football

Arguably the most tradition-rich program in the nation, Michigan should leave no slippery rock unturned in its return to prosperity. It is for this reason that I choose to examine some of the lesser-known candidates. In addition, most people on this board are currently barking mad and could use a step back from the Heath Ledger. Without further ado, a list of unworthy candidates!

Charlie Weis

Experience: Offensive Coordinator Jets/Patriots, Notre Dame Head Coach, Your local buffet.

Pros: Weis would put Michigan on the map. Literally.

Cons: University is not big enough for both him and Barwis, but mostly him.

Interest: Rumors claim that his dream job is to consume a collegiate offensive line.

Little known fact: Once sued doctors who performed a gastric bypass on him and lost.

Outlook: Probably the best candidate on this list. Wow.

John L. Smith

Experience: Head Coach of Idaho, Utah State, Louisville, and Michigan State.

Pros: His special teams unit at Arkansas came close to icing a game against Ohio State.

Cons: Known for giving away games against Ohio State.

Interest: Telling people to "snap out of it"

Little Known Fact: Climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and ran with the bulls.

Outlook: Would likely continue current status of the program. Seasons would begin on high notes and end with suicide notes. Hopefully that would represent a decline, but I don't know anymore.

Joe Paterno

Experience: Attained "tenure" as Head Coach of Penn State

Pros: Big name, iconic coach who has a proven track record of occasional success.

Cons: The shock of receiving the offer and the ferocity of the response will definitely kill him.

Interest: Calling recruits to inform them that he is still alive.

Little Known Fact: Died three years ago.

Outlook: Poor. Paterno is likely to have trouble noticing that Denard Robinson exists, considering the speed of his movement. On a positive note, he would (in this hypothetical situation) deny his request for transfer.

Kirk Herbstreit

Experience: Midwest connections, Predicting Les Miles to Michigan

Pros: Would finally have inside information on Michigan's next coach

Cons: Would probably still announce Miles to Michigan

Interest: Ohio State, eating Musburgers, secret Les Miles infatuation.

Little Known Fact: Aspires to have the hair of GERG

Outlook: Destined to become the Lou Holtz circa ESPN of Michigan. Will predict Michigan to win twenty national titles in sixteen years, or some shit.

Speaking of...

Greg Robinson

Experience: Great hair and hides a gut like a true professional.

Pros: A Michigan man of the coaching pedigree of Rodriguez

Cons: Likely costed Rodriguez a job and fueled the fire of this coaching change chaos

Interest: Collecting tears of distraught Michigan fans

Outlook: Robinson just can't be as bad as he was at Michigan. Was it the result of being underpaid? Was it the schematic conflict with Rich? He sure does look good though. Should make silver fox cubs with Anderson Cooper.

We have come to the winter of our discontent. We are headless as a program, in shambles by means of personnel, and facing a mass recruiting exodus the likes of which haven't been seen before, and looking a decade of straight losses to those-who-must-not-be-named to the south.

Alas, yet we are Michigan. We survived The Horror to defeat the defending National Champions and their golden boy Heisman trophy winner. We overcame a 19 point deficit at halftime to then-ranked number 9 Wisconsin to emerge victorious in the 500th game in the Big House. We retained the Brown Jug. We are Michigan, and we will rise once again. The only ones who can defeat us is ourselves. Perhaps a scene from one of the greatest movies of all time says it best:

"What, over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

-"Germans?" -"Forget it he's rolling"

"And it ain't over now!"
                  
'Cause when the going gets tough...
                  
(Patriotic instrumental music)
                     
the tough get going! Who's with me?
                      
Let's go! Come on!
                   
(Bluto screaming)
                    
(Tense instrumental music)
                     
What the fuck happened to the Michigan l used to know?
                    
Where's the spirit?
                     
Where's the guts?
                    
This could be the greatest night of our lives...
                 
but you're gonna let it be the worst.
                      
"We're afraid to go with you, DB. We might get in trouble."
                  
(Shouting) Just kiss my ass from now on.
                  
Not me! l won't take this! Tressel is a dead man!
                  
-Dantonio: dead! Paterno---Dead.
                 
DB's right.  Psychotic...but absolutely right.
                  
We got to take these bastards.
                  
We could fight them with conventional weapons.
                  
That could take years...cost millions of lives.
                  
In this case...
                  
I think we have to go all out.
                  
I think this situation absolutely requires...
                  
a really futile and stupid gesture...
                  
be done on somebody's part.
                  
We're just the guys to do it.
                  
Let's do it.
                  
Let's do it!
                  
(All shouting)
                  
Go! Go! Go!

We all need to run screaming out of that house, build our death machine behind whoever steps up to lead this really futile and stupid gesture, and take the fight back to the field. We are Michigan. HAIL

Damian Shepard, who apparently is a sports marketing guy (and a former Auburn mascot?) tweeted this:

http://twitter.com/damianshepard/status/24301655394615297

Over the past week, I have spoken with a bunch of friends - most avid college football nuts like myself.  One thing that has surprised me is that as a group, most view the Michigan job as far less desirable than I would have imagined.

Friend 1: Nebraska fan - "Why would PEline ever leave Neb. for M?  Equal prestige, Nebraska a farther along in the rebuild and we don't have an insane fan base that will throw him out after 2-3 years." 

Friend 2:  PSU Fan - "I don't see you guys getting any top coach, other than Miles.  Your program is a mess, and in recent years, you have no more prestige than any of the programs you would poach from.  The Michigan job is not such a hot job these days."

Friend 3:  Wisconsin Fan - still thinks that our job is a big deal and that we can attach, but "your disloyal fanbase is a problem - you have pretty much run two straight coaches out of town."  (not correct about Lloyd, but many outsiders do view his retirement as avoiding firing)

Friend 4: No team, CFB nut - "You guys are no different than ND - aside from 1 or 2 good seasons, you have been irrelevant since your split NC.  Why would a top coach come to M?  Gruden is not coming - he loves being on ESPN.  Miles is going to play you guys for even more SEC $$.  Harbaugh is going to bold for the NFL (a few days before it happened).  YOu will probably end up with that Hoke guy from San Diago."

The quotes are not exact, but are pretty damn close.  Depressing.

Also, the general opinion was that our AD is a job and has screwed this up as badly as possible. 

On a positive note, my ND friend is scared of us getting Miles because he thinks tat Miles can out-recruit anybody. 

http://sports.bodog.com/sports-betting/college-football-team-props.jsp

Hoke at 10/11

Miles at 5/4

Patterson 5/1

Gruden 10/1

others listed as well...gamblers?  GO get 'em!

For all of the UM fans who are writing off Les Miles because of the OTL story, you should at least take 5 minutes of your time to do your own homework. Below is a link to a thread on TigerDroppings. It discusses Miles' character. Put simply, his players love him and nearly everyone describes him as honest. They are split on his coaching abilities but not his character.

Also, I have spent much of the past week reading threads on their site. This general outline of Miles -- great guy but maybe just a mediocre game day coach -- runs through many threads.

http://www.tigerdroppings.com/rant/messagetopic.asp?p=23804053