OT Into the Snake Pit - Need help!

Submitted by GoWings2008 on July 26th, 2013 at 7:18 AM

Need some assistance from any and all MGoComedians.  I'm going to Columbus for a golf weekend with my wife's family, some staunch osu fans in the bunch, and I need some good one liners. 

Given all the troubles they've had lately, and given that I'm going to be decked out in all the Maize and Blue I can tastefully wear playing golf (which is a surprising amount, afterall) I want to have some good zingers to throw back in their face when the inevitable comment comes my way.

I have two decent ones so far...first a response to any physical threats with "Carlos would be so proud of you" or "Oh, I get hit in the face, too, huh?"   And the second basically explaining that I'm purposefully wearing clothes that would keep me from being mistaken as an osu football player for fear of being arrested.

Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Edit:  Updated title for clarity per some good advice.



July 26th, 2013 at 7:45 AM ^

and with this family, those who don't take things TOO seriously, but seriously enough...it wouldn't be as much fun.  And this weekend is all about fun.  So...your advice not withstanding, its for a bunch of people I already know, I'm going to give them both barrels because I know that's what they'd be doing to me if situations were reversed.


July 26th, 2013 at 8:06 AM ^

As one who has to put up with this as my wife is from that godforsaken state I feel for ya... My dad has said this for years... "Ohio... The state that worships a woody and cheers for hairless nuts... Need I say more?"


July 26th, 2013 at 8:15 AM ^

and putting them on a laminated card like football coaches do for situational options.

The thing is, you may just be trying too hard and need to just relax... after the 4-5 recent OSU legal incidents, I think you have sufficient material to develop your own witty repartee. Good luck!


July 26th, 2013 at 9:09 AM ^

I am offended by the idea of someone applying to ohio and Michigan...

the joke works better with  MSU cause, surprise surprise, some of us had to use MSU as a backup...  I know, its hard to believe that a genius such as my self was barely allowed into our favorite school... but the call up to East Lansing to relenquish my dorm room and schedule felt as good as my first kiss...




July 26th, 2013 at 9:04 AM ^

I think Gee provides some great material.  You can make Sisters of the Poor, Catholic, dumb Southerner jokes and then be all - "I'm just channeling Gordy."

I just hope the golf cart doesn't fire me . . . etc

Sink your birdy? Let your celebration cry be, "EVERYONE MURDERS!" 

Work in I didn't come here to play school, I came to play golf or whatever  . . .

Plus bring a cooler and tell them its not for pooping.


July 26th, 2013 at 9:11 AM ^

That Carlos Hyde, Terrelle Pryor and Leggs Pantyhose have teamed up for a golf outing?  It's called the Carlos Hyde-Pryor-Leggs Open. 

(Yeah, I know, that was awful.)


July 26th, 2013 at 9:40 AM ^

I'd go with "Hi, thanks for inviting me to the golf outing."  If teased about the shirt (and I wore one to the Scarlet & Grey outing a few years ago and played behind a very drunk Earl Bruce without any problems) just say that's where you're from and you won't hear much after that.  The crowd on a golf course is a wee bit more maintained and civil than that at the Horseshoe in November.......

High road is always the best approach IMO.


July 26th, 2013 at 10:53 AM ^

Don't start the fight but be ready to finish it. I generally tend to reciprocate treatment.  Friendly banter gets likewise.  Point out the inherent contradition in expending effort to compose a song that purports to not give a damn about the state of Michigan do be careful.  If they come with a Hoke=fat joke, point out that only one of the two schools' coaches ever resigned b/c of health problems.  If they say that Ann Arbor is a whore, ask why is it so much easier to get into OSU.

But do be careful.  As everyone else who lives in Columbus will tell you, the thing with 80% OSU fans is they can dish it out but they can't take it.

And yes - keep it clever.  The difference between us and them is that our classic rivalry rejoinder is "oh how I hate Ohio State" which is kinda catchy and rolls right off the tongue.  Theirs is "Fuck Michigan"


July 26th, 2013 at 11:36 AM ^

1. If any of your opponents balls go O.B. indicate that it is "currently under investigation" or "you hoped against it, but your ball has fired you".

2. If you can afford it, offer to pay for a round of one of your partners "because you guys are used to that sort of thing".

3. When you need to go to the bathroom tell your playing partners that you are visiting the "circle of trust".

The FannMan

July 26th, 2013 at 1:17 PM ^

Just play well. Enjoy your round of golf and ignore the knuckle-draggers. Since you will be outnumbered there is no way you can win the insult war anyway.

Or, just go nuclear and point out that you are nailing their sister/cousin/daughter. This will require money for medical treatment, bail and/or divorce lawyers.

Actually, ignoring them is your best play.