OT: Funny S**t Our MGoChildren Do

Submitted by MGoVoldemort on July 12th, 2016 at 1:37 PM

It's the offseason, so I thought this would actually be a good topic, considering we have so many parents on the board. Not to mention that we could probably all use someting positive regarding children amidst all of the PSU scandal info that keeps getting worse. 

Anyway here's mine, with a little backstory. I'm a father of four awesome kids, three girls and one boy. We had three straight girls, and were pretty shocked when we had our son, Tucker, who is now 3. After the third girl, my hopes of having a boy were considerably low, so I'm likely guilty of doting on him. Like most kids hs age, Tucker has a problem pronouncing his S's. So, for example, when he says "horse", it sounds like "whore." When we go to Meijer, my son loves riding the horse in front, which is probably a chldhood Michigan tradition. Last night, when we checked out, we of course let him ride the horse. While riding, he shouts out for everyone to hear "look Dad, I'm riding a whore, and the whore is going fast." I of course did what any responsible Father would do in the face of shocked onlookers, and blamed it on the language that kids pick up at daycare. I thought it was pretty damn amusing.



July 12th, 2016 at 1:39 PM ^

Yesterday my 3 year old son was walking past me and, without provocation slapped me directly on the ass and started laughing about how he 'slapped my bumbum'. I couldn't keep a straight face and just started laughing

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July 12th, 2016 at 2:27 PM ^

Speaking of ass slaps, when my oldest son was three or four, he ran down the middle of our street, a cul de sac, fortunately, slapping his butt the whole time as he knew what he was doing was a "no no."  I asked him why he did what he did and he said:  "I couldn't help myself."



July 12th, 2016 at 1:43 PM ^

one year old wakes up twice per night and stays up for an hour each time.  Both my wife and I have to wake up for work at  5 AM, and he wakes my 8 year old up every night because their rooms are right next door to each other.  Isn't that hilarious?  Just so funny.  I can't stop laughing!! 

Wait a minute, that is not funny at all.


July 12th, 2016 at 1:52 PM ^

I'm glad someone else on here has this pain (and I'm sure there are many others).  My son is 10 months and wakes up at least twice per night for an hour.  I have several other friends/cousins with children the same age and they all seem to nap 3 times a day for an hour each and sleep 12 hours a night, so hearing someone else with the same situation is "relieving"....maybe I'm delirious from the sleep depravity.


July 12th, 2016 at 2:01 PM ^

thing I have discovered is that I don't "need" nearly as much sleep as I thought I did in order to at least function adequately.  There is no question my work product has suffered to a certain extent this year, but once I have adjusted, being "tired" does not mean the same thing as it used to. 

There is one thing that I have certainly benefited from.  The 3-4 hours of sleep that I do get per night has to be completely sober sleep, so it has completely cut out the "six pack Tuesdays" from my life which has been a little hidden benefit from this whole debacle.  I feel better in that regard, even if I could fall asleep standing up at any point during the day.


July 12th, 2016 at 2:35 PM ^

Starting at about 18 - 20 months, my son quit taking naps on a regular basis. He is now 4 and he wakes up at 7:30AM and regularly stays up until 9:30 - 10:00PM even though his bed time is 8:00. Doctors have said some kids just don't need as much sleep, my response was "what about parents needing their own time?".


July 13th, 2016 at 10:10 AM ^

My son was an early riser from 3 or so on - he would get up at 6:30 or 7 every day. At first you could sleep on the couch as he watched Barney which was slightly painful. In a couple of years he was climbing into be with us watching Sportscenter before elementary school, my wife became much more fluent on the sports stories of the day.


July 12th, 2016 at 2:21 PM ^

My daughter (first child) was a great sleeper, 6+ hours every night after about six weeks. Then we had twin boys. All I can say is that I was totally exhausted... forever. We kept them together because that is a twin thing, but it was 16 months before they both slept through the night.

One morning when they were about seven months old, they both had poopy diapers when I woke up, so I changed them. I took a shower and got dressed only to discover they both pooped again, so another change. While I ate breakfast one of them pooped again! When I got to work someone asked how my morning was, and I said I've already changed five stinky diapers. They just stared at me and said, whoa, your life is very different from mine.

On lighter note when I started taking them to Rockies baseball games, they referred to the bases as first base, the next base and the other base.


July 12th, 2016 at 4:02 PM ^

You're going to have simultanouesly the best and worst of times in your life, and it doesn't hurt to be all cuaght up on sleep.  Consider also that Babies sleep a lot.  It's just not normally at night.  I would reccomend cultivating a skill of falling asleep during the day in various locations in your home. 


July 12th, 2016 at 1:44 PM ^

Two mostly unrelated ways we tried to be responsible parents for our son(4) and daughter(2):

1. Teaching our children the anatomical names for genitalia instead of euphemisms in hopes that they are the only kids in their first health class that don't laugh at the word "penis".

2. Teaching them that the only people that can touch their privates are themselves and us.

Result: My daughter screaming "DON'T TOUCH MY BULVA!" at strangers in the supermarket.


July 12th, 2016 at 1:55 PM ^

Now that they are 10 and 9, my kids are a little better about parroting what mom and dad say, but when they were younger, not so much.

I remember on time when my son was probably 4 years old, he wanted to do the whole father-son thing and help me fix and refinish a couple chairs for the dining room, which I thought was just awesome. He helped me set them up, he helped me get the tools out and set them down, he helped me lay out a tarp so I wouldn't get finish on the floor....I was loving this.

Then, of course, I get finish on me, and what do I do but exclaim "Motherfucker..." rather loudly. So, for the next couple weeks, when my son would spill something or get something on his clothes, he would say "Motherfutter", which sounds suspiciously like, well, you know.

My wife only recently forgave me for a few embarrassing moments that caused. 

Prince Lover

July 12th, 2016 at 2:26 PM ^

I too, have been known to sound like a sailor in a bar brawl, so I always try to substitute frick or frigging instead of fuck.
A couple winters ago we were leaving a movie with a lot of other similarly aged movie goers when we stepped outside and my daughter declared for plenty to hear, "wow, it's frigging cold out here!"
My wife again did not appreciate the looks and snickers we got.
I tried explaining that by me laughing the onlookers knew I was to blame and at least she didn't say the queen Mary of all curses. It didn't work.


July 12th, 2016 at 8:59 PM ^

When my son was 4 we we're running nag late for work and school one morning. He asked my wife and then me to read a book with him but we both ignored him and went about our business. He was very polite about it the first couple of times. Then, he lifted the book over his head and at the top of his lungs yelled "I just want someone to read me this fucking book!" as he threw it across the room. My wife immediately said that was on her and read him the fucking book.

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July 12th, 2016 at 11:12 PM ^

Fuck is a word of regular conversation whether with us or with his friends on Skype. I thought it would go away if I ignored it but so far no luck. I think it was easier when he was 2 and he said it by accident. Unfortunately I don't remember the cute things he said when he was younger except when the wife and I had a rare argument and he told his teacher in 5th grade that his parents were getting divorced

swan flu

July 12th, 2016 at 1:48 PM ^

My two and a half year old spends thirty minutes every night putting her animals to bed and reading them stories (she has a dozen books memorized) and giving them timeouts and changing their diapers, this is all after we've read to her and turned the lights out. It's become our TV show(nanny cam). She picks up nearly everything we say and do and models it at night.


July 12th, 2016 at 2:35 PM ^

My son had just turned three when I fell down the stairs, whacked my elbow on the top of them and expressed my pain and embarrassment in unproductive ways.  I split my elbow open and had to go to the ER.  When I was gone my son apparently wanted me to come back home and told my wife he wanted me to come back.  She said I couldn't because I was in the hospital to fix an owie.  He then asked her if the reason I had an owie was because I fell down the fucking stairs.  

This was the same age when he would call me a "Bad Dog" when he got mad at me.


July 12th, 2016 at 2:43 PM ^

My three and a half year old came home from daycare one day and exclaimed, "(name of classmate) is a p*$$y boy." That is not a word that is ever used in our house or really in any conversation that my wife or I have. EVER. My wife and I were simultaneously shocked that our daughter would say that and beyond impressed that she was spot on with grammar and syntax. Advanced vulgarity, +1.

Prince Lover

July 12th, 2016 at 1:53 PM ^

I am very immature and so putting my daughter (who's now 7) and I together is usually a mistake.
We were once threaten to get kicked out of Home Depot because she would climb up on the lamp display and stand in a weird stance and I would walk by and pretend to pick her out as a lamp to buy. The guy working in that section wasn't amused by our shenanigans. Neither did my wife.
And today we got yelled at at the dentist office because I was chasing her around the room with that little squirt gun they use in your mouth, before the dentist came in.The assistant came in and said you guys need to keep it down we were having to much fun.
I can't help it, I like acting silly. I hope I'm not ruining her future.

RHammer - SNRE 98

July 12th, 2016 at 3:14 PM ^

that's awesome... silliness is important, for kids and in life generally

speaking of which, my two boys (7 and 10) were with my wife and I in Leland recently, and saw the candy store up the river next to the dam, so of course, the rest of the afternoon they would not stop asking

"when can we go back to the dam candy store!!"

fully aware that they were, gasp, kind of swearing...