OT: Your favorite Dad Jokes
Q. How do you catch a tame iguana?
A: The tame way.
Shawn Kemp.
what do you call a dog with no legs?
it doesn't matter, he won't come anyway
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him for a drag.
what did one frog say to the other, as they were sitting on a lilipad?
"time's fun when you're having flies"
An atom walks into a bar and says, "I lost an electron." Bartender asks, "Are you sure?" Atom says, "I'm positive."
Why did Norway put barcodes on their ships? They wanted to scandanavian.
Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin says, "My it's getting hot in here." The second muffin says, "Oh MY GOSH, it's a talking muffin."
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elifino
i am enjoying this thread. but man, does it show how deep we’re having to dig to pass the offseason time.
What do you call bread that won't wake up? Comatoast
A vulture boards an airplane with 3 dead raccoons. The flight attendant stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, there's only 2 carrion per passenger."
This one is especially for Hotel Putingrad:
My Dad used to say, when we were disappointed about a refused request:
"You know what they say in Russia" (pronounced like raa-sha) - "Toughee Shitskee!!"
A guy walks into a bar carrying a car battery and some jumper cables and says to the bartender “Give me a shot and a beer.” The bartender says “Alright, but I don’t want you starting anything.”
How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints
Why couldn't Mr. Bunny Rabbit get Mrs. Bunny Rabbit pregnant?
He had cotton balls.
Who do you call when you break your toe?
A toe-truck
Every time one of my kids stubs their toe I asked them if I should call a tow truck. They can't stand it when I say that whilst they are in agony
Maybe offer to call the wah-mbulance
I've always wanted to work as an inspector in a mirror factory. That's a job I could really see myself doing.
"Dad, I'm hungry."
"Hi, Hungry, I'm Dad."
Did you hear about the two peanuts that were walking down the street?
Unfortunately, one was assaulted.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Why do they put fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Hey son, hand me that henway?
What's a henway dad?
About 4 lbs.
(Henway can be exchanged with hammerfore and the resulting andwer becomes "Pounding nails!"
I prefer "buttfor".
"For pooping, of course."
Dickfor has multiple answers
What's an andwer?
Why do they put fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Hey son, hand me that henway?
What's a henway dad?
About 4 lbs.
(Henway can be exchanged with hammerfore and the resulting andwer becomes "Pounding nails!"
Me (whenever I drive by a cemetery): "I certainly don't want to be buried in that cemetery!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm not dead."
1) You know how geese fly south for the winter? You know how they fly in that V? You know how sometimes that V is longer on one side than the other? You know why that is? There are more geese on that side.
2) Why can't Hellen Keller have children? She's dead.
3) What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today? Scratching at the inside of his coffin.
Person 1: Hey did you see that updog last night?
Person 2: What's updog?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Also, when you say it enough that the kids know it is coming and it annoys them
To someone named Charles: "What's up Chuck?"
Interrupt while they answer "It's puke!"
I did this to a guy daily, sometimes hourly, at a job the summer before college. Probably deserved a beat down by aforementioned Charles.
My son’s favorite:
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
It was his duty.
"What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?"
"Time to get a new fence!"
______
"What time is your dentist appointment?"
"Tooth-hurty"
Dad: Do you know anyone who can jump higher than a house?
Kid: no one i know can jump higher than a house.
Dad: Everyone you know can jump higher than a house. Houses don't jump.
In my family, Dad jokes (aka Bad jokes) are an art form, especially if you tell one in a place where laughter isn't encouraged (church, funeral home, classroom, etc.)
My late uncle had a joke for everything. Once in church he whispered to my 8-year-old sister, "Confucius say, 'He who farts in church sits alone in his own pew.'" Mom couldn't figure out why her youngest daughter was giggling so hard.
My sister is now a 44-year-old mother of three, and she still giggles like an 8-year-old if I even say "Confucius say ..."
Why do elves wash their clothes in Tide? Because it's too cold out Tide.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupt....MOOO!
Is there a hole in you shoe?
No? How'd you get your foot get in?
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What's the difference between and hippo and a zippo?
One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
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Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Have you ever smelled moth balls?-How'd you get their legs apart?
The two guys were singing by the fish market for the halibut.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested? Charged with battery!
What do you call a tooth in a small glass of water? A 1 molar solution
The dentist of the year was awarded a little plaque.
How can you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? She has to chew before she swallows.
(last one may not be exactly a dad joke)
This is one that I wouldn't tell my young daughter:
Did you ever blow balloons when you were a kid? (answer is always yes) - well he's back in town and looking for you.
Pull my finger.
My dad would always say this to us as kids when he rolled up to a railroad crossing:
Dad, with a concentrating stare down each way of the tracks prior to crossing, would say, "A train just went by."
Us idiots: How do you know?
Dad: Because there's its tracks!
Until the day he died, my dad’s comeback line was always “Columbus took a chance. He’s dead”. To this day no one in the family ever understood what he was talking about.
Have you ever had beaver curry?
It's like regular curry, but a bit otter.
My 4yr old: "Dad, baby sea turtles have to swim as fast as they can so they don't get eaten by creditors!"
Me: "You mean, like loan sharks?"
4yr old: "Yeah!"
Why do the Scottish put 239 beans in their chili?
If not, it would be too farty
Had to upvote this, because it reminded me of a great story by Steve Rushin, who used to write for SI. He told of playing golf in Ireland, and hearing the caddy say, "Yer too farty."
Rushin said: "This means you're either 240 yards from the flag, or you're excessively flatulent. Unless you're my brother Bob, in which case you're both."
Antonio Cromartie
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Parrots Eat 'Em All
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What do you call a smiling roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator?
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What do you call a Spanish woman with no legs?
Consuelo