things flipped. That perpetual wave of ignorant optimism was replaced by a belief that as soon as one thing went wrong the avalanche was loosed. This space called it the Black Pit of Negative Expectations after a particularly dispiriting season-opening loss to Notre Dame:

The BPONE is a state of mind in which no part of a football game is enjoyable because it is merely a prelude to some pratfall made more embarrassing and or painful by whatever minimal, temporary successes are experienced prior to the pratfall. Thus a kick return touchdown—that rarest butterfly, one the game is steadily trying to erase—during which your author's only reaction was internal and, I quote, "whoop-de-damn-do." …

The flaw in BPONE operations is of course the impossibility of mining any enjoyment out of your experience. BPONE sufferers assume a football game is a negative emotional event and spread those negative emotions out more broadly. Only if the team should actually come back and win will any regret be felt, and pffffffffft. I'm in the pit, baby! I know for a stone cold fact that a punt snap will somehow lodge itself in the facemask of the punter. I feel it in my bones that the one time we jump a route in this game the ensuing interception will bang off the defensive back's hands and lodge itself in the facemask of the opposition 50 yards downfield.

Every season started with a guillotine at the end of it; the previous eleven games were merely a Cardassian trial where we discovered what the crimes that justified the sentence were.

And then, last year.

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Turns out it only takes one counter-example to flip that switch back. Maybe not all the way to considering the rest of the Big Ten to be useless peons, but back to watching a football game with some level of rationality. Back to watching Michigan fumble it backwards to their own two and thinking "wow, good thing Donovan Edwards was paying attention" instead of "oh God, here it comes."

Maybe this has to do with the density of mistakes prior. Michigan opened this game with an immaculate 10-play touchdown drive against SP+'s #1 defense, and prior to that event the only reason they hadn't scored on a drive against that defense was an offensive lineman stepping on the quarterback's foot. (Another event that could have caused a reality-breaking cascade in different circumstances.) Goobery pratfall type events were limited to that and one (1) delay of game penalty.

It may in fact be rational to expect Michigan to soldier through one mistake or three, because they no longer feel like a rickety wagon held together by the odd five-star, but rather a team that goes about its business efficiently. This is college football, so that feeling is an illusion that may well get blown up by, like, Illinois or something. But when this happens I will be surprised again, at long last.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

mmm flat person [Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1 Mike Morris. An important part of a Michigan defense that strangled the Iowa ground game and despite limited opportunities turned in an eye-popping pass-rush line with two sacks and two QB hurries, three of them generated by beating blockers—just one stunt loop. A palpable blip as Michigan looks for organic pass rush in the back half of the season.

#2 Blake Corum. 29 carries, 133 yards, one All-American linebacker dusted and done on one of the few opportunities he had to do something without Iowa's passive umbrella of a defense coming down to prevent fancy long runs. Added to short-yardage/YAC reel considerably. Also caught a couple of passes.

#3 The offensive line. The steady drumbeat of advancement was made possible by Michigan controlling, and sometimes crumpling, a veteran, very good Iowa defensive line. Aside from a couple of what looked like Trente Jones missed assignments the pass protection was excellent, as well.

Honorable mention: Eyabi Okie was the other half of Michigan's obliterating pass rush on the four-and-out Iowa desperation drive; he also turned in a couple plays against the run earlier in the game. JJ McCarthy didn't put up big numbers but didn't put anything in harm's way and made the occasional capital-P Play. Mazi Smith, Kris Jenkins, and Mason Graham won pretty decisively against the Iowa IOL. Luke Schoonmaker was again Michigan's leading receiver and continued his string of excellent blocking performances.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

23: Blake Corum (#2 CSU, #2 Hawaii, HM UConn, #1 Maryland, #2 Iowa)
15: JJ McCarthy (#1 Hawaii, #2 UConn, HM Maryland, HM Iowa)
12: Mazi Smith (#1 CSU, T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, HM Iowa)
11: Mike Morris (T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, #1 Iowa)
10: Ronnie Bell (HM CSU, HM Hawaii, #1 UConn)
6: Gemon Green (HM UConn, T2 Maryland), Kris Jenkins (#3 UConn, T3 Hawaii, HM Iowa)
5: DJ Turner (T2 Maryland)
4: Junior Colson (#3 CSU, HM UConn)
3: Luke Schoonmaker (T3 Maryland, HM Iowa), The Offensive Line (#3 Iowa).
2: Roman Wilson (HM CSU, HM Hawaii), Max Bredeson (T3 Maryland), Joel Honigford (T3 Maryland), Eyabi Okie (HM CSU, HM Iowa), Mason Graham (HM Hawaii, HM Iowa)
1: Braiden McGregor (HM CSU), Derrick Moore (HM CSU), Jaylen Harrell (HM CSU), Rod Moore (HM CSU), Makari Paige (HM Hawaii), Rayshaun Benny (HM Hawaii), Cornelius Johnson (HM Hawaii), Donovan Edwards (HM Hawaii), AJ Henning (HM UConn),  Caden Kolesar (HM UConn), Mike Sainristil (HM Maryland), RJ Moten (HM Maryland).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Michigan's first drive is a clockwork marvel of bending and then breaking the Iowa defense.

Honorable mention: Iowa's last meaningful drive is two sacks and two not-quite sacks. Blake Corum dusts Iowa's star MLB for a cherry-on-top touchdown.

?MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

A missed assignment from Jones gets McCarthy lit up and causes a backward pass that 1) is Iowa's most threatening play of the game at that point and 2) sets up a failed drive and short punt that puts Iowa on the field in plus territory and sets up the touchdown drive that puts us in too-close-to-gloat territory.

Honorable mention: Zinter steps on McCarthy's foot to hamstring Michigan's second drive. Caden Kolesar gets hurt covering a punt. Mike Sainristil gets lost on third and twenty-two.

9/7/2013 – Michigan 41, Notre Dame 30 – 2-0

Eric Upchurch

The media trend of the last ten years is a demonstration of the power of hope. There are now three national networks covering recruiting, plus ESPN, plus a cottage industry of who-dat bloggers who get picked up by these national networks far faster than actual journalism majors get picked up by, you know, newspapers. (Michigan has no journalism major, which explains why you can't throw a rock at a sports editor without causing him to hire a Daily grad.) This site alone saw two guys snapped up and almost hired a third who was snapped up just a bit later. Meanwhile, newspapers continue to give us Drew Sharp and wonder why they're withering on the vine.

Here's all you need to know about recruiting sites: they can charge for content on the internet. Hope, man. Hope.

Because the next guy is always going to be The Guy. The Guy will rescue us from the purgatory of not being Alabama and deliver us unto glory. He may be a defensive back, or a running back, or a quarterback, or a defensive lineman. He is going to be Woodson or Adrian Peterson or Andrew Luck or Jadeveon Clowney—except Clowney's defense just got torched for 41 points and lost.

Jadeveon Clowney! Indisputably The Guy, and somehow still not. If Jadeveon Clowney can't be the guy, well… there's always the recruiting sites. It's college football. The next arrival is always just around the corner.

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Devin Gardner turned in what I can confidently state is the worst play in the history of organized football—I have watched all of it from Pop Warner on up—and was still awesome Saturday night. Awesome. I do not mean this in the Spots-gave-me-extra-wings way. I mean this in the light-from-the-sky, tremble-at-the-power, bow-down-lest-we-all-perish kind of way. If I could use the words "yea" and "lo" genuinely, I would deploy them now. The numbers are amazing. The numbers do not do it justice.

Here's the thing about Notre Dame's defense: it's going to be just fine. Gardner ate plenty of defensive lineman Saturday, usually after delivering a perfectly-placed dart. Notre Dame blitzed him almost two-thirds of the time and got the one huge mistake and nothing else. Notre Dame defensive backs were, with rare exceptions, in position to make a play on anything other than a perfectly-placed ball. They could not make plays without committing pass interference, called or not, because Devin Gardner was spitting hot death all night long.

If you happen to rewatch that game you'll see did-that-just-happen surgical strikes even more impressive the second time around.

On third and goal from the 14, Drew Dileo screwed up his route. He ran next to Gallon, bringing a third defender into the area. Gardner fired a ball in between all three guys that hit Gallon in the hands instead of the chest because KeiVarae Russell was riding him like a horse. Earlier in the drive he'd tossed up that back-shoulder throw that he might have been attempting against Central Michigan when he got hit, and Gallon plucked it out of the air. Russell was there. He just couldn't do anything about it.

By the fourth quarter, Gardner and Gallon had become so proficient at the back shoulder fade that Notre Dame was actually sitting on it, which I have never seen before. There were a lot of things last night that I haven't seen before in a winged helmet, that have traditionally been the province of passing specialists like Texas Tech. They tried to man up Crab, once, and Texas Tech beat the #1 team in the country without a running game or defense. Michigan has at least one of those.

In the aftermath, Michael Crabtree looked a lot like you did at some point last night:

IS THIS REAL LIFE

Oh and Gardner led the team in rushing at 7.5 yards an attempt. He might be The Guy. Gardner hinted at this kind of thing over the last six games, and now he has delivered. You could feel it coming, maybe, but Michigan just graduated a guy who was The Guy, like Jadeveon Clowney is, and could not get over the hump, like Clowney. Even in the world where talent comes through it doesn't always end up steamrolling the opposition.

Devin Gardner just left Notre Dame a two-dimensional smudge in the rear view mirror, and now it's downhill for a while. Shovel on a little more coal, and let's watch old 98 roll.

Highlights

Parkinggod has the Michigan stuff:

And Notre Dame has some things that Notre Dame did right:

Pressers are available from Maize and Blue News.

Gardner thing from Gameday:

Also a lady got hit real hard.

Awards

Brady Hoke Epic Double Point Of The Week. How does a guy who threw four touchdowns at nearly 10 YPA and ran for 90 additional yards split this award? Well, to get the award by himself he has to be a separate entity from guy who caught eight of his passes for 184 yards. This does not appear to be the case. DevinJeremy GardnerGallon, come on down.

Honorable Mention. Thomas Gordon and Jarrod Wilson (invisible all game in a good way), Drew Dileo (THROW IT TO DILEO), Brendan Gibbons (your record-holder for kicking consistency /2009 version of your head explodes), Blake Countess (drifted off his man for critical INT), Brian Kelly (thanks for not running the ball).

SPECIAL NEW RULE. Doubling points from this game because I can.

Epic Double Point Standings.

1.0: Devin Gardner (ND), Jeremy Gallon (ND)
0.5: Cam Gordon (CMU), Brennen Beyer (CMU)

Brady Hoke Epic Double Fist-Pump Of The Week. Since it featured Borges screwing with ND, an NFL dart from Gardner, a crazy spin move from Gallon, and Chesson The Destroyer reveling in the blood of the fallen, this is an easy pick:

Honorable mention: Countess's game-changing interception, Jeremy Jackson catching a long handoff for seven yards because ND is playing in the parking lot against Jeremy Jackson for some reason, Fitz Toussaint using a tackle attempt as an awesome juke to dart 20 yards when Michigan really needed something, either of Gardner's perfect back-shoulder throws to Gallon, Gardner nailing Gallon 40 yards downfield, and Gardner taking off on a zone read so open you'd think Stephen Threet was running it.

Epic Double Fist-Pumps Past.

8/31/2013: Dymonte Thomas introduces himself by blocking a punt.
9/7/2013: Jeremy Gallon spins through four Notre Dame defenders for a 61-yard touchdown.

[After THE JUMP: offense, defense, and everything in-between. Plus incredible chicken gif!]