pencil sharpeners fix everything

the problem

Michigan's best-in-class loyalty program has a painfully assembled acronym, which is never a good sign. The details:

The new program will award a student two loyalty points for each non-revenue sporting event they attend. Students attending revenue sports, like football, won't get two loyalty points unless they're early to games.

"In order to get full two points [at revenue sporting events] you have to at least check-in 20 minutes before game time," …

The HAIL rewards scale:

• 12 points: A Michigan shirt worth $10.
• 25 points: $5 'blue bucks' deposited directly in students' U-M account.
• 50 points: Adidas shirt and bag
• 80 points: Students get $100 in a Flagstar Bank checking account. They also get a Victors Club priority point, which can be use for priority standing when obtaining football or basketball tickets.
• 100 points: Students receive an invitation to a private athletic department event and get entered to win one of three grand prizes. One grand prize includes season tickets to football, basketball and hockey games for one student. Another grand prize is a $2,000 cash award and another is a two roundtrip airline tickets.
• The highest point earner will receive recognition during a 2013 home football game.

The article leads off with this justification of the loyalty program…

Wolverine fans, remember Rocket Man? Or the card trick at Michigan Stadium last year?

If you do, you probably remember that Rocket Man was flying toward a near-empty student section and the northwest section of the stadium was sparsely populated during the card trick.

Those pre-gaming students aren't exactly reliable at showing up on time.

…that everyone associated with the program except the missing students is on-board with. But then it says "that's probably about to change." I'm not sure the proposed rewards are sufficient for that statement to be made, but CEO's New Clothes and all that.

the proposed solution: free pencil sharpeners

For students who only attend football games—the vast majority since there are approximately 10x more football season ticket holders than basketball or hockey—there are two groups the loyalty program divides you into:

• 20 minutes early for every game: free shirt
• Late for at least one game: no free shirt

Instead of using ticket scans they're making you check in with an app or register at a booth, dropping some number of free shirt people into the no free shirt group because they can't be bothered.

Q: If you were a drunken, 20-minutes-late stumbler last year, is the prospect of not getting yet another yellow shirt going to turn you into R. Lee Ermey?

A: I am so wasted.

The other bits might help flesh out the sparse end of the Yost student section, but to get to the first actual prize (100 bucks, Victors club point) on the list you need to attend 40 events. If you're going to revenue games you have this available:

• Six football games
• 21 hockey games
• 17 basketball games (based on last year's schedule)

Getting to football 20 minutes early is right and just and gets you in to see the band. Getting to hockey or basketball 20 minutes early allows you to hear Nickelback at loud volumes. How many kids are…

• going to be season ticket holders to all three sports AND devote over eight hours of their time to sitting in the stands before revenue sports other than football
• OR be season ticket holders in two sports and attend thirteen to sixteen non-revenue events
• AND remember to check in every time
• AND not be Lloyd Brady or in the vicinity of Lloyd Brady, i.e., the exact kind of people you do not need to reach?

I'm guessing the number there is exactly zero.

A student loyalty program should  be based on ticket scans and determine priority for next year's seating and and bowl/NCAA lotteries plus involve a number of Victors Club points worthwhile enough to pursue. Those who can't show up on time at all should not get tickets that could go to better-paying and plain better fans. The above plan is a nice bonus for kids who are already fanatics but completely fails to address the major issue.

PROTIP for student mgoblog readers: location spoofer. Wave to me from the field, plz.