Stereotypes - Rivals Edition

Submitted by wolvrine32 on July 30th, 2008 at 1:09 PM

Let’s get our stereotypes straight here.  I am pleased to present the first comprehensive guide (for any Buckeyes that happened by, that was tongue-in-cheek) to our view of rival fans, I stress *our view*, which I will happily update with any of your valid suggestions.


Ohio State fan – Mullet.  Buckstache.  Balding early in life.  Significant other always wears too much make-up.  Either is, was, will be, or already has two truck drivers in the family.  Would never switch off Buckeye football to watch NASCAR, but the thought has occurred to him.  Gets a little too into Ultimate Fighting.  Would trade nine losses to clearly inferior teams for a win in The Game.  Has man-crush on Jim Tressel, never told anyone that.  Once wrote a threatening letter to John Cooper.  Checks Ebay for redneck Buckeye memorabilia, can’t afford most of it.  Is confused that he likes Florida the place so much, but hates Florida the team so much.  Treats Big-10 vs. SEC with the same level of vehemence as if someone spit on his kid.  Thinks foreplay is throwing a beer bottle at an opposing fan before the team comes down the tunnel.


Michigan State fan – Says “Brah” a lot.  Despite admiring the “hotties” at State, has an actual track record that looks a lot more like an Ann Arbor selection.  Drank a LOT.  Drinks a LOT.  Thinks about beating the Wolverines approximately 300 days a year.  Views all other football events as vaguely enjoyable background noise to a possible problem with alcohol.  Values “cool” over “successful.”  Eats brats over hot dogs.  Works for someone with a Michigan degree.  Has secrets – secretly wishes he went to Michigan, secretly wishes he loved actual basketball achievements as much as he would love hypothetical football achievements, and secretly reads Michigan blogs and is currently nodding and saying “me, me, me.  I’m getting so tore up tonight brah.”


Notre Dame fan – Actually makes Michigan fans say with sincerity, “man is he arrogant.”  Gets an inordinate amount of satisfaction from events that happened prior to his birth, even more than Michigan fan.  Seems smugly entitled.  Thoroughly detached from reality.  Did not attend Notre Dame.  Believes in make-believe things like Leprechauns, going 11-2, and God.  Can rattle off a coaching hire wish-list just a hair faster than he genuflects at the mention of Lou Holtz.  Spits after someone says “Gerry Faust” or “Bob Davie.”  Golfs a lot, calls it “duffing.”  Erroneously thinks Knute Rockne tapped the “Play Like A Champion” sign on the way out to games.  Secretly knows South Bend is a dump.  Isn’t grinning as much at the Charlie Weis fat jokes anymore.  Would vote for W for a 3rd term.  Thinks Ty Willingham is the devil. 


Bonus coverage:


USC fan – Is boinking a song-girl right now.  Born on 3rd base, thinks he hit a double and reached on an error (is right.)  Didn't get into film school because he wouldn't play "politics".  Looks like Ken.  Drives a convertible.  Used daddy’s money to buy daddy out.  Wakes up everyday and pisses excellence.  Owns Ebay.  Doesn’t even really care about college football, but believes anything worth doing is worth doing right.  Didn’t hear the USC fight song enough, so uses it as his ringtone.  Never had a single zit.  Employs Michigan grads because they’re not stuck up like Ivy-Leaguers.  Never actually been to Compton, but tells stories like he has.  Knows people want to hate him, but he’s just so damn charismatically *charming* that they can’t help but be won over by his sheer perfection.  Sometimes in quiet reflection, feels great remorse for the troubles of the less fortunate… then buys a small toy factory and turns it into a parking garage to get his head right.


WVU fan - Loyal, um, to a fault.  Teeth, several.  Either is, was, will be, or has people in the family who work in the food service industries.  Prefaces trips to the hospital by saying "hold my beer and check this out."  Mistrusts gummint.  Actually looks down on Ohio (!).  Reads, er, has someone read all the contract language prior to installing software because *your mark is your bond!  If it is written, you agree to it in perpetuity!*  Aspires to resemble the mascot.  Has an extensive collection of John Denver eight tracks that make him misty eyed.  Went on the intertubes and bought an eight track of John Denver live IN DENVER!  Kind of wishes Rocky Top were the fight song.  Is preparing for the crushing disappointment the Bill Stewart era will be, but still plans to defend "my boy."


Just to play fair:


Michigan fan – Not arrogant, just better than everyone else.  Believes the world would be better if he were in charge.  Drives a BMW.  Has a professional degree or certification.  In football, perfection is almost good enough.  Thinks individuality is wearing a road jersey to a home game as he jangles his car keys with 110,000 of his closest friends, just after doing the wave.  Secretly knows The Big House isn’t anything but big.  Gets an inordinate amount of satisfaction from events that happened prior to his birth.  Likes hearing the opinions of others, no matter how wrong-headed, ignorant, ridiculous and simpering they might be.  Honestly believes he could call plays better than the offensive coordinator.  Is vaguely aware that Michigan has a basketball program.  Checks Ebay for Michigan memorabilia, can afford most of it.  Has at least tried to watch soccer, just because it’s the world's game and wants to be cultural.  Revels in nostalgia of all kinds. 



July 30th, 2008 at 1:30 PM ^

Geez man, after reading that I think I'd rather be a USC fan. And about the Compton comment - have you seen where USC is? It's in south-central. Not quite compton, but not much better.


July 30th, 2008 at 1:31 PM ^

This reminds me of when I was in Columbus for the 'Game of the Century' and an old lady spat on me. I was wearing a maize Michigan shirt. People also would punch my car windows and spat/threw drinks at my car as I drove down high street after the game. What gosh darn pleasant people.


July 30th, 2008 at 2:45 PM ^

I would assume that those who can't read can recognize the fact that letters and words exist, they just can't decipher them. Below that, you'd have the people who speak mostly in grunts, say things like "whyiauhta" and "comhereaminute", and just stare quizzically at letters before bashing their fists on whatever piece of writing happens to be in front of them.


July 30th, 2008 at 8:47 PM ^

Prefaces trips to the hospital by saying "hold my beer and check this out." Love it. Also can be applied to The University of The Ohio State University of Ohio University of Ohio State.


August 3rd, 2008 at 8:44 PM ^

First off, I am a ND fan. Second, you described MSU fan right on brah. I have attended a few NASCAR events and agree with your ramblings on OSU and WVU fan. You are correct, I do like to go duffing. I didn't actually attend ND, but did go for tutoring in 11th grade for Algebra II, (Algebrah for State fan), at ND, does that count? South Bend is a dump, but not as bad as East Lansing, Columbus, or Detroit. However, I strongly disagree with the rest of your ND fan stereotype. My opinion counts because I am entitled to it, it is God's will. Corrections you should be aware of are as follows. Ty Willingham is not the devil, that's Davie (spit). Rockne slapped, not "tapped" the Play Like A Champion sign. Charlie is not "fat", he is obese, and we all know that means fat as a motherf***er. Leprechauns are real, where the hell do you think Lucky Charms come from, you arrogant jerk. Now excuse me while I go to the Grotto and light a candle in hopes Lou will return to guide the Irish to a National Championship. Get your facts straight.