Let’s get our stereotypes straight here. I am pleased to present the first comprehensive guide (for any Buckeyes that happened by, that was tongue-in-cheek) to our view of rival fans, I stress *our view*, which I will happily update with any of your valid suggestions.
Ohio State fan – Mullet. Buckstache. Balding early in life. Significant other always wears too much make-up. Either is, was, will be, or already has two truck drivers in the family. Would never switch off Buckeye football to watch NASCAR, but the thought has occurred to him. Gets a little too into Ultimate Fighting. Would trade nine losses to clearly inferior teams for a win in The Game. Has man-crush on Jim Tressel, never told anyone that. Once wrote a threatening letter to John Cooper. Checks Ebay for redneck Buckeye memorabilia, can’t afford most of it. Is confused that he likes Florida the place so much, but hates Florida the team so much. Treats Big-10 vs. SEC with the same level of vehemence as if someone spit on his kid. Thinks foreplay is throwing a beer bottle at an opposing fan before the team comes down the tunnel.
Michigan State fan – Says “Brah” a lot. Despite admiring the “hotties” at State, has an actual track record that looks a lot more like an Ann Arbor selection. Drank a LOT. Drinks a LOT. Thinks about beating the Wolverines approximately 300 days a year. Views all other football events as vaguely enjoyable background noise to a possible problem with alcohol. Values “cool” over “successful.” Eats brats over hot dogs. Works for someone with a Michigan degree. Has secrets – secretly wishes he went to Michigan, secretly wishes he loved actual basketball achievements as much as he would love hypothetical football achievements, and secretly reads Michigan blogs and is currently nodding and saying “me, me, me. I’m getting so tore up tonight brah.”
Notre Dame fan – Actually makes Michigan fans say with sincerity, “man is he arrogant.” Gets an inordinate amount of satisfaction from events that happened prior to his birth, even more than Michigan fan. Seems smugly entitled. Thoroughly detached from reality. Did not attend Notre Dame. Believes in make-believe things like Leprechauns, going 11-2, and God. Can rattle off a coaching hire wish-list just a hair faster than he genuflects at the mention of Lou Holtz. Spits after someone says “Gerry Faust” or “Bob Davie.” Golfs a lot, calls it “duffing.” Erroneously thinks Knute Rockne tapped the “Play Like A Champion” sign on the way out to games. Secretly knows South Bend is a dump. Isn’t grinning as much at the Charlie Weis fat jokes anymore. Would vote for W for a 3rd term. Thinks Ty Willingham is the devil.
USC fan – Is boinking a song-girl right now. Born on 3rd base, thinks he hit a double and reached on an error (is right.) Didn't get into film school because he wouldn't play "politics". Looks like Ken. Drives a convertible. Used daddy’s money to buy daddy out. Wakes up everyday and pisses excellence. Owns Ebay. Doesn’t even really care about college football, but believes anything worth doing is worth doing right. Didn’t hear the USC fight song enough, so uses it as his ringtone. Never had a single zit. Employs Michigan grads because they’re not stuck up like Ivy-Leaguers. Never actually been to Compton, but tells stories like he has. Knows people want to hate him, but he’s just so damn charismatically *charming* that they can’t help but be won over by his sheer perfection. Sometimes in quiet reflection, feels great remorse for the troubles of the less fortunate… then buys a small toy factory and turns it into a parking garage to get his head right.
WVU fan - Loyal, um, to a fault. Teeth, several. Either is, was, will be, or has people in the family who work in the food service industries. Prefaces trips to the hospital by saying "hold my beer and check this out." Mistrusts gummint. Actually looks down on Ohio (!). Reads, er, has someone read all the contract language prior to installing software because *your mark is your bond! If it is written, you agree to it in perpetuity!* Aspires to resemble the mascot. Has an extensive collection of John Denver eight tracks that make him misty eyed. Went on the intertubes and bought an eight track of John Denver live IN DENVER! Kind of wishes Rocky Top were the fight song. Is preparing for the crushing disappointment the Bill Stewart era will be, but still plans to defend "my boy."
Just to play fair:
Michigan fan – Not arrogant, just better than everyone else. Believes the world would be better if he were in charge. Drives a BMW. Has a professional degree or certification. In football, perfection is almost good enough. Thinks individuality is wearing a road jersey to a home game as he jangles his car keys with 110,000 of his closest friends, just after doing the wave. Secretly knows The Big House isn’t anything but big. Gets an inordinate amount of satisfaction from events that happened prior to his birth. Likes hearing the opinions of others, no matter how wrong-headed, ignorant, ridiculous and simpering they might be. Honestly believes he could call plays better than the offensive coordinator. Is vaguely aware that Michigan has a basketball program. Checks Ebay for Michigan memorabilia, can afford most of it. Has at least tried to watch soccer, just because it’s the world's game and wants to be cultural. Revels in nostalgia of all kinds.