Fall Camp Presser Transcript 8-22-13: Brady Hoke

Fall Camp Presser Transcript 8-22-13: Brady Hoke

Submitted by Heiko on August 23rd, 2013 at 1:53 PM

Bullets:

  • Shane Morris is the backup QB.
  • No decision on center or left guard yet, where Jack Miller, Graham Glasgow, and Chris Bryant are playing musical chairs. 
  • Michigan has a lot of receivers whose first names start with the letter "J."
  • Matt Wile will handle all kicking duties other than regular field goals and PATs.
  • Norfleet is the kick returner. Norfleet will probably be the punt returner. Norfleet4Life.

-----------------------------

Opening remarks:

"We have nine games before we open up and Team 134 gets an opportunity for their first impression. I think we've had a very good camp. We have two days left of camp, and tomorrow we'll start looking more at Central Michigan, scout teams, look teams, that sort of thing. The coaches have already been breaking down that opponent in the summer. Really the last couple days, [we'll be] getting back to it a little more at the stadium, [run] about the half the number of plays of Saturday's scrimmage. I thought we came out, played hard. I think we'll get some answers on some rotations or spots, if you want to call them that as we look at the tape tonight and keep evaluating through the end of camp."

Dear Diary Believes in Progressions

Dear Diary Believes in Progressions

Submitted by Seth on August 23rd, 2013 at 11:10 AM

Another reminder: first-ever MGoTailgate on the Friday night (Sept 6) before Notre Dame. We'll be at the MGoPatio on Berkeley Street (second house on the right coming from the stadium), gathering at 7pm and Marlin arriving for a Q&A at 8.

Now onto the user content, where Denard still exists, although in weird colors:

"Superman never wore black." –Lois Lane

DGDestroys put every Robinson play from the Jacksonville/NYJets preseason game into that enjoyable but sad-in-the-same-kind-of-Johnny-RBUAS-way-that-Mike_Hart's-face-on-the-Colts-was-sad video. Also weird: David Harris with a late hit on Denard. Somewhere out there is an imaginary guy I argued with a lot in 2010 who reads something into that. I still hate that guy.

It's on-topic season again. How do we know? Because the diaries section is back to producing content on a level that Brian has to usually pay us to write. All Stars making their triumphant return this week include MCalibur, Eye of the Tiger, and ClearEyesFullHart.

pachelbel 
Johnny Pachelbel, offensive coordinator
for the Nuremberg Baroques

Let's start with MCalibur because he uses all the same references I know, starting with Canon in D, a classical chord arrangement you probably know from attending weddings or, like, half of all songs ever written.* This is all a setup for his new metric, an expectation of wins based off net yards per game and turnover margins. Significantly, Ohio State was the extreme outlier, winning four+ more games than the 7.8 they should have by their yardage and turnover margins. And this happens to them a lot. Michigan was a game better, Michigan State two games worse. Notre Dame, Nebraska and Northwestern won two more games than they should have.

Thing: the seven teams in his study whose defense was their better unit last year (ND, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, MSU, Iowa) were a net –2, while the six (OSU, Neb, NW, PSU, Purdue, Indiana) whose offense was its better unit were a net +7. Sample way too small but it doesn't say much for "Defense wins championships." I also compared special teams (by both FEI rank and field position rank) of over- vs under-performers and there was zero correlation there. Strength of schedule didn't explain it either (Michigan had the 3rd best SOS and finished +1).

Eye of the Tiger reprised his "Tea Leaves" prediction from last year. Last time it was "which Star Wars episode will we be?" This time it's "Which Song of Ice and Fire Novel?" ranging from the one where all the kings are finally waging war and surviving sieges to the one where GRRM just can't get over how useless nipples are on a breastplate.

[Jump for Diarist of the Week, Best of Board, Zen]

Tomnard Brobinson And Other Frankenplayers

Tomnard Brobinson And Other Frankenplayers

Submitted by Ace on May 7th, 2013 at 3:05 PM

Photoshop is a very dangerous tool if left in the wrong hands, which is why nobody should've ever let me get a copy of CS5. Seth's post this morning contained this nightmare-fuelish mashup of Jordan Kovacs and Ernest Shazor, his version of the Bill Walsh ideal strong safety:

Most people's instinct, upon seeing such a picture, is to turn and run and not stop running until they've reached a technological wilderness that makes it impossible to see said picture ever again. Because of my tenuous grasp on sanity, especially during the offseason, I decided instead to create a few more Frankenplayers. If these three rather horrifying creations ever donned the winged helmet, Michigan's offense would be unstoppable, albeit a bit strange-looking:

TOMNARD BROBINSON

Denard Robinson and Tom Brady took wildly divergent paths to quarterback stardom. Denard's running exploits were the stuff of legend, while his passing left something to be desired, especially when he was out of the comfy confines of Rich Rodriguez's spread offense—one perfectly tailored to his strengths. Brady, meanwhile, was never fully appreciated during his time in Ann Arbor despite his pinpoint passing—only in retrospect, after multiple Super Bowls, was he fully acknowledged as an excellent college player. As a runner, though... he was a great pocket passer.

So what do you get when you jam Brady's upper body onto Denard's legs? (While, of course, still harnessing the power of the dreadlocks.) Only the most fearsome dual-threat quarterback in college football history, not to mention one charming franken-guy.

SAMICHAEL McHART

As a college running back, Mike Hart was just about everything you could ask for—productive and durable, coupling great vision and agility with surprising power and an inability to fumble. Despite lacking in top-end speed, Hart famously made the journey from three-star recruit to Michigan's all-time leading rusher.

Sam McGuffie, on the other hand, came in with a world of recruiting hype and plenty of athletic talent—his high school highlight tape featured him jumping over linebackers when he wasn't able to use his top-end speed to simply take the top off of the defense. Unlike Hart, McGuffie had the potential to be unstoppable in the open field. When it came to absorbing punishment, however, McGuffie fell short at Michigan, transferring to Rice after a disappointing and injury-plagued freshman season in 2008.

Stick McGuffie's legs (not pictured) onto Hart, though? Now we've got the production, durability, between-the-tackles running, and open field explosiveness no Michigan running back has possessed since Tyrone Wheatley. Do you want to claim Samichael McHart wouldn't front-flip over Will Gholston in the open field if given the chance? I thought not.

JEREMY TACOPANTS

Jeremy Gallon emerged last season as Michigan's best wide receiver, proving especially productive when Devin Gardner took over at quarterback. The former high school option quarterback is both shifty and fast with good hands and explosive leaping ability. Unfortunately, he's also about 5'8", which limits his potential as a downfield threat.

Enter Tacopants, Jason Avant's 11-foot tall imaginary friend whose career high point was Chad Henne's inconsistent sophomore season. Combine him with Gallon, and, well—it's a giant wide receiver, guys, he's going to be pretty good.

In sum, it's barely May and I've already stooped to this for offseason content. I'm so sorry. Carry on.

OFAAT: Northwestern Past

OFAAT: Northwestern Past

Submitted by Ace on November 8th, 2012 at 2:00 PM

[Note on these posts: Yes, gifs are very bandwith-heavy, which is why we put all but one below the jump. There's not really a way around this that doesn't involve people having to click through to a new page for every gif, which isn't exactly ideal. If your page is lagging severely, try hitting 'escape' on your keyboard (unless you have Chrome, in which case you're SOL), which will stop the animation, then you can right-click and hit 'view image' to open each gif individually.]

We're expanding the MGoGifs beyond recapping each game; starting this week, we'll be taking a look ahead with gifs of great (or at least gif-tacular) moments from past games against Michigan's upcoming opponent. So, today's One Frame At A Time features Northwestern gifs of yore, and there's only one place to begin—Jason Avant's absurd one-handed catch in 2003's 41-10 victory.

First, however, I just want to thank everyone who sent in suggestions on Twitter, and also express my eternal gratitude to WolverineHistorian, whose videos provided the source material for most of these. The man is a treasure. And now, here's Avant:

[When you've finished watching that on a loop for, oh, 20 minutes, hit THE JUMP for the rest of the gifs.]

Dear Diary, Two-Man QB Depth Charts are Really Spooky!

Dear Diary, Two-Man QB Depth Charts are Really Spooky!

Submitted by Seth on November 2nd, 2012 at 8:53 AM

Can you guess what was wrong with Herb? Also the copyright to this at the end says "U.M.&M."

Of all the things to despise about the new divisions—like the MSU game being technically more important every year than Ohio State—at least let's admit there's one wonderful benefit: Michigan-Minnesota is back to every year.

The historians like this one because there were some major powers with some major players who went on or ended some major streaks back in the day. But with more than enough annual powers on the schedule these days, I kind of like having this one historically poignant yet presently non-stressful mid-year contest with the people who invented cooking the cheese inside the actual hamburger.

After yet another Hallow's Eve scare, a nice jug of hot cider and Minnesota's safeties are just the thing. Alas, it is not Jug Saturday yet, and there's some things from last week that we need to over again. Like what happens when you lose your 5-star quarterback?

DON'T MISS THESE:

You Get This One Chance. Why is it every time we've got like THE MAN under center, the minute he goes out it's terror central? Not just Denard against Nebraska but the crater drewhensonwhen Mallett departed, or the black hole that formed when Henne's arm was removed from its socket against Oregon in 2007, or the feeling in the pit of your stomach when that Buckeye Steinbrenner bought off Drew Henson (right). Enter oakapple, who goes back through recent history to show how the uber recruit tends to both work out and scare off competition. Whyfore wast thou oppos'd to class, bygone son of Forcier?

He hits on some good questions—like the handling of Gardner. But if he looked back further, to the deep recruiting of the time after Bo, he might have seen a different magic.

Gameboy went back over Michigan's 2012 opponents past to pull up percentages for how much better our defense fared against them than their average opponents. Michigan got blown out by Alabama about exactly the same way everyone else did, and we beat UMass the same way everyone else beat on UMass. As for the rest, the defensive performances have one other outlier in Air Force (we did marginally better than Mountain West teams) and otherwise stand as "omigod that was a tough defense" in the memories of everyone else. I fixed his charts to make them more legible so the descriptions may be a bit off.

[After the jump, more spooky things]

Michigan Museday Has a Senior QB

Michigan Museday Has a Senior QB

Submitted by Seth on May 9th, 2012 at 8:11 AM

UMBrady7078545131_8b7c2bb53d_oLurch

MGoArchives/Upchurch/MGoArchives

Michigan goes into 2012 with the rarest of all birds (recently at least): a senior returning starter at quarterback. Since we can't count half a season from an injured Henne, the last time we saw this senior-type thing under center was the last time a QB wore 16: Navarre. It's been nine years!

History too has been a bit rough on senior QBs. Brady shared much of his last season with Henson. Todd Collins played almost as much as senior Grbac, who took away half of Michael Taylor's seminal season, who nabbed the bulk of Demetrius Brown's last year.

Since Bo's first year Denard is the 14th senior starter at Michigan. The other 13, by stats:

Season Name Comp Att % Comp TD Int Yds Efficiency
2007 Chad Henne 162 278 58.3% 17 9 1938 130.5
2003 John Navarre 270 456 59.2% 24 10 3331 133.6
1999 Tom Brady 214 341 62.8% 20 6 2586 142.3
1997 Brian Griese 193 307 62.9% 17 6 2293 140.0
1994 Todd Collins 186 288 64.6% 13 10 2518 146.0
1992 Elvis Grbac 129 199 64.8% 17 12 1640 150.2
1989 Michael Taylor 74 121 61.2% 11 3 1081 161.2
1986 Jim Harbaugh 180 277 65.0% 10 11 2729 151.7
1983 Steve Smith 106 205 51.7% 13 8 1420 123.0
1980 John Wangler 117 212 55.2% 16 9 1522 131.9
1978 Rick Leach 78 158 49.4% 17 6 1283 145.5
1974 Dennis Franklin 58 104 55.8% 8 5 933 146.9
1970 Don Moorhead 87 190 45.8% 8 6 1167 105.0

I'll save you some of the suspense: those are good efficiencies. And when that starter wasn't dinged it made for awesome seasons. Even counting '07, over these 13 seasons Michigan went 127-26-3, went to Pasadena 7 times (plus an Orange and Sugar and no bowl one year when Michigan finished 3rd overall), finished in the Top 10 of the Associated Press 11 times (avg finish: 7th), and won a National Championship. Small sample size and whatnot, but special years do seem to follow the seniors around.

Let's all shake our fists at: Chad Henne shoulder-hating god. Three shakes!

images50414_390376945601_322051_nangry-fist-shake2_871

You also probably already figured that since players generally improve year to year, that senior quarterbacks are best. What I'm looking at here is whether there's maybe something about being a senior, whether its age, or whether that mythical senior tag has some weight. To the charts!

Senior Quarterbacks-age

Click embiggens. The mythical senior tag didn't seem to do anything except as a function of experience. When broken up by age it wasn't any different than when broken up by how many passes he threw before coming. What age does seem to do is reduce variance. Look at the grouping of 5th year seniors (light blue). There's not enough data here to make a conclusion but I am intrigued by this concept of 5th year players producing no worse than a rating

A better way to decide if age or class means anything at all would be to use the Mathlete's database. Mathlete: you should do this some day: chart year to year improvement of quarterbacks and see what the progression curve looks like. What I'm doing here is just working with Bentley numbers for Michigan quarterbacks, since at least for these guys I can trust we know most of the exigent circumstances behind IMG_4709different swings. Just pulling returning starters and major contributors. In: John Navarre's 77 attempts in 2000, Tate Forcier's 84 attempts in 2010. Out: Drew Henson's 47 attempts in 1998. Show things:

Year Avg. Eff Change Denard
Senior +1.4 ?
Junior +16.6 -9.8
Sophomore +7.3 +58.0 (!)

<----Upchurch

Denard's freshman to sophomore leap was high, not unheard of. Rick Leach leapt a ludicrous 76.1 points in efficiency between his freshman and sophomore years, a matter of going from 32% completions and 3 TDs to 12 interceptions to 47.6% completion rating and a 13/8 TD/INT ratio. Michael Taylor made a leap similar to Denard's between his Junior and Senior seasons (first and second as at least a part-time starter). Drew Henson, Jim Harbaugh and Demetrius Brown also had huge leaps forward as juniors. If you're smelling a trend, these were all guys who to varying degrees considered "mobile" quarterbacks.

Visualized:

Senior Quarterbacks

The way efficiency is wired, a shift in TD/INT ratio, a shift in completion %, and a shift in yards per attempt. Big chart of returning passers (either starters or guys who got a significant amount of playing time the year before) so we can see if any one of these factors might stand out. Bolding numbers that I think made the difference:

Season Name Att Att-DIF Comp% DIF INT/TD
DIF
Avg-DIF Efficiency Eff-D
1976 Rick Leach, So 105 +5 +15.6% +10/-4 +2.5 151.1 +76.1
2000 Drew Henson, Jr 237 +147 +9.4% +15/+2 +3.0 159.4 +49.6
1985 Jim Harbaugh, Jr* 227 +116 +9.8% +15/+1 +2.2 157.9 +49.6
1988 Demetrius Brown, Jr* 84 -84 +9.5% -5/-16 +1.8 158.2 +45.5
1991 Elvis Grbac, Jr* 254 -12 +6.7% +4/-4 +1.0 161.7 +24.5
1989 Michael Taylor, Sr* 121 -1 -1.1% +6/-1 +1.1 161.2 +22.8
1974 Dennis Franklin, Sr 104 +37 +2.0% +4/0 +1.0 146.9 +21.4
1996 Brian Griese, Jr* 61 -177 +4.0% -10/-8 +1.8 137.7 +19.0
2006 Chad Henne, Jr 328 -54 +3.5% -1/0 +1.0 143.4 +13.8
2003 John Navarre, Sr* 456 +8 +3.9% +3/+3 +0.8 133.6 +11.4
1999 Tom Brady, Sr* 341 -9 +1.6% +5/-6 +0.1 142.3 +10.6
1978 Rick Leach, Sr 158 -16 -2.4% +2/-3 +0.4 145.5 +10.6
1993 Todd Collins, Jr* 296 +195 -1.5% +10/+4 +1.6 149.3 +9.4
1973 Dennis Franklin, Jr 67 -56 +5.8% -2/+3 +1.3 125.5 +8.8
2002 John Navarre, Jr* 448 +63 +1.6% +2/-6 +0.2 122.2 +5.7
1970 Don Moorhead, Sr 190 -20 -1.4% +2/-1 +0.1 105.0 +4.6
1996 Scott Dreisbach, So* 269 +163 +2.6% +9/-6 -0.5 126.7 +2.8
1997 Brian Griese, Sr* 307 +246 +5.5% +14/+4 -0.9 140.0 +2.3
2010 Tate Forcier, So 84 -197 +5.6% -9/-6 -0.2 130.2 +2.0
1982 Steve Smith, Jr 227 +17 +5.8% -1/+2 -0.3 125.1 -0.6
1983 Steve Smith, Sr 205 -22 -0.3% -1/-5 -0.7 123.0 -2.1
2005 Chad Henne, So 382 -17 -1.8% -2/-4 -0.3 129.6 -3.0
1990 Elvis Grbac, So* 266 +150 -4.7% -8/+6 +0.1 137.2 -3.0
1994 Todd Collins, Sr* 288 -8 +0.7% -3/+4 +0.3 146.0 -3.3
1986 Jim Harbaugh, Sr* 277 +50 +1.1% -8/+5 +1.1 151.7 -6.2
2011 Denard Robinson, Jr 258 -33 -7.5% +2/+4 -0.4 139.7 -9.8
1992 Elvis Grbac, Sr* 199 -55 -0.1% -8/+6 +0.0 150.2 -11.5
2007 Chad Henne, Sr 278 -50 -3.6% -5/+1 -0.7 130.5 -12.8
1977 Rick Leach, Jr 174 +69 +4.1% +2/+1 -1.5 134.9 -16.2
1980 John Wangler, Sr* 212 +82 -4.8% +8/+2 -3.8 131.9 -30.1
2001 John Navarre, So* 385 +308 +1.8% +11/+12 -1.2 116.4 -30.8

Bolded things of note: If I bolded the name or the amount of attempts you can just discount that guy since his year to year stats are thrown off by a huge difference in his role, e.g. John Navarre went from a guy who murdered MAC teams to full-time Big Ten passer who chucked things in the direction of Marquise Walker. Rick Leach basically learned how to pass a football (to his teammates). Henson and Harbaugh had matching junior leaps as they grew from leggy guy who might throw to polished passers.

jwanglerDemetrius Brown had his numbers saved by Bo halving the amount of pass plays and going full-tilt option. Tom Brady stopped had a major turnaround in TD/INT as a senior, while Todd Collins and Jim Harbaugh went the other way. Johnny Wangler looks to have suffered (EDIT: was this when Carter injured? This is before my time.) his senior season, as YPA dropped terribly and completion suffered a little. I'm not sure Grbac's TD-INT ration can be explained by the similar loss of Desmond Howard—it's possible Dez's Heisman campaign simply separated itself from two similar yet pedestrian seasons.

What does this all mean for Denard? Most of the seniors touched up their games. Most had their big leaps as juniors, but I should point out of the 13 guys to make the biggest one-year leaps, 8 of them were redshirt juniors or seniors, i.e. Denard's age. Also working for him is running the same offense that he did last year. The transition ultimately came more to him than the other way around, though, so don't expect miracles. Working against him will be the loss of his favorite target, and the effective replacement of a tight end for a second back, which isn't always great for the passing game. Unless a deep threat emerges from the unknowns in the receiver corps, expect his YPA avg. to dip again, with a corresponding rise in completion % (something most seniors seemed to have done). I'd also venture Denard will cut down further on his interception and probably get his TDs up the same as Michigan's mite-y backs and receivers score more with screens. +4/-4 would be excellent. Meanwhile the team will win 10 games, place in the Top 10, and end the season in Pasadena, because that's what Michigan senior quarterbacks do.

Unverified Voracity Needs To Schedule Kansas Right Now

Unverified Voracity Needs To Schedule Kansas Right Now

Submitted by Brian on December 9th, 2011 at 12:17 PM

Rimington: acquired. David Molk is your 2011 Rimington winner as the nation's best center:

I haven't watched every snap of every other center's career in detail, but I have watched Molk and I would have scoffed if he didn't win. Good move, Rimington award. The scoffing… you don't want this, son.

With the award and the first-team All-American status that goes with it, Molk will be one of the guys you randomly stumble across pages for on the Bentley site when trying to figure out all-decade teams. He'll show up in an endzone of Michigan Stadium at some point, grudgingly waving at the crowd. This makes me happy.

Future centers need not apply for the 2010s All-Decade team, by the way. Your application is as likely to be successful as Charlie Weis getting another head coaching—SKREEEEEEEEETCH

Carry on my Weighward son. So this happened:

390006_10150419902218842_40139773841_8414634_1239908666_n[1]

I'm still waiting for Orson to email the Kansas AD asking "who are you and when did you think of this," thus exposing the brilliant hoax. Because that ain't real. Kansas did not just hire an old sociopath whose college tenure is spectacular failure at Notre Dame and leading the Florida offense into walrusball territory. They did not shell out three million a year for him. These are not things that happen without Batman villains intervening in the water supply.

In the unlikely event this is a real thing that really happened, Michigan needs to schedule an annual series with Kansas. That's how you create the future, by causing the media to reminisce about things that your fanbase remembers as awesome.

Weis II >>>>>>>> Horror II. EFACT.

And now a word from Orson.

YEAH THE REASONS YOU CAME HERE WHATEVER I DON'T CARE I ASSUME YOU CAME WITH A SKI MASK ON AND SHOULD LEAVE WITH ONE BECAUSE YOU STOLE MONEY AT NOTRE DAME AND YOU STOLE MONEY FROM FLORIDA AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO KANSAS AND THAT MAKES YOU SOME KIND OF SUBTROPICAL DEPRESSION THAT GUSTS INTO PRESS CONFERENCES RAINS TURNOVERS ON AN OFFENSE AND THEN SUCKS THE CASH OUT OF THE AIR BEFORE BLOWING INTO THE NEXT STOP. WE BOUGHT THE MONORAIL. WE DIDN'T SEE A WICKED THING COMING THIS WAY. WE WROTE THE CHECK AND SAID SURE YOU SEEM TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO LOST TO GREG ROBINSON AT SYRACUSE ON YOUR OWN HALLOWED HOME FIELD.

THEN YOU LEAVE AND THAT'S GREAT. SERIOUSLY I WOULD HAVE THROWN BATTERIES AT YOU AT THE BOWL GAME. YOU THINK I'M JOKING BUT I'M NOT MY FRIEND JON SAID "I'M GOING TO THROW BATTERIES AT HIM" AND FOR ONCE THIS MADE SO MUCH EMOTIONAL SENSE TO ME. I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER. MY HATE AND FRUSTRATION WOULD HAVE CHARGED THE BATTERY AND THEN LEFT ME IN ONE CATHARTIC JOLT IN A CLEAN TRANSFER OF ENERGY FROM ME TO THE BATTERY TO YOUR WORTHLESS CARCASS. I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER EVEN WITH THE MISDEMEANOR ASSAULT CHARGE. I REALLY WOULD HAVE ESPECIALLY AFTER I WATCHED YOU MAKE UP THAT BULLSHIT PLAN FOR THE GEORGIA GAME AND WATCHED US DIE IN PERSON FOR THE ENTIRE SECOND HALF SERIOUSLY YOU OWE JOHN BRANTLEY SEVEN YEARS ON HIS LIFE.

And now let's reminisce.

"They're going to have to learn about us, OK? Let them try to stop a pro-style offense, which has multiple personnel groups and multiple formations. Let's see how they are going to do. They've had their advantage because I've come into recruiting late. Well, now it's Xs and Os time. Let's see who has the advantage now."

I wrote a thing after the above game with a photoshop Kansas fans may want to have handy.

The only wonder is that the media spent the better part of 2.5 years pumping him up as Weis E. Coyote, Certified Super Genius, largely because Weis spent every available moment telling the media that he and his ACME catalog of incredibly sophisticated devices were worth a foolproof touchdown every game. Somehow I doubt even Tyrone Willingham would have Notre Dame scoring -7 points per game.


By god, if EDSBS can have a horrible photoshop of Dennis
Erickson driving a golf cart into a volcano, I can have this.

The result of all these fantastic toys? Literally nothing. No touchdowns. No rushing yards. No hope.

No hope… no hope. [Kansas football flatlines.]

A witch! Find the witch! If you're wondering why the parents of former Michigan commits are telling recruiting reporters that their sons are qualified, yesterday Rivals claimed a current commit was not likely to make it past the clearinghouse and please don't speculate as to who, which worked as well as it always does: not at all. At least the Inquisition didn't last long. When Anthony Standifer decommitted soon after, two was added to two.

I'm not sure what the deal is here. Michigan's main competition for Standifer was Notre Dame, not often hot after kids who won't qualify. In the Trieu article above his mom doesn't sound mad, claiming it was a mutual breakup:

"Both parties have decided to go their separate ways."

So, whatever. For whatever reason Michigan is down one Standifer. This has two major impacts:

  1. Michigan probably wants another defensive back. Hot prospect is current PSU commit Armani Reeves, a four-star corner Michigan finished second for back when Penn State didn't have… events. He seems to be opening it back up; it appears M was ready to grab Yuri Wright even with Standifer in the class and would probably take both Wright and Reeves without thinking twice.
  2. If Michigan handled this poorly there could be some fallout with LaQuon Treadwell, the 2013 WR from Standifer's school who has visited multiple times and seems to favor M. FWIW, Ace has a report on that indicating it won't impact his decision.

And now: children who hate football. The father in the first one is kind of a jerk.

Try not to think of the latter one the next time Michigan loses a game.

The coming funpocalypse. Every report that BCS automatic qualifier status is probably gone further enhances the belief that BCS AQ status is probably gone. The bigger issue is if the cap on the number of teams per conference will be lifted, as that will determine who benefits from the AQ removal: Boise State or SEC #3? Actually, with Boise now moving to the Big East, they're hurt by this. They finally wrangle themselves an autobid just in time for them to go up in smoke. They have been trolled expertly.

Every report that an expanded playoff field is inevitable further enhances the belief that Jim Delany is a Centauri diplomat. Andy Staples quoting Stanford's AD:

"I happen to agree with my conference colleagues about the plus-one game," Stanford athletic director Bob Bowlsby said Wednesday. "I think it's inevitable at this point."

That's the Pac-12, man. With the Big 12 having their Okie State hissy, the SEC and ACC already on board, and the Big East able to calculate the chances of one of their teams ever getting in a two-team playoff, the Big Ten is about to be dragged into an arrangement they don't want. As I said, Delany should have thought about the slippery slope in 1998, not now.

In other quotes that make me pump my fist:

[After complaining about the Sugar Bowl, Kansas State AD John] Currie then said something that should strike fear into the hearts of overpaid, underworked bowl directors everywhere, because while Currie may be the jilted, angry one now, he isn't the only administrator who feels this way. "College football doesn't need the bowls like it once did to build the brand of college football," Currie said. In other words, the schools and conferences can stage exhibition games on their own at a far lower cost, increasing their profits and cutting the bowls out of the equation entirely.

YES THIS YES. The NCAA needs goofballs in yellow jackets in no way whatsoever.

Staples also discusses a potential split in D-I between haves and have-nots, something I either don't care about (if the split does not prevent you from scheduling lower division teams) or adore (if it does).

Well, maybe. Meinke starts the fretting about next year's defensive line with some quotes from defensive line coach Jerry Montgomery. This is the most interesting:

One question that likely will fester into fall camp: Will either Roh, who will be a senior fourth-year starter next year, or sophomore Jibreel Black be moved from weak-side to strong-side end to replace Van Bergen?

They both played well this season on the weak side, so splitting them could be a way of getting the best 11 on the field.

Montgomery's answer: "It could happen, but I’m telling you, Nathan Brink is going to be a good football player. To say anyone is going to pass him at five-technique (is premature)."

When Brink got hyped up in preseason camp, that was a sign the world was ending at the Will Campbell spot. When he immediately faded in favor of Will Heininger, that was a sign things were even worse than implied when one walk-on was in the conversation. And Heininger had some struggles early.

Then a funny thing happened: Heininger stopped getting beat up by Eastern Michigan

If the rest of the line did this there'd be nothing. Unfortunately, this is Will Heininger's fate (second from the top in the first frame):

heininger-power-2 heininger-power-4 heininger-power-5

You can see the blue stripe. Roh has his helmet on it. Heininger ends up a yard behind it and sealed away. That middle frame is a butt-kicking, and the third frame is the result: two Michigan players with no hope of making a tackle.

…and settled into a brief period of anonymity before emerging into a pretty good player late in the year. Heininger has been consistently positive in UFRs since about the midpoint of the season, and while he's not Mike Martin or Ryan Van Bergen he's far more effective than folks like Banks and Patterson were last year.

This realigns our perceptions. Michigan has never been a place that could get mileage out of walk-ons like Iowa or Wisconsin, so the default assumption has been walkons == doom. In certain cases (say, inserting a freshman student-body walk-on into the starting lineup) that remains true. But if Brink fends off Roh and Black for a job at five-tech there's reason to believe he'll be able to hack it.

Given his brief windows of play so far he'll have to improve massively to get there, but, hey, Will Heininger.

This year, last year. Stolen from the depths of the internet, a man who goes only by "Jeff" posts Michigan's plays of X yards or more allowed this year and last year:

Plays of 80+ yards - 2010 3, 2011 0
Plays of 70+ yards - 2010 4, 2011 0
Plays of 60+ yards - 2010 7, 2011 0
Plays of 50+ yards - 2010 8, 2011 2
Plays of 40+ yards - 2010 15, 2011 6
Plays of 30+ yards - 2010 29, 2011 13
Plays of 20+ yards - 2010 64, 2011 41
Plays of 10+ yards - 2010 211, 2011 150

Note that these numbers include *all* plays of longer than 10+, 20+, not plays for 10-19 yards, plays for 20-29 yards, etc. - we didn't give up 7 plays for 70+ yards in 2010, we gave up 3 for 80-100 and 1 for 70-79.

That is slight improvement there. Safeties, safeties, safeties. The difference doesn't really kick into full force until you get to plays of 30 and 40 yards. Too bad the defense had a bit of a meltdown against OSU or that plays of >30 yards number would be ridiculously low.

Etc.: Video from the 1930s. Of Michigan Stadium. The Daily notes that there are two guys in lobster costumes in the student section calling themselves "Smotrycz's Lobstryczs," which is incredible. You men are heroes.

This Mailbag Attempts To Answer The Unanswerable

This Mailbag Attempts To Answer The Unanswerable

Submitted by Brian on January 18th, 2011 at 12:27 PM

Most of the questions in my inbox I don't have an answer to, but does that ever stop sportswriters? No.

1.  With all the Hoke love from ex-players & everyone else for that matter, how could Bill Martin have misread the whole "Michigan Man" situation when he hired RichRod?  He had to get some sort of vibe about supporting a MI Man & not an outsider.  Did he ignore this, or was he ignorant of it?

Bill Martin seems like an affable sort of guy, but an affable sort of guy who wasn't actually on the football team and really likes sailing. I bet he was taken aback by the way Rodriguez's tenure developed. I think most people were surprised the vehemence with which Rodriguez was denounced once he started losing games.

But I'm not sure it really mattered, since at the time there were no Michigan Man options that were even vaguely plausible. Hoke—the sole Carr assistant to have a head coaching job at the time—was idling at 7-6 in his fifth year at Ball State. DeBord had failed miserably at CMU. Ron English was in charge of the defense that made The Horror and Post-Apocalyptic Oregon Game possible. Harbaugh was still unproven.

Even if Martin could anticipate a negative reaction from the Carr clan, it's not like there was anything he could do about it without producing a backlash 10 times as massive as this year's Hoke doubt.

2.  With all the shouts of failure to hire a BIG name coach, looking at the hires of the last few years from "elite" schools: USC - Kiffin, Miami - Temple's coach, Florida - Tx D Coordinator, Florida St. - Jimbo Fisher, Notre Dame - Kelly, Tennessee - Dooley; big name coaches from big name schools rarely switch jobs within the college ranks - the last BIG name coach to do so would have to be RichRod - food for thought.

-Nathan

I guess that depends on your definition of the word "big." It's true that most jobs on the Michigan/Oklahoma/Florida/ND level are terminal destinations. But Stanford isn't, especially when the guy at Stanford is a famous Michigan alum. Harbaugh should have been poachable, and maybe he was but for the NFL. We'll never know. Meanwhile, there is a list of guys who are acquirable who may not be "big" names but seem like as good of any idea as possible when you switch coaches.

As for that list above:

  • Fisher was a hot OC at LSU that was imported to be HC in waiting/by proxy in the same sort of transition that saw Bielema and Chip Kelly smoothly ascend to the throne and experience fairly quick success. (Bielema took a little while to get going.)
  • Muschamp is an archetypical hot coordinator.
  • Brian Kelly qualified as a big name in the mold of Urban Meyer after championship runs at two different schools experiencing their greatest success.
  • Kiffin was the last act of an idiot and was met with the same sort of love at USC he was after his departure from Knoxville.
  • Dooley was a last second desperation hire after Kiffin left that was like hiring Hoke in 2007.

I'd say the first three are good ideas, the fourth a bad idea, and the fifth the sort of thing that happens when your head coach leaves in early January. In Tennessee's case they were left in the lurch involuntarily. Michigan did it to themselves.

At least Dooley provides a hopeful example. Despite being in shambles in mid-January they recovered decently enough in recruiting and outperformed expectations down the stretch. Sometimes guys catch fire with more resources and a fortunate recruit—or existing player—and that can quickly erase their uninspiring previous record. One year after Tennessee's Maple Street Annual asked me to write a piece about how to cope with a 3-9 crater, there is palpable optimism in Knoxville.

Brian,

In the presser introducing Hoke as HC, Dave Brandon mentioned that he was a "data guy," and that the data showed that when you bring in a HC w/no ties to the area and/or university, it usually doesn't work.  However, a look at the top programs in recent college football history show important counterexamples:

  • Urban Meyer, Florida: no ties
  • Mack Brown, Texas: asst coach Iowa State 1 year, OC Iowa State 2 years (1980-81), OC Oklahoma 1 year (1984)
  • Nick Saban, LSU: no ties
  • Les Miles, LSU: no ties
  • Pete Carroll, USC: OC U. of Pacific, 1 year (1983)

Did these guys have assistants on staff who had ties?  What was the key to their success in winning over the respective fan bases?

-Steve

Winning games? Those guys save Carroll and Meyer all came from BCS programs they had significantly outperforming their historical baseline, and Meyer had just turned Utah into the #2 team in the country after making Bowling Green a terrifying MAC opponent. And then they won immediately. Saban was 12-2 in year two. Miles lost six games in his first three years. The first time Mack Brown won fewer than nine games at Texas was this year. Meyer won the national title in year two.

Before any of these guys could be hated they were loved, and Rodriguez probably could have managed that trick if he hadn't presided over the worst three year stretch since Harry Kipke*.

If there's a common thread between these coaches it's recruiting, where all were monsters. You knew that's what you were getting with Brown, suspected it with Saban and Miles, and hoped for with Carroll.

*[I have your back, MVictors]

So, I've accepted the fact that we have Hoke and Borges (mostly).  The offensive personnel is obviously geared toward a zone read option type of offense with athletic lineman, lots of slot ninjas and a running quarterback.

Two actual questions for you:

1 - How is this line at pass protection?  Do the techniques change much between zone-read option spread teams and pro-style teams?  I know Kerrigan, Liuget and Watt were blowing up our plays quite a bit, but I'm hopeful the assignments and techniques would not be very different.  Now, Iso-blocks on runs plays....argh.

It was difficult to tell since teams spent most of the year deathly afraid of losing gap responsibility and letting Robinson slip into the secondary. Many opponents seemed content to let Denard sit and survey. In one on one matchups the line did very well against Iowa, Michigan State, and Penn State but not so well against Purdue (ie: Kerrigan) and Wisconsin. The numbers were consistently 1) low in amplitude and 2) good in percentage. The line wasn't asked to do a whole lot. They usually did it well.

It was a mixed bag, but they were starting a redshirt freshman and an injury-laden platoon at the tackles. I don't think there's much of a difference in pass protection between the two offenses in terms of technique, but pro-style attacks usually put a greater premium on five- and seven-step drops.

A bigger concern than this being an awkward transition is how much of the good pass protection last year was an illusion wrought by Robinson and the scheme.

2 - Thinking about a pro-style offense that employs slots and would fit fairly well.... What about the Patriots offense?  Slot guys, undersized receivers and running backs....Obviously Tom never runs, but they could incorporate the single-wing QB runs and ISQD's pretty easily as well as roll-out run-pass option plays....Am I dreaming here?  Is there any way with the Michigan connections over there that Borges/Hoke could go in this offseason pick Belichick and Brady's brains and/or outright steal some of that offense all together?  What about the Eagles offense?  It seems this would be a pretty good recruiting pitch - "You know Tom Brady?  The Patriots?  That team that crushes people all the time? Yeah - we're running their offense."

Thanks!

Jason

The Patriots may be pros but they don't really run a pro-style offense anymore thanks to Brady. Unfortunately for Michigan's immediate future, the things that make Brady one of the greatest QBs of all time—pinpoint accuracy and I'm-from-the-future coverage reads—are the things Robinson has in shortest supply.

Long term I'm down with what seems to be Borges's preference for a pass-slanted West Coast offense, which is a system that works and works well when you've got the right guy at the helm. One positive about returning to something resembling the old offense is that college football's tilt towards spread systems has made pocket guys more available, and Michigan's reputation was enough to lure Ryan Mallett north despite that not being the best idea in the world for him personally.

Unverified Voracity's Wife Says Some Crushing Things, Let Me Tell You

Unverified Voracity's Wife Says Some Crushing Things, Let Me Tell You

Submitted by Brian on September 16th, 2010 at 5:12 PM

CLARIFICATION: The title is just a Revolutionary Road reference. Trust me, if I get in a fight with the fiancee the internet will not be informed.

Dedication II. Michigan will dedicate its soccer stadium Friday with a game against Notre Dame at 7:30. Their latest home game featured an 89th minute winner from Justin Meram; freshman Soony Saad is tearing up the nets. It should be a good game: Michigan is 3-1-1 on the year, Notre Dame 5-1-1. I'm planning on going. Stop by and say hi if you're around.

Roundtree fluff. Further adventures in incredibly easy to root for Wolverines:

One dollar they pull the #1 out of mothballs for him next year.

Getting blown up. As we all await Denard Robinson's inevitable dissolution into a pile of smiling but sadly immobile goo, Michigan bloggers are working overtime to compile excessively researched nuh-uhs that metro Detroit talk radio blitherers don't care about and couldn't understand even if they did. MGoFootball went over the tape in an attempt to determine just who is hitting Denard and how badly:

  Front 7 2nd Level Down/Slide Not Touched
UConn 10 10 7 2
ND 13 6 7 2
Total 23 16 14 4
Avg/game 11.5 8 7 2

What does this mean? I have no idea. MGoFootball has some opinions back at his place, though. Meanwhile, In Rod We Trust looks back at a selection of do-everything QBs in college football, finding that… eh… they don't hold up too badly, actually. Which you probably knew already.

GERG fairy dust update. Mouton on Mouton:

"I focused on the little things in the offseason," Jonas says. …

"It's the mental side of the game," Jonas offers in a rare sound bite running longer than 10 seconds. "Instead of relying on my athletic ability so much, I wanted to improve the little things. I watched extra hours of film. I worked on studying routes and formations." …

"Coach Robinson has been great," Jonas says. "He's helped me learn what to study. I'm better at reading routes, recognizing alignments and formations."

Note that the official site is getting friskty. The Mouton story mentions his "badass beard" and they've even got a "definitive guide to Tom Brady's hair" that chronicles his ascension from Lloyd Christmas to David Beckham. My favorite is the Leonardo DiCaprio:

brady-1997-2_160

If he was just wearing a WVU hat the look would be complete.

Profilin'. The Daily catches up with Jason Avant

“I thought Coach Carr was genuine,” Avant said. “I thought he was tough and I thought he went out of his way to come out to the projects, where most of the coaches were scared to come and visit me.”

…and the Philadelphia newspapers gawk at Brandon Graham's Detroit origins:

"Where I grew up, a lot of stuff goes on - just from being out and with the wrong people," Graham says. "There were a lot of different cliques. I had friends, but they all had different friends. Some people had friends that were off into drugs. Some people had friends who were out looking to steal things. It was crazy.'

Both reinforce that Avant and Graham are amongst the best people to come through Michigan in the last decade.

Forever dumb. Long, long ago in 2005 when every college football blog talked to every other college football blog because there were a half-dozen total, there was a sissy-boy blogger slapfight over whether or not throwing a jumble of completely unrelated teams together and declaring them the vanguard of a New College Football because of, like, similarities and stuff was visionary or asinine. Thunderous slaps resonated across the blogosphere, no one was convinced of anything, and eventually everyone forgot about it UNTIL RIGHT NOW:

About five years ago, I spent a lot of time and energy writing about the emergence of the spread and how it would change college football–yes, even the crusty offenses of the SEC.  I admit I didn’t always get all the minor details or predictions right (I famously thought that Boise would beat Georgia in 2006), but the big picture was overwhelmingly correct:  Offense was no longer going to be played in a phone booth, the entire field would finally be used, deception was on the rise and the quarterback position was changing.

But back then, the notion of the spread being dominant in college football was controversial.  It would never work in the SEC, said the average blogger, who had eaten his three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust wheaties every morning for breakfast for as long as he could remember and couldn’t quite wrap his head around the concept.  Now, most teams in college football run some form of the spread and it is the pro style attacks that are the dinosaurs in retreat.

Oh no he di'in't. As per usual, HP is has a persuasive ability equivalent to Lane Kiffin's PR skills. To review: back in the long long ago, HP selected a "Gang of Six" teams that were 1) super good on offense, 2) "sophisticated," and 3) coming off nice records in 2004. His theory was that these teams represented a new way of playing football because they could run and pass, or something. He never really explained it.

Anyway, these teams and their 2005 quarterback rushing:

  • USC: 55 carries for 25 yards.
  • Cal: 76 carries for 100 yards.
  • Louisville: 53 carries for –88 yards.
  • Boise State: 107 carries for 262 yards.
  • Utah: 152 carries for 478 yards
  • Florida: 105 carries for 81  yards

Collectively these teams averaged 7.6 quarterback rushing attempts per game including sacks and averaged 1.6 YPC on those attempts. Whatever these teams shared (basically nothing since USC and Cal were pro-style, Louisville and Boise Purdue-style passing spreads, and Utah and Florida actual-ish spread 'n' shreds) Denard Robinson and the "evolution of the quarterback" had exactly nothing to do with it. The argument here was never that spread offenses were something other than the future of football's metagame (just check the Gary Danielson reactions for evidence) but that HP, specifically, was making an argument so inane it can't even be rebutted because it boils down to "these offenses are good so they are good."

An actually perceptive argument along these lines would have flagged West Virginia (graduating Rasheed Marshall but about to take off on the White rocket), Texas (Vince Young in bloom), Texas A&M (17th in total offense with Reggie McNeal), Penn State (Michael Robinson revival), and Missouri (Brad Smith) as members of a new wave of offense. None of those teams came in for a mention. HP is dumb. Always.

Etc.: Excellent Denard Heisman photoshop. Braves & Birds on the effect of having Denard Robinson as the face of the program instead of NCAA violations. The NCAA wants to lay down the law. Pat White on Denard: "he's a beast."

Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration

Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration

Submitted by Brian on September 8th, 2010 at 12:03 PM

PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:

explosion

As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

jleman_thumb6 Urrrrr.

duck_thumb4

jleman_thumb6 What the…?

duck_thumb6 Quack.

jleman_thumb6 Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.

duck_thumb6 Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.

explosion_thumb7

jleman_thumb6 We have to go!

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 Urrrr.

 image

tombrady2_thumb9 What the…?

brady-howard HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8] There they are!

tombrady2_thumb9 No!

brady-howard [Impressive KICK!]

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8][4] Noooooooo!

brady-howard CHECKMATE.

tombrady2_thumb9 How did you do that?

explosion_thumb9

brady-howard LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 Urrrr.

  image

bobzook_thumb6 What the…?

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 What happened?

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 I see.

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

bobzook_thumb6 Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.

explosion_thumb11

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

duck_thumb6 Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.

jleman_thumb6 Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.

duck_thumb6 Quack. Require sustenance.

jleman_thumb6 All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.

duck_thumb6 Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.

jleman_thumb6 Here. Now what are we going to call you?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 So… now what?

brady-howard NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]

tombrady2_thumb9 Great.

[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]

Gisele-Bundchen-boobiesNeed a ride?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.

joint [expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 Okay, here.

joint [when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]

brady-duck Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.

bobzook_thumb6 HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY

tombrady2_thumb9Gisele-Bundchen-boobies Yoink!

bobzook_thumb6 Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?

INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

billbelichick_thumb6  Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.

billbelichick_thumb6 You got all that from "quack"?

tombrady2_thumb9 Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.

billbelichick_thumb6 To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.

tombrady2_thumb9He's a super genius. Srsly.

billbelichick_thumb6 Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 Have I ever told you you're head coach material?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Brady. Come in, Brady.

tombrady2_thumb9 Brady here.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Report on The Project.

tombrady2_thumb9 After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6montgomeryburns_thumb 

EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS

footballcoach_thumb14  Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]

darth-vader-face_thumb[9] No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.

tombrady2_thumb9 Let me take care of that.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS.  2008

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.

rich-rodriguez You don't think that's a little drastic?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 No. This is Michigan.

 denarddeerfield_thumb5 QUAAAAAAACK

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-what

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.

EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 No! Not again!

juicewilliams_thumb11 All too easy.

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING!

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack.

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!

juicewilliams_thumb11explosion_thumb12

EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.


EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

randy-edsall2 Randy-Edsall

randy-edsall2 Not there either.

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-thumbsup

TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!