There was a Board topic last night about a response to an email that was seemingly from David Brandon himself. This email response was very fast and rather late at night for an Athletic Director, so it led to questions of whether it was "canned" or answered by an aide.
This made me imagine a few funny scenarios... And the first of these scenarios was surprisingly well received. I decided to expand a bit and also to a wider audience than whoever happened to read the comments on that post. 2 notes: First, I was (I think) asked to do this in a diary, it's not my narcissistic need to be appreciated by more people. Second, this is not a serious discussion via diary, granted, but there are often diaries that are centered on humor and that attempt to make light of certain stressful situations in the program (such as Fake ___ Chat Google Wave, which I admit is much funnier than this diary will be). Hopefully this can help you laugh at a dire situation and see it from a lighter point of view while retaining your (hopefully) "Save The Game" attitude.
Anyway, in the wake of the public outcry to save The Game, the IT department has seemingly set up an automated response for Brandon based on keywords in the email sent to him, and based on who is being responded to (e.g. the folksy trend of politicians responding to questions from the middle-American masses). The following exchange occurs [the caps are meant to be read in an automated robotic sort of voice]:
Email to Brandon from his wife:
"Hey honey, I was thinking about making meatloaf tonight. Do you want broccoli or corn on the cob with that? I'll have some rice too, since the kids like it. Pick up some milk on the way home?
Love, your wife."
His automated response:
"Hello YOUR WIFE,
The University, its administration, and I especially, want to reassure you that we are working on MEATLOAF TONIGHT. We understand the issue at hand, and are debating the positives and negatives of both keeping BROCCOLI and switching to a new system of CORN ON THE COB. We understand that RICE is a very strong tradition with all parties involved, and we are aware how strongly THE KIDS LIKE IT, and THE KIDS are very important to all of us. Allow me to reassure you, YOUR, that I am personally working on a solution to PICK UP MILK, and it will be announced very soon.
Email to Brandon from Domino's CEO J. Patrick Doyle:
This is pretty urgent, so I hope you have time to meet and speak with me privately. We hit a bit of a snag, and we really need your help. It seems that individual Domino's franchise owners are running things with somewhat loose protocol lately, and I'm not sure what you did to remedy this in the past. I know that when you were in this position previously, you handled the situation and it was fixed promptly, so I need your personal and professional advice. Since you ramped up our quality standards, it seems individual owners feel it is a lot more day-to-day work, even after the transition seemed complete.
Thanks for your help,
Your dear friend, J."
His automated response:
"Hello YOURDEAR FRIENDJ,
In the midst of recent rumors, the University, its administration, and I have been trying hard to make time for fans and media alike, and we try to MEET AND SPEAK WITH ME PRIVATELY to as many as we can. I understand you are concerned over A BIT OF A SNAG, but know that I am aware of the situation. I will personally work to be sure SOMEWHAT LOOSE never happens to this program. Many share your confusion over WHAT YOU DID TO REMEDY THIS, but rest assured, YOURDEAR that when I WAS IN THIS POSITION PREVIOUSLY, playing for the U of M football team during some of our best seasons, I understood the importance of HANDLED THE SITUATION. While I can assure you that I take full responsibility, I must inform you that IT WAS FIXED are just rumors at the present time, and this does not necessarily reflect our administration. There is nothing concrete yet, and we are still discussing whether or not to keep QUALITY STANDARDS.
I hope you will continue to hold judgment until we have announced our official position on DOMINO'S FRANCHISE ORDER ONLINE NOW, which will be very soon.
Regards, and Go Blue!!
Email to Brandon from Rich Rodriguez:
The recent staff meeting seemed rather vague. I feel there were many points that were not touched on, probably to save face and not create more rumors since there is no hiding from the media lately. I have had to deal with this a lot in practices, so I understand, but if we meet privately we can discuss matters further and talk about how we should handle things the right way.
Get back to me when you can and we can meet,
Brandon's automated response:
I would first like to say that the Big Ten, its officials, its administration, and all the Athletic Directors of the conference are understanding of the problems we are going through. I know that RECENT STAFF MEETIN' is a big issue to a lot of FOLKS, and we still have work to do before we can be official on our TOUCHED ON policy. We need to think about how to properly CREATE MORE RUMORS before we can actually begin to do it. There's a big lack of HIDING FROM THE MEDIA LATELY, and we're WORKIN' on it, and YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT, SON. I am not only the AD, but also a fan, so I understand your views. We all have had to DEAL WITH THIS A LOT IN PRACTICES. I will take your suggestion to MEET PRIVATELY WE CAN DISCUSS MATTERS into consideration, and assure you that we will not rush into HANDLE THINGS THE RIGHT WAY.
I hope you can help us by being patient, and trust that we will try our best to AND WE CAN MEET RICH.
GIT R' DONE, and Go Blue.
Rodriguez's automated response:
"Hello DAVE, and GO BLUE!
First and foremost, let me address your first question. There is no word yet on the QB situation, but all three of our QB's are progressing very well. There is no clear cut winner, and each has their own qualities. They are all looking good, but hopefully we will have a frontrunner for the starting job soon.
GO BLUE! Now on to the rest of your email. I understand that tradition is important, and I want to continue that. GO BLUE! Please don't hate me. I hope we will soon find an answer to THAT RECENT STAFF MEETIN', but there are about 4 or 5 guys who could fill that spot already. We even have some freshmen vying for playing time in the FOLKS position, and several guys who can score a lot of TOUCHED ONs for us.
I try to address the MEDIA best I can, and our whole program is trying to PROPERLY CREATE MORE RUMORS while still WORKIN'ing ON IT. We know you understand that YOU CAN COUNT.
As THE AD and BUT ALSO A FAN, I hope you can come out and see us prove ourselves come September 4th. We are preparing for UConn, yes, and we are hoping our passing game and our RUSHing INTO HANDLE THINGS THE RIGHT WAY yards can climb from the past two years, and hopefully lead the Big Ten.
I know the fans are eager to see us win and BEING PATIENT, and I thank you for tryin' hard to AND WE CAN MEET RICH in the countdown to that first game.
Finally, to address your last question, There is no word yet on the QB situation, but all three of our QB's are progressing very well. There is no clear cut winner, and each has their own qualities. They are all looking good, but hopefully we will have a frontrunner for the starting job soon.
Hope to see you in the Big House Sept. 4th!
Don't call me DickRod.
Brandon's automated response:
I understand all your concerns, and let me reassure you that we will announce SYSTEM ERROR - - -
Go Blue!! GoB!! GBlue!!Go BlGo Bl Blue!!Go B !Go Blue!!Go Blue!!
DAVE AND GO BLUE"
"This is Coach Rodriguez's aide. How can we stop these from sending back and forth? This computer is moving really slow now and won't stop displaying Domino's ads. I'm just an intern, I'm not trained in IT or anything. Thanks man, hope an aide sees this on that side. I'll email my super."
"Delete system 32. That should help it stop."
"This message to [email protected] has not been sent. The account has either been deleted or closed due to inactivity. Thanks for your understanding."
I really hope this isn't half as stupid as I think it is looking back on it, after finishing it... hope you guys like it. I should probably revise, but meh.