OT - My Wife is Pregnant with Our First
Just found out this week that my wife is pregnant with our first - about 5 weeks along. We are are both very excited.
Basically we have 9 months until our lives change drastically - I am wondering what kind of advice everyone has to give. Any and all advice on everything is appreciated - I am wondering how to plan on the following:
1. FInancial?
2. Books to read or classes to take?
3. Things we should do together before the baby comes?
4. Etc.
Thanks in advance as I know that there is no better place for parenting advice than MGoBlog. Any wisdom, no matter how large or how small, is appreciated.
Also - there are a few ppl that read this board that know me personally. Please don't tell anyone about this piece of information as we are waiting until next month to break the news to family etc. (thanks)
Also, to make this relevant to your interests, I plan on being a helicopter parent and my child will certainly be a highly ranked QB or RB, if a boy. If a girl then she will be a highly touted academic out of high school and will most likely be a nobel prize winning economist. Either way they will both go to Michigan, guaranteed.
Go Blue!
January 16th, 2016 at 5:15 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 4:08 PM ^
Congrats man. I'm a little late to the party here, but I'm going for it anyway.
Financially, I agree that you should try to stock up on diapers; get a lot via the baby shower. Also, I've heard you can get a pretty good discount if you pre-pay the hospital for the birth - otherwise the bills just keep coming after you bring the baby home. I didn't hear about this until afterwards, so I don't know much about it, just maybe something to look into.
I didn't read any books, but my wife references the "what to expect" books from time to time. If you're having a hospital birth, you should go take a tour of the hospital. An Infant CPR class would also be a good idea, for peace of mind at the very least.
My wife got up with the baby every night while she was on maternity leave, but once she went back to work, we alternated nights. That way, no matter how many times you have to get up with the baby during the night, you know you're going to get to sleep the next night.
That's about all I got. You'll figure it all out. Babies aren't that hard.
January 16th, 2016 at 4:08 PM ^
Talk to your baby constantly. Make them swim in words. One of the most interesting studies I've seen in the past few years is the difference in how many words children in poor households or households where parents don't have much education hear vs. how many the children of educated professionals hear. Here's one blurb of many you can find on the web, this is from NYT (much more research has come out since then):
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/04/10/the-power-of-talking-to-your-baby/?_r=0
Blurb:
The disparity was staggering. Children whose families were on welfare heard about 600 words per hour. Working-class children heard 1,200 words per hour, and children from professional families heard 2,100 words. By age 3, a poor child would have heard 30 million fewer words in his home environment than a child from a professional family. And the disparity mattered: the greater the number of words children heard from their parents or caregivers before they were 3, the higher their IQ and the better they did in school. TV talk not only didn’t help, it was detrimental.
January 17th, 2016 at 2:36 AM ^
Yes, this ^^^.
I wish I had know a lot more about the developmental pathway of kids before we (adopted) our two babies. Most of what I know is from reading Maria Montessori. I recommend "The Secret to Childhood" and if you want more, then "The Absorbant Mind". They are not easy reads sometimes, and some of her language/ideas might jar the modern mind, but there is an incredible wealth of insight that I think has been neglected for a long time.
Really opened my eyes to what the very very young are actualy trying to do and how as an adult I could help. Montessori makes a strong case that so much is laid down in the first six years, and then the brain development changes and they learn in a different way. Up to age six, they literally absorb things (not thinking consciously, cognitively) that they apprehend with their senses.
That is why the above word study is so fascinating and compelling. All these patterns are being laid down before we even realize how important they are. So forewarned is forearmed.
Now is when you have time to read these books and be thinking about what to aim for in their first, second, third years, etc.
The example she gives is about how humans learn to speak. Up until age 6 it is unconcious, easy, and natural, as long as the child is in an enviroment that has the right sounds (English, Japanese, German, etc.). She argues that no one at that young age is ever taught how to speak, they just naturally learn it if they are in the right environment. And she uses that as an analogy for many other areas in the child's life. With the appropriate environment, when the child is in an absorbant period (ages 0-6 roughly for language), they will easily and naturally and enthusiastically pick it up.
She talks about have child-sized/scaled furnishing and set-ups, to enable the child to do as much as possible at as early an age as possible. They want to do it, they want to emulate what they see others doing (mom and dad at home) and surprisingly, with a little foresight, can actually do an incredible amount. And they are learning to be independent (dress them selves, feed themselves, etc.) which Montessori argues is a key goal of parenting - teaching our kids to be independent (learners, etc.). So setting up a lifelong habit b/c it is built in during the first six years.
I'd think about saving up for attending an authentic Montessori school (since they're usually private). They start as young as 18months, but the typical three year cycle is ages 3-6.
Another group that has latched on to this development model is the Institute for the Achievement of Human Potential <http://iahp.org>. Sounds new agey (nttawwt) but fascinating insights into what the very young human brain is capable of with the right environment.
Regarding sleeping with babies - this is a cultural norm in Japan (obviously not all, but many still do). But there it can go as long as 3 years or more before they wean them. Our youngest always wanted to sleep with us until he was just past 4. He'd go to sleep with mom and when I came home late, i'd put him in his own bed, where he'd stay through the night.
Sorry, too long for a first post. I'm too passionate about this issue. ^_^
January 16th, 2016 at 4:17 PM ^
Put feelers out to family for gear and props. Toys. Stuff adds up.
(You are lucky if you don't need to buy a house. I had to give up a rent controlled place in the heart of SF and buy a house in this ungodly inflated market.)
2. I took a birthing class with my wife. I think it was helpful. A word of advice is to go to whatever class your wife wants.
My wife was in labor 12 hours. Don't go to the hospital too early.
3. Classes. Also go to dinner a few times by yourselves. Hang with your friends. Could be awhile before you do that again.
4. Buy many spit cloths. Be prepared to do laundry everyday. Get a comfort song or three. Sing it early and often. It can save you from meltdowns.
Be patient with your wife. There will be mood swings. Past partum Blues.
If you can take a week or two off. I didn't and wish I did. That is my biggest regret.
January 16th, 2016 at 4:23 PM ^
First of all congratulations, it's always fun to find out that first time! I've seen a few perspectives from women, but thought I'd throw in my two cents as a currently pregnant lady:
1) Be kind to your wife! Being 10 weeks pregnant with our 3rd I know living with a pregnant woman isn't always easy. She will be going through crazy changes physically, emotionally, and even mentally and sometimes she will take those out on you and she will feel bad about it. So do sweet things for her. When I was pregnant with #2 my husband would drive out of his way to pick up my favorite ice cream indulgence that our local store no longer carried. With this one I've been terribly sick and my husband has stopped almost every night on his way home from work to pick up something that sounded good to me. It's such a small thing, but it means a lot. Also, if your wife is having lots of nausea/morning sickness tell her to ask her OB for samples of Diclegis. It's a relatively new anti-nausea medication specifically for pregnant women. Most insurance companies don't cover it yet, so ask for samples. It's worth it's weight in gold! I can't function without it right now.
2) If either you or your wife like to cook take a couple days to do a bunch of freezer meal cooking about 3 months before Baby is due. I did that with my second and between meals from friends and meals I had already cooked up and put in the freezer we didn't have to really cook for almost 10 weeks. It was beautiful!
3) Take a dry run to your hospital of choice about a month or so before Baby is due. Try to do it during peak traffic to, that way when the time arrives you'll know exactly where you are going. Also, feel free to speed the whole way, if you get pulled over you'll just end up getting a police escort. My husband loved being able to drive 100+ mph in the wee hours when we were enroute for Baby #1.
4) If you guys choose to go the breastfeeding route make sure you get a Boppy, that thing will be invaluable for your wife.
5) As long as your wife is feeling well take a Babymoon. Try to go mid to late 2nd trimester or early 3rd trimester as that's when she'll be feeling the best.
6) Enjoy the ride! It's crazy and beautiful and whole lot of fun!
January 16th, 2016 at 4:38 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 4:39 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:02 PM ^
Note: she would agree to the pregnancy.
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:14 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:18 PM ^
Our first is coming up on a year. The financial stuff, not going to give advice there other than the suggestion of opening a 529 plan as soon as you can after birth (i.e., after you get a social security # for the baby) and start contributing. Also, life insurance and wills, at a minimum.
Books to read, classes to take? The hospital our daughter was born at had classes leading up to our baby's birth. They were relatively cheap ($25-$35 or so, with 3-4 total classes over a few months). Very informative. We also sought out a pediatrician ahead of time and they gave us a book that was very helpful for deciphering the first year. Above all, though, as the father, you need to support your wife's desires/ideas/beliefs post delivery for a few months (crazy or not-- many of them will be. She will be scared...no, terrified... in the first few months as she adjusts to taking care of a human life full time-- that terror will manifest in various ways). And, as always, mom's instincts will rule the day-- trust them. Try to enjoy the early months as much as you can-- they fly by.
As for the sleep suggestion-- you can't really bank sleep, so I've always found that suggestion to be dumb (no offense to whomever above suggested it).
Things to do before the baby comes: go to as many movies, concerts, and other things out and about that you can do that require a few hours without any interruption. These will not be possible after the child (especially if your wife is like mine and doesn't want to leave the kid with anyone else for a long while. It was 10 months before at least one of the two of us was not in the same house as the baby).
Otherwise, like I said before-- enjoy every minute. It flies by very quickly.
January 16th, 2016 at 5:18 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:29 PM ^
Congrats!! I'm hanging out with my 10 week old son right now so I was in your shoes not too long ago. Here are some random thoughts:
- Diapers: Pampers Swaddlers are the best diapers. Don't stock up too much on the newborn size. My baby was in the size 1's after about 4 weeks and he's not an outlier as far as size.
- Sleep: My wife and I have been incredibily lucky as far as our son's sleep habits. He's been sleeping through the night (11:00pm - 6:00am) since he was two weeks old. I'm sure it's just him, but I'll share our sleep routine just in case it is having an impact that may be reproducible. Last nursing right before bedtime, swaddle him, sleep on his back, in a bassinet right next to our bed, and we have two ambient noise sound machines running all night.
- Classes: I went to a few Daddy boot camp type classes. Personally, I found them to be a waste of time. Everything they talk about in the classes is available online and much on youtube. Learn the "Five S's" from the Happiest Baby on the Block. It's not perfect but it works pretty dag-gone well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eK4O9N3DjJM
- Books: By far the best book I read is Brain Rules For Baby: How to Raise a Smart & Happy Child From Zero to Five http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Rules-Baby-Raise-Smart/dp/0979777763. It's an eveidence-based book rooted in real research in a variety of relevant sciences. All of the recommendations/methods in the book have been validated and published in peer-reviewed journals in the cognitive, behavioral science, etc. It was an easy, interesting read and most of the other baby books I have read are either redundant or speculative.
- Clothes: Buy the onesies that have a zipper, buttons are a pain. Carter's makes really nice stuff.
- Childbirth: In retrospect, my wife regretted not doing a c-section from the outset. She was in labor for 24 hours and had two separte push sessions before deciding to just do the c/s. Her recovery was a pretty easy process for her and her incision has healed very nicely.
Good luck!
January 16th, 2016 at 9:53 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 5:34 PM ^
Get a large bound book with blank (preferably lined) pages. Always keep it in one place in the house. Every time something notable happens with the baby, make a note of it in the book, and date it. Or if you just have a particular thought or hope or fear. Jot it down and date it. Some notations will be two words, others two paragraphs or two pages. Start now before s/he is born. What you will create will be priceless. My sons are 15 and 19 and I still make entries in "The Book." They love it. It is a stange and beautiful chronicle of their lives, and countless times throughout their childhoods we sat and read it together, and it was always a great inspiration to tell and re-tell them stories about their past. Some of the notations are written by them, among their earliest written words. Another thing you will find is that your memory of so many of those little events will fade as you get older. I am 53 and my memory is shit. But I pick up the book and leaf through it and those moments when my boys were babies, toddlers, children, tweens, etc., come back to me in a vivid rush. First laugh, first word, first Michigan game, etc. I can only imagine what it is going to be like to read when I am 70 or 80; and for them when they are my age. If my house were on fire and that book was in one room and $1M cash was in another I'd save the book without giving it a second thought. Do it. You won't regret it. That's my advice. Sorry for the length.
January 16th, 2016 at 11:50 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:54 PM ^
Still take time for the two of you...
SHE is always right, especially immediately postpartum...
My daughters wanted nothing to do with me early on for weeks. A tough pill to swallow especially if she breastfeeds. It'll get better. Trust me.
You WILL mess up. There's nothing wrong with that.
Congrats and best of luck!
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January 16th, 2016 at 5:55 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 6:10 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 7:20 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 7:44 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 7:50 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 6:07 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 6:07 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 6:22 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 8:03 PM ^
Life as you know it will change forever, but for the better. Congrats!!!
January 16th, 2016 at 8:06 PM ^
What to Expect When You Are Expecting. It is pretty straightforward, and will help you out on the staes she will expecience. As my girls were born in early to mid 90s, it has been a long time so title name might not be right. Ask around at maternity shop.
Look dude, I am going to be as blunt as can be here......when you are going to lamaz classes, they show a nice little incision being down on the back side of her woo hoo to help the baby not tear her. Do not be deceived. They pulled out the damn hedge clippers. It was a long long time before I looked at that thing the same again, Ewwww,
Also, a baby is blue when they come out. I thought my oldest was dead on arrival. I was pretty close to hitting the floor, but made it thru it all, and was the first to hold my first born before the ex wife. I even got to walk her down the the nursery thingy. Thank God I didnt swan dive heh.
Best of luck to the both of you. I hope everything is perfect, and your child is born perfect.
January 16th, 2016 at 9:01 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 9:04 PM ^
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January 17th, 2016 at 12:10 AM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 8:39 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 8:58 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 9:04 PM ^
1. Sell crack. Wait....crack is sooo 1986. Sell meth instead.
2. Get the audio book "Go The Fuck To Sleep" narrated by Samuel Jackson.
3. Have as much sex as humanly possible. It may be your last chance.
4. Seriously though, congratulations. It's the greatest experience you'll have. The best advice I have is: learn from your mistakes. People can give great advice in regards to parenting but it really comes down to on the job training.
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January 16th, 2016 at 9:05 PM ^
January 16th, 2016 at 9:21 PM ^
Invest in a 529 plan if you can afford it. Your own state's if you get a tax deduction. Utah or New York if you don't.
January 16th, 2016 at 9:47 PM ^
Great advice here so far. I'm a very happy father of three (5 yrs old, 3 yrs old, & 5 months old). Here's my advice:
-Be flexible. From figuring out a routine with your wife to learning what your kids like to letting unsolicited advice go in one ear & out the other, just take what you get & roll with the punches.
-Love your wife. One of the best gifts you can give your kids is to give them a mother they can look up to and learn from. Doesn't mean you can't disagree - rather, show them how to lovingly discuss differences.
-Support your wife. Yes, this is a separate category. She'll have some nasty hormones going through her & tears may flow - that is ok. Let them flow. She won't be like that forever. :)
-Share your lives with them. It can be maddening to have them "help" you cook (aka make a huge mess) but more than anything, they simply want your attention. Give it to them. Nearly every kid acts up & purposely does things they know are wrong simply so you will pay more attention to them. Calm your anger, speak to what was wrong, & then remove them from the situation & give them your attention.
-Put away the smart phone when they are around. They must know they are more important than someone who is wrong on the Internet.
-Lots of pictures & videos. (I know, I put this right after I said put away the smart phone, but you know the difference.) It is amazing to me how they will do something every single day & then suddenly stop, never to do it again. Capture those moments.
-Upload your videos to YouTube & mark them "unlisted" so they aren't publicly searchable but you can see them anytime you want, even if you lose your phone/get a new phone/want to share them with family, etc.
-The first two years are pretty intense, three & four a bit less, and then five or so is when they really start to come into their own (not just saying this from my experience but it has been true for my daughter, too). They take a lot of attention at the beginning but before long you are able to do the things you were able to do before they were born. Contrary to many reports, life doesn't end when kids are born.
-RELAX! Think of all the screwed up people in this world who have raised some good kids. Chances are, you are probably a pretty decent individual and you'll probably do quite well.
January 16th, 2016 at 9:50 PM ^
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January 16th, 2016 at 11:00 PM ^
January 17th, 2016 at 7:01 AM ^