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https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/11/27/what-did-i-just-watch-week-13-2/

 

The Peasant Handbook

 

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 13, 2019

In 1939, Europe had chance for one final gasp before the maelstrom of World War 2 made war of wind. The Wermarcht had set into motion their grand stratagem; all the land knew what lay beyond. And so the anxious quiet of the Phoney War was a period in which the world tensed in anticipation of havoc untold. In Week 13 of the 2019 College Football season, the fighters steel for the charge to follow. The desperate action seemed a primer for the forthcoming detonation of Rivalry Week, when then the gallant at arms will make certain their fate. In the staging action of the passing season, who now be poised to make glory of their game, and who hath fallen beyond the void?

 

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As the season nears its conclusion, you may find that your humble author becomes unhinged as his life begins to lose meaning DAMMIT HOTDOGS. Random profanities may occur as his life slowly spirals into a meaningless void replete with shrinking okra harvests and THE NFL SUCKS AND I QUIT. Please bear with the author as he considers a life without College Football WHY FFS WHY.

 

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#8 Penn State - 17

#2 Ohio State - 28

“Three Fumbles for the Nittany’s under the grey November sky,

Seven Points for the Touchdown Runner on the turf’d greens,

Nine wins for James Franklin, doomed to defeat,

And one for the Dark Lord in his Horseshoe

In the Land of Columbus where the Fields do live.”

-Lord of the Rings, The Forging of the Ring of Power

 

And what dark magic it be that brews in Columbus. The dark lord of yesteryear absent, the free men of the B1G cast weary their hope for a new rule in the off season. But the new Day that dawns is one of Scarlett and Grey. One ball to rule them all. 

 

The One Ring of Power has a will of its own, desperate to return to Sauron. And so too does the one football have its own mind. For their terrible power the Buckeyes seem a dark lord, using the one ball to manipulate the world to their whim. The war for the Middle-West was well in hand for the Buckeyes, their transcendent skill making folly the hope of Happy Valley. Well into the second half the fate of the land seemed certain. But as the ring fell unexpectedly to a Hobbit, so to did the ball fall away from the design of its master.

 

First, though, was battle had on the Horseshoe Fields. And through the Fields, as Buckeyes QB Justin Fields took control of the contest early. The Penn State defense was doing well enough against the onslaught until third down hit; time and again, Fields scrambled for first downs. They Buckeyes used these conversions for a touchdown on their first possession, RB J.K Dobbins and Fields accounting for every one of the 91 yards. And Penn State could manage only lurching gasps, punting on every possession of the first half as QB Sean Clifford struggled to find his footing. They stopped the Buckeyes for a few drives to settle things down, but the field position battle was slowly working to OSU’s favor. Late in the second quarter, OSU needed only 49 yards to score their second touchdown, another run from Dobbins after Fields had converted a fourth down with a scramble yet again. The half came darkly for the Nittany Lions, down 14-0.

 

It would be no better after the break. Ohio State, using a slew of productive runs from Dobbins and a 24 yard touchdown strike to K.J Hill, expanded their lead to 21 on their first drive. The Nittany Lions, desperate for answers, found one in the most unlikely of places; much as the humble Hobbit was selected for the grandest of journey’s, Penn State’s backup QB was forced into action after a Clifford injury early in the third quarter. And the Journey was literal, as RB Journey Brown took in a powerful 18 yard touchdown run after backup QB Will Levis entered the game and provided a balanced attack, completing clutch throws and running for good yardage to lead a strong drive. And so began the wild bounce of the One Ball of Power. On the Buckeyes first play after the kickoff, J.K Dobbins fumbled. Levis hit a strike to Pat Frieirmuth and ran it in himself on the next play. 21-14. Three plays later Ohio State fumbled again, this time a suspected hand injury causing Fields to lose control of the ball. Penn State had 8 plays starting at OSU’s 35, but were only able to move the ball 11 yards as the redoutable Buckeye DE Chase Young sacked Levis. A field goal followed for PSU, and they had brought into doubt the dark lord’s plan: 21-17.

 

The teams exchanged punts, the Penn State defense revitalized, but Levis and his fellowship lost 7 yards on their drive, having to kick out of their endzone. With good field position, it took only a few plays for Fields to find the sterling Chris Olave for a 28 yard strike to push the lead to what would be the game’s final margin, 28-17. Penn State dug deep for a gritty responding drive, but it ended on an interception; and while the defense stood tall, surrendering only 20 yards to OSU for the rest of the game, the offense only mustered 7 yards of their own as an energized Ohio State defense began to punish a now anxious PSU offense. The final drive was sealed by a Chase Young sack which made PSU’s position untenable. The Buckeyes would hold firm on four downs and kneel the ball out from there.

 

It is difficult to analyze a contest such as this. Remove the fumbles, and we see a game that Ohio State cleanly dominated. But the ball has its own will, and the Lions did force and recover the turnovers which set up their backup QB with a short field. Even still, the Ohio State defense tightened and set their own offense up with an easy drive that stretched the lead and put the Lions into desperation mode. That removed the run game, something that Levis was operating with good success and thus giving their offense the balance it needed. But as they were forced to pass, Chase Young was able to make his mark, and like the White Hand of Sauron, left his prints all over opposing headgear. There were various plays in which he was not double teamed, and as the announcers pointed out, this was suicide. The man is playing on another level, and while it is extremely uncommon that a single defensive player can have such an outsized impact, Young is hardly conventional. He’s now set the all-time OSU single season sack record, and this was with missing two games and only playing in one half in most others. He probably could have broken the national record if they weren’t winning so many blowouts and he had a reason to play deep into the second half. The rest of the defense has played with markedly improved discipline and assignment focus, and we’re no longer seeing linebackers who are clueless to their point of attack and a secondary loafing in space and ignoring their man, which led to last year’s surprising struggles. The entire defensive line is energized by Young and collapses the pocket with regularity; the linebackers pick through on blitzes and make good on openings; the secondary baits throws and always takes the right angles, rarely losing their man or missing tackles. We see again the complete level of football this team is playing and it is terrifying. They surrendered 3 turnovers, all of them disastrous, and beat a top 10 team somewhat comfortably. 

 

When Buckeye players are required to step up, they do so without failure. Fields hasn’t been pushed to scramble much this year as they’ve rarely needed him to put his body on the line, but that added dimension makes this offense more imposing than a trek up Mount Doom. Penn State even had a spy on many of these scrambles, but the RB would come out to block or Fields would evade them. That creates a hellish scenario of losing a man in coverage duty and still being unable to contain either facet. Dobbins played a very Rohanian workhorse role, running 36 times for 150+ yards; it’s an impressive versatility that shows the adaptability of the offense. And more than anything, it’s the good coaching and ready adjustments that makes OSU seemingly unbeatable. They lead the country in second quarter scoring margin, as their coaches don’t even need until halftime to figure out effective systems. They went against an excellent Penn State defense and logged 400+ yards, only failing to crack 30 points due to turnovers (3 fumbles is a lot to sustain). And with their own defense - which leads the country in many categories - led by a demonic superstar who is undoubtedly the best defensive player in the country and of recent conference memory, one has to wonder if this is the one team to rule them all.

 

Penn State resisted this as best they could. But this game had an inevitable feeling, made worse by the ineffective play of the offense. We were concerned for Clifford coming into this game, as he has struggled against good defensive teams, and regrettably, our fears were well founded. He simply did not play with confidence and was indecisive, clearly affected by the Buckeyes speedy coverage and the threat of Young. Through some 35 minutes of gameplay, Clifford only accounted for 53 yards of offense, before his injury removed him. And it appeared that he was cleared to return, but Franklin kept the backup in as he was producing (likely in an adrenaline spurred stupor, but still). The run game opened up as soon as Levis displayed some backfield poise - he had not yet learned to fear Young, a fleeting grace - and the offense looked at once functional upon his insertion. But the running backs barely cracked 65 total rushing yards, and so the pressure mounted on Levis as the game wore on(who would have been the fourth string last year.) His play was admirable but each successful play seemed to increase his concern for the one mistake that would send it all crashing down. The hot start likely fueled by some adrenaline and change-of-pace production fizzled out as his last bunch of plays read of sub-5 yard passes, incompletions, a pair of sacks, and an interception. It’s hard to blame the kid, or the Nittany Lions.

 

The most terrifying aspect of all this is that Penn State didn’t play poorly, necessarily. They were essentially gifted 17 points - and even more, considering that OSU’s own drives were thwarted by the fumbles - and yet were still thoroughly beaten. PSU is a good team, talented across every position, but the Buckeyes are one of the best teams in recent B1G memory. At a point in the first quarter, I could imagine the Nittany Lions collective guts churning as they realized, ‘We don’t have Trace or Saquon’. For as good a team as they are, they didn’t have the star power to match the Buckeyes. The ball bounced their way and they got inspired play from the backup QB and the defense held the Buckeyes to their lowest scoring output of the season and it still wasn’t enough. The offensive line was a problem (Even relative to the Young allowance) and until the Nittany Lions develop a QB who can stand tall in the pocket and deliver to his excellent downfield receivers with consistency, it’s tough to see them breaking through to the next level - which is, of course, compounded by an offensive line that cannot stand up against a 4 man rush. PSU’s most important playmaker, the dazzling K.J Hamler, could hardly be used under these conditions. Furthermore, the stunted pass game discombobulates their rushing attack - compounding every other issue against OSU - and it’s here where the RB platoon system hurts them, as none of their options runs enough to get traction. They couldn't beat OSU to the outside with end-arounds and speed options, mitigating their agile playmakers; running up the middle had some success but is insufficient to win a game like this; downfield passing wasn’t a threat and thus OSU defensive backs gambled and covered more closely the short routes, meaning Young and his fellows had time to blow up the pocket; and so we see how the Nittany Lions were only able to muster offense for one quarter. But these shortcomings were all forced by Ohio State. And so this contest says less about what Penn State is or is not, and more about how dreadfully good the Buckeyes are. They may just end the season with the one Ring that says it all; champions.

 

Consequences:

Ohio State clinches the Big Ten East and will play the winner of Wisconsin-Minnesota. Win that game and the result against Michigan will likely not affect their inclusion in the playoff. Unless the committee reveals that the sport is a Ponzi Scheme to get SEC teams playoff spots, which...shit. NOW DROWN ME IN A VAT OF APPLE JUICE THE SEASON IS ALMOST OVER. AT LEAST THIS WAY I CAN SWIRL IN JOY ONE LAST TIME. ONE. LAST. SQUIRREL.

 

SHIT.

 

#6 Oregon - 28

Arizona State - 31

 

The madman burned his boats. He set fire to his own damn boats. A modern analogy would be if Neil Armstrong had destroyed his shuttle on the surface of the moon that he could make fame as the only man to die on the moon. Thankfully, as has been recently discovered by some of the world’s more brilliant minds, Neil was never in any danger, because the landing was staged  it was in a studio. Right guys? Because that makes sense. (#MICROINVALIDATION VIA SARCASM)

 

ANYWAYS.

 

When Hernan Coretz landed on the Mexican coast, the golden glow of treasure untold from a land yet unseen averted his gaze from any inclination of the homebound. But his maniacal commitment was not shared by his men, apparently. To ensure that his conquistadors would not rout in battle or find flimsy their resolve he destroyed their bastion, their route of retreat. Now free of the doubts of man, a desert plain and moistened jungle was all that separated him from timeless glory.

 

First, the desert plain. But in this story, it was the Arizona State Sundevils that burnt the ships of the Oregon Ducks; or rather, they set flame to the championship aspirations of the Ducks, and perhaps even the PAC-12 conference. The Sundevils had a swashbuckling start to the year, logging a 5-1 start with a variety of handsome wins. Since, they’ve been a disaster. Four straight losses, some of which have been to ostensibly inferior units, erased a season of promise and progress under second year coach Herm Edwards. In October, we had Herm billed as the brilliant mastermind of a program turnaround; before kick off on Saturday, an NFL also-ran come to meander to his retirement in the temperate comfort of college coaching fame. But when the Sun Devils brought to bear the hellish flame which the desert so kindly kindles, a season of angst was turned to ash, and now the ambitious campaign has been sparked a’new.

 

The Oregon Ducks have been one of the best teams in the country since their gut wrenching, last second loss to Auburn to start the year. They were keen enough to the notion that dreams come to die in the desert - this has happened before - and in the thick of the playoff race, knew the importance of escaping the arid moors in their quest for the promised land. But they played as if their ships were still at dock, when in fact their hope for a championship has now set sail without a single duck on board.

 

But the winds of fate blew well early under the wings of the Duck, as a strong drive to start the game gave an early lead for Oregon. RB C.J Verdell and QB Justin Herbert exchanged plays on the 80 yard march, and it seemed the expedition would have a favorable conclusion. But on the fourth play of Arizona State’s next drive, the somewhat enigmatic and certainly talented QB Jayden Daniels launched a 57 yard touchdown strike to the imposing WR Frank Darby, who was only just beginning his remarkable day. The Ducks made it 70 yards to answer but were stuffed on fourth and 1 in the red zone, the first of some crucial first half stands by ASU. Arizona State enacted an identical drive on the following possession, but kicked a field goal instead of going for it; this set the halftime margin of 10-7. Cortez narrows his eyes and looks at his ship, back to his men.

 

Arizona State needed this halftime lead to reassert their lagging confidence. This was an easy upset pick because we knew that the Sun Devils would only need a few good plays to remember that they are, in fact, one of the country's better teams, despite their inconsistency and midseason slumpage. It paid off after halftime, as they marched to a first and goal before an excellent play by Ducks LB Brandon Aiyuk saw him punch through blocks on a screen and stymie the drive. The Sun Devils did claim a field goal, however. 13-7. Sails are turned to kindling.

Verdell collected a quick 26 yards on the first few plays of Oregon’s answer. Herbert hit another first down strike before missing his next three throws; Oregon would punt, setting off a chain of series in which both defensive units saw the defensive lines rise up and stop the run, while also pressuring the quarterbacks into untimely throws; one of these was especially disastrous, as Herbert threw an interception on a slant as ASU LB Jack Jones made an excellent, anticipatory jump to cut the route off. Needing only four plays to traverse the short 32 yards, Daniels again found Darby on a 26 yard laser, a highpointed catch brought down in the front corner of the endzone. Kindle to Hull.

 

But there wasn’t any pressure on Herbert’s next throw, which is why we were surprised to see him throw another interception. The Ducks defense held strong, finally having committed extra resources to hold down Darby and having figured out the rest of the attack. Still, the short field gave the Sun Devils a field goal. Only 8 minutes remained in the fourth quarter and Oregon faced a 24-7 deficit; there was no option for retreat, and the season was on the line. Licking flames and panicked quacks.

 

The urgency was not lost on the Ducks. Needing less than a minute to answer, a scorching screen that loped half the field and sailing 15 yard throws set up Cyrus Habbib-Likio for a 10 yard jaunt into the endzone. 24-14. After the kickoff, ASU faced a 3rd and 3 but their screen pass to Benjamin was snuffed out. Now needing only 44 seconds to find the endzone, the Ducks exploded again, receiver Johnny Johnson III catching all 3 passes of the drive for 66 yards to bring the score within 3. The stadium was stunned. The blowout had been blown up in less than two minutes. 24-21, with about 5 to go. 

 

Again the Ducks stopped ASU on first and second down. You could feel the seismic shift in momentum as if the very earth was cracking to call the Sun Devils back to their hellish domain. Instead, on a dastardly 3rd and 16, Daniels looked to the heavens and skied an 81 yard bomb to WR Brandon Aiyuk for a jaw dropping touchdown. It was as if the rotation of the earth had been stopped, as Oregon’s momentum had been palpable, a sense of doom sinking the Sun Devils as the game mirrored their season, Ducks darting about and scoring in seconds and backwards the Sun Devils offense and down the defense and, and…! Then the shock of the touchdown. 31-21, ASU on top.

 

But the Oregon offense had unlocked their fountain of youth, so to speak. They surged right back down the field, Herbert continually hitting boundary out routes for 10 yard chunks as the Ducks scored again with less than 2 minutes left. And then the onsides kick came, and while it was not a poor attempt, the Sun Devils recovered it. An 8 yard run on first down put the game on a sliver; then Eno Benjamin fell forward for the game winning conversion. For the Ducks, it was like hell on earth; For Arizona State, like the sun had come down to engulf their foes. And so the dreams of Oregon, and perhaps the PAC-12, went up like the dancing flames of a Devilish dirge.

 

Readers of last week’s edition knows that the Peasant Handbook was adamant about this upset call, because an emotional climax for Arizona State was impending and the Ducks had peaked against USC. This created a perfect firestorm which left Oregon vulnerable to but a few mistakes. The most damaging, of course, was the 81 yard bomb on 3rd and 16; as Darby was being double covered, it left Aiyuk singled up and Daniels threw the most impressive, most important throw of his young career. Paired with the consecutive interceptions from Herbert that pushed ASU’s lead, it created a scenario in which Oregon’s answers came too late. And they did find the answer; screen passes and out routes, punctuated by mid-depth post routes that became uncoverable. It’s a credit to the Oregon staff and Herbert, but they simply ran out of time. Arizona State played excellent defense for the first ~50 minutes, and the Ducks groove was held up just long enough by the interceptions to hold off the barrage.

I’m deeply disappointed for Oregon. I’m of a mind that they match up well against Utah and will likely win the PAC-12 championship. This is no small feat and should be lauded, but this loss removes them from playoff contention. They’ve had a damn fine season and have built the outline of a dangerous scheme; aggressive, athletic defense to match the expansive PAC-12 style of offense, along with a more pro-style offense that allows ball control and physical domination without losing the explosiveness that their twitchy slot-types have branded. It’s an excellent mix, but made possible in large part because of Herbert’s versatility. Coach Mario Cristobal is killing it on the recruiting trail but Herbert is a legit first rounder, and one has to wonder if they can sustain the level of play at the position. The good news is that the defense has been one of Oregon’s best in quite some time, and can pick up some slack in the coming years. But it’ll be hard not to see this year as a lost opportunity. They largely controlled the game against Auburn before losing in the final seconds, ripped off nearly 3 months of wins, but this loss, while forgivable and in-line with PAC-12 lore, is somewhat inexplicable for a title contender. It’s a brutal reminder that cowardly teams like Alabama and their soft schedule is the best strategy for making the playoffs. Oregon is getting punished for showing courage and initiative; if they had just scheduled another meatball like ‘Bama does, this lone loss would be sustainable. It’s unfair. Kind of like how I’ll never get to meet the mother of my cat and take her out to a dinner of wet food and tell her ‘Tanx 4 trusting me with ur baby boi.’ But a PAC-12 title and a potential Rose Bowl/NY6 Bowl Berth offers the chance for a 12-2 season, which would be a stunning success for a program on the rebound. 2019 playoff aspirations may have been spoiled, but the Ducks fit the bill of championship team. The PAC crown awaits.

 

IDK what Arizona State wants from us. Are we supposed to cheer? Golf clap? Immolate ourselves? That’s what they did over the month of October and early November. A thrilling 5-1 start burnt out into a shameful losing streak as this team played well below its potential, culminating in a loss to Utah in which they barely reached 100 yards of offense. Let’s write that off as a freshman QB struggling against a top-10 defense on the road; A loss to USC is similarly forgivable. But then there’s that whole UCLA and Oregon State thing, in which the defense fell flat and played exceptionally poor(As happened in their early season loss to Colorado). I’m not sure what’s at cause for their inconsistent play. The coaching staff is experienced enough(Years of NFL experience) to understand adjustments and scheme. It may be fatigue but I’m hard pressed to believe that they’re in such poor shape, relative to their opponents. Even in this game the defense nearly fell off a cliff, giving up 3 touchdown drives over the span of 15 plays while the game was on the line. A lot of it is on the defensive line; the defensive tackles get crushed by doubles, the ends shoot too far upfield (when they get penetration, which is spotty) and the defensive backfield just seems to lose its mind. Herbert abused them on corner/out routes time and again. I saw linebackers taking poor angles at the point of attack and the unit goes from a really solid brand of team ball to isolated players making bizarre mental errors. Even still, the future on offense is extremely bright for ASU; Daniels is a frosh, Darby and Benjamin are juniors, and line play has improved as a whole. The defense, though, has got to figure out how to play four quarters over 12 games. Until they do, expect this type of variance; stunning losses and blistering wins. The Devil always gets his due. And his duck.

 

 

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Plebius eyes the Champion warily. His cape is formly and bright, scabbard finely kept and his hilt of ivory and gemstone. Plebius’ master has requisitioned a new warrior be brought into his retinue after the last choked to death on a big brown nut. And after the rest had done battle here stood the victor, the sellsword of prim repute. But Plebius was hesitant. Something about the man seemed false.

 

He asked the applicant to recount his battle circuit that propelled him to the top of the list. The warrior blinked twice and began to belt out an answer.

“They fell before my Blade! I am the Southern Knight, known in my land as the Essesean Sword! What more there be to know?”
Plebius stirs his bark soup. “I question the quality of the felled. You emerged from the tournament nearly unscathed. I wish to know if indeed you are the finest warrior in the land, or if those you fought beckon falsely your strength.”
The Champion tugs at his curriass. “Beyond the grove and through the hamlet we toured, seeking the callosed shield arm and whetted spear! No peasant or prole went noticed, nobles and knights alone answered our call! And in fair and furious battle I emerged! Now, you mentioned something of a monthly retainer..?”
Plebius narrows his eyes. “Draw thy blade, rogue.”
The Champion puffs his chest. “What claim would I have to servitude were I to kill the manservant of my ward? No, no, I shan’t draw against you, lest I lop an arm, or worse.”
Now Plebius is alert. “I insist, fair knight. Let steel meet and be determined your mettle.”

The Champion grabs at his hilt, yanking with all his might. The sword does not come loose.
“Your hilt strap, sir.” Plebius says, a grin twisting up his lips.
The Champion chuckles nervously, unlatching his sword. He draws the blade, a fine thing of Damascus Steel, engraved with ancient hieroglyphs of a language long lost. It flops loosely in his wrist. Plebius draws his rusted bronze gladius and squares the man up.
“Strike me.” says Plebius.
“Oh, I musn’t good sir. I wish not to - “
Plebius charges and the man wilts, throwing his blade to the ground and kicking out a noodled leg as he topples over. He cowers on the ground before Plebius.
“Yield, I yield sir!”
Plebius sheathes his sword. “And I take the tournament was filled with the lard and lank of the weakly, then? You formed the tournament that only you could win, that the facade would paint you a most noble victor and the prime candidate to be this here Champion?”
The Beguiled Knight shivers and grabs Plebius’ leg. “I only wished to serve a noble of such repute! Mercy, Plebius, mercy!”
Plebius leans down. “Mercy, yes. But expect not such clemency from those beyond.”

 

--

 

And now begins Rivalry week. The foreign conflicts waged to their exhaustion, now the tired armies must face their most familiar foes. A season of narrative and nomenclature can be upended or enshrined in this single game, the fickle fortune of College Football reaching climactic overture. A year of misery or magnificence stands to be elongated or elevated with one game. Rivalry week has no master, no caste, no memory. It will be reduced to the brazen fairness of chaos, but don’t expect any justice. Teams that deserve acclaim could fall and suffer unending critique or the unwashed whelps could rise and enjoy unfounded adulation. And so Week 13 was the proverbial moment of silence before the funeral of some, and the coronation of others. Many teams laboured through this week like someone who knows that it only gets harder to breathe as they rise to the peak, but others cowered in their uncertainty and took refuge in some misbegotten cave of self assurance. I speak of the Essesean Knight. Rather, the SEC.

 

‘It just means more’ is the SEC’s smug mantra. Perhaps in some regards this rings true. A significant portion of the sport’s best athletes come from the south, and many of them remain close to home and attend a southern school. In addition to the nearly unmatched passion of southern fanbases - you’ll often find fans dressed in black-tie attire in 90 degree heat(I LOVE THIS) - the SEC does have a claim to being one of the nation’s most dramatic, intense, and talented conferences, matching the BIG 10 as the two most prestigious conferences of the sport in recent years.

 

 But the SEC embarasses themselves and the sport with their weak...er, Week 13 scheduling. Where most conferences are in the thick of their regional slate, playing heated games with regular league familiars that serve as another leg in the grueling gauntlet of a 9-game conference schedule, the SEC decides to take the week off playing miserable cupcake teams in order to preserve the perception of being the best conference in football.

 

November is the month of champions, and this late in the season the entire paradigm of game day has shifted. Wins mean more in November. No longer are you expecting your team to blow out inferior foes or get roasted by the top contenders as you would early in the year. Injuries, physical and emotional fatigue, and the ever increasing buy-in means that contending teams are on upset watch every week. It’s so hard to persist through the entire year without being upset or upsetting, and in November, the rolling die that favored the audacious early in the season have been rolled enough to encourage the improbable to happen. Teams just want to survive, glory be damned. But the reprehensible SEC, they of pomp and supposition of superiority, offer humiliating exhibitions when the rest of the nation is sweating blood. It’s a red herring of their success. They play one less conference game than everyone else, so of course they look good adding to their win total late in the year, deceitfully manipulating the recency bias of a November win when other teams are combatting the toll of the season. We’ve got Alabama, still snivelling from their loss to LSU (which was a de-facto playoff game), playing Downton Abbey Tech. Auburn is playing Apple Salad State (ASS, for those unsure). Mississippi State playing Canadian Institute of Hospitality and Pacifism. Kentucky playing the Interred Jesuit Monks Teachers College. What an absolute embarrassment to the sport of College Football.

 

Some teams are exempt. Georgia scheduled Notre Dame. LSU played at Texas. These teams made honest efforts to play at least one respectable OOC game. But this problem is also reaching its tendrils across the sport. North Carolina played a thriller against Mercer, which sounds like a Medieval battle, even if the game was a modern pillow fight. Virginia played Liberty, which seems a state acting like a 30 year old burn out recalling high school like, ‘ Man, remember how sick the Revolutionary War was? I was so ‘bout seizing liberty from the Monarchy.’   At least the Big Ten only had one embarrassing episode of this, with Michigan State playing Rutgers.

 

*Phone Rings*
“Offices of the Peasant, how may I help you?”

*Inaudible chatter*
“They - they are? No, yeah - ok. Yea, ok.”

 

Ok, well, I guess discount that last one. Appearances can be deceiving. (MICROTRANSGRESSION)

 

Sometimes schedules turn out to be easy, and it’s beyond the team’s control. Clemson is exhibit A. While I was slightly annoyed to see Clemson play a November game against Wofford, we can’t muster a single legitimate criticism against the Tigers. Their OOC schedule includes 3 P5 teams who have all been ranked in the top-10 since the game was originally scheduled years back. Clemson is not at fault for their soft schedule. In fact, they deserve significant praise for attempting to put together a respectable slate, and it could have easily resulted in numerous losses were the teams not in relative down years. And a team like Miami, who lost to FIU this weekend in their cupcake November game, is exempt from criticism; they loaded their schedule up with blue blood teams, like FSU and Florida. Not all November farce games are made equal.

 

 Most of the country is deadlocked in brutal trap games, but the Ponzi-scheming chumps - primarily the SEC - are so insecure that they need an extra bye-week built in before Rivalry week hits. Now, I’m not criticizing the players or coaches, as they don’t control this stuff, but the administrative claw of the SEC knows damn well what it’s doing. They’re flinching in hovels of delicate sensibilities and waiting for other contenders to pick each other off. They don’t even have the honor to call it a bye week, which it is. They get to rest and recover while everyone else continues to toil to the top, content in hoping that some of the high climbers will fall, and then wanting to use their trail and warily observe where the more intrepid slipped up. That they are not punished for this is sickening, made even worse by their inflated rankings. They know that top teams like Oregon will get picked off in *real* games this week and they’ll smugly slide in. “See? We told you we were a top team. We win in November.”

 

It’s nauseating. It is gutless cowardice and they know damn well they can use it to manipulate the rankings to try and weasel their way into improved postseason position. “Oh, look, SEC team A won five games straight to end the year.” - just don’t mention that one of them was a fucking joke. It is a disrespect to the players, the coaches, the fans, and the sport of College Football.

 

Believe it or not, I’ve got nothing against Alabama. I think a few dominant programs are good for a sport, as they bring in a lot of attention and offer weekly opportunities for upsets, to say nothing of being an awesome team to watch. And I love that Saban is truly a madman. But watching Alabama play Western Kentucky while also whining and pleading for a playoff spot is a brand of hypocrisy that would be comical were it not so shameful. If the playoff committee has any spine, they’ll look at this game and conclude that Alabama was too anxious to play in a competitive setting this late in the season and before the Iron Bowl. Thus, it’s best to give them a cushy bowl game against a G5; Baal forbid they get tested. If Alabama makes the playoffs after this disgraceful display of OOC scheduling (Duke, Western Kentucky, New Mexico State, Southern Miss), I will eat my hands.

 

You wanna know what ‘just means more’? Playing competitive football games. Every SEC team that partook in the sham-showing of this week - whose own fan bases even dislike these punchless wins - should be lowered a rank or two, regardless of how much they won by. It hurts the entire sport as SEC teams remain entrenched in the month where rankings should be most dynamic. Until they are punished for this tomfoolery, SEC November football just means nothing. 

 

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Additive Factoids….

 

#4 Georgia - 19

Texas A&M - 13

And what of the pin? We polish the ball, praise its sheen and strength. Glorify it as a WMD in cartoons. But nobody cares about the pin. Bowling is a sadistic sport, in that the object of victory is the most abused. They line up only to be knocked down, an injustice that makes light their noble goal of fortitude. And when they succeed in withstanding the assault, they draw only angst.

 

Texas A&Pin has, in my recollection, the most brutal schedule of recent memory. It even set a record - when they play LSU on Saturday, it will be the third time this season they’ve played the #1 ranked team(Clemson and Bama). Add in games against top 5 Georgia and top 10 Auburn, and you’ve got a lane in which a never ending barrage of heavy objects is constantly hurled at Jimbo Fisher's attempts to guide A&M into an SEC power. They are struck but never seem to get the strike they need, scratch and claw like a Turkey on the way to Thanksgiving dinner, and still find themselves outmatched by an endless array of the nations best teams gobbling them up to improve their strength of record. We could at least give them some bumpers.

 

Saturday, there was plenty of bumping and sliding and slipping and general bumblage as a dreary day in Athens gave way to a sloppy game. The Georgia offense continues its worrisome trend of ineffective play, failing to crack 300 yards yet again. This provided a window to the Aggies, who were themselves unable to produce much, in large part due to the defensive dominance the Dawgs are using to hold their championship hopes aloft. The first half saw ten punts and interspersed field goals. A total of six first half drives - three for each team - went backwards. Only one drive went over 30 yards. Fromm was lacking confidence and it affected RB De’andre Swift, as the Aggies keyed in on the run game and threw everyone at the line. Yea, he logged 100+ yards, but that was the offense; Fromm only completed 11 of his 23 passes and needed serious YAC assistance to just cross 150 yards. But the Aggies weren’t doing much better.

 

The slow first half saw one good Georgia drive in which Fromm had his only truly decisive series, hitting three good throws for nearly 60 yards, the last of which was snagged by George Pickens to seal their only touchdown of the day. The 13-3 halftime margin didn’t last long, as A&M fumbled immediately out of the break; this was a brutal, game changing error, because Georgia didn’t even need to move the ball - and didn’t - to notch another field goal. The Aggies got to Georgia's 26 on their next drive - by far their deepest incursion on the day - before being stuffed on a predictable 4th and 1 run. It was emblematic of Georgia's dominant season against the run, and emphasizes that anything short of their run stopping brilliance would probably see the Dawgs with another loss or two. The Dawgs stumbled back ten yards, booting a scruffly punt that gave A&M a short field; this time, when they neared the red zone and were stopped, they went with the field goal. Georgia matched it with a solid 61 yard drive of their own - made possible by a huge run-after-catch by Pickens from Fromm - before A&M finally managed a comprehensive scoring drive. They had abandoned the run; QB Kellen Mond threw all ten plays of the drive. It was the game’s final points. A&M punted late in the fourth after marching nearly 50 yards down the field in a somewhat strange decision. And when Georgia needed some first downs, they rode Swift and his partner RB Brian Herrian to a series of conversions to close the deal. The A&M defense was gassed.

 

On this rainy day, A&M ran 33 plays in the second half; they threw 31 times, completely abandoning the run and ending the day with -2 yards rushing. Had A&M even been able to muster a measly 50 yards they could have sustained drives and removed Georgia's pressure from Mond - which directly took points away from A&M by sacking out some promising drives - I think A&M would have won this game. Because Georgia had only two drives go over 26 yards, and that is bad. A&M actually outgained them with half an offense, and while I want to credit both defenses for excellent play, A&M’s defense doesn’t quite have the repute the Dawgs have - they are solid, but not enough to explain such a miserable day from Fromm and Co. This late season slump makes me wonder if Georiga is a serious contender. Yes, they’ve gutted out some solid wins against good teams, namely Florida and Auburn - good teams find ways to win, period. And Fromm has had a few games where he looked like himself. But as a whole, this unit has been highly ineffective, and while I’m impressed that they’ve closed out two games with clutch, grinding 4 minute drills, they also played with fire against Notre Dame and Auburn by failing to gather more than 50 4th quarter yards/more than 2 first downs. It’s not sustainable, and they’re going to get picked off unless their offense can at least put up some average-ish numbers. When their total yardage is lower than a lot of bowling scores, we have reason to be concerned.

 

Confidence seems to be a major issue. Fromm isn’t throwing his receivers open, instead waiting for them to open up. This leads to a lot of late throws that are behind, and then he compensates by trying to put them high as he doesn’t want to lob an interception. This of course sends more defenders into the box, and all credit goes to Swift on the O-line for being able to grind out yards. Georgia won’t have a shot to win the SEC title/beyond unless the defense is able to hold opponents under 20 points, which would also mean Georgia gets more chances offensively. I could see Fromm playing well in a big game, but the lack of continuity is highly worrying. Even still, the Dawgs are bound for a handsome bowl, a just reward for what has been a strong season. But those in Athens won’t feel that way without a championship.

 

I can’t really muster much criticism for A&M. They’re a growing program who have played, what, 10 top-10 teams in the last two seasons? When they’re fully equipped - and next year, a softer schedule and more complete team should constitute this - we’ll expect some progress. The Aggies did have their chances to win this, though; namely, Fishes call to go for it instead of kicking the field goal and punt from Georgia's side of the field was potentially the tying - or winning - points. The abandonment of the run game was probably necessary, but in a slog like this, a few 4-6 runs could have made a world of difference, especially considering that the Georgia D-line was operating with impunity. It’s disappointing, but close losses to good teams is the last step a program has to make before they can win close against good teams. Use this gauntlet for what it is; a bevy of experience that not many teams will have. Hopefully for the Aggies, their bowling towards the foundation of a strong program.

 

#9 Oklahoma - 28

TCU - 24

 

What better than the fantasy of a space opera? Escape this here our mortal mundanity, the failing harvests of rhubarb and apple blight which raises apple juice prices $.56 a gallon (That adds up to hundreds of dollars for me). Aye, worlds replete with wondrous beasts and spectral powers. And, of course, a common minimization of realism and practicality.

 

Darth Maul was made famous, in no small part, for his dual-sided lightsaber(Or laser sword, as that idiot with the bowl cut in 4th grade would call it). But if one has ever fashioned a makeshift facsimile of Maul’s weapon, they would know how dangerous it is. Not for the foe, necessarily, but for the wielder.

 

Jalen Hurts may have some connection to the force for his stunning skill. Last week against Baylor, he was the Chosen One, conducting a timelessly magnificent comeback that will live forever in the hearts of College Football fans (Sorry, Baylor <3). But Darth Hurts, wielding that iconic saber with flourish and precision last week, has also shown a propensity to nick himself. And the same weapon that powers his team Hurts his team.

 

The Oklahoma Death Star has looked unstoppable for most the season, largely due to the resurgence of a defense that in 2018 was as effective at stopping opposing offenses as Storm Troops are accurate. But they surpassed the requisite ‘average’ and were even good for the first stretch of the season. Then came K-State, and we hoped it was a blip on the ‘dar. Then Iowa State. Then Baylor eviscerated them for a half(They did step up in a big way, but Baylor also collapsed). And against TCU, they regained some of their form. But Darth Hurts, twirling and jumping and spinning about, again cut himself. In what has become a troubling trend, Hurts turnovers are pushing the Sooners to the dark side.

 

TCU is hardly an explosive team on offensive, but they do have some solid pieces, namely the promising QB Max Duggan. But it didn’t show early. Their first 3 drives totaled a measly -17 yards. Meanwhile, an Oklahoma team that was still twitchy from their adrenaline fueled comeback the week prior, scored on their first three possessions, courtesy of some Jalen Hurts 3rd down scrambles, RB Kennedy Brooks churning solid yardage, and of course their dynamic receivers pulling in pinpoint throws from Jalen. And it seemed that the first half of the Baylor game would be the emotional lowpoint of the season for the Sooners, and like a slingshot, pulled them down so they could shoot back up and regain championship form. Meesa have a baaad feeling.

 

TCU finally found a crack; Duggan took a run for 62 yards, getting the Horned Frogs on the board. In one play they had tripled their production from the first 20 minutes of gametime. And then began the phase of the game in which the Sooners continually made errors to keep TCU hanging around. A quick Sooner fumble gave TCU a field goal right before half. The TCU defense - a pretty solid unit, as per usual - had stepped up and settled in. A 21-10 halftime deficit for TCU - the game in Norman - actually felt pretty good.

 

The Sooners used a nice kick off return to get to TCU’s side of the field out of the break, but were sacked on an attempted fourth down conversion. The short field set up three long runs - two by Duggan - which TCU used to cash in a touchdown. 21-17. It would be their last offensive score of the day.

 

The Sooners seemed angry at this development. Hurts led a powerful drive for a score, pushing the margin to 11. They forced a quick TCU punt and again Hurts led a strong drive; but this time, the double-edged Saber sliced the Sooners. On the goalline, Hurts threw an interception that was returned a whopping 98 yards for a touchdown. The Horned Frogs were jazzed up, and that dreadful cloud of ‘Not again’ was rising in Sooner guts; this same story had played out with the Cyclones just two weeks prior.

But Hurts had found a rhythm moving the ball, so there was some confidence the Sooners could answer. And they did, storming down the field, Hurts gliding across midfield for a 32 yard scramble...and fumbling. Luckily for the Sooners, some combination of bad offense and good defense stopped the Horned Frogs. Oklahoma would find themselves in a similar quandary, the TCU defense getting an enormous fourth down stop to give themselves a gasping chance as the game entered its final minutes. The fate of both teams, TCU looking to secure a bowl bid as the best 6 loss team in the country, and the Sooners vying for a playoff run, would be decided.

 

By the refs, that is. The game would be decided by the refs. True, TCU only managed 19 yards before throwing an interception, the second week in a row that the Sooners have grabbed a crucial fourth quarter turnovers. But TCU still had time to get a stop. Which they did. On four straight runs, the TCU defense stopped Hurts and Brooks. The 4th and 1 play saw Hurts met at the line of scrimmage and pushed back, a clean yard short of the first down. The refs botched the call so you figured review would set it straight. You figured review would set it straight*AHEM*. You figured...wait, what? Somehow, someway, in some fantasy realm, the refs decided to double down on a terrible call. They awarded Hurts the first down, even when a dismayed gasp emerged from the Sooner faithful as they saw on replay that Hurts was short. Oklahoma knelt the ball out from there.

 

Gary Patterson looks like a marginalized I.T guy who installed a great workplace system but went unacknowledged and who’s still angry about being bulled in grade school and he doesn’t like his wife or kids and so he goes home and sits in front of the mirror and slowly pulls out a shoebox. This shoebox has his favorite bowling glove. He spreads his fingers, slipping on the thing, then finally catches eye contact with himself in the mirror. 

“Its show time.” he whispers. As he storms out, his cig-smoking wife watching late night barely looks as she shouts something about needing more money for her nose job. Cue the montage of the bright lights of, uh, Fort Worth as 80’s dance music plays and Patterson furiously hits the lanes, losing himself. He finds peace in these rare moments.

 

In reality, Patterson probably has a loving family and great life. But Saturday, he was rightfully furious for an unfathomable error. It begs for conspiracy theories. It begs for the construction of a guillotine. Yes, TCU had plenty of other chances to win, and they failed to do so. No, getting that stop did not mean TCU would score a touchdown. Absolutely, they should have had that chance before being robbed by a refferring crew who is either incompetent or corrupt. Occam's razor (or Lightsaber) would suggest the former; late nights huddled in my blanket watching College Football highlights from 1987 and muttering to myself about long standing schemes to promote the conference at the expense of justice would give a shred of credibility to the latter. But as per usual, it doesn’t matter. TCU got jobbed. The Sooners won.

 

And I don’t mean to ignore Oklahoma’s accomplishment. Listen, TCU is way better than their record suggests. Patterson is a great coach and gets his teams up for big games; the defense has grown into a strong unit, and Duggan has some playmaking ability. Oklahoma cut themselves time and again and still beat a good team. I am particularly impressed with the defense, who are trying to bounce back from their midseason slump, and for the second week in a row grabbed a game sealing interception. The defensive line showed up late, and the linebackers corralled Duggan’s scrambling attempts late while also cutting off his short crossing routes. But boy, what are we to do with Darth Jalen? He has given the Sooners their best and worst plays of the year. Hundreds of yards per game are made empty by his goal line turnovers( he’s made them three weeks in a row) and the Sooner defense could improve on sudden change scenarios, as teams are turning these turnovers into points. The Sooners out gained TCU 500-200 and still had to win this sphincter tightening fashion. The pick-6 was emblematic; even a field goal in that instance ends this game. Instead, Oklahoma - a team needing to garner style points in a perception driven playoff system - barely escapes past an unranked team for their second consecutive home game.

 

Hurts was playing near perfect football to start the season. We could say this patch is a personified average laying down the law. Or it could be the start of a new trend which could seriously threaten the Sooners chances for championships. It’s hard to tell how Baylor will react when they play again for the Big 12 title; but I know a few Hurts turnovers will necessitate another miraculous comeback, and you don’t want to play that game twice. The damage may already be done to Oklahoma’s image. They’ll need to apply some serious force to close the season to win back the Council.

 

I weep for TCU. They’ve improved significantly as the season has gone on. I like the defensive line a lot; they generate pressure and muck up the backfield on 3/4th and shorts. The secondary is aggressive and generally sharp. But they took too long to get up to form and the lack explosiveness on offense that is needed to keep up in many Big 12 games. The future is bright with Duggan, but he had a terrible game, going only 7-21 and only leading TCU to 200 yards of offense. He was also TCU’s leading rusher, having a nice 92 yard day, but you simply cannot hope to win against a team as talented as Oklahoma without a downfield passing attack, and without balance, you can’t punish a struggling defense. The T.O.P battle saw Oklahoma with 40 freakin minutes and TCU with only 20, and yet the Horned Frogs defense held strong. I’m seeing a team that is building character for what I would guess will be a strong 2020. If Duggan can muster a modest ~200 pass yards a game on anything north of ~53%, then this is a team that should be able to hit >9 wins next year. I know it’s frustrating for the Horned Frogs, but these sorts of years happen. Let’s wait till next season to judge this one.

 

Busters and Beavers

This week’s Big Time Buster:

(AKA an excuse to criticize the NFL IN THIS TRYING TIME OF NEAR OFF SEASON DAMMIT)

Youngstown State QB Nathan Mays and his teammates. Mays was playing his final game on Senior Day but suffered a game ending injury. So his mates carried him out onto the field for one final snap that he could end his career the way he started it; leading his brothers through fields of glory. Sure, it’s not a novel concept. But it is yet more ammunition to combat the ‘It’s just a game crowd.’ Yea, the NFL? That’s just a game. A sterile, flat, excruciatingly lifeless mechanical function that is probably the reason why people who don’t like football think it’s boring. Even better, its run by some of the most disgusting human beings alive.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   (My favorite line I’ve read about this; Hit the Mary Jane? You’re kicked out of the league. Hit Mary and Jane? Eh, let’s pretend it didn't happen, but just don’t do it again, lol k? And make sure you keep your stats up.) You’d never see anything remotely equating compassion in the NFL. But this is a neat moment in a season of heartthrob that reminds us that there are still some shreds of hope and innocence left in this world, even in big, bruising offensive linemen. Hurrah for the boys at Youngstown State, reminding us that our hope in the young is well placed.

 

This week’s Beaver Meat:

 

-Manny Diaz, who has sustained one of the worst losses in Miami program history, falling to FIU in a game that wasn’t really competitive. This is a black mark that is absolutely devastating for a first year coach looking to build his reputation, made indefensible in that his team was more-or-less dominated. A number of decommitments followed directly after the loss; Miami now has a stunning 22 4-star decommitments in the last year; that’s more talent than all but 4 teams in the entire sport are able to pull in during any given recruiting cycle. I’m not sure Coral Gables will ever forgive this. It’s dramatic, yes, and perhaps reactionary, but the simple truth is that a loss like this can permanently derail a coaches career. Nothing can be accomplished this season that can redress this humiliation.

 

Bonus Beavermeat:

-Alabama, who played a sham game and will likely miss the playoffs due in part because of it. (Again, I’m not blaming the players or the coaches. They don’t deserve this crap either.)

 

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Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to varying levels of Expectedness, Incompetence, or Irrelevance…

 

-All the teams playing in shammy fraudulent Ponzi scheme games - you know who you are - will not be mentioned out of respect for the Sport and to the teams that actually, you know, decided to play football in the Month of Champions. Crazy idea, huh? Also, many of the ‘lesser’ teams will have significant narrative summaries, as next week will be more focused on the contenders and I don’t want to ignore some of the major storylines surrounding teams like Kansas and Colorado, which the national media shamefully ignores. I’ll try to cover every somewhat compelling P5 team in the next few weeks. If I miss your team, leave a helpful comment, like how you’re going to burn my house down or try and court my mother, and I’ll do my best to wrap their season up with next week’s write write up.

 

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#1 LSU smoked the Hogs of Arkansas, 56-20. Arkansas actually appeared interested in trying to win, which made for a 7-3 score after the first quarter, but this was never going to end well for them. Burrow solidifies his Heisman and the Hogs keep reeling from the disaster that was Chad Morris.

 

#7 Utah crushed Arizona, 35-7. The Utes simply suffocated the Wildcats and this game never had the feel of a contest. Utah controlled the ball for basically the entire first quarter with taxing drives and it sort of felt like a headlock; a slow, steady choke out of an Arizona team that didn’t really seem to believe. The Utes probably can’t climb high enough to reach the playoffs without major help, and Oregon’s loss hurts them in this regard. They’ve locked up their division and should, at worst, be invited to a NY6 bowl game. This has been a great season.

 

#9 Minnesota cruised to a win over Northwestern, 38-22, and no, the game was not as close as the score would indicate. Northwestern does not deserve to be this bad, and it makes me sad. Coach Pat Fitzgerald, despite having being a feisty little weasel, is an awesome guy and one of the nations better coaches, relative to what he has. But the lacking depth at a school like NW is telling, and when you miss on a QB - which amazingly Fitz has rarely done - you can be left with an offense that is historically bad. In fact, this is only the third time this year the Mildcats have scored more than 20 points. Two of those games have been losses, the lone win against UNLV. The defense is still one of the better units in the nation, but as we regularly harp on in this space, they are cratered by broken will and punishing T.O.P stats which see them with few breaks, physically and emotionally. I really hope the Cats can dig themselves out of this, and while I know fans want OC Brian McCall’s head, the issues run deeper. They just don’t have the talent at the skill positions to success. If they can get a QB that is even serviceable, they’ll be right back to bowl contention in the blink of an eye. Godspeed, Mildcats. Meanwhile, Minnesota did...fine. This wasn’t a game that they could have lost, so I’m not sure how much I can take from it. Yes, it’s an important bounceback win. Yes, they controlled the game from start to finish. But this game really serves as an emotional bridge to their massive game next week to decide the B1G West. That game will define this year and set into motion a years-long narrative.

 

#12 Wisconsin took down Purdue, 45-24. The Boilermakers showed some impressive fight, even notching a 17-14 lead late in the second quarter. But the physicality of Taylor wore down their depleted front and the Badgers closed off their offensive success to put it out of reach. The Badgers amassed a punishing 604 yards of total offense, 224 of which went to the underappreciated star RB Johnathon Taylor, who seems to break a new record every time he carries the ball. Coan returned to his mechanical efficiency, going 15-19 and grabbing a smooth 200 yards, managing the game in a way that only a white-Wisconsinite QB can (MICROTRANSGRESSION). The teams traded some early blows, Purdue scoring on their first three drives in impressive fashion, aided by a fumble in taking the 3 point lead. But from there, the Boilermakers ran out of steam; they wouldn’t score again till five drives later, when the Badgers had blasted their way to a 38-17 lead. Taylor’s one knock is that he occasionally struggles with fumblerooskis; another two left the door open Purdue, but the Badgers defense controlled the middle part of the game. And it was never really in doubt once, even though Wisconsin spent their final 9(!) possessions of the game alternating turnovers and touchdowns. And in what is becoming a somewhat troubling trend, their early season defensive dominance has tapered off somewhat as the Badgers have now surrendered upwards of 380+ yards since early October. They are generally keeping opponents under 24 points but with their sporadic turnovers and an inability to chain explosive plays I’m concerned, as usual, what happens when the Badgers go down in a game in which they cannot simply just spam Taylor to erode their opponent. Coan is hopefully past his mid-season rough patch, as his efficient play is absolutely necessary if their offense is going to be methodical; when they do hit 3rd and 4, he has to be able to hit the fullback in the flat or the crossing slot. Illinois provided the blueprint for beating the Badgers, and these briefly nervous games of past weeks see the same issues crop up. A few turnovers puts the entire team behind schedule, and their lack of explosiveness means that their margin for error shrinks substantially with each failed drive or surrendered score. Against a good run defense, like we saw vs OSU, they essentially have to execute perfect football, which for Wisconsin means Taylor is managing at least four-five yards every time he catches the ball, Coan is hitting some 70% of his short throws, and the defense makes opponents go on long drives. In College, this is just really hard to do, which is why I’m concerned for the Badgers as they enter their season defining stretch. Minnesota will sell out to stop the run; if they can keep Wiscy to under 200 yards rushing then that means Coan will have to be ‘on’ - if he’s not, or if the Badgers turn it over, then their entire system gets disrupted and unfortunately, Wisconsin does not adapt very well to adverse circumstances. The upside is that they are essentially unbeatable when their simple, limited means of victory are working well. As usual, the season will end on Taylors back. Purdue, sitting at 4-7, would usually have devolved into Purdoo-doo at this point, but this is the most stricken team I’ve seen in years in that their ~5 most important players have all been lost for the season. That’s really screwy, because we’ve seen some impressive resilience and growth from Brohm’s unit over the course of the season. They really want to steal a win against Indiana to close the season so they can go into the off-season with the knowledge that they did in fact grow, despite the rotten luck. This will imbue them with the confidence they’ll need to have their long-awaited breakout year in 2020. All things considered, it could be worse. That same mantra is what got me through 5 years of Community College. 

You could have been born with panmorphic dibeaverism, Andrew. Polydidactic Mesobeavosys is manageable. Besides, think how many guys would kill to have an online girlfriend who is a model in Los Angeles and has been using your income to turn investments into millions so the two of you can retire together and breed hampsters?

*Checks messages*

“HAY BB NEDE NUTHER $500 WE BOUT 2 GET DA BIG 1, SEND FAST QUIK, LUV CHAZTITTY.”

*Brow flickers. Cat looks accusingly with narrow eyes. Begins double fisting St. Julians furiously.*

 

#13 Michigan crushed Indiana, 39-14. Indiana scored right out the gate, and then again soon after. Their dink and dunk offense was giving Michigan trouble, much as it did last year, and this seemed poised to be one of those classic WTF Indiana Michigan games. But for the first time since 2014, Michigan put their foot down and crushed the Hoosiers. After that second score, Indiana went 3-and-out 5 straight times; the Michigan offense, meanwhile, continued its evolution and is now resembling a near-elite unit. Finally utilizing their absurdly talented receiver group, QB Shea Patterson has completed one of the most impressive midseason individual turnarounds and is playing like a star. He grabbed 380 yards and 5 touchdowns, standing strong in the pocket and throwing with precision and confidence. His arcing fades are beautiful, his slants concise, his decision making prudent. This is a stunning awakening, and Michigan is playing like one of the best teams in the country - this is the first time a Harbaugh team is peaking in November. Patterson continually found his guys, Nico Collins and Ronnie Bell two among them, with Donovan Peoples-Jones nabbing a fantastic leaping fade over perfect coverage. Michigan has finally abandoned the idea that they *must* physically dominate opponents and run the ball; for the second straight week, they failed to crack 100 yards, and also blew their opponents out. This was unthinkable last year, but now the decision to bring OC Josh Gattis in has been majorly vindicated. If this is any indication of the schematic Michigan will have moving forward, then Harbuagh deserves some serious credit for making hard choices and going out on a limb, evolving from the basis of his entire coaching mantra of run-first, conservative playstyle. Michigan’s defense features highly talented, versatile players like LB Josh Uche - who is a sack machine and can cover and stop the run - to Cam McGrone, whose speed and explosive ability reminds of Devin Bush. I’m liking everything I’m seeing from Michigan right now, with a defense that is much more versatile and opportunistic and an offense finally willing to attack opponents where it hurts, not where they want it to hurt. Need I say how important next week is? And we’re going to talk about Indiana next week; I’ll explain why, but in short, this was a tough loss and this team will be defined by their ability to bounce back and close the season strong. 

#14 Baylor smothered Texas, 24-10.Yikes-a-rooni. Let’s start with Baylor. I undersold the Bears and thought they’d maybe have sown some internal doubt after that cataclysmic loss to Oklahoma last week in which they surrendered a 28 point lead. But the Bears have been proving people wrong all season, and once again used excellent defense and steady offense to score a nice bounceback win. This is the kind of resolve that indicates a growing team. The ‘Win-after-heartbreaking-loss’ is pretty high up in the hierarchy of ‘things-that-good-teams-do’. Matt Rhule is an obvious choice for Big 12 COTY, and a sure candidate for national as well. We didn’t see a deflated team hang their heads; they took it too Texas. And while I have nothing but good things to say about Baylor this year, Texas actually found a way to cheapen their win. I’m a huge Elingher fanboi and I like to see Texas do well, but holy shit, this was a limp performance. Coming off a last second loss with a flat, lifeless no-show is pretty high up in the hierarchy of ‘things-that-bad-teams-do.’ And it’s really difficult to explain. The terrible play of the defense is not. The defensive line gets almost no push, they don’t really perform stunts or keep their lanes, and don’t do much to disrupt opposing gameplans. The linebackers can cover for this and the secondary is simply vapid and goddamit what am I saying they are bad. This is a bad secondary. This is wholly a coaching issue, as these are athletic, talented kids. They have no idea how to anticipate routes, jam effectively, space properly in zone, or take good angles in run support. They bite on play action and get beat by double moves. THIS IS COACHING. And it is a recurrent theme during Herman’s tenure. They have athletic enough players to hack it for stretches but as tape accumulates and the bad coaching stacks up and fails to eliminate improper technique and tendency we see a unit utterly lacking in the basic skill sets the play the incredibly difficult position. They had decent success the last few years - last year was very nice - that has papered over these issues, but I don’t know how Herman isn’t salting the goddam earth with the bones of is defensive staff. This is not a talent or recruiting issue, and while injuries can account for stretches of bad play, it does not excuse a consistent pattern of incompetence. Next year, they’ll be losing a generational talent in Elingher off an offense that has sputtered, which is apparently Herman’s forte. Things are getting really sour in Austin, and anything but an enormous staff shakeup is going to be an indefensible oversight that likely leads to another disappointing season. Hook ‘em? Not so much this year. But now, Herman is on the hook. And he won’t just have to answer to Bevo if the defense doesn’t play to their talent level.

 

#16 Notre Dame smashed Boston College, 40-7. I mean, ya. Ok. Have you guys ever had a grapple? It’s an apple genetically modified to taste like a grape. Funky, huh?

 

#17 Iowa...I guess they won against Illinois, 19-10. This was a game that reminded me of two raccoons on an ice patch fighting over a mayonnaise-covered salmon except they’re in a spacial-time vortex which renders them at 10% speed (Rutgers looks on, excited). In the most non-offensive way possible both teams should be given a loss for this game. Illinois should also have a win removed. This was gross. So, yea, Nate Stanley crossed the 300 yard mark (bangs on ‘Nate Stanley 250 YPG’ drum) but the Hawkeyes did little on the ground. Their nearly 400 yards of offense should have equated to more than 19 points but...Raccoons, man. You’d think turnovers be at cause, but Iowa only had one; it was the Illini who were playing fast and loose with it, bumbling away two interceptions and a fumble. The Hawkeyes jumped out for a quick score, Stanley hitting 3 darts for 68 yards against ‘pre Wisconsin Illinois defense’. They drove again quickly but missed a field goal; Illinois answered with their only comprehensive drive of the game and it was tied at 7. And then began one of the most excruciating stretches of football I’ve ever seen AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. 8 punts, an interception, a missed field goals, and Iowa two chip shots constituted the rest of the half. Sooo Racoony. (Rutgers is dabbing forehead with stained handkerchief.) The second half was right in line with the first; Illinois threw an interception and then missed a field goal, while Iowa mustered only two despondent field goal drives. There were more turnover on downs, punts, fumbles, and general fuckeryations. Illinois spent long stretches of the game in the shadow of their own goal posts as this is the game Kirk Ferentz retreats to Tibetian monasteries and hallucinates on peyote for. It was a puntgasm with field position struggles. Illinois got a field goal to make it 16-10 early in the fourth quarter, aaaand then managed 18 yards for the rest of the game. I want to credit Iowa’s defense, but they did surrender nearly 200 rushing yards. The bumbling of the Illini essentially constituted 6 turnovers and much of their 336 total yards ended with nothing, even though they were actually moving the ball pretty well on a good defense. Like the Raccoon dance, it was a sloppy game between two consenting parties(The third is still doing things in the bush). It displayed the worst of both, as if each coach was trying to construct a participant learning experience for future rosters on ‘How To Not Play Good, Episode 13’. Except it’s November, guys. And they knew we’d watch it and love it because this is peak B1G football. Does this recap sound like meaningless, airy, mindless globs of nonsense? Good! Then as a writer, this is my proudest moment. And, I mean, Illinois shouldn’t be too down on themselves. They’ve been playing great football and, for the first time in a while, had an off game. Iowa should have won this game convincingly and should be concerned that they could not run the ball or close the deal at home. Stanley only hit 50% of his throws but his receivers found some huge gaps and broke tackles to boost him up. Like the Illini, many of their yards were cheap as they failed to cash in drives and stalled at the 40’s. This was just such a funky game that I am not going to bother offering analysis. Just know that the raccoons later agreed to split the fish and went to a nearby bowling alley. Inside, they were captured by Korean Separatists and auctioned for drug money. And so ends our tale of woe.

#19 Cincinnati held on against the upset specialists from Philadelphia, beating Temple 15-13. Cincinnati has now barely escaped in their last few contests, but Luke Fickell is building a fantastic resume as a winner; the Bearcats could make a NY6 bowl if they push on ahead and take the AAC title. Their only loss was to Ohio State and after a bad year with the Buckeyes in 2011, FIckell has made himself one of the hottest names in the sport. I expect he’ll get poached after the season. Until then, the Bearcats are putting together a banner year.

 

#21 Oklahoma State rallied to beat West Virginia, 20-13. Down 13-10 at the start of the fourth - and missing their promising starting QB, Spencer Sanders, Chubba Hubbard took control and held off a spirited WVU. It’s really hard to win without your starter - and the fact that OSU has a freshmen starting tells you a little about their backup - and WVU has way outplayed expectations, so this is a nice win for Oklahoma State, who at 8-3, have bounced back from their disappointing 2018 campaign. This is their fourth straight win and while Bedlam will be a tough ask without Sanders, they’ll have a chance for a ninth win in their bowl game and Hubbard will probably get to 2000 yards; the kid is a stud and their future is bright. WVU actually outgained OSU in this one, and I know they’re looking at a potential 4-8 finish, but this is without a doubt the best 4 win team in the country. They deserve a tip of the coonskin cap. While the record may indicate a bad team, they’ve really just underperformed at times and lost some heartbreakers, which is an excellent sign for a team expected to be terrible. Close losses, competitive games with good teams, and an upset win over ranked KSU is more indicative of the Mountaineers than their record, and I think they’ll be right back to business in 2020. This is a team, and a coach in Neal Brown, with a bright future.

 

#22 Iowa State took down Kansas, 41-31. The Cyclones needed a 20 point fourth quarter (at home) to pull this victory off. They got gashed early by Kansas RB Pooka Williams, and the Jayhawks cashed in a late third quarter interception to score two touchdowns within a minute to take a late lead. Purdy was given a fourth and goal late to seal the win and hit his fourth touchdown pass - a ballsy call that paid off. So yea, tense times in Ames.  I don’t have a ton of football stuff to say about this. Brock Purdy had his way with the Jayhawks secondary - as has been tradition since the Civil War - but the Cyclones defense was uncharacteristically unfocused and lacked intensity, tackling poorly and blowing assignments, despite a big fourth quarter. I do want to talk about what this game means for both teams, however. Iowa State once again has played down to their opponent. This team reminds me of the Gilded Peruvian Swamp Goat (GPSG, in case you were unsure). They struggle to eat berries and find enough nuts but regularly get into spats with larger prey and can hold their own. And I’m inclined to blame coaching, because this has been a defining characteristic of the Cycloned for years; they’re 3-2 in their last 5 games against top 5 teams - only falling to Oklahoma this year as they failed a last second, game winning 2 point conversion - but almost lost to Drake last year, barely beat Northern Iowa this year, and did lose to Northern Iowa and a bad Kansas State a few years back. Big wins are more important than bad losses in College Football, as the latter is inevitable but the former requires much toil and tribulation, but these confounding games are damaging Iowa State’s reputation, which has a ripple effect with recruiting and the mindset of the players. Coach Matt Campbell is one of the hot young names in the sport and is a top candidate to get poached by a bigger program; but this is a worrisome trend in his career. At a major program, big wins will be expected, but a bad loss can leave a permanent stain and erode years of goodwill (Fair or not). The Cyclones always seem to have a stud or two at wide receiver, Purdy is one of the most productive and dynamic QB’s in the sport, and they’re generally solid along the line. Similarly, the defense is a solid, respectable unit that won’t lose them games as so many Big 12 defensive units are liable to do. And the ISU’s record usually reflects this good but not great program: ~8-4 is their gravity well. But I’m frustrated with the Cyclones because they have proven that they can match up with elite programs, which indicates to me that they should at some point be able to rip off a 10 win season and contend for a conference title deep into November. Consistency is the primary modulate to a team’s success in this sport, but Iowa State really embodies this. It may be depth, it may be the kind of players Campbell recruits, it could be the wild nature of the Big 12 - but right now, ISU is their own worst enemy, and while my faith in the Cyclones may be misplaced, I’ll be somewhat bothered until they put it all together.

And Kansas, oh my dear, sweet Kansas. Occupying the hallowed ground just above Rutgers - hell, who am I kidding, everyone occupies that ground. Les Miles took over to much fanfare this off season, the famed coach looking to settle into a low-pressure retirement gig to keep his twilight from degenerating into grass-fueled rampages. And while the Jayhawks have a record that is hardly better than the prior decade of sheer misery and disaster, I think any observer can rightfully assert that this team is headed in the right direction. Miles obviously brought a serious recruiting upgrade by his mere presence, and this will pan out in the years to come, especially on defense. But Miles seems to have learned from his offensive struggles at LSU and has embraced the best of the Big 12, which is the shootin’ tootin ramblin scramblin. If he can infuse his defensive prowess into the Hawks, they could be a serious team. It’s clear that he’s imbibed his players with believe, confidence, improved fundamentals and scheme, and a more professional playing mindset. They did lose to some team named...Coastal. No, yea. Just...Coastal. Whatever the fuck that means. And that’s not cool. But they were only a few seconds away from winning in Austin, blew out Boston College, and have only had one no show on the year. This is a major improvement from years past when you could only count on Kansas to actually play competitive football in 2, maybe 3 games a year. A 3-9 finish is likely; while it’s hard to stomach that number in the same breath as praise, there can be no doubt that Kansas has made some vital intangible improvements this season. Expect something other than Rutgersian levels of misery in years to come.

 

#23 USC toppled UCLA, 52-35, in a game that could conceivably rescue Clay Helton’s career. Now, it isn’t just this win against a struggling UCLA; it’s that USC has sustained success over the course of the season and finished strong. Helton took a back up QB and can get to 9 wins, which is really pretty solid. While USC expects more, Helton seems like he’s building a team that can compete. It’s always been a mind game with the Trojans, because the talent is there. QB Kedon Slovis broke a number of records as he threw for 500+ yards in this one, and UCLA was helpless to stop him. The offensive was dominant in pass protection, the stellar group of wideouts in absolute control, all dat. And it’s a rivalry win, which counts for something. I’m still bothered by USC's defensive inconsistency, because they show an ability to control games but fail to do so in any given stretch of four quarters. If Helton can use a 9th win to fortify his team’s psyche, there is no reason USC can’t be a 10-win PAC 12 contender next season. Gobs of talent returns and yet more coming in as Helton knows how to recruit. Offensively, they should be one of the best teams in the country next year; depth at every position and proven schematic strengths. Get an average defense, and the Trojans will, as a whole, being anything but. And UCLA? Idk, man. They showed a ton of promise at various points, won a thriller against Washington State and broke some records, and it seems like Chip Kelly has weaponized the offense to the point of true promise. But the defense? It’s terrible. They mirror USC in this way, that they have enough players to be at worst decent but there is some disconnect between the coaching and the execution. Kelley should probably execute his defensive staff and bring in a proven coordinator; UCLA should make a serious jump next year.

 

---The other day, I went to the store to get food. I got said food. Sharp wind buffeted me all the way, but it's just my only body, NBD right? I came home to cook. I set my microwave at 99. This was more time than if I had entered an intended value of 100. What world do we live in? WHAT KIND OF F*#@^&*# PLACE IS THIS, HUH? GOOD TO KNOW THAT MY MICROWAVE HAS A DOCTORATE IN TEMPORAL POTTERY OOOH BIG FREAKIN DEAL AND IT’S BEEN WEEKS SINCE I’VE SEEN THE SUN BUT OoOoH ThE sUn Iz sOoOoO BrIgHt ANDREW SHAMFREW AND HAPPY TOO BUT NO FUCK THE SUN AND FUCK MAILBOXES AND THE IDIOT FACE OFF SEASON AND DAMMIT COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS ALMOST OVER AND AND AND ---

*Breathes deeply. Blinks rapidly. Checks surrounding. Mall Security is bumbling for their walky-talky. Shoppers are give wide eyes looks. Smiles back at them BUT is D-E-D INSIDE.*

“Don’t, uh, don’t worry, busters. I was just practicing my routine, for, for, I’m in a band, a theater band, we make, song plays, play songs for kids, and the kids, and the, the - DAMMIT F$@& APPLESAUCE.”

D    E   D

E        E

D                 D

 

Ded. I are ded. Week f%#@% 13. I are much ded.

 

ALRIGHT, NOW BACK TO YOU, THE MANIC NEUROTIC FACET OF ANDREW’S SCHIZO-POLIO INFESTED EBOLA SIDE OF BRAIN. THIS IS DEPRESSED GIARDIA DYSENTERY WRATH LOGGING OFF.

---

 

Colorado held on against Washington, 20-14. This is, in my opinion, an enormous result for both teams. Washington could have endeavored for an 8-4 regular season and maybe a bowl win, which is perfectly respectable for a ‘down’ year. Now, they’ll need to avoid an understandably limp performance in the Apple Cup just to avoid .500. It’s been an extremely disappointing year for the Huskies, who certainly aren’t lacking for good players. But their good players have been lacking consistency. Eason is wildly variable and, while capable of excellent play, also is at cause for numerous defeats in games where the defense has played well until a fourth quarter dud sees Eason produce less than 30 yards/1 first down. (This has happened three times, now, all losses). The Huskies generally play well in the first 3 quarters before collapsing and surrendering late leads, which they did against two top 10 teams at home. The defense deserves some blame for a somewhat fragile morale but this is a team that doesn’t trust one another and coach Chris Peterson has failed to produce the chemistry necessary to sustain uneven play. It’s a rare miss in his stellar career. I’m not sure what to expect from the Huskies moving forward. I certainly can’t see sustained mediocrity but it’s also possible that the playoff contention window needs some grease in the form of another cosmic backfield combo, like they had with Jake Browning and Myles Gaskin. We hear hear dying echoes of the bark, but we don’t see much bite. Colorado, on the other hand, has had a predictably up and down season in their ‘year 0’ with new coach Mel Tucker. They’ve shown some really nice flashes of being a team on the rise, like their comeback win against Nebraska and upset of Arizona State. But they’ve also lost some brutally indefensible games. They need to get to a bowl game to cement the momentum of a team on the rise. I cannot stress the significance of this enough. A 5-7 finish will enforce in the players mind that they aren’t ready for the leap. A bowl game not only gives them extra practices but cements confidence that can easily paint an entire coaches tenure, and I’m not just making this shit up. Close losses to USC and the like will be spun as a team that is learning how to win, as opposed to a team that chokes away losses. Colorado is one of those teams that is impossible to hate, and their health is a metric for that of College Football and the PAC-12. While I want to see all drug smokers locked up in jail and dead, I do want to see Colorado do well. #IMPRISONMARIJUANA #BANCANNABIS #IMPEACHMARIJUANAUSERS #DONTLOOKATMY’VASE’TOOCLOSELY

Florida International beat Miami, 30-24, in a game that wasn’t nearly as close as the score suggests. This is a huge win for a middling program, and should provide some momentum up until the start of next year. This secures bowl eligibility for the Panthers and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them win out on the year with the confidence this win instills. For Miami? Hot dam, Canes. We mentioned it above in the TWBM - this is a devastating loss, both for the program and coach Manny Diaz. Guys, look. Miami wasn’t competitive in this game until some late touchdowns when FIU was already partying and had clearly lost their focus. But for good measure, when the Canes scored 21 in the fourth quarter to make it a game, FIU marched right down the field to put it out of reach. That is damning as hell. Diaz will never be able to escape this loss. His blueblood was dominated by a school I thought was an online commuter trade school. The offense was dreadful and the defense lacked intensity. We figured the defense would hold things down - Diaz is a good DC - until he figured out an offensive scheme, and the Canes have been solid defensively for most the season, but this was a disaster for Diaz in that he did not prepare his team for a significantly inferior opponent. I mean, guys, they played in a fricken’ baseball field. The Canes have suffered a team’s worth of decommitments, and some followed right after this loss. They’ll be deflated for the rest of the season and frankly I don’t expect them to finish at better than .500. This loss will follow Diaz into the off season and may just tank his entire stint in Coral Gables. This is brutal, and really, I can’t think of any mitigating factors. The Miami football program took a serious blow Saturday night.

 

Michigan State beat Rutgers in a sporting event loosely based on the American game of Football, 27-0. This event was so bad that they were showing highlights of games from the 1890’s during the first quarter to kill time. Naturally, this game makes Michigan State look like the Alabama Patriots. WR Julian Barnett had a beautiful catch and seems next in the line of masterful MSU wideouts. Nothing rights the ship quite like a game against Rutgers, and for this, I am sorry. I am sorry for the woods and the wights. The stars and the sun. The little trees and the big billowing winds. I am so full of rue and remorse that verily now I count down the days to my expiration, that I must no longer consider the existence of Rutgers. 

 

Rutgers; the very word of woe. Rutgers, the punchless foe. 

May we break bread tomorrow for their relegation,

As today we mourn their B1G invitation.

But no feast is had well enough

With sugared cake of loosely fluff

When for savory meats we beg and yearn,

Instead we get Rutgers and heartburn.

Not of salt or bunchly bites,

But for they the Scarlet blight

Aye, they the wretched sight,

Who, far from winning, must first learn to fight.

Oh, Rutgers! - I hear thy cry

But ours even louder, that of; Why?

Pity the fool dressed as Knight,

Crawling his mode of flight,

Pauldrons untight, scabbard slight,

Something of his sword not quite right.

Dear Rutgers, my Rutgers, what are we to do?

As we lick the frosting, ponder and chew;

This cake has grown stale and hardened as glue

Damned, now; You’re stuck with us, and we with you.

Perhaps feign death, this idea now with joy

But that is no different than your current employ.

The Jersian carcass ridden with bruise

We hope time over you would not choose

To seal your fate with the forever of lose.

 

Nebraska crushed Maryland, 54-7, on Senior Day in College Park. We had this one pegged from the start. I have a lot of thoughts but none of them good. I am pleased the Frost has rallied the boys to make a stand for bowl eligibility. But I am sad that Maryland has fallen so far. They were utterly limp and flat in this contest, playing with little fire. They knew their season was over. Contrast that to Purdue, who is in the same boat, but put it all on the line against Wisconsin in an effort to swing the upset. I think the Locksley effect is showing. The man can coach offense - and Maryland has some gorgeous running backs, especially Anthony McFarland - but has a proven record as a failing head coach. IDK what the admins at Maryland were - oh, yes, that’s right. They don’t think. These are the same idiots that presided over the death of a player and then blamed the player, then the coach, then kept the coach, then fired him once they realized that people were mad. I don’t want to equate a bad hire to that tragedy, but I just want to illustrate that the Maryland AD does not know how to manage a sporting department. This is why they are being embarrassed at home by a team with a losing record. Their running game flails as the O-Line can only hold their blocks for a few seconds and rarely coordinates/executes pulling/good simultaneous play.

Virginia Tech beat Pittsburg 28-0. I sexually identify as a pizza. The ACC. The AC-Freaking-C is a shit show beyond all comprehension. The Pittsand strikes again. Earlier this season, the Hokies had suffered one of the worst home defeats in program history, a blowout loss to Duke. And now they will play Virginia to decide the coastal. Fuente was losing his players last year - there was a massive exodus and small scale revolt in the locker room- and after the loss to Duke, it seemed like he was a dead man walking. But we’ve got to give him serious credit. This is VT football - defensive dominance with a solid, ball control offense. And I’m seriously impressed with their resolve, especially as they came within a few bad calls and seconds from beating ND on the road with a third string QB, and have done most of their good this year with crucial injuries tripping them up. This has been an excellent turnaround. But, uh, Pittsburg. Pizza. Bark. Panslavism. What do these things have in common? Nothing. Nothing at all. And what does Pittsburgh have in common with common sense? Nothing. NOTHING AT ALL. I want to put some heat on Narduzzi for this bullshit performance. This game was basically for a Coastal title, a de-facto conference playoff game. And Narduzzi puts together great defensive units - especially with half his defensive line getting their legs broken before the season even started - but his patent inability to coach his offense to perform in big games is really getting frustrating. Pittsburgh is a merely adequate offense away from being a regular top-20 team.  They aren’t bereft of talent or heady players. And they play with the same fire and guts as Nardizzle, as a team. But this shit is getting old. I hate seeing the outline of a really good team get held back by coaching that just won’t make the hard choice to make radical changes. Because it can’t get worse than this. It really can’t. There’s no difference between Pittsburgh's regular 7-5 bullshit and going 4-8. I just don’t see it, not when there is a chance to really strive for something special. They are this close to being a powerful team, especially in the castrated ACC. Will Nardeezy break out of his shell? Or trade this staid coordinator for another?

 

Tennessee beat Missouri, 24-20, sealing what is probably the year’s most remarkable turnaround. Where Missouri has fallen off, Tennessee has come on very strong of late. Vols QB Jared Guartarnmo was benched earlier this year, but has responded - he logged 400+ yards in this one to get the Vols to bowl eligibility, something that seemed impossible after embarrassing consecutive home losses to BYU and Georgia Southern. While Pruitt still needs to answer for the miserable start, he deserves serious credit for not losing his team; a lot of groups would have checked out on the year. But now we have to wonder why they were so bad early on. Porous defense and a total lack of awareness for assignment football, inconsistent offense and turnovers, blah blah, all the marks of a bad team were on full display early. And slowly, each of those has receded and now we begin to see the outline of a decent team; Jennings is a beast of a wideout, and the talent is present. The Vols have no excuse not to be in a bowl game every year. We saw Pruitt win late last year as well, so something has to be said for his ability to grow a team over the course of a season. Now we’ll need to see if he can do so in the off season. WTF, I guess? Missouri, on the other hand, yikes. An early loss to Wyoming hinted that it was going to be a miserable year; then they ripped off 5 straight and grabbed a spot in the polls. Now, with 5 straight losses and a ruling passed down by the NCAA that excludes them for bowl competition, it’s basically impossible to salvage any positivity on the year. This was a winnable game that could have put them at a respectable 7-5. They’ll have to scrap to get to .500, and without any signature wins, it’ll be a long off season in Columbia. 

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist

THATS 

NO

 MOON

 

That's THE VERNE STAR BBY

---

Microtransgression Count - 3

 

For the second straight week, I have invalidated the ‘opinions’ of people who believe things like the moon landing was staged. This is a serious crime I’ve committed, because we are all entitled to modulate scientific facts as it fits our narrative, right? Right? Guys right? 

 

Just remember; conspiracy theories are always about questions, never answers.

 

Please send grievances to:

Offices of the MicroTransgressed, 1234 Offended Drive, Aghast City.

-A dedicated team will share in your indignation and post their outrage on social media. This will truly spur social change.

 

Orifice Extractions for Week 14

Peasant Omniscience to date : 83-36

I will never again pick Texas. I have learned my lesson.

 

‘The Game’

#1 Ohio State - 27

#10 Michigan - 30

 

Why? Why on Earth would I make this pick, especially after last year? Well, I think that sometimes things change. They change whether it makes sense or not. Ryan Day is this change. While he somehow improved Ohio State, I think that Harbaugh will infuse his team with a passion that will capitalize on their hot play. This will be a good, clean game, with excellent play across the board. Ohio State will rely on J.K Dobbins, who’ll notch somewhere around 120 yards on ~25 carries. Chris Olave will get a big chunk or two and high point a touchdown. On the other side, I think Michigan won’t have great success running the ball, but just enough to free up Patterson. While I think Chase Young will grab a few sacks, I think Patterson will deploy his weapons at wideout and Collins, Peoples-Jones, and Bell will combined for 200+ receiving yards and three scores. Expect Collins to pull down a few highpoint fades; Bell and Peoples-Jones to get serious YAC. The Michigan defensive line will prevent Fields for scrambling for more than a few first downs, and thus Fields will have to win the game with his arm. While he’s good enough to do so, I think Michigan has the best secondary he’ll face all year. Expect an battle between Olave and K.J Hill and Lavert Hill and Ambry Thomas. I think Josh Metellus will pull down a huge interception late and Michigan will manage to do what they haven’t done in years; run out a first down to seal a win.

 

‘The Iron Bowl’

#5 Alabama - 26

#15 Auburn - 28

 

Auburn is desperate for a signature win in a season where they’ve been just a notch below the man elite teams they’ve faced. They can smell blood in the water, and I think it’ll be impossible for the Tide to be at maximum morale; they know their leader is out, and I think they know the playoffs are off the table. Bama QB Mack Jones is probably a good player, but he’s getting thrust into a crazy situation early in his career. I’m not sure if he’s ready for what he’s about to come up against. Najee Harris will help him out but will only just crack 100 yards against Auburn’s fantastic defensive front - Jones will have to beat them. This will lead to a turnover or two, and the Alabama defense, while still loaded with talent, has been a little softer this year; this, Bo Nix’s struggles won’t be as pronounced as Guz Malzahn will scheme a brilliant ground attack and get the War Eagle to 225+ on the ground. Nix will chip in 150 and some scrambles and Auburn will do just enough to squeak out the win, relying on their defensive line to pressure Jones to seal the win.

 

‘Battle for the CommonWealth’

Virginia - 31

Virginia Tech - 27

 

Last year, Virginia almost beat the decade long streak of VT’s dominance in this series. But a thrilling, somewhat unlikely comeback spoiled the Cavaliers season. Virginia will remember this. The winner of this game goes onto the ACC title game (inset joke about losing to Clemson here), and I think overall, the Cavaliers have a more balanced team, particularly on offense with Byrce Perkins and his dynamic play. He’ll total 300 yards, 80 on the ground, and 3 touchdowns to put pressure on Virginia Tech. The Hokies will be forced to throw the ball in the second half, and I don’t think that’s their strength; eventually, their offense will stutter and Virginia will be able to close the game out with Perkins on the ground.

 

‘Battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe’

#12 Wisconsin - 26

#10 Minnesota - 24

 

This’ll be a Big Ten classic; efficient quarterbacks, talented running backs, reliable defense - the difference here, though, is that Wisconsin is just a little bit more mature as a program. And the Badgers remember that they were inexplicably blown out last year, and will be out for revenge. Expect a focused, composed Badger defense that doesn’t give up any big plays. Minnesota has some amazing receivers but they don’t have the speed to punish Wiscy’s defensive backs, even if they will get theirs. Tanner Morgan get his 200+ yards on an efficient 15-20, but Wisconsin will clog up Minnesota’s run game enough to give Taylor enough cracks. Eventually, the Minnesota defense will grow weary of Taylor, who’ll log 30+ carries in this game. By the time he gets to 200+ yards, morale will be an issue. Gophers score late to make it close, but Wiscy gets the onsides kick and wins the Big Ten West for a chance to play Ohio State.

 

Black Friday Battle for the Heroes Trophy

#17 Iowa - 30

Nebraska - 24

 

I don’t see how Nebraska can win this game. Iowa is the exact kind of solid on-brand football team that punished sloppy, undisciplined play. It’ll stay close until the third quarter, when the Iowa rushing attack begins to cause some damage and Stanley begins to hit his fade routes to his reliable wide outs. Martinez will probably put up some nice numbers and move the ball in spots, but turnovers and penalties will thwart third down conversions and keep Iowa in front. Expect the Hawkeyes defense to take over late and grab at least 3 second half sacks as A.J Epenesa turns in a strong effort. 

 

‘Bedlam’

#21 Oklahoma State - 24

#9 Oklahoma - 42

 

I think this’ll be a pissed off Oklahoma team who knows they need to make a good impression. They’ve suffered close calls because of baffling errors and turnovers but they seem more focused on the road. While Bedlam may be my favorite series in the entire sport, the Cowboys will miss the injured Spencer Sanders in this one. With him, I’d call this game a toss up. Without, they won’t have enough firepower. Sure, Chuba Hubbard will get his and log 150+, but without the downfield passing attack the running game will peter out late and the Cowboys defense will tire. The Sooners will be in control of this game, start to finish.

 

‘Battle for the Sunshine State’

#11 Florida - 34

Florida State - 21

 

The Seminoles are in some disarray and still lack identity and continuity. Florida will be more than happy to take advantage of this. But FSU will make a strong effort early before the Gator defense locks in and punished whatever carousel of QB’s FSU throws out there Saturday. Trask will pour on the yards in the second half and put this thing out of reach.

 

‘The Apple Cup’

Washington - 32

Washington State - 28

 

Washington has long dominated this series. Both teams have had disappointing years, so I’m inclined to support the norm here. Washington State has an absurdly prolific offense but it doesn’t translate into wins as the defense simply does not play sound football. Thus, the balance that Washington needs to take pressure off the hot-cold Eason will prove to be a winning game plan. The Washington defense will give up most their points early before tightening up as WSU begins to focus exclusively on the pass, and a few sacks will kill the drives the Cougars will need to pull it off. I think Eason will play well without the pressure and log some 250 yards, while Washington gets at least 200 on the ground. It’ll be just enough to pull off their 7th straight Apple Cup victory.

 

‘The Egg Bowl’

Ole Miss - 30

Mississippi State - 26

 

Mississippi State is reeling, and Ole Miss is due for a win; I think they’ll come out motivated and take advantage of some sloppy turnovers. Remember, this game featured a fight last year; there will be fireworks.

 

‘The Palmetto Bowl’

#3 Clemson - 40

South Carolina - 16

 

I want this to be a close game, but I just don’t see how. The South Carolina defense can probably keep things close until halftime, but as the offense continues to sputter, will watch things slip away in the third quarter as Lawrence and Ettaine get rolling.

 

‘Clean, Old fashioned Hate’

#4 Georgia - 32

Georgia Tech - 13

 

This is a wonderfully rich rivalry game, but Georgia Tech is rebuilding their program and Fromm will probably have a good day against an accommodating defense. Tech just doesn’t have enough, not this year.

 

‘The Civil War’

#11 Oregon - 38

Oregon State - 22

 

The Beavers are having a nice comeback season but Oregon is going to be pissed off and Herbert will have a field day. OSU has a decent offense but expect a focused Duck defense.

 

‘Battle for the Old Oaken Bucket’

Indiana - 31

Purdue - 23

 

I think Purdue will be game, but the Hoosiers know they have to close out strong to vindicate what has been a wildly successful season. Ramsey will get back to form and throw for nearly 300 and the Hooiser defense will get a few interceptions as Purdue struggles to move with consistency.

 

#1 LSU - 43

Texas A&M - 26

 

The Aggies will be deflated after last week, and LSU will want revenge from last year’s 7 OT thriller. Burrow will have his way throughout.

 

#16 Notre Dame - 23

Stanford - 21

 

Stanford is off this year, but will rando-rally and make a game of this. Book will close out the game late with a field goal drive, and the Irish defense will take care of business from there.

 

#22 Iowa State - 27

Kansas State - 31

 

The Wildcats finish off their surprising season with a nice win. Purdy will log a big day but ISU will continue their trend of late game gaffes with a crippling turnover.

 

Texas Tech - 33

Texas - 41

 

Things aren’t going great in Austin, but I don’t think the Longhorns have totally checked out; they know they can salvage some pride and still maybe get to 8 wins. Tech won’t be a team that can slow down an inspired Elingher.

 

TCU - 28

West Virginia - 20

 

I still think TCU is the best 6 loss team in the country, hands down. WVU won’t offer enough resistance in the second half to punish Duggan, and I think he’ll rebound nicely after last week’s struggle. 

 

#18 Cincinnati - 23

#19 Memphis - 34

 

The Bearcats have been playing with fire and I think this is the game where their good fortune runs out. Memphis is dynamic enough on offense to get around Cincy’s good defense and I think a few offensive mistakes will but Cincy behind for good.

 

Michigan State - 27

Maryland - 13

 

Maryland has checked out on the year, and MSU and Dantonio are too proud to miss a bowl game. This one won’t be close.

 

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Closing Thoughts:

 

My god is this done yet. If you made it all the way, bless you. Bless you child. Rivalry week demands the attention.