Sacramento Bee: How to Operate Your Harbaugh

Submitted by bballislife22 on December 30th, 2014 at 6:56 PM

This article from Matt Barrows at the Sacramento Bee just got retweeted across my timeline by Schefter. Instructions on how to operate our new Harbaugh, especially for reporters.

I have a feeling we're in for a fun (insert wishful number) years, both on the field and off. 



December 30th, 2014 at 7:08 PM ^


You are guaranteed to have many memorable moments with your Harbaugh, but it is important to note that it is not designed for use beyond four years.


Love how smoothly the NFL writers' narrative has changed from "Harbaugh would never leave the NFL" to "Harbaugh would never leave the NFL... for more than a few years."

Kinda Blue

December 30th, 2014 at 7:23 PM ^

In the context of this article, it's a fair comment. He moved from USD, to Stanford, to SF, to Umich without staying put too long. I read this less as a comment that JH really wants to be in the NFL and more as a suggestion that JH has been a bit of a nomad as a coach. I hope he stays a long time, but this comment by the Bee was a reasonable one--not another feeding of the NFL centric trolls.


December 30th, 2014 at 10:00 PM ^

...I'm on board with it.

It means he's winning so easily that there's no challenge left--undefeated seasons and national championships are piling up and he needs to go find something new to test himself.

If that day ever comes I'm sure he'll leave the ship in capable hands. And it would have been a hell of a run to get to that point.


December 30th, 2014 at 8:01 PM ^

There's really no proof he's been a nomad of a coach... look at the resumes of most big time coaches before they become a coordinator or HC. 1 or two year stops typically.

JH spent only a few years at Stanford before going to the 49ers; but who is to say that was because he was a nomad or a good opportunity in the NFL opened up -- timing is everything!

It's too early to buy into the he's here for a short time; like a Red Wings playoff rental in the '90s or something. Especially since he took $5MM/7 rather than $8MM/6.


December 30th, 2014 at 11:18 PM ^

Harbaugh also hasn't been coaching very long. He just finished his thirteenth year and getting to the NFL in nine years means you're rocketing up the ranks (are there any other NFL head coaches that got the job with nine years experience?).

I have no idea if he'll leave quickly or not, but Michigan gives him the opportunity to stay in an elite situation which he's never had before. Beilein was a nomad turned M lifer, and Michigan is even more prestigious for a football coach.

OMG Shirtless

December 30th, 2014 at 7:12 PM ^


▪ Your Harbaugh will guard his practices like North Korea guards its missile program. He will tell you he’s concerned you will inadvertently leak information that will fall into enemy hands. He will say this with a straight face and will tell you that he mines other teams’ media reports for that type of information. There will be no evidence, however, that he does this or that it has been helpful. You will conclude he is being overly paranoid. This is normal.




December 30th, 2014 at 7:14 PM ^

Your Harbaugh does not function like other head coaches. An innocuous query about the weather, for instance, could trigger a florid quote from Admiral William Halsey. And yet a routine question about a running back’s knee injury may cause your Harbaugh to wince, pause and grimace as if a malodorous scent has wafted into the room.

This is quite alright, of course. I think we knew we were getting a coach that does not function like other coaches, but in a good way. I dare say that's what we wanted and it is something we need to kick new life into the program. 


December 30th, 2014 at 7:18 PM ^

We're very familiar with the Harbaugh O/S. It is based on Bo 2.0 which is itself a fork of Woody 1.0. Command syntax is a little unusual compared to other Coach languages, but we're confident we'll make it work just fine, thanks.


December 30th, 2014 at 8:47 PM ^

Dear SacBee,

As the manufacturer, we have issued a recall for your Harbaugh. We apologize for any inconvenience your Harbaugh has caused you. We engineered the Harbaugh to be a high performance football machine, but due to the difficulty of making a coach unknown to mankind we have inadvertently created a personality incompatible with the NFL. We realize now that the Harbaugh is not meant for NFL consumption, and fully plan on retiring the Harbaugh from football use. As the Harbaugh cannot be destroyed, we have elected to let it run out its competitive drive in the only place truly suitable for the Harbaugh. In the future, we hope you find one of our Former Harbaugh Assistant models more suitable to your needs.


The Victors Valiant Manufacturing Corporation


December 30th, 2014 at 7:29 PM ^

"There are still a few bugs in the answer-response system. For instance, you may sense – due to a long pause – that your Harbaugh has completed an answer. You will begin to ask another question. You could be two sentences into your question when your Harbaugh suddenly continues his answer to the previous question. You will feel stupid. Do not be alarmed. This is normal."

He did that a few times today


December 30th, 2014 at 8:20 PM ^

Appreciate the instructions, but I think it is great how he handles the press have been watching it for years it couldn't be better.

I am certain that Michigan can adjust to Harbaugh exactly how he is without feeling the need to have the Social Media Run him out of Michigan.

Very Happy with our Harbaugh! Class Act Today even with laryngitis.

Whos got it better than us? Nooo body!


December 30th, 2014 at 8:53 PM ^

The Harbaugh we bought has had the job search function disabled. It will run its course until retirement at which time the stadium it coached in will be renamed The Big Harbowl.

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