100% taint obliteration

11/12/2022 – Michigan 34, Nebraska 3 – 10-0, 7-0 Big Ten

We have acquired First World problems. My main thought while observing this game was "I wish these guys were more interesting." An injury to the opposition's starting quarterback is now a negative. From Michigan's first snap it was clear that if they wanted to they could grind Nebraska into paste without throwing a single time. One Michigan possession started out with consecutive deep balls; that felt like when you get bored playing a video game and try to up the difficulty level by doing something absurd and unnecessary.

When I was a youth playing Tecmo Super Bowl you'd do this by picking Tampa Bay. Tampa had one incredible defensive back, Mark Carrier, and nothing else. The most viable strategy deep into the season when things got harder was to build your offense around running QB Vinny Testaverde six yards at a time. (For the youth, this is like building your offense around running Tom Brady, if Tom Brady only ever said "it'sa me, Vinny Testaverde." This would be a strange thing for Tom Brady to say, but it was just as strange when Vinny Testaverde won the Heisman (seriously! look it up!) and his acceptance speech was merely that. (Don't look up that part.))

Anyway, if you ran ol' Vinny too much he'd get tired and would inevitably fumble. Sometimes he would die.

So you'd have to carefully balance the only thing that would get you yards with not getting any yards at all. This probably sounds familiar to Chubba Purdy.

In the past we have theorized that the world is a simulation, and that it is the worst of all possible simulations: an Akron teenager's NCAA Football save in which he is taking Ohio State to a million national championships in a row. Now we must reconsider. It is possible that the simulation is someone who is bored with his game and is trying to see if he can beat Michigan with Gavin Wimsatt, Chubba Purdy, Spencer Petras, or Peyton Thorne. The answer is no. God no. Hell no.  Play a different game.

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Michigan has now reached the tier of college football teams where their games are largely ignored because they are not interesting. Alabama is playing Mizzou, you say? Ohio State is up against Michigan State? Georgia is playing… uh… the #1 team in the country? Pass, I have better things to do than watch a heavy favorite sit on someone for four hours.

For the neutral viewer Michigan is at least offering up some moderately competitive first halves, but the methods via which they have to do so are increasingly outlandish. Then the third quarter has been ritual sacrifice. For years and years and years Michigan has been the sort of heavy favorite that you always pay attention to because about 40% of the time they get into a game against a team that was supposed to be sat upon, and fairly often they'd actually lose. Michigan was worth your time, because they were good but not boring good. They were schadenfreude good.

This was an emphatic statement that no, you do not have to watch Michigan games against 30-point underdogs anymore. The method via which Michigan chooses to sit upon the opponent is literal. You will not get any whizbang long touchdowns. Every play will be a run that gains somewhere between four and twelve yards. The red hat will come on the field at some point for touchdown-commercial-kickoff-commercial because one Michigan drive ate up eight minutes of the quarter.

Variance has been banished. Players have been sat down for ever-more esoteric injuries because Michigan can throw out eight functional offensive linemen. Blake Corum's largest Heisman hurdle may be an inability to keep neutrals awake for his 28th carry of five or more yards.

It is all very relaxing, football as a Caribbean vacation. We are permitted to save up our panic for the terminator at the end of the schedule.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

bro [Patrick Barron]

you're the man now, dog

#1 The Offensive Line. Can't really give this to Corum when CJ Stokes, Tavierre Dunlap, and Isaiah Gash all got in and looked kinda like Blake Corum while continuing to brutalize the Nebraska defense. A couple of pass protection hiccups do not override what was probably the worst ass-kicking delivered to a conference opponent since the Big 2, Little 8 days.

#2 Mason Graham. A sack, another hit on the QB that caused an incompletion, a ridiculous split of a double team, and two other solo tackles as a DT, with limited snaps, against a team that couldn't stay on the field. That is a massive amount of impact. True freshman, somehow. Going to be incredible.

#3 Blake Corum. I mean… yeah. Do you know how hard it is to average 5.8 YPC with a long of 12? That's insane.

Honorable mention: CJ Stokes made the most of his eight carries, displaying a Higdon-like ability to get vertical and make good cuts. Mazi Smith and Kris Jenkins both whooped up on Nebraska DL. Andrel Anthony didn't do a whole lot but did rescue a touchdown. Ronnie Bell managed a bunch of yards even in this game.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

43: Blake Corum (#2 CSU, #2 Hawaii, HM UConn, #1 Maryland, #2 Iowa. HM Indiana, T2 PSU, #1 MSU, T1 Rutgers, #3 Nebraska)
23: The Offensive Line (#3 Iowa, #1 PSU, HM MSU, #3 Rutgers, #1 Nebraska)
21: JJ McCarthy (#1 Hawaii, #2 UConn, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, #3 Indiana, HM PSU, HM MSU. HM Rutgers)
17: Mike Morris (T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, #1 Iowa, T1 Indiana, #3 PSU, HM Rutgers), Ronnie Bell (HM CSU, HM Hawaii, #1 UConn, #2 Indiana, HM PSU, HM Nebraska)
15:  Kris Jenkins (#3 UConn, T3 Hawaii, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana, #2 MSU, HM Rutgers, HM Nebraska)
14: Mazi Smith (#1 CSU, T3 Hawaii, HM Maryland, HM Iowa, HM MSU, HM Nebraska)
9: Donovan Edwards (HM Hawaii, T2 PSU, T1 Rutgers)
8: Mason Graham (HM Hawaii, HM Iowa, HM Indiana, #2 Nebraska)
7: Gemon Green (HM UConn, T2 Maryland, HM PSU)
5: DJ Turner (T2 Maryland), Junior Colson (#3 CSU, HM UConn, HM PSU), Luke Schoonmaker (T3 Maryland, HM Iowa, HM Indiana, HM MSU), Michael Barrett (#2 Rutgers).
4: Eyabi Okie (HM CSU, HM Iowa, T1 Indiana),  Jake Moody (HM PSU, #3 MSU).
3: Derrick Moore (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Jaylen Harrell (HM CSU, T1 Indiana), Rod Moore (HM CSU, HM Indiana, HM MSU)
2: Roman Wilson (HM CSU, HM Hawaii), Max Bredeson (T3 Maryland), Joel Honigford (T3 Maryland), Mike Sainristil (HM Maryland, HM Indiana)
1: Braiden McGregor (HM CSU), Makari Paige (HM Hawaii), Rayshaun Benny (HM Hawaii), Cornelius Johnson (HM Hawaii), , AJ Henning (HM UConn), Caden Kolesar (HM UConn), RJ Moten (HM Maryland), Will Johnson (HM Rutgers), CJ Stokes (HM Nebraska), Andrel Anthony (HM Nebraska).

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

God, who can tell when every offensive play is a run somewhere between 4 and 12 yards? I don't know, you pick one.

Honorable mention: Ronnie Bell gets Michigan a Rube Goldberg touchdown. Mason Graham and Kenneth Grant flash next year stuff. More runs from between 4 and 12 yards.

?MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Back to back attempted deep shots fall incomplete, mildly annoying people concerned about the outcome of this game and delivering a deep-seated paranoia to people focused on what happens against Ohio State.

Honorable mention: The other deep shots that fell incomplete. DJ Turner gets hit with a deep shot, see above about OSU paranoia. Officials blow a very obvious roughing the kicker penalty. Late half clock management is abominable.