Hey Guys, here's week two. Hope you enjoy.

(Link for native context)

https://peasanthandbook.com/2019/09/10/week-2-of-what-did-i-just-watch/?preview=true&_thumbnail_id=1532

What did I just watch?!?

-A BIG-centric recap of weekly happenings in the world of College Football

 

Week 2, 2019

 

 

Damascus Steel was the holy grail of medieval swordsmiths. A blade more keen and durable than others, European forgers were unable to replicate the the process which allowed Middle Eastern weapons makers to craft the mythical blades. Certain techniques at the anvil were crucial to the technique, but Damascus Steel also had a unique metallurgy. A particular lode in southern India had a unique composition containing rare elements typically not found in iron ore. Despite studying and attempting to replicate the secrets of Damascus Steel, it remained a lost art well into the 20th century.

 

In week 2 of the 2019 College Football season, teams have begun to forge and sharpen their identities, having purged the rough slag of the opening week. The balance of rare elements, consisting mainly of sapphiric-chip recruits and leadership with rubyric facial complexions, is still a mystery for many, but those with the quarry at hand once again demonstrated how they keep their edge. The crucible of the forge was too much for some teams; for others, their composition was just right, and they emerged well honed.  Who was this weeks whetting stone, and who the blade?

#6 LSU - 45

#9 Texas - 38

 

Victorian Age duels were conducted with a clear separation of intent. Blades were used for sparring, with first blood typically ending the spat, and the victor living on with the smug affirmation that his vanquished must endure the defeat. Pistols, however, were used with the intent to kill, the insult to a damsel or top hat too great an affront to withstand. In either instance, armor of any kind was disallowed, as the very nature of a duel was intended to be the cause of harm for the offending rascal. The outcome was meant to last a lifetime.

 

Though it wasn’t quite high noon, Saturday night in Austin saw a dangerous duel take place between pomped aristocracy of College Football, the results of which will be felt for the rest of the season. LSU entered the year in a nether world of sorts, expected by many to once again gravitate around the top 10 without ever breaching the atmosphere of playoff contention. Texas, having finished last season with a bang, has been eager to confirm that now-comedic meme-claim of ‘Texas is back, folks.’ And while 22 warriors took the field at a time, the game was really a duel between the two quarterbacks. Texas’ Sam Elingher and LSU’s Jeux Burreux (Sorry, it’s too easy) were each equipped with a six-shooter, and the intent was very much hostile; touchdowns were in no short supply, as each quarterback repeatedly exchanged volleys in the second half. The thick heat and skilled athletes ensured the game would devolve into a shootout.

 

But pleasantries ensued before the draw. Texas ran 8 plays within 6 yards of the endzone in the first half and scored zero points, courtesy to a touchdown drop more open than the west Texas plains and a rousing stand from the LSU defensive front. While Texas eventually found the endzone on the back of Texas’ patented QB power run game, LSU QB Joe Burrow began to display a poise and accuracy that very few expected to see en route to 17 second quarter points. Texas went into the half down 20-7.

 

But a combination of injuries, cramps, and the ever-gamey Sam Elingher led to a big third quarter for Texas, and the duelists began their dance. With each quarterback notching four touchdowns and 400+ yards passing, the teams ricocheted touchdowns deep into the night.  It was a thrilling game, one in which a high level of execution dictates that a player must make an impact ‘play’ to break the stalemate. Or, plays. Because for as much as Elingher and Longhorns receiver Devin Duvernay were showing out, Joe Burrow made a serious case as one of the nations best quarterbacks. Continually hitting clutch throws, his biggest of the night came on a touchdown strike on a third and long in the waning minutes of the game. Had Texas given up any less than 18 yards on the play, they would have had a chance to send it to overtime, but Burrow completed his 31rst pass of the night to give the dagger - or rapier, depending on your heritage. Texas gunned down the field to score with only seconds left, but when the onsides kick slipped out of a Longhorn’s hands, the game was decided.

 

It was a remarkable performance for LSU, who has been known as a team with a hard ceiling due to their plodding, dated offense, which could be cited as the reason for Les Miles being ousted a few years back. His replacement Ed Oregeron, a special man who sounds as if he’s choking on gumbo at all times, was hardly billeted as the one to make the change. A mediocre opening year followed by two good-not-great years at the behest of Alabama seemed to lock LSU in as a perennial 10-3 ‘almost’. But LSU looks like a completely new team, and that their quarterback has taken the next step is not only unexpected but now makes LSU a serious playoff contender. 

 

Despite the impressive feat of outdueling Sam Elingher in his own stadium, we’ll need to see a bit more from both teams before we can make any lasting proclamations. Texas was probably a bit overrated coming into the year, and hasn't addressed their porous secondary from 2018. Unfortunately for Texas, this probably won’t be the last time they surrender 400 passing yards. Texas coach Tom Herman is an excellent offensive mind and has produced a top level unit in Austin, but his inability to develop regarded defensive players will ensure that Texas cannot escape the realm that LSU seems to have just escaped from - 10-3 goodness, just short of great. The Longhorns are well built to punish the pliant and brittle defensive schemes of the Big - 12, with a power game centered around Elingher complimenting the league wide finesse that sees most games turn into demonstrations on the uselessness of defense. But against an SEC team capable of matching their power advantage, it only took a few stops to geld Bevo. Texas won’t turn into a good defensive team overnight, and short of establishing an Oregonian-type defense centered around opportunistic turnover generation, will likely have to settle for another year of Bronze. But LSU might just have the mettle to go for Gold.

 

#7 Michigan - 24

Army - 21

Double overtime

George Washington doesn’t exactly have a glowing resume, if one were to examine his tactical record - he was a Rutgersian 3-8 in his major engagements. But as a strategic planner, he was second to none. Washington understood that the Revolutionary War was a contest centered around the tiring morale of the British, and if he and his army could just stay alive till the end, he’d only need to win the one battle that counted to break the will of the Lobsterbacks. The Continetal Army didn’t need to win the day-by-day battles to win the war; they just needed to not lose.

 

It should come as little surprise that the distant posterity of America's founding military tradition should field a team with a near identical strategy. The Black Knights of Army don’t have the talent to compete with Blue Bloods, but they don’t need it. Much like Washington's rag-tag assortment of minutemen, Ar - Scratch that. Army is more like the ten-minutemen. Using interminable drives featured around a scheme that feels like they’re losing on a tactical, play-by-play basis, Army has created a strategic blueprint for taking down Global Empires --- I mean Blue Blood programs.

 

Each play is a miserable three yard gain. Followed by another. And another. And then fourth and 1 comes and Washington extracts his entire army from New York - er, Army converts using another three yard gain. All the while, the clock is ticking on the opposition, their will slowly being sapped as they realize their superior soldiers and tactics don’t matter and that Army won’t just lose; they’ll have to take victory, albeit with fewer opportunities. Michigan was hesitant to apply the ‘let’s win’ strategy, for reasons that may worryingly be more related to fact than fate. While turnovers can largely be considered a metric of ‘luck’ in College Football, Michigan can’t say they had bad luck again today, when they committed five turnovers; rather, Michigan was quite lucky to win this game. 

 

Army pounced on every Michigan mistake, turning two fumbles in touchdowns in the first half. Their long, slow drives limited Michigan’s chances to redress the damages. The Michigan offense looked as logistically challenged as the British in the colonies for much of the game, compounding the issue. Shea Patterson looks sheaky as can be with the ball in his hands, losing two more fumbles and playing with a disheartening inconsistency. The result was a 14-7 lead for Army going into half, which felt like more given the tenor. While the refs botched a Michigan fumble return for a touchdown that would have given them a lead - and thus forced Army into the uncomfortable prospect of playing behind with their lethargic style - Michigan can only blame themselves for letting this game turn into a four quarter debacle. 

 

Actually, it went longer than that, because of more ineptitude from the Michigan offense. Two fourth quarter drives stalled on fourth down in the midst of Michigan running on 13 consecutive plays, one of which was well within field goal range. (Bear in mind that the Michigan run game was only managing about 3 yards per carry against a physically overmatched Army defensive front.) The only reason the game was close in the fourth quarter was due to a false start by Army when they were threatening to go up by a shocking score of 21-7. Facing second and one from Michigan’s goal line, Army had three plays to go one yard, which is essentially a guaranteed success for them. The penalty pushed them back five yards, and they felt forced to throw, which Michigan’s Lavert Hill dutifully picked off. Had Army avoided that penalty, or even grabbed the field goal, Michigan’s discombobulated offense may not have had the time to come back.

 

As it stands, Michigan’s fifth turnover of the day gave Army a chance to win it with a last second field goal. The miss sent it into overtime. One of nine Michigan penalties - each one unique in how absolutely damaging it was - gave Army a first down after Michigan had stopped them, and the Black Knights scored a touchdown a few plays later. Michigan stumbled into the endzone to counter in the next frame, with Patterson making the last of a handful of crucial third down completions to aid the score. 

In the second overtime, Patterson had an awful three play sequence where he missed a touchdown, overthrew a first down, and then… did something of which I am unsure. The Wolverines’ Jake Moody kicked a clutch 43 yard field goal and the Big House became more tense than the House of Commons awaiting news from Cornwallis; an Army touchdown would have pulled off the stunning upset. Luckily for Michigan, two outstanding defensive plays forced Army to throw once more, which predictably ended in disaster. A strip-sack fumble from DE Kwity Paye ended the game, and with it, Army’s hope for their biggest win since Yorktown. 

 

First, it must be said that Army is a really solid team. They were 11-2 last year and regularly destroyed decent teams - beating Houston by 54 in their bowl game - even replicating their near upset of a top-10 team when they took Oklahoma to overtime. A false start and the questionable decisions to throw the ball are a narrow margin to lose for when playing at the #7 team in the country. It’s fascinating that a team can ‘lose’ on a down to down basis - Army averaged a paltry 3.3 yards per play - and still be winning, and it’s a reminder that the goal of a given game isn’t to be the better team; it’s to win. Army exemplifies this, as they do toughness, discipline, and focus.

 

Those three qualities don’t exactly ring true with Michigan, however. Entering the season with dreams of a star spangled offense looking to colonize swathes of field, Michigan instead is well in the bottom half of the Big Ten in many offensive metrics. Most Power 5 teams should be able to physically dominate a service academy, but Michigan’s touted offensive line struggled all day in run blocking, and had a few major gaffes in an otherwise solid day of pass blocking. If Michigan even halved their mental errors and instead made only some unconscionable mistakes, they’d have the outline of a really solid team. Instead, their season nearly blew up in week two like the Williamsburg magazine before Concord. Two NFL caliber receivers, Tarik Black and Nico Collins, had five catches total. The extremely promising Zach Charbonnet needed 33 carries to get to 100 yards and got stuffed multiple times on crucial downs. Patterson alternates between excellent throws and poor pocket presence and errant wobblers, and is clearly suffering from a crisis of confidence - not an encouraging sign two weeks into an offensive overhaul. The defense is already allowing about five more PPG, and with four of the Wolverines next six games against ranked teams - and only two gimmes left, against The Unspeakable and Illinois - Michigan may have to recalibrate expectations. 

 

It could go two ways; much like Ohio State looked awful last year but kept winning and turned it on when it mattered, Michigan could use the bye week to clean up their mistakes and evolve into their potential. Or, much like 2014 and 2017, early season struggles against inferior opponents could be indicative of systemic problems, and a season that would be mediocre under normal circumstances - but with their brutal schedule - could end in disaster. Harbaugh has often referenced that he wants his teams to have steel in their spines; stealing a win against Army at home shows that they’ll need a lot more than that to win their first hardware since 2004.

 

----

Plebius and his master are strolling the cobbled streets on their way to the swordsmith. A cyprian merchant tries to sell them orange and white checkered merchandise. A gaunt monk swoops in condemns them for the sins of the many. Plebius decides to sing the Christian hymn ‘On Cougar’s Paws.’ Plebius’ master is set upon by filthy plebs of the Forum. He throws Plebius a sack of gold and tells him to go on. At the forge, Plebius admires the fine quality of the steel made from the Barbarian smithy. 

 

“My master would have a new blade. I hear of a conjurer who makes unbreakable steel. Be that you?”

“Conjurer, no. Merely an observer of what is already before me.”
“Tell me the secrets of your craft, lest I bring ‘round the posse and warn them a blasphemer of Delphi is in our midst.”

The smith eyes Plebius warily. Plebius frowns, thinking of all the chamberpots he will have to clean with his tongue if he does not return to his master with the secrets. The Exotic smiles knowingly.

“Hearken, peasant scum.” The smith begins to stir shakers and rattle hilts, deftly twirling hammers and tapping tongs. Smoke from the forge drifts and curls into a newfound language and makes sludge of the thatch walls. “See here the fire that brings the smelt to a bubble.  The steel of Rome can only withstand a certain heat before it turns to brittle plate.”

“I will tell our blacksmith to bring the forge to a more gradual boil, then.”
The barbarian clucks. “If it were so simple, we’d all have need of scabbard. No, there is a certain quality of the ore I commission from across the sea. We know not of its making, only that our assayers know it when they see it. It is malleable to circumstance, but firm when shaped. It can withstand any range of temperature, and the greater extremities improve the resiliency of the final product. The smith - “ the barbarian holds up a gloved, four fingers hand “ - has little skill other than bringing the best of the metal to the surface. And good fortune in the shade of the sun and the vapor in the air cannot be discounted.”
Plebius glances at the barbarians braided beard, his oily skin glowing in the glimmer of ember.
“It sounds to me that you are little more than coach to a mysterious metal, one that is apt to behave in unpredictable fashion, but when proper, easily recognized. You are merely the proctor of chaos!”
“And this, foul prole, is the only secret worth knowing.”

 

-----

 

Other Notable Results

 

#1 Clemson - 24

#12 Texas A&M - 10

 

One would think a school of agriculture and mining - a la the Texas A&M Aggies - would have a better grasp of the aforementioned secrets of mettle. Since abandoning the perceived collapse of the Big 12 for the meaner pastures of the SEC in 2012, the Aggies enjoyed a healthy bonanza of Johnny Football, but little else. Jimbo Fisher took over for the ousted Kevin Sumlin, and hopes have been high that Texas A&M, a program with the panache to become a powerhouse, could join the nation's elite. After playing last year's national champion Clemson closer than anyone else in a 24-22 thriller in College Station, this year’s rematch provided an opportunity to show that coach Fisher was preparing to take the Aggies to their promised heights. Instead, we were given a top tier matchup that gave us surprisingly little information on either team.

A scoreless first quarter gave way to an early second quarter field goal for Texas A&M; that would be the only meaningful points they would score for the rest of the game. All-star Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence didn’t eviscerate the Aggies like he has many teams - perhaps that being a small victory - but he did plenty to lift Clemson to a high profile win. The Tigers slowly exerted themselves, showing their depth on both sides of the ball as the Aggies simply couldn’t hold pace. A garbage time touchdown put the Aggies over 200 yards of offense and prevented the score from an inflated margin of 31-3, which would have been a more accurate indicator of the control Clemson exerted in this one. What’s terrifying is that Texas A&M is a good team; they didn’t exactly play poorly. Clemson is just excellent. Adding to this terror is that Clemon’s top RB, the electric Travis Ettaine, did play relatively poorly, and Lawrence played under his usual standard. Still, the Tigers walked to an easy win against a top-15 team. Clemson probably won’t feature in the Peasant Handbook for quite some time, as the ASS whoops something is wrong with my keyboard ACC is a miserable conference, and while this game hardly merited the column space for its relatively uneventful course, it must be said that I can really only see Clemson losing under bizarre or dire circumstances. After their convincing victory over Alabama, and this game being the last ranked team they play all year, I have to wonder if anything is going to stop them from winning it all.

 

#24 Nebraska - 31

Colorado - 34

 

‘Rocky Mountain High’ has always had a comical entendre central to its state of origin, the lovely Colorado and their - hmm, how do I say this - willingness to entertain alternative agricultural practices. But the earliest settlers on the front range had few of the highs the state enjoys now. A slow drain of oxygen and moisture and an exponential increase in prairie dogs presents a daunting trail for those escaping failed Okra farms back east. Now, visitors trek to the Centennial State to enjoy a more... luscious and titillating atmospheric condition. That they’re high above sea level is comedic happenstance.

 

The Nebraska Cornhuskers also enjoyed the highs, at least during the first half. The preseason saw the Huskers through the foggy lens of Frosted Glass, assuming the Huskers coach Scott Frost would work his year 2 turnaround magic and vault the Cornsters into Big Ten West contention, at the very least. The media darling has been the center of doubts from the more astute peasants of the realm, however, and this pleb was not the only one to anticipate Nebraska dropping the ball, or should I say, Boulder. So it was mildly surprising when we saw the Huskers play a thoroughly dominating first half en route to a 17-0 lead at the break against the Buffs. The defense played with a discipline that has not yet shown in Frost’s tenure, and Adrian Martinez played with a control that was the last notably absent skill in his considerable set. But the dreaded plague of Cannabis, infiltrating the youth and destroying our dear country, snuck its way into the Husker locker room at half.

 

Or the Buffs locker room, because the second half saw them elevate their play and begin to match the Huskers. The Jared Mangham got the Buffs on the board with a touchdown late in the third, and thus began a fourth quarter that felt like an overdose on edibles. A goal line flea flicker - which, had it gone wrong, would be the source of endless criticism - gave the Colorado their longest play in school history, and they pulled within three. On the next play, Nebraska took the kernel of a simple play and took it seventy five yards for a touchdown. 24-14. With turnovers on three of their final four possessions, the Huskers continued to allow the Buffalii a chance to circle the wagons. An incremental field goal brought it within a score, and with only seconds left, the talented Buffs QB Steven Monetx - a veteran slinger - threw the day's most beautiful pass to send the game to overtime, a back of the endzone lob to Tony Brown. Colorado who started last year 5-0 before losing 7 straight, washed the bad taste of last year's ashes in one beautiful pass.

 

Nebraska, however, felt the fire. A bumbling overtime possession saw them lose yards, needing to at least match Colorado’s field goal in the first frame. With their two starting kickers out for the game, Nebraska trotted out their pitiable punter to attempt an impossible 48 yard field goal, which the poor guy missed badly. The Buffs stampeded the field, and for the second year in a row, Colorado ended one of the seasons most exciting games with a resounding triumph.

 

Colorado predictably dumped their head coach after last years debacle - which included giving up a 30 point, second half lead to the Rutgers of the PAC 12, Oregon State, to miss out on bowl eligibility - and the new head man Mel Tucker seems to be building something special. A certain energy and assuredness follows coaches who have the ‘it’, and while a win against a mediocre Nebraska is hardly the calling card for a bright future, a certain something (not the drug smoke) was in the air in Boulder. Scott Frost, on the other cob, wants that certain something and the drug smoke after Nebraska’s 8th straight road loss. They struggled in week one against a meat sack, and now in week two they blow an enormous lead in a game that seemed to be over. Like, over over. The striking polarity between Tucker and Frost is painful for the Huskers to stomach; on the opposite sidelines, a coach with little to no regard has produced a memorable win in his second game. In his second season, Frost has done nothing but disappoint. The Huskers have to win a game of importance this year or the Husker hype train could go off the rails. On Saturday, a Boulder dropped on the tracks.

 

Or, to summarize in the prescient and enlightening language of the internet?

 

Fuck corn.

 

#21 Syracuse - 20

Maryland - 63

 

Maryland is an enigmatic program. Having done little but embarrass the Big Ten with last year’s scandal, a tragedy of unspeakable horror, the Terps have had the offensive talent and generally contain the resources to be better than the spat of 5-7 blobs they regularly produce. Mike Locksely, another Saban acolyte given opportunity for his masters prodigy,  was brought in to right the ship. A D.C native, Locksley’s only other run as a head coach was a disaster filled gambit at New Mexico State, where he went something like 3-25. I don’t even care enough to look up the actual record. It was a level of production on par with our governments competence.

 

So there was plenty of skepticism when Locksley began his tenure, but so far, Maryland has been one of the nation's biggest surprises. Now, early season upsets against ‘superior’ competition - sorry Texas - is nothing new for Maryland. They’ve started each of the last two years with inspiring wins against ranked Longhorns squads, and generally demolish the lower tiered competition they play. Going up against a Syracuse team on the rise with coach Dino Babers - I’ll say it again, that’s a jurassic chicken - we felt we’d learn a lot about Maryland on Saturday. I - I think we did?

 

The bevy of talented Maryland offensive players were in fine form. Racking up 650 yards with an array of fast/strong guys, Maryland kept attacking the edges and Syracuse couldn’t stop it. Terps QB Josh Jackson, a transfer from Virginia Tech, is the best signal called Maryland has had in years, and it showed; he put up nearly 300 passing yards and added more on the ground, and has a firm grasp of the team and offense. Limited passers have limited Maryland for years - to say nothing of injuries which have decimated the position - but Jackson is a legit playmaker. The game was over early in the second quarter, with seismic strikes coming from all directions. Syracuse went quickly into furlough. 142-20 is a pretty solid composite score in the first two weeks under a new regime.

 

The problem for Maryland has been focus. Last year started similarly, before they got pasted at home by, uh, Temple. When the Big Ten season starts, Maryland produces at least 3 games where they simply aren’t engaged and don't motivated. If Locksley can get Maryland to play at a level of moderate engagement for, say, 10 games a year, Maryland is easily a bowl game, with skill players like Anthony McFarland quietly being one of the B1G’s best backs. The Maryland offense looks dynamic, aggressive, and difficult to contain. The defense is liable to have some difficult games, but they’re athletic enough to make a few plays that could take them over the top in a shootout. I’m cautiously optimistic about Maryland. They’ll have earned my vote if they can deliver on some of their promise. (That would be a first for the D.C area.)

 

Syracuse was one of last year's darlings. After showing promise in upsetting Clemson in 2017, and following it up with a nine win campaign - and another near upset against the Tigers - Syracuse seemed to be the clear second of the ACC, which we assumed meant an easy follow up on last seasons success in the miserable league. A total lack of awareness from players in the secondary and poor tackling cropped up at times last year, but those are forgivable errors in a team on the rise. Instead, the issues seem to have grown worse, and without I-forgot-his-name their good QB from last year (HEAVY HITTING SPORTS WRITING), they simply don’t have the ability to cover for the defense when things get out of control. Dino Babers will run out of goodwill quickly if he continues to get gashed like this, and what now seems to be a sure loss next week against Clemson will set them to 1-2, and deflate last years momentum. Babers had better go on a tear for the rest of his year if he wants to keep the Orange peeled (SURE, DUDE, THAT MAKES SENSE).

 

*Eyes dart from side to side. Catches corneil contact with cat. Mouse from inside walls still looking on.*

‘I need more Apple Juice*
ORANGE JUICE

 

Shamelessly Relegated Data Points due to Varying Levels of Incompetence, Irrelevance, or Expectedness…

 

#19 Michigan State enjoyed their first treat of the year, beating Western Michigan 51-17. The funny thing about cupcakes it that they’re sweet, but that sugar can spoil your appetite. In this instance, the Spartans need to stay hungry for improvement. It is absolutely encouraging that they demolished a team they needed to demolish after last weeks stale performance against Tulsa. This Peasant was speculating that QB Brain Lewerke may be nearing a broken condition, and I’m inclined to make a partial recant, seeing as how he looked the part of a QB overpowering a team of roasted goat meat - again, progress. This was the first convincing performance for the Spartans since, what, Thermopylae? Which, if I remember correctly, was only won because of staunch defense. Shit. Well, still, a team like Michigan State may only need a confidence boost to emerge from their pit of offensive despair, and this may have been it. Running Back Elijah Collins finally played the part of a premier back for MSU, something that’s been missing since the enigmatic LJ Scott took over in 2017. Darrel Stewart has the dreads, and ostensibly the skill, to replace the excellent Felton Davis from last year. The defense had a few hiccups but for the second week in a row gobbled up turnovers and was still excellent. While a game like this could end up being smoke and mirrors, Michigan State finally can look in the mirror, and without the aid of heavy drug smoking, feel good about themselves.

 

#15 Penn State beat Buffalo, 45-13. Buffalo actually had a 10-7 lead at halftime, as the Nittany Beavers offense was wretched in the first half, the departure of Penn State legend Trace McSorley weighing heavily on the replacing Sean Clifford. But after an early pick-6 in the third, Clifford had his confidence restored, and actually made some plays - both on the ground and through the air - that were very McSorley-esque. Still, problems exist for this team, and though they have a lot of potential, a stern test won’t see them escape a slow start so easily.

 

USC crushed #25 Stanford, 45-20. You know, I’m going to be a bit smug on this one. I got in touch with my feelings and it just seemed so true to College Football that a flailing team with a coach on the hot seat that just lost its starting QB for the season would demolish a ranked team. And it happened. QB Kedon Slovis, a true freshman pressed into duty after the incumbent JT Daniels tore his ACL, looks the part of a future star in rolling up 400+ total yards of offense and three touchdowns for the Trojans. USC was miserable last year and apathy in Los Angeles was nearing a paradoxical breaking point, but Slovis has completely changed the tenor for the Trojans, who certainly don’t lack for talent. The PAC-12 is wide open, and if the Trojans can build on this bolt of confidence, it’s not implausible to see them rallying for contention. What a difference a player can make. Stanford showed a surprising lack of toughness, especially on defense, and has been on a downward trend since last year. Still, with David Shaw keeping them from their historical ineptitude, they may have to settle for a new norm of 7-5 and be happy. They still have the best mascot in sports.

 

Florida State bumbled their way to an overtime victory over ULM - Monroe, 45-44. ULM Monroe sounds like a Great Depression era banking subsidiary plan, but Florida State needed an extra point to bank right in overtime to keep Tallahassee from their own Great Depression. In FSU coach Willie Taggerts ‘Year 0’ in 2018, Florida State barely held on to beat Furman in a game with eerie similarity, but most observers can write off the first year of a reconstruction. But Florida State has blown 18+ leads in consecutive weeks, and ULM Monroe had clear parity with the Seminoles. Despite having some nice skill players on offense and good athleticism on defense, Florida State simply looks like a bad team, an improper mixture of incompatible pieces that are poorly assembled. Expectations for the Seminoles - who have no excuse to ever miss a bowl game, with the resources at their disposal - were modest for Taggert’s second year; a bowl game, and maybe an upset win over a spasmodic ACC foe. Instead, we’ve got to wonder if Taggert is the man for the job. Though the offensive line has gone from abysmal to just bad, the team has made no improvements in the most important facets, like mental toughness and fortitude. A proven coach could easily take the talent at FSU to ~7+ wins, and while Taggert can preach on about his system and needing time, he’ll be out of time before realizes that nobody cares enough to watch anymore. The most interesting thing from this game is the reaction when the poor ULM kicker missed that extra point - it wasn’t even relief, the dejected little sibling of hope. It was a nonchalant revelation. A realization that Florida State football, one of the proudest programs in the country, needs other teams to be more terrible than it is in order to win. The list of supplicants grows shorter every week. Just like the lines outside Doak Campbell.

 

#4 Oklahoma put up seventy on South Dakota, which is apparently still a state. Jalen Hurts only needed two quarters to get three touchdowns, only missing a few throws and again looking the part of a Sooner-for-Heisman campaign. 700+ yards said South Dakota when asked about the state population. The separation between the haves and half-a-real-state’s is becoming more and more pronounced as these cupcake disemyeastments occur.

BYU beat Tennessee in double overtime, 29-26. Listen, guys. It happens, Big schools fall onto hard times. But Tennessee...man. A week after suffering what is arguably the worst loss in school history, the Vols gave up like a 300 yards Hosana Mary to allow BYU to send it into overtime on a last second field goal. They had this game won, multiple times. Predictably, the Cougars had more faith in the final frame, and using a rather inspirational clump-push-into-endzone play for the walk-off win sent the Vols to 0-2. Coach Jeremy Pruitt is talking about excising players and comparing his team to the Titanic, which - listen, boats are cool and all, but I don’t get it. In no circumstance is comparing your team the the Titanic indicative of anything remotely positive. Unless Pruitt pulls a stunning upset - which I find unlikely, as the Vols will probably mentally check out when the very likely 1-6 start hits home, he’ll be out of Knoxville. Cue the next rebuild. At least they’ll have plenty to mine at Rock Bottom.

 

#10 Auburn struggled to pull away from Tulane, 24-7, in a game that was close till the end. Blah Blah early season, but honestly, this stinks of Auburn inconsistency. Not sure the War Eagle can do better than 8-9 wins on the year, which will again have them calling for blood. Their own blood. Because Auburn fans are batshit.

 

North Carolina beat Miami, 28-25. The ‘Return of the Mack’ seems very real, indeed. Having wrested North Carolina from a demonic grasp in incompetence, Mack Brown has suddenly won two games against respectable competition. (His outsize impact makes embattled coaches like Taggert and Pruitt even more available for criticism) NC freshman QB Sam Howell looks the part of and up and coming playmaker, and the defense plays with enough discipline to keep games close, unlike prior years. Converting on a fourth and 17 in the games winning minutes, Howell found a guy named DAZZ with only seconds left for the game winning score. At 2-0 for the first time in five years, North Carolina must be thrilled with the Mack Brown experiment, which was an uncertain endeavor. The same cane’t be said in Coral Gables, however, which is going through a hurricane of emotions after their first 0-2 start in 40+ years. Manny Diaz is a local hero and was expected to bring Miami back from mediocrity after the oddly incompatible tenure of Mark Richt. I didn’t cover their week 0 loss to Florida as the game was College Football’s equivalent to the holocaust, but Miami has lost two conseuctive games they easily coulda/shoulda won. Even scuffling Miami should be able to make a bowl in the putrid ACC, but it’s a disappointing start that indicates ‘The U’ ‘The Oh-and Two’ won’t be back to the big stage anytime soon. Kind of like Big Bird after his addiction to mescaline was revealed.

 

Minnesota held on to beat Fresno State in overtime, 38-35. The Golden Rodents can’t be criticized too heavily, as Fresno is usually a decent team and just recently pushed now resurgent USC to the brink, but when your a Big 10 team and you struggle with lower division/tier meatsax for consecutive weeks in a row, it’s cause for concern. PJ Fleck is still a hampster in my eyes, and the wheel of Goldie’s mediocrity looks to be... well SPOKE-IN for. *Chain smokes cigarettes in satisfaction. Hampster building castle of cig butts in apartment walls looks on. Andrew’s days are numbered*

 

Iowa beat NO. I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT THEM EVERYTHING WAS SO FUN AND COOL THIS WEEK AND UNTIL I AM FORCED TO TALK ABOUT THEM I JUST WON’T. I WON’T DO IT. But Iowa looks solid.

 

Missouri rebounded from their week one debacle against Wyoming to beat West Virginia 38-7. This sort of scramboozlery is perfectly in line with Missouri. West Virginia is poised for a few tough years, as Dana Holgerson bolted in the off season and the rebuild is on. Tough, as the Mountaineers have been good for a while now. Don’t expect to see anything from them this year.

 

Purdue achieved partial redemption for their week 1 collapse against Nevada and beat Vanderbilt 42-24. Beating an SEC team is always nice, even if it is Vandy. Purdue is frustratingly inconsistent; expect a 7-5 season with a few more disgusting losses and one or two really nice wins. Purdue QB Elijah Sindelair continues to put up amazing stats; he dropped 500+ yards Saturday.

 

# 5 Ohio State crushed Cinicnatti, 42-0. Justin Fields continues to impress, though Cincinnati didn’t provide nearly the game we thought them capable of, with former Bucks interim coach Luke Fickell being expected to bring a chip on his shoulder into Columbus. Cincinnati was good last year, but it may have been the high water mark for a team that didn’t look ready to compete with the big time. While the Bucks offense being good is expected, the most promising aspect of this year's team is that the defense seems to be playing to its talent level, which it did not last year. They showed discipline, aggression, and solid scheme for the second week in a row. Should this continue, make them the favorite for Indy once more. Some freshmen are also emerging to replace last years crossing route death machine. That Fields seemed to make incremental improvement from last week - though still showing some uncertainty in his reads and pocket presence - is another reason for optimism. If Ryan Day can develop his talented players, the post Rural Kroger epoch is shaping up nicely.  I’m not sure how they’ll hold up against better team, as both FAU and Cincy didn’t seem like they wanted to be there, but so far, so good in Columbus. Check back in a few weeks. 

 

Wisconsin crushed Central Michigan, 61-0. They’re beating teams by an average of 55-0 two weeks into the season. They look great, and that Jack Coan seems to be a functional quarterback - although these two games have been barely more than scrimmages against skewered bat meat - would suggest that the Badgers are ‘back’ from last year’s disappointment. If the defense isn’t a mirage, they’re probably the second best team in the league, as it stands now.

 

California beat #17 Washington, 26-24, on a last second field goal. This game ended at 4:23 AM EST, which is frankly better than sex for a nocturnal CFB junkie like me. California ran rampant in the third quarter against a Washington team not used to surrendering yards on the ground. A nearly empty stadium, cleared out by the weather delay, watched the Huskies surrender a game ending, walk off field goal to Cal, which has upset Washington two years in a row using the same formula; Washington forgets how to play offense. The Golden Bears again enjoy their resurgence, while Washington has to consider that without Jake Browning and Miles Gaskins, they may top out as a top 15 team and no better. A promising week one win for Washington has soured and we’re not sure where the Huskies go from here.

 

UCLA lost their second consecutive game to a G5 school, falling to San Diego State 24-13. Look, a rebuild is tough, and Bruins coach Chip Kelley has proven himself before. But his time in Oregon is starting to seem like an apparition of sorts. Kelley has refused to recruit - which is shocking at a big name school like UCLA - and the future doesn’t seem bright. The schemes which Kelley made his name at Oregon with are absent and the players seem like they haven't bought in. UCLA is in for a really tough season, and they seem to lack even the bad-team WTF’ness that sets up some rando’s for upsets. I don’t think UCLA gets more than 3 wins this year, and Kelley will be out after missing bowl eligibility next year as well. UCLA is really, really bRuined at this point.

 

#2 Alabama and #3 Georgia won by like 800, so yea, sick.

 

Obligatory Verne Lundquist

 

What do you want to do?

 

*Fight*

 

“Bontavious Von Strubel Shire on the tackle”                         “OH HO HO”

*Mutter a sentence fragment *                         *BE UNCLE VERNE*

 

Orifice Extractions for Week 3:

Peasant Omniscience to date : 8-2

 

#6 Ohio State - 34

Indiana - 28

 

Annual scramboozlery sees Indiana pretend like they want to win until they don’t.

 

Pittsburgh - 26

#13 Penn State - 24

 

A last second field goal reminds us that this is a great rivalry. James Franklin fields 3 players at least twice and ices his own punter to great effect.

 

#24 USC - 18

BYU - 23

 

The Cougars go to church an extra time this week - eight for those counting at home - and continue their typical streak of early season back to back upsets. Later they fall outside the grace of Josef Smith and Kolob comes crashing down.

 

Stanford - 31

#18 UCF - 30

 

Stanford calls to their pride after a feckless loss and pulls off the upset. Their physicality is a good match up against the smaller G5 opponent.

 

#19 Iowa - 24

Iowa State - 29

 

These games are typically nonsense, but if Iowa hasn’t yet suffered its early OOC upset loss, the Cyclones are ready to oblige. However, neither team will endeavor to win. Ferentz will punt on first and goal at least twice.

 

#18 Michigan State - 31

Arizona State - 16

 

An offensively challenged ASU team feeds right into MSU’s strength, and the Spartans build off last weeks confidence cupcake.

 

#9 Florida - 20

Kentucky - 13

 

Florida isn’t as good as their ranking, but Kentucky has lost a lot of what made them special last year, including losing their starting QB for the season. The Gators want revenge after losing to the Bluegrass for the first time in forever last year.

 

#1 Clemson - 46

Syracuse - 17

 

What appeared could be Clemson’s second biggest test this season now has the trappings of a blow out, as Syracuse simply doesn’t have the discipline of defense to stop Trevor Lawrence. The Orange have played the Tigers tough for two years, but Clemson won’t be caught off guard again.

 

Purdue - 29

TCU - 33

 

Topsy Turvy Shenanigans continue for Purdue, who outplay TCU but continue their up and down bullshit.

 

Parting Fragments:

 

This was a wonderful weekend of College Football, and reminded me why I write these. Next week will be a little more meek, and we’ll have to bank on an upset to spice things up; if we’ve learned anything, its that we’ll get one.

 

HOSANA BAAL.