Subcomandante Wayne Demands Your Attention

Submitted by Subcomandante Wayne on January 5th, 2009 at 4:07 PM

Wassup bitchez! It’s the Subcommandante back to take his place as the rightful place as Buckeye Master of mgoblog. That shifty hippie from up north tried to relocate his base of operations, but luckily my WoW clan got on a group mission to find this shit. Today I’m here to tell y’ll about why you guys should represent with THE REPUBLIC OF UZBUCKISTAN in tonight’s Fiesta Bowl! The Subcommandante won’t be making it to this year’s bowl game. Kinkos dropped the Subcommandante after the third unsuccessful stint with them. I mean what’s the point in random drug testing anyways?

Reason #1 should be obvious enough. BUCKEYES RULE! We’ve pwn’d you guys for the last eleventy billion years. Anyone facing that domination should obviously be enslaved to their conquerors. That said, big daddy Tressel dictates you root for the buckeyes you half-wit pusserines.

Reason #2 is the Beanie. Like my mom says every night when we gather around the television downstairs, you can’t hate a man named Beanie. Then again, I occasionally hear her scream his name in the middle of the night during the offseason right before I hear a door slam and some dude outside yell “You wasn’t that good bitch!” But yeah, Beanie Wells is the shit, as proven by 15 carries for 8.9 yards per carry in yet another The Ohio State blowout of your crappy excuse of a team. If I didn’t get such a massive hard on for watching the Loserines suffering so much, me and Jimmy T probably would have jumped ship in my Grand AM and hit up Vanessa for a wicked threesome. No way I’d miss that shit though.


Pwning Michigan N00bs Since '08

Reason #3 is Pryor. Hell yeah you want him, but he chose The Ohio State University instead of that crap school up north. But you know what, you want him more than I want to Wendy Cook from Bristol’s baby while getting a BuckNut job from Sarah herself. Ain’t nothing like it my friends. And there ain’t nothing like Terrelle Pryor either.

Reason #4 is Texas is land of steers and queers. And while these guys appear to be some sort of steer, or ball-less male bull of some sort, they most certainly are not. Don’t let them fool you with names like Colt. Hell, that kid in Three Ninjas was named Colt and he wasn’t a steer either. They’re all queers. You can’t love queers or that makes you a queer? Get it queers?

Love me, men of America

Reason #4 is the spread. You know you miss the Hall of Fame Cooper years when we let you guys win a few here and there just because you ran a respectable offense. A run oriented smash mouth football offense. You guys used to at least be respectable in that. Now you guys are wasting away like my buddy Doug down in Franklin County. You guys are depressed and getting taken behind the barn by less criminals like that other crappy school from up north. You guys are becoming Michigan State. You know you want the spread to die, and the best way to kick that off is The Ohio State beating the Blowhorns.

Reason #5, hell, we don’t need a reason #5. Hell, we don’t even really need you. You guys SUCK. When you see Coeckman and Pryor hook up for that first touchdown pass in the first minute and never look back, you’ll know that the Buckeyes are the shit and you will always just be that school that used to be decent, but always less than The Ohio State University.

Alright I got to get back to the WoW clan because we’ve got to get this quest objective finished, something that can’t be done without my Level 201 Tauren Druid.

GO BUCKEYES!!! I’m gone as fast as you’re team’s bowl streak.

Comments

IM4UMich

January 5th, 2009 at 4:26 PM ^

Par for the course of OSU fans, his reasons you should watch this game are listed in the following numerical order:

1
2
3
4
4
5

Mindless nonsense that's posted on an intelligent Web site is still mindless nonsense. We already have THE KNOWLEDGE.

UMVTSplitPersonality

January 5th, 2009 at 4:34 PM ^

I would have stayed in Columbus. IM4UMich beat me to the punch on the whole inability to count aspect, so all I can say is leave it to an OSU fan to use Nickelback as an intro...God, how I loathe Nickelback.

bhallpm

January 5th, 2009 at 4:42 PM ^

night and is in a fine mood. Good on you subcomandante. We know we are the leaders and best. And we appreciate the laughs. You are always welcome here. Just member to wipe your feet before entering. And let us know if the little big woman is coming with you. We'll order some more of those crazy breads she loves.

Wonk

January 5th, 2009 at 5:26 PM ^

Why couldn't blogs have existed in 1995, 1996, or 1997?

Spamming "313 yards lol lol lol" over and over again at alt.buckeye just didn't carry the same emotional weight.

TIMMMAAY

January 5th, 2009 at 6:52 PM ^

I am an idiot. I've been lurking here for about 18 months, just didn't sign up for a while. I don't remember this guy. Can you link his older stuff (if its still accessible)?
This was supposed to respond to Chitown.

chitownblue (not verified)

January 5th, 2009 at 6:53 PM ^

It's not really this site's joke, though Brian has linked to it. Google "subcomandante wayne" and "edsbs", and you'll get the idea.

chitownblue (not verified)

January 5th, 2009 at 6:56 PM ^

However, you'd think that the fact it's labeled "parody" would be enough to tip people off that it's a parody.

befuggled

January 5th, 2009 at 10:08 PM ^

Frankly, the Nickelback video was the giveaway for me. I didn't have to go much further.

By the way, it turns out that Nickelback is actually much worse than I remembered. It turns out that the stuff I hated was their good material.

In other news, the Texas marching band is now doing Stairway to Heaven. But it sounds better than Nickelback!

BlueNote

January 6th, 2009 at 1:02 AM ^

Not only is it parody, but it's really good stuff. Thanks for the laughs. You've mastered the homophobic, trash-talking, trashy, clannish, unable-to-count Buckeye stereotype. I have to admit, though, the hippy angle kind of throws me off.