OT - Wacky Coworker Stories Thread

This thread is gold

Have had more than one co-workers that insisted on getting completely naked when dropping a deuce.  Whether at work or home.  Didn't make a goddamned bit of difference.

I've had too many crazy coworkers to list here.  

One of my favorites, however, was "Sarah" -- who later changed her name to "Elwin."  She was a big, heavy lady who loved dressing up and role-playing at renaissance fairs.  

I used to work at a facility that had a big warehouse that provided spare parts to our company worldwide.  I once heard her complaining to the warehouse manager that a galvanized bucket she had brought home from the warehouse leaked -- and it had leaked all over her apartment floor.  The manager told her the bucket was not really intended to hold liquids (it was for rags).

Manager: "What did you put in the bucket? Water?"
Elwin:  "No, molasses."
Manager:  "Why did you put molasses in the bucket?"
Elwin:  "Well, that seemed like the easiest way to feed my pet baby goat."
Manager:  "You have a pet goat in your yard?"
Elwin:  "No, it lives with me in my apartment."
Manager (now clearly regretting this conversation):  "Are you going to put it in the yard when it gets bigger?"
Elwin:  "No.  I don't even have a yard."
Manager:  "What are you going to do with it when it's too big for the apartment?"
Elwin:  "Oh, I'll just slaughter it and eat it."

(Note:  This was in Hartford, CT)

That started taking trips with his mistress-both married and she worked for him. And the trips were expensed to the company. Now it's true that he did travel internationally for business but there was no reason for him to be at Lake Como on business. Apparently he and his mistress went to a work conference together with spouses. I wasn't there but a colleague of mine went and said it was the most awkward dinner of his life sitting there with the cheating couple and their spouses who were totally oblivious to the affair. However he was caught and fired. Went to a competitor. About 2 years later we acquired his firm. He was fired a second time.

Boss from Hell from Brad Starks on Vimeo.

I have a crazy co-worker who doesn't appreciate my racist jokes and reported me to HR just because I took a shit on his desk. No sense of humor. What a weirdo. 

I'm sure everybody has come across a wacky cat lady (or guy,) at work. My cat lady friend just takes her cat-love to the extreme. One time she showed me a miniature hat that she made out of cat felt. Seriously, you comb your cat to harvest the fur and then you mat it together and add some stuff and it becomes felt. She had a whole book on the subject, and I know this because she loaned me the book.

We text back and forth and she will randomly just text the cat emoji. Sometimes she meows in our text-message conversations. For awhile I thought this was some wacky form of her trying to flirt with me, but I found out she does this with everyone. One time she wrote, "nyau." I'm like, "what is that?" Oh, she said, that's how Japanese cats meow.

She has recently taken up painting, and you guessed it, the subject of every single painting is a cat.

We have this old guy named Ron who has worked here for like over 50 years.  He is 76 and will not retire.  He can barely make it from his car to the office (I feel like he is going to fall one of these times), but he hates his wife so much that he refuses to retire.

 He told me that he usually pulls into the parking lot around 4:30 in the morning and will just doze off in his car for a while until he starts to see others show up.  He can usually be found drinking his coffee in the break room while everyone else is coming in.  He told me he would be making more money if he was retired, but he cannot stand being at home with his wife.  

I feel bad for him, because I am really afraid one of these days I am going to show up and he is going to fall and break a hip or something even more serious.

 

We had a guy in our office for a few years who, like clockwork, would absolutely destroy the Men's Room on our floor at about 3pm.  Our CFO once used the term "Knee Buckler" to describe how it would hit you if you ever went in after him.

It started to become an inside joke and if anyone saw him enter the Men's Room around that time, word would quickly spread around.  And thing was, EVERYBODY knew it was him -- he had played OL in D-III college football and probably went 375-400 and had a horrible diet.

So one day, the poor admin who sat at the cube nearest the Men't Room noticed this guy standing in the supply closet across the hall from the bathroom.  Turns out, he'd wait in the supply room until he figured the Men's Room was empty and then shoot into the far stall to bomb the place. 

So, last summer he moves to Minnesota and one of the women on our team was cleaning out his desk.  The guy had somewhere in the range of 20 rulers and dozens and dozens of Post It pads and boxes of binder clips.  Boxes and boxes of pens and a bunch of highlighters - like 50, of all colors.

Dude had been hoarding office supplies that presumably he'd been taking in with him ...the young gal went into the kitchen area, took some dish gloves and tossed all the office supplies and Clorox wiped his desk from top to bottom.  lol

I was an advertising copywriter for 15 years and then became a pastry chef and worked in kitchens for three years. Both professions strongly encourage individuality and hyper creativity, which inevitably leads to a lot of strange behavior. I don't even know where to begin. Do I tell you about the little Mexican baker who used to follow me into the cooler at 5:30 in the morning and tell me he loved me (And this wasn't a person I ever spoke to before this incident) which made me carry around a pair of scissors all day long just in case he was a psycho? Do I tell you about the cook who looked like a black Mr. Clean and used to finish every shift with 100 push ups that he would do in the middle of the kitchen while grunting loudly? Should I mention the two art directors having sex in the office next to mine during office hours (the walls were very thin)? Or the art director who ate and wore the exact same thing every day (chicken breast, white rice, and peas; bike shorts, a white t-shirt and a neckerchief)? How about my first boss in advertising who sat across from me at a small round table and scratched his balls while I was presenting work to him (And I don't mean a camouflaged scratch that most men learn how to do by the time they're 18; I mean an all out, unabashed massaging of his nuts)? 

 

It's a tough call. 

 

 

One older guy bought $80 worth of lottery tickets every week. He would also borrow a 20 to get a pack of Winstons, a Mtn Dew and 6 Powerball tickets. He would give you back the 73 cents change and the 20 the next payday. He had 2 teeth. When I started with the company he had 5. He pulled one out with his pliers while having a smoke outside.

Sort of a sad story ...

 

We had a quirky HR rep who moved here to be our onsite recruiter.  Turned out she'd been born in KZoo and her Dad was a UM Alum (she saw my mini helmet on the credenza one day).  Typically she'd sit in her office with the door closed and only leave for occassional smoke breaks.

Well one morning, while she's in her bathroom at home and her husband out walking their dog, some guy enters her apartment while she's curling her hair.  She sees him in the mirror before he notices her in there and she jumps him and beats the crap out of him with her curling iron until he finally escapes and runs out.

Her husband comes home completely unaware of what's just (unbelievably) happened.

In the weeks that follow the trauma, she divorces her husband - an attorney - for failing to protect her (among other things) and enters some form of counseling.  She cuts off her hair and dyes it darker and started living in her office - sleeping on a small sofa and showering at the gym in the building.  Apparently some executive came in over the weekend and caught her having sex in the office, on someones' desk near hers...

She literally flipped out.  She stopped making eye contact with people and had apparently been stealing office supplies and selling on line.

So not a happy story and I hope she's okay now, but she did get terminated for having sex like that and nobody's really heard anything about her since.

To my wacky (and anonymous) co worker who took a shit on the floor of the bathroom.

I work or an urgent care chain and have been with the company from almost the beginning. Here are a few:

1. The 65 year old pysician assistant that keeps one pinky nail real long "for calligraphy".

2. My current office assistant that explains how to pronounce "orange" in two ways so that you can differentiate the fruit from the color.

3. An RN that I worked with would ask people how much money it would require for us to do something really gross. For example, how much money would it take for you to lick the urinalysis tray? How much money would it cost for you to lick that old lady's... You get the idea. His money amounts were always way less than ours.  He got fired for doing a breathalizer on himself and failing.

4. The doc that did a gyno exam with a headlamp on while the power was out and tucked his scrub-top into his underwear on more than one occasion. He was never seen in anything besides a scrub-top even on vacation.

edit:

5. Just remembered the one office assistant that would put on dog movies for her dogs to watch.  As in, she would dress up her dogs, put on Air Bud and then leave the room.

I know there are more, but it's time for me to leave work.

sex in the office, check

sleeping at work, check

taking a dump without his shirt on, check

Does anybody know a co-worker who slipped their boss a Mickey? Tried to score points by telling a colleague the Jerk Store called and they ran out of you? Called in a bomb threat to get the boss's kids out of their office because they were sleeping under the desk? Eats snickers bars with a knife and fork?

I once worked this sales job....just me and another guy selling computers from a dinky garage. It was the worst experience of my life. This guy was relentless and everytime he made a sale he'd ring this little bell on his desk and announce it to the boss - so humiliating. I couldn't make even one sale and this jerk was ringing the bell all the time and all so he could win a stupid waterpik.....guy was a total nutjob. 

there was a server who got mad at anyone working who blew their nose. Like full on disgusted look and would say something about it every time.