gary nova came in like a wrecking ball

Hello again. How are you? I missed last week due to some minor health stuff and the Dave Brandon stuff. But I have returned with my usual moderate vigor. Did you miss me? I missed you. Let's never be apart again. Except, like, at night. And most of the time during the day.

About Last Week:

A long, long time ago, long before I was my current quasi-respectable self, I used to enjoy my weekends with the occasional adult beverage. And one evening, I found myself in a state of imbibedness in which I had lost most of my reasoning capacity and fine motor function. To give you an idea how far gone I was, I attempted (apparently, according to witnesses, for several minutes) to light a cigar with a flashlight.

And in that state, I recall being deeply amazed by an acquaintance in our group. We’ll call him Dave (because his name was Dave). Dave was an adult who knew how to handle his alcohol, and we didn’t have medical or real safety concerns about him. He was just hammered beyond all reason. He was so drunk that despite the fact that I was in a mental place where I had forgotten how fire worked, I was concerned and amazed about HIS level of intoxication.

Indiana is Dave. Michigan is currently black-out drunk, but they can still recognize someone who is even drunker. Pull yourself together, Dave.

The Road Ahead:

Northwestern (3-5, 2-3 B1G)

Last game: Lost at Iowa 48-7

Recap: Saturday’s action should have served as a blunt rejoinder to the argument that a 6-6 season should save Brady Hoke’s job. The pile of derp Michigan would have to scale is so meager, it barely qualifies as a hill. It’s a “knoll” at best. Maybe, MAYBE it could be a mound if you squint hard enough. Michigan had a path to six wins that did not include a single win over a top-50 team. If the current rankings hold, Michigan will have had eight games against teams ranked 48th or worse in FEI, including SIX at home.

Nowhere is this the awfulness of Michigan’s schedule more apparent than four hours west in Evanston, Illinois. Northwestern, once touted as a potentially tricky opponent, has crumbled into a heap. Since beating Wisconsin (which, can we talk about THAT for a second?), they have lost increasingly lopsided games to Minnesota, Nebraska, and Iowa. Iowa jumped out to a 24-0 first quarter lead, which by my calculations should never ever ever ever ever ever happen ever ever. Iowa gets like two possessions per quarter. Giving up 24 points defies all everything.

This latest porcupine massage of a performance saw Trevor Siemian and backup Zack Oliver combine for 75 passing yards (at 3.1 yards per attempt) and -45 yards rushing. That means on 30 passing plays or QB runs, Northwestern put up 30 yards.

I suppose I should mention at this point that Northwestern is favored by most of the advanced statistics folks to beat Michigan.

This team is as frightening as: A team that has, through 8 games, had three offensive plays of 30 yards or more. And is somehow still a coin flip against Michigan. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Michigan has not won a road game since defeating the University of Chicago 2-1 in 1913. They are not favored to win another road game until their matchup with the University of Mars, tentatively scheduled as a second half of a home-planet-and-home-planet in the year 2136.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Trevor Siemian’s YPA numbers have fallen in every game since the start of conference play, from 7.0 to 6.3 to 5.4 to 4.4 to 3.8. Meanwhile, Northwestern’s points per game allowed has Increased in every game, from 6 to 14 to 24 to 38 to 48. So, according to the ironclad rule that all trend continue forever, Siemian will throw for 3.1 YPA and Northwestern will give up 58 points. Science.

When they play Michigan: Michigan will defy science and not score 58 points.

Next game: vs. Michigan (NW +2), 3:30 Saturday, ESPN2

[AFTER THE JUMP: Awwww, Y U NO slap hands?]

About Last Week:

You wreeeeeeecked me

The Road Ahead:

Penn State (4-1, 1-1 B1G)

Last game: Bye

Recap: No recap. Bye.

This team is as frightening as: We’re sticking with 2013 Michigan, right down to putting in a International War Crimes Tribunal-worthy offensive performance against Northwestern. Fear Level = 7

Michigan should worry about: 2013 Michigan could probably kick the crap out of 2014 Michigan.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: There’s no way Christian Hackenberg can be as effective as Gary Nova.

When they play Michigan: WE’RE BOYCOTTING. Or maybe not. Or maybe we’re STARTING OUT by boycotting, but then we’re going. Or maybe we’ve been boycotting for like three years by showing up late every week. I’m not really sure.

Next game: at Michigan (PSU +2), 7:00 Saturday (ALL OF THE LIGHTS), ESPN2

Michigan State (4-1, 1-0 B1G)

Last game: Beat Nebraska, 27-22

Recap: Michigan State was in full control of this game through three quarters. They led 27-3, had outgained Nebraska more than two-to-one (355-176), and had allowed only one of Nebraska’s 14 drives to exceed 40 yards. Then the fourth quarter happened.

Nebraska put together touchdown drives of 43 and 68 yards, and De'Mornay Pierson-El rreturned a Mike Sadler punt 62 yards. Nebraska eventually got the ball back at its own 20 with 1:07 left down 5* points, and completed a 43 yard pass to the Michigan State 37 before Tommy Armstrong threw a pick to effectively end the game.

This had all the hallmarks of a Sparty No, and yet Michigan State came out on top. So, you can spin this two ways: either (a) this is a positive sign for Michigan fans, as it shows Sparty still has that gene, or (b) this is a sign of continued DOOOOM for Michigan, as Sparty showed that when faced with the chance to Sparty No, this current generation of Spartans finds a way to not blow it. Based on the way this year has gone, you know where to place the smart money.

One minor thing that DID go wrong in East Lansing: most of the students bailed when the game was 27-3, causing much consternation in the Athletic Department.

Sparty student section

Getty

Finally. A chance for Michigan to reclaim the moral high ground…

Morris empty

Melanie Maxwell/Ann Arbor News

Dammit. Why must we fail at every attempt at masonry.

*Can we talk game tactics for a second here? When Nebraska scored a TD with about 13:00 left to make the game 27-9, they went for two and failed. This left them down 18 instead of 17. They were trying to make the game TECHNICALLY a two score game, but 16 points is basically a 3 score game. That (combined with another failed 2 point conversion after a subsequent TD) left Nebraska down five points late instead of 3, which makes a big difference. Nebraska almost reached field goal range with just over 30 seconds left; they reached the MSU 37, which would be about a 54 yarder, so they probably only needed another 5 to 10 yards. So, I ask you: did they do the right thing?

This team is as frightening as: Super Mario. There is some debate whether Mario is currently Invincibility Star Mario or Fireball Mario, or just regular ol’ Big Mario. When you’re a Goomba, it is of little consequence.

(Michigan is the Goomba).

Fear Level = 9.93

Michigan should worry about: Tony Lippett. He’s averaging over a hundred yards receiving per game at 21 yards per catch, and has scored a TD in every game (he’s got 7 through 5 games).

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Don’t worry. It will all be over soon.

When they play Michigan: My fellow Americans, recent events have forced many fans to dig deep into their savings to cover unexpected losses. If we don’t act now, the Sparty Game Booze Trust Fund will only remain solvent for another week, leaving our most vulnerable fans at risk of severe sobriety at a crucial time. Together we must work to correct this injustice.

Next game: at Purdue (MSU -22), 3:30 Saturday, ABC

[AFTER THE JUMP: Lookin' for wins in all the wrong places...]