Michael Rosenberg and Mark Snyder do not have mustaches. They have never had mustaches. Several former or current co-workers at the Detroit Free Press corroborate allegations that they have had laser hair removal treatment, in violation of Mustache for Michigan regulations and men who are not pussies everywhere .
Rosenberg and Snyder have been heard, muttering from their effeminately smooth faces: Follicular workouts are voluntary, not mandatory. You can't force us to grow icky hair. When we baited and misquoted Freep junior support staff that didn't know of our slanted and harried agenda, we have found: "The...[hairless duo] have...receipts showing purchases...of (large quantities of) Nair."
Mustaches for Michigan failed to contact Rosernberg/Snyder to comment because, quite frankly, fuck them and their non-mustached faces.