OT - Wacky Coworker Stories Thread

Submitted by uferfan on

Greetings All,

I'm not a thread creator by trade, but I figured I'd try my hand at it during the most dangerous time of the year....off season.

I had a coworker who I  worked with for a few years that was incredibly annoying. For over a year, he walked around the office with a soccer yellow card and red card in his pocket, and if he felt you had done something that he deemed out of line, he would walk up to you and flash one of the cards in front of you. He even created a leaderboard at his desk.  It was kind of amusing when it started, but it's got old fast. It went on for about 18 months.

He would make up songs using people's names in the office almost daily. He'd also sprinkle the pepper shaker on his tongue at lunch at eat it straight. Then one day, he just didn't show up for work again. No one knows why to this day.

I figured that I couldn't be the only one with that one person in the office who was a little strange, possibly insane, or that may even be making you go insane; so please feel free to share your wacky coworker story here. Apologies in advance if I have wasted your time. That's one thing I am very good at.

MaizeAndBlueWahoo

April 20th, 2017 at 4:11 PM ^

Our company rotates us a lot.  A couple years ago I took over for a pretty strange guy.  The spoiler here is that as soon as I was officially in the job and he was officially rotated, they let him go for a complete lack of job performance.

This guy would usually roll in around 9:30 or 10:00 and leave for the day around 3.  He had a makeshift stand up desk made of cardboard boxes, wore gloves at all times, and never sat down.  Ever.  In meetings he would be standing.  He would also disappear for 15 or 20 minutes at a time every hour and a half or so - my new coworkers told me they called it "patrolling the hallways."  He drank bottled water, never tap, and poured it into a filtered water bottle.  After he'd gone, I had to clean out and organize the desk (he was an atrocious record keeper) and I found piles and piles of his to-do lists.  Every day he'd find a piece of scrap paper and write down his list of to-dos, but these almost exclusively consisted of the same exact mundane stuff every day.  It wasn't things like "pull requested report for so-and-so," more like "check email" or "do daily approvals."  He also had daily water checklists, where he would write down the time of day by which he intended to finish a water bottle and get a new one.  This had to be done four or five times a day.  These were far more meticulously kept up with than the work to-do lists, by the way.

Our job turnover, in his eyes, lasted a couple days (it's supposed to be a month) and consisted of how to do the daily approvals and a few other things.  After that, he told me "well, I think you basically have everything" and I had to ask him "what about the financial forecasts you guys do?"  "Oh, those.  I guess we can look at those on Monday."  I'd already watched him make a sign error (reversing positive and negative, that is) on a journal entry to record company expenses, reverse that, and then make the same sign error on the entry that was supposed to correct the mistake.  The day I officially took over, our manager informed us in a meeting "Joe (not his name) doesn't work here anymore" and nobody batted an eye.

I Bleed Maize N Blue

April 20th, 2017 at 4:19 PM ^

I worked with a woman who said she had a class with Tom Brady back when she was in school. She also waited tables at Cottage Inn. One night she sees him there, goes over to say hello, and asks him, "What are you doing here with the football team?" LOL.

bronxblue

April 20th, 2017 at 4:24 PM ^

I've got some stories because tech is stacked with weird guys and gals, but the worst was a senior dev who did the following:

  1. Used to do his diabetes blood checks at his desk that he shared with others
  2. Would stand up during a meeting, grab his phone, and talk LOUDLY into it as he left the room, usually opening with "No, YOU'RE bad with money!"
  3. Would microwave hotdogs and cheese onto plates and eat them.
  4. Farted uncontrollably and would spray FeBreeze into the air after each one.
  5. Once wrapped a plastic bag around a triple-socked foot and took the NYC subway to work instead of, you know, wearing a boot.  This was during the time he was recovering from stepping on a piece of glass and slicing the same foot open.
  6. Went a solid week where all he would do was read LOTR fan fiction at his desk despite obstensibly being a project lead.
  7. Breaking a chair's wheel and then trying to scoot around on said broken chair for half a day before figuring out why his chair slanted so wildly.
  8. TWICE finding a way to nerf the master branch of our git repository in such a way that we had to recover from storage, as we had (erroneously) given him the ability to delete and write over branches. 

There are probably other examples, but these just pop to mind.

bronxblue

April 23rd, 2017 at 6:10 PM ^

This is a late response, but he'd leave the remnants of his checks on the table for a couple of hours. So there would be these little blood swatches on his desk. And he could have easily gone to a bathroom or somewhere else. And yes, this wasn't the weirdest thing he did, but it was still up there because it continued his complete unwillingness to think of others.

Hail-Storm

April 20th, 2017 at 4:55 PM ^

in college. And I should really write a book about all the characters. 

One story (My brother relayed this to me as I was on a different move earlier in the day).When I got there ther was a pair of old tighty whiteys down in the basement,  It turns out that earlier, one of the coworkers threw the pair at another cowroker. Your common HAHA dumb young 20s thing to do to another coworker in this type of environment.  The other coworker then starts to whip the underwear at the first gut and getting him in the eye.  This gets guy number one all pissed and grabs the underwear with two hands and tries to smother/ rub the underwear on guy number 2s face. I don't know how it ended.

We were considered professional movers who were part of one of the largest moving chains. But when you get guys who are moving to make money, you aren't always getting the highest grade guy.

StephenRKass

April 20th, 2017 at 4:58 PM ^

Being in a church, we don't have many terribly wacky co-workers. Thankfully.

However, we always have wanted to have a diverse workforce, and so several staff were somewhat different. A long time ago, we had a childcare assistant who wore the following sweatshirt to work:

"I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, get drunk, fall down, NO PROBLEM!"

The Daycare Director didn't know what to do. I ended up needing to tell this assistant that she needed to wear the sweatshirt inside out for the rest of the day. She became very angry, took umbrage, left work immediately, claimed religious and racial discrimination, and filed a case with the EEOC. They pressed us to go to arbitration, but the reality was that we never did anything wrong! The case was eventually dismissed as being meritless, but that wasn't a fun time.

Michiganfootball13

April 20th, 2017 at 4:58 PM ^

HAD a female colleague who was 26 at the time and coaching the boys basketball team. She would always brag about her perfect ACT score in HS, even though it got her no further than my 25. She was beloved by the admin and parents and was being groomed to be the assistant principal until two weeks before the school year ended she was just gone. Found out a few days later she was banging a senior boy and was fired (kid was 18 and the parents loved her so much that they didn't press charges). Crazy thing is she is engaged to the kid...wonder what they will tell their kids on how they met!?

Wendyk5

April 20th, 2017 at 5:01 PM ^

Here's another one that happened at my agency. We had a large beer account, and it was almost exclusively a male account. A few women here and there (I count myself as one) but beer guys, especially from the brewery, are just this side of sexist and/or misogynistic and most women just aren't into putting up with that kind of stuff.

 

No one noticed when one of the male writers in the group grew his hair out longer than usual and let his nails grow. But then one Monday morning, he showed up as a she. "Bill" was now "Belinda." Most people in advertising are socially tolerant, at least on the outside. You encounter so many different kinds of people in the ad world, you have to be. So Belinda shows up wearing a dress, makeup and high heels. She didn't tell anyone that she was transitioning, not even her partner. In advertising, your partner is the person you spend all day, every day with. You travel with that person, and know them really well (as you would anyone who is with you all the time). So.....now the agency has to deal with this. They have to tell the mostly male group that Bill is now Belinda. They have to tell the brewery that one of their male writers is going to show up in drag to the meetings. No prep for this. Just, here's Belinda. She's your new/old writer. Maybe she'll have insight into the LGBTQ market?

 

In time, Belinda was taken off the beer account; the brewery couldn't handle the transition. Belinda sued, and then became an advocate for LGBTQ rights. And she fully transitioned. 

lbpeley

April 20th, 2017 at 5:38 PM ^

Hired a young lady named "Patty". She was very open about being a lesbian. This was just fine with me but I was a bit concerned on the HR side as we are in construction and construction dudes are what they are.

She was a great worker and everyone got along fine. Then she started the transition to becoming a man. Again, that was fine with me but even though it's socially popular to heap praise and platitudes the fact is the vast majority of people do not personally know someone who goes through that. It was quite eye opening amd again quite nerve wracking always worrying about the wrong thing being said.
"Patrick" was great with it and eventually made the transition. He eventually left to get a job closer to home with more set hours and always in the same place. Was quite a neat (I guess?) experience watching our mid size company deal with that first hand without a single complaint about any assbaggery or harrassment from Patty/Patrick.

StephenRKass

April 20th, 2017 at 6:08 PM ^

We just had to deal with reverse sexism. That is to say, sexual discrimination against a male. We had identified a student graduating with an Early Childhood Education degree, and wanted him to be a 4 and 5 year old teacher. Great, great guy. Studies have shown that male influence in schools at a young age is rare, but is a huge plus.

We were all set to move forward, and then lo and behold, we started getting slammed by moms of kids in the Daycare. They made it very clear that they would pull their kids (especially Toddlers and two year olds) if a male teacher was changing their kid's diaper. Mind you, this were not church moms. These were just normal, average moms from the community. Simply because a teacher was a male, they couldn't deal with it. As a private school, with only about 75 kids total, we couldn't risk hemorrhaging children. So we had to go in a different direction.

I'm still really annoyed at this, but there wasn't a whole lot you could do. Can't sue families for pulling their children. I personally was blindsided, but apparently, women really understand this. I'm kind of amazed that no matter how open minded and liberal and progressive someone is, if they're a woman with a two year old, they don't want a man changing their kid. Of course, this is a small sample size. Maybe in a place like Ann Arbor, it would be absolutely no problem.

Wendyk5

April 20th, 2017 at 7:13 PM ^

I hate to say it, but I get this. I wouldn't pull my kid, but it would cross my mind and probably bother me a little. The reality is, the vast majority of sex crimes are committed by men. And even though the majority of men don't commit sex crimes, I think when it comes to their kids, moms are as protective as lions.  

Wendyk5

April 21st, 2017 at 8:25 AM ^

It's unfortunate that that even crosses one's mind when sending a child to school (or going to a doctor or dentist or other adult authority figure). But if I'm perceived as being politically incorrect on this topic -- or even downright incorrect -- then so be it. I want to believe that all people are good and kind and wouldn't hurt a child, but I know that's just not the case. 

MaizeAndBlueWahoo

April 21st, 2017 at 8:42 AM ^

I can absolutely understand that the bottom line truth is this: a daycare kid is more likely to be molested by a male worker than a female one.

But having acknowledged that, doesn't that take away your right to be offended by other stereotypes?  I don't think it can go both ways.  Either we acknowledge that some supposedly racist and sexist stereotypes are backed up by solid data, and we stop being offended by them, or we decide to ignore the data in favor of not being unfairly discriminatory toward certain groups.  But how can anyone just say, I am against sexism and racism in all forms, but only when it's not me doing it?

Wendyk5

April 21st, 2017 at 10:52 AM ^

I had three male teachers in grade school  - 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades -- and all were gay. I didn't know it back then, but now I do. Can you imagine how that would go over now, especially because they might be open about it? They were all great teachers, especially my 5th grade teacher, without whom I wouldn't have become a writer. I loved my 3rd grade teacher so much, I made my parents have him over for dinner. 

StephenRKass

April 21st, 2017 at 8:23 AM ^

Wendyk5, I get what you're saying. Just a few thoughts and questions, though.

  • I understand the statistics. But is it correct to use statistics to de facto bar someone from a position? That is to say, if 90% of a given population does something, is it fair or right to assume 100% of that population is suspect? Isn't this the kind of thing women fight against all the time? (pop culture reference:  the kind of thing dealt with in "Hidden Figures.")
  • Help me to understand the fear, given total background checks, etc. From my perspective, moms in this case aren't being rational. Simply by virtue of being male, a teacher is by definition suspect. That seems like classic discrimination to me.
  • How can women, who claim to be against sexism and for giving opportunities for careers, etc., consistently hold that position if they choose to be sexist in another area?

Regardless, like I said, we couldn't fight it. We could have all the best reasons in the world, but it wouldn't matter if it killed the Daycare. Having a single male teacher on a staff of a dozen was one too many. So all the Daycare staff are women, and thus it ever shall be.

 

jabberwock

April 21st, 2017 at 8:47 AM ^

EVERY time i pick up my kids from Kindergarten i get "carded" (which is policy, but 90% ignored if you're female).  

Doesn't matter that my 2 kids yelly "Daddy" and run across the gym and leap into my arms.

My wife who picks up 20% of the time has zero problems.

I've found the secret however, is if my 12 yr old daughter is with me I never get carded picking up my 5 yr olds.

I get the stats, and honestly don't have a problem with them being cautious, but it's still irksome.

UMgradMSUdad

April 21st, 2017 at 2:25 PM ^

I had a similar experience 20 some years ago when my two younger children were in a "Mother's Day Out" program at our church (and just like in Stephen's case, most of the people using this day care were not members of the church).  One day there was a substitute teacher.  She didn't know any of the parents.  Women were picking up their children with no problem, but she made me get the ok from her supervisor before allowing me to do the same.

Edit:  I should add, too, even the best intentioned actions based on stereotypes can have unforseen consequences.  One day after a class party my daughter was a bit upset because everyone else had brought something but her.  I asked the teacher later about it and she said she thought I would be too busy to supply anything, so she didn't mention it to me.

Wendyk5

April 21st, 2017 at 10:11 AM ^

I think there's a difference between what you think and how you act on what you think. For example, there are a few teachers at my daughter's school who are male and teach the younger grades. In my daughter's younger years would I have pulled her out of school if she had one of those male teachers? No, absolutely not. She did have one male associate teacher in 3rd grade and I had no problem with that. But I have had fleeting concerns, admittedly unsubstantiated by any evidence, that something bad could happen. Because bad things do happen, and that's one of the worst things that could happen to a child. I think my feelings are due to bias, not discrimination. I think the statistics somewhat justify my bias. But they don't allow for actual discrimination, i.e. not hiring someone or pulling your kid out of school. It sucks that a highly qualified man has to carry the burden of others' horrible actions. It reminds me of the scene in "Jaws" when the mayor pushes for the beaches to be open, and Brody agrees, even though they know there might be a shark out there. Are you going to be the one to send your kids in the water? The chances might be very, very small that your kid gets attacked, but there's still a chance. I'm just giving you a mother's perspective. Mothers are a different breed altogether. We don't always think rationally when it comes to our own kids. 

The Oracle

April 21st, 2017 at 2:41 PM ^

You certainly have a point, but no one wants to take even a small risk with their kids. And it's simply a fact that almost all molesters are men. Further, molestors often seek jobs that place them in close proximity to their targets and it's very unusual to see men providing daycare. It may not be fair, but that's why things turned out the way they did.

ElBictors

April 21st, 2017 at 10:25 AM ^

Interesting.

My wife is a para and we had a similar situation at my sons Elem. too long a story to recap here but a male teacher who took leave after his son died of SIDS was being forced back into working by the District or he'd forego benefits (something like that). The woman who took his class - great teacher and friends with my wife still - knew the situation and knew he might, at some point come back.

Well ..the parents would have none of it and thank God half the class' parents were attorneys because lawyers can resolve every problem with a lawsuit!!!

A Conf Call arranged by a litigator (M Law degree, no less) had parents dial in to plan suing the principal, school district and anyone else. A few parents of girls were mortified at the notion of a MALE TEACHER!!! and would not stand for it.

Forget that my son, among other boys, were dying to have Mr D before his sabbatical. Forget that Mr D and his wife just lost their baby and we're grieving ...it's all about MY CHILD!!!

The principal resolved things and the woman stayed in class to finish the year and a few weeks later I sent a thoughtful email to Mr Litigator -- completely ignorant of the bigger picture -- and made him feel like the piece of shit he is about Mr D's son dying.

Still to this day, almost 4yrs later, Mr Litigator won't make eye contact with me at school events

Fucking douche bag

and fwiw, we did have a male child molestor at preschool. A private school, he was allowed to continue working there for 10yrs after first accusations. I had to speak with ICE and the FBI about it after he was busted during a child porn sting. In this case it was the arrogance and hubris of the wealthy families at the school who lived by the notion, "No way ...not here, not in OUR SCHOOL!!!"

https://www.justice.gov/usao-co/pr/former-preschool-teacher-david-moe-s…

Don

April 20th, 2017 at 5:14 PM ^

Oh c'mon... you're not fooling anybody here. We know you stabbed him in the eye with an ice pick, wrapped up his body in an old rug, drove out to some rural patch of land, dug a shallow grave, and rolled him in. You started this thread to expiate your guilt.

BlueinOK

April 20th, 2017 at 5:16 PM ^

I had a boss where I literally couldn't understand what he said. A fast-talking Texan...Everyone in the office would just stare at him in meetings and wait for the minutes to understand what he was saying...Or hope he had some powerpoint. I don't understand how he became such a high ranking guy. Very good with email though. 90 percent of my communication was through email. 

UM Griff

April 20th, 2017 at 6:06 PM ^

A coworker from my department got drunk with her high level husband at a company function. They went up to the Board of Directors meeting room where said husband pissed on a computer, and they proceeded to have sex on the conference room table. They were caught in the act by security, but the husband's position was high enough that there were no consequences to either party.

Amazing what some people are able to get away with.

wolverinebutt

April 20th, 2017 at 6:22 PM ^

Bathroom detroyers, affairs, etc.

-Had a guy that took his coffee cup to piss.  He would sit on the ledge of the urinal and handle his crank.  Finish, grab the cup then wash his hands(not wash the cup).  Then grab the cup and leave the bathroom - Hummm.

-Had a guy get fired for an affair with his Admin. I had to drive with him/and his Wife to the car dealer where I took possesion of the company car and he was allowed to purchase a car on discount.  It was a long terrible ride.  Felt bad for the Wife.       

UM Griff

April 20th, 2017 at 6:28 PM ^

I worked with a guy who was quite a prankster. He had a prior job as a ground crew employee for a small airline. One time he was unloading a plane and a suitcase popped open. The next bag off the plane was a golf bag. He took a couple of pairs of panties from the suitcase, stuffed them in the golf bag, and said "let's see him explain that when he gets home".

carolina blue

April 20th, 2017 at 6:42 PM ^

Was an engineer during the first gulf war. He claims to have all kinds of ailments, the most intriguing of which is a supposedly non-contagious form of HIV that the government gave everyone. It is unclear what the purpose of this is, but he maintains his position when questioned. He also claims exposure to agent orange....on a submarine...during the gulf war. On top of all that he'll say completely nonsensical things and strings of thought that contradict each other. It's so bad my coworkers and I keep a record of these quotes. Here are a few examples. "A constrictor is a water moccasin that is not a constrictor", "I don't drink anymore. Only beer and my emergency vodka in the truck", "I bought an 1800s sword made by the Jewish Jews of Germany. You can tell because it's very ornate and made of brass."

This only scratches the surface. Amongst a host of other things he constantly brags about how long his dick is and how often he visits the red light when overseas.

Waldorf Wolverine

April 20th, 2017 at 7:21 PM ^

Back when I used to work at a large law firm, we would often staff large litigations with temporary attorneys who conducted document review.  It was a dead-end job, and everyone involved knew it.  There was one guy who didn't get the memo.  He would come into work everyday wearing a suit & tie and freshly-polished shoes to sit in a caseroom shared with a dozen other people who were in business casual with their headphones on.  If any associate or partner went into the caseroom to give an update about the case or to tell people to work faster, he would introduce himself and try to strike up a conversation. If anyone had a personal conversation in the room, he would perk up and listen in.  He got access to the firm's calendar of events and started attending information meetings between the firm and potential clients, introducing himself to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies as if he was a partner at the firm.  He worked there for about 4 weeks before we noticed that he had not coded a single document.  One of the attorneys went down to investigate after business hours and found that he kept an accordion file under his desk that had a dossier on every single person that he ever met, including dates & times and frequency that he had met them, what they discussed, etc. It was so creepy that HR decided to fire him, but they waited until 5 pm on Friday (in case he thought about coming back and shooting us), and he was escorted from the building by security and not allowed to return to his desk to pick up his dossier.  I'm sure he was more socially-awkward than he was dangerous, but there's a guy like that out there who's allowed to practice law.