Way OT: Sweet sweet justice

Submitted by 1464 on July 19th, 2010 at 11:33 PM

I'm pretty new here, and this topic is about as far off topic as possible, but I feel like I must share as I bask in the glow of gloriously sweet vindication...

I'll preface this story by saying that through my childhood, I was always on the borderline, treading the line between being the good kid and the hellion.  I've been TPing, I've set fireworks out in front of a house before, I've ding dong ditched.  But even as a stupid kid, I understood moderation.  For the most part, I was a respectful kid.

Fast forward 15 years.  I've got a six month old boy, a wife, dog, and nice quiet house in the suburbs - of Columbus.  Three months ago, my quiet little slice of Americana was violated by what I had assumed to be a preadolescent douchebag kid.  That's right, I was the innocent target of a rash of ding dong ditches.  Two or three times a week, multiple times a night.  Hardcore shit.  Karma you say?  No, I've shoveled enough shit since my dumb years that I've worked off that debt.

So tonight, I caught the little SOB.  I've thrown drunk idiots out of bars since I was 21, I've heard every word in the book come out of the mouth of some cockface who didn't agree with being cut off.  The utter feeling of justice that I felt after chasing this kid down felt better than all of them put together.

About 30 minutes ago, the doorbell rang for the second time of the night.  I've tried chasing the kid out the front before, nearly caught him twice.  Usually, I just let it happen and stay put.  Tonight, I decided to dash out the back door and hop the fence.  Sure enough, the little prick was running through the neighbors back yard.

So I bolt towards the fence, it's four foot tall.  I hurdle it in one stride - almost.  Okay, maybe not even almost.  I bit it over the fence.  I'm 30 pounds heavier than my juco playing weight.  I tore up my knee on the top of the fence, snapped a piece in half, and tumbled face first into the ground.  But I still know how to fall.  I tucked a shoulder and rolled out, unphased.  The kid flew out the neighbors gate and into the front yard.  I gained on him with every stride, each twice the size of his gimpy little child legs.

He still had a solid lead on me when I turned the corner, barefoot sprinting through the front yards of my neighbors.  Denard F'ing Robinson couldn't have outrun me, with pure rage coursing through my veins.  I think that it's the closest I will ever feel to a lion chasing his prey.  Prey that just pissed on his territory.

He had no chance.  None.  He turned the corner into his yard with me mere feet behind, leading me to a trampoline with about 5 other 12-14 year olds.  He hopped up there.  They looked at me like a crazy man, they were probably only half wrong.  I'll spare the details of the confrontation, but these kids learned new words to bring back to 9th grade next year.  They were among the same I had learned from the drunk guys being cut off at my bar.

In synopsis, I called the cops for the first time ever.  The officer was cool about it, I just let him know that I had an infant that woke up each time, and even though I used to do stupid stuff as a kid, I wanted these kids to shit themselves.  I also told him I'd buy him a beer next time he came in to the bar off duty.  He went back there, stirred up shit, and called it a night.  I came back here feeling like Sherlock Holmes mixed with Frank Mir.  And then I realized that while they would celebrate by clubbing down their enemies with midget strippers, I was back here posting on a blog.  I guess the family life has calmed me down.

PS - the only thing I think that started this is I've been putting a patio in my yard, each day decked out in Michigan gear.  Little prick bastard Buckeye.


OMG Shirtless

July 19th, 2010 at 11:39 PM ^

It will be really funny when one of them puts a brick through your front window next weekend.  Their new goal will be to get the old crazy guy to chase them again.  You probably just made matters ten times worse for yourself.


July 20th, 2010 at 12:50 AM ^

Yeah... now that I've calmed down, I think the consensus is right here.  I'm getting TP'd, egged, or car keyed soon.  None of you can understand how much it pisses you off to have a six month old wake up multiple times without being able to put them back to sleep. 

Trust me, when you catch the little shit that is doing that, you want to ring their neck...


July 20th, 2010 at 12:08 AM ^

Way to go.  That 14 year-old stood no chance against you.

Are you serious here?  It's just some dumb kid fucking around.  Leave him alone.


July 20th, 2010 at 8:38 PM ^

The difference is that you're a grown man, while this is a 14 year-old kid.

No, I'm not saying that the kid doesn't deserve the tar kicked out of him.  The problem is that short of an assault charge, the OP can't do that -- not in this day and age.

A grown adult has responsibilities and can't reasonably be expected to keep up this kind of ding-dong-ditch nonsense.  A 14 year-old kid has virtually unlimited free time (especially this time of year) and a ton of friends with virtually unlimited free time (and presumably, in Columbus, a family that thinks someone flying a Michigan flag is deserving of being pranked).  Do you really think that these kids are going to view the OP's fit of hysteria like Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino?  Of course not.  They're going to start fucking with the OP even more now that they've seen it's easy to push the OP's buttons.

Negbang all you want -- you guys all missed the point.  Valiant story, but prepare for shit to just get worse and worse now.


July 20th, 2010 at 12:11 AM ^

Evokes memories of Shawn Crable chasing down Javon Ringer a few years ago (couldn't find a video clip of the tackle).

Normally I'd laugh at you... but since you have a baby I feel bad for you and am happy you chased that bastard down.

Hard Gay

July 20th, 2010 at 12:16 AM ^

I'm glad you taught that little shit a lesson.

I remember doing stupid stuff like that when I was a preteen.  Really wish someone would have kicked my ass back then.  


July 20th, 2010 at 12:18 AM ^

"Leave him alone"? Are you joking? The man has a baby trying to sleep. And if they are doing it multiple times a night...then it's time a lesson be learned. The dumbass kid should have never have gone back for a second time. And yes, while it's only ding-dong ditching and something most of us have probably done...sometimes it does a kid good to get caught.

Probably not doing yourself any favors flying Michigan gear in suburban Columbus though. (what suburb may I ask?)


July 20th, 2010 at 12:35 AM ^

I would have done the same thing. If you have never had a baby in the house, you cannot possibly understand how much a late night doorbell, that makes the dog bark, which scares the baby, and wakes you up (again), can send a person right over the edge. I also scream at speeders and loud music while I water my lawn. Shit, when did I turn into my grandpa? Titty bar anyone?

Sac Fly

July 20th, 2010 at 12:56 AM ^

... I definitely just thought about how this would be a perfect fit for one of those vin deisel movies where he's the navy seal who has to babysit those kids. 


July 20th, 2010 at 1:06 AM ^

"He still had a solid lead on me when I turned the corner, barefoot sprinting through the front yards of my neighbors.  Denard F'ing Robinson couldn't have outrun me, with pure rage coursing through my veins.  I think that it's the closest I will ever feel to a lion chasing his prey.  Prey that just pissed on his territory."

That's some funny shit.


July 20th, 2010 at 7:45 AM ^

Ding Dong Ditch? You mean a ring and run? Seriously, when you say "ding dong ditch" I envision somebody digging up a trench in your yard that looks like a penis.

Secondly, chasing them was stupid. Get them back an intelligent way. Put a thumb tack on the doorbell. Throw a bucket of ice water on them from the second story as they approach. Or, there's my personal favorite: Get a doorbell with a recordable ring, and rig it to a loudspeaker in the yard. Then, the next time they try it, instead of "ring" they get "Hey Everybody, look at the moron trying to prank me!"

Seriously, chasing them? So lame.


July 20th, 2010 at 7:48 AM ^

I was expecting something worse to happen to this kid than getting yelled at by you and a cop.  We're talking about a hardened ding dong ditcer.  He hits the same target over and over again, multiple times a night.  He's likely a big enough punk that this isn't gonna phase him.  I think you gotta hit him where it hurts.  Fight fire with fire.  I'm talking about ding dong ditching his house.  If the kid doesn't get the message the parents sure will.  And if they are OSU fans time it so that you are doing it during one of their games (but not while UM is playing at the same time).

Elno Lewis

July 20th, 2010 at 8:33 AM ^

I wonder if those kids will return some day with eggs in hand.  You'll wish they were still rining doorbells if they do.  Or maybe you'll get real lucky and one of those kids has a pyscho parent with firearms at their disposal.


(You do know that kids ring doorbells just to get a reaction out of adults, don't you?  I mean, they don't rind the doorbells when no one is home.)


But, thanks for entertaining us with your heroic exploits, dude.